Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

I agree she is better off divorcing him for both of them. I just think its unfair to put all the blame on the husband when she is expecting more than what is reasonable, the husband sounds awful in what he has said to her . But u cannot expect to look after a child for 50% shared and hold a ft job or even pt there has to be childcare

Single parents who work and have look after their children with no help from other patner is able to keep a job they work around it
I’m still waiting for suggestions about where I should have sent my DC during lockdown when nurseries were closed and I wasn’t allowed to have contact with my parents? Or where self isolating DC were allowed to be sent during those 10 days? The pandemic has been a very bad time and I think a lot of people have been furloughed for childcare reasons, asked to wfh with kids, or simply sacked for lack of childcare.

'I’m still waiting for suggestions about where I should have sent my DC during lockdown when nurseries were closed and I wasn’t allowed to have contact with my parents?'

Childcare bubbles were allowed, how tf do you think everyone else managed?!

Op

YOU said that you didn’t want your children to go in to childcare. So why keep going on about nurseries now being open. You never had any intention of sending them anyway

Not being open

@Maiasaur

Single parents who work and have look after their children with no help from other patner is able to keep a job they work around it I’m still waiting for suggestions about where I should have sent my DC during lockdown when nurseries were closed and I wasn’t allowed to have contact with my parents? Or where self isolating DC were allowed to be sent during those 10 days? The pandemic has been a very bad time and I think a lot of people have been furloughed for childcare reasons, asked to wfh with kids, or simply sacked for lack of childcare.

I'd really recommend you start a new thread in relationships, channel the anger and get some support so that you can decide what to do next. I really hope you manage to reach a decision about what you want to do, because you sound desperately unhappy.

@maiasaur

I understand and agree with your points.

If you don't mind me asking, (generally speaking), what does he do that is so onerous?

All I keep seeing is an obsession with her husband doing 50 % of the childcare and wanting him to step down or change role to enable this which would be madness and not something I think she'd be willing to do if she was in front . When posters are suggesting a nanny for a child who's almost 4 its back to wanting the husband to do 50% . It almost seems like a competition he's ahead and she doesn't like it so she wants to slow him down that's not a healthy relationship .

How old are you op?
Your eldest is not quite 4?

@Tittyfilarious81

All I keep seeing is an obsession with her husband doing 50 % of the childcare and wanting him to step down or change role to enable this which would be madness and not something I think she'd be willing to do if she was in front . When posters are suggesting a nanny for a child who's almost 4 its back to wanting the husband to do 50% . It almost seems like a competition he's ahead and she doesn't like it so she wants to slow him down that's not a healthy relationship .

This was my read on it, too. If her career prospects were destroyed by parenthood and covid, then it's not fair that his weren't, too. She'll be equally satisfied with resurrecting her own career or with destroying his, because either way is "fair."

In the real world, of course, that's nonsensical and toxic. But no one can force her to see things that way, so I'm sure she'll manage to ruin her child's life one way or another.

It feels like You have unrealistic expectations that he will just automatically get said job at half the salary.

And that really isn’t a compromise anyway. It’s you saying this is what I want and I don’t care what you want.

What you’re suggesting isn’t meeting halfway it’s saying I want to be out of the house and you have to facilitate it. There’s other ways to do that as mentioned such as nanny/childminder/alternative nursery - it isn’t someone else raising your child and if you really thought that you’d be homeschooling for their school years and therefor unable to return to work as you wish. It’s another excuse to proportion the blame to your husband.

So what shouts out here is you’re unhappy - with yourself, your husband, your role as primary carer , you’re life.

It sounds as though your stuck in such a negative thought cycle here

You being primary carer is the way things have turned out, not planned but nonetheless the way things are right now. you are suggesting an option that no one would really consider and I’d put a lot of money on you not doing the same if asked of you because you’d have another thread about how undervalued you feel…that you’re expected to just quit your’re job because your husband is unhappy with his life and it would be filled with people saying LTB or tell him to get a hobby…or find alternative childcare. So in some respects I feel sorry for your husband. It goes without saying he should be helping out more. I stop doing things for my OH when he’s not pulling his weight, won’t do washing, clearing up for his things and no later than the end of the day does he apologise and we laugh it off.

I do really feel for you but I think you’ve got blinkers on for this one solution and not willing to look at alternatives.

Families who have to have both parents working because they can’t not afford to don’t have this dilemma.

Dont leave him. You'll then be stuck with trying to juggle everything without the lifestyle £70k brings (trust me, its crap).

What strikes me is you're both pulling in different directions. Instead of seeing his promotions as a family success you're envious instead (not judging btw, that's fair). If you can't have the career you crave right now then it is very fair for you to insist on some time away from caring responsibilities as they can really be overwhelming. It might be worth putting those in place so you get some adult company. When I had some time as a sahm mum that was what I craved most.

As a single parent on a low wage I have to admit I would love to have a high earning partner to allow me to be at home but then I've been doing it all for over a decade now!

The DH is completely unsupportive and unwilling to look for another job with a pay cut so that things can be more equal (as OP said - tax system favours both people working in lower paying jobs and would be beneficial for her pension). He doesn’t appreciate the sacrifices OP made to have their baby - the risk and effect on her body, career etc - despite making a commitment to her while she was pregnant (and knowing her outlook). He doesn’t seem to care about his child either and sounds lazy at weekends.

My DH used to do the child sickness days when I was in an inflexible job (even though he earned twice as much as me). He helped me re-train while working and career switch.

I do think the OP probably has some anger issues that it would be good to resolve for her own sake and her child’s; but no way would I want to be married to her DH.

* . I worked bloody hard right through school and university (almost 20 years) and got into £££ of student debt. I did unpaid internships. I succeeded in getting a good job and I worked hard, late nights and weekends and everything*

The highest you’ve been paid is £22k in your last job. Either you were seriously underpaid or found a low level job something that required late nights and weekend work.

I am wondering whether you perhaps have a fairly rosy view of your career prospects and potential.

@Maiasaur

Single parents who work and have look after their children with no help from other patner is able to keep a job they work around it I’m still waiting for suggestions about where I should have sent my DC during lockdown when nurseries were closed and I wasn’t allowed to have contact with my parents? Or where self isolating DC were allowed to be sent during those 10 days? The pandemic has been a very bad time and I think a lot of people have been furloughed for childcare reasons, asked to wfh with kids, or simply sacked for lack of childcare.

U were allowed contact with parents as childcare bubbles , single parents have to deal with this all the time. Now childcare is available and covid restrictions r no more. What ur reason for no childcare or as u put it 'randoms' now?

@Maiasaur There were no other options for childcare during lockdown, there was NOTHING you could have done. There was a lot of discussion around the fact that lockdown affected women who picked up the slack and put their careers on the back burner.

Your situation is stressful and upsetting.

Ignore posters who are indicating this is your fault and responsibility.
You started a family on the basis you'd both chip in, as it should be! He has you stuck and is taking advantage.

You became pregnant 4 years ago.
Most of that time we have been hit by covid
You were on a low level £22k a year job less than 4 years ago.

Op I hate to break it to you, but I really don’t see someone on £22k 4 years managing to be on your expected £40K today when we’ve been through a pandemic

Op neither you nor your DH seem capable of putting your children first. Do you think you are capable parents because you both sound dangerously obsessed with getting your own way. You hate your husband. Hate him, but you take no steps to leave him.You see motherhood as 'popping one out' and think it's something any idiot could do. You sound like a rubbish parent and your DH the same. Put your children first and do what is best for them. This stopped being about you two (or it should have done) a long time ago.

@Oftenithinkaboutit

You became pregnant 4 years ago. Most of that time we have been hit by covid You were on a low level £22k a year job less than 4 years ago.

Op I hate to break it to you, but I really don’t see someone on £22k 4 years managing to be on your expected £40K today when we’ve been through a pandemic

And yet her DH was on £28K then and is now on £70K, in the same 4 years.

I sympathise with you completely. I formulated a post in your support with some suggestions but it's so long (3 pages in Word!) that I'm not even going to try to post it!

Anyway, I understand. My dh was very like yours and would have been worse if he'd ever earnt enough. What really angered me was he was always moaning about lack of money, but I was better qualified, had a better career ahead of me, would have out-earned him very quickly and it was what we had agreed - that I would work and he would do the daytime childcare as he worked at night. It would have worked perfectly, but he moved thee goalposts very early on, I was ill throughout pg, because I was also busy developing ms. I could have gone back to work - it would have been the best thing, I'd have got holiday pay, sick pay etc and they would have been wonderful to me too, but no, dh bullied me into leaving and refused to do any childcare or housework, so I was buggered. I was too ill to fight him, simply didn't have the energy or brain power.. I trusted him and thought he had a plan, but he didn't.

I think you need counseling as you are clearly in a bad place and can't see the wood for the trees. I hate all the LTB shit on here, it's normally bs but your hatred, jealousy and resentment of your husbamd is palpable and it feels like you will never get back to a good relationship which yiu deserve.
What is a red herring is the stuff about "your career". You were earning 22k before dc. If you are in 30s as someone wrote this is a very low salary. Also you write that you need help researching jobs. You don't sound as if you have the gumption for any sort of career right now and are poss. delusional about thinking you would be 40k right now 4 yrs later (covid or no). Successful people find solutions not excuses ehuch seems to be your default. This is not your DHs fsult.

[quote MilkywayMonarch22]@Maiasaur There were no other options for childcare during lockdown, there was NOTHING you could have done. There was a lot of discussion around the fact that lockdown affected women who picked up the slack and put their careers on the back burner.

Your situation is stressful and upsetting.

Ignore posters who are indicating this is your fault and responsibility.
You started a family on the basis you'd both chip in, as it should be! He has you stuck and is taking advantage.

[/quote]
Agree.

The thing I keep thinking about when I read this thread, is how many times on MN do you see posters castigating an OP for having kids with a feckless arsehole? Time and time again "why did you have kids with such a twat" etc. To see the OP being blamed for her honesty in considering a termination because she didn't feel ready for children, is heartbreaking. Her H promised he'd step up so she went through with pregnancy only to find he was full of shit - too late in the day because she can't pop the kids back and it's a fait accompli because he literally absents himself from the home...who can blame her for feeling so furious and resentful?

@Namenic

The DH is completely unsupportive and unwilling to look for another job with a pay cut so that things can be more equal (as OP said - tax system favours both people working in lower paying jobs and would be beneficial for her pension). He doesn’t appreciate the sacrifices OP made to have their baby - the risk and effect on her body, career etc - despite making a commitment to her while she was pregnant (and knowing her outlook). He doesn’t seem to care about his child either and sounds lazy at weekends.

My DH used to do the child sickness days when I was in an inflexible job (even though he earned twice as much as me). He helped me re-train while working and career switch.

I do think the OP probably has some anger issues that it would be good to resolve for her own sake and her child’s; but no way would I want to be married to her DH.

OP didn't keep up her end of that commitment, either. Their agreement was that they'd both work and split childcare 50/50. OP either chose not to or was medically unable to keep up her end of that bargain by working. He stepped up, paid all the bills, and ensured his job was secure so that he could take care of OP and the child he'd agreed to have based on OP's promise to help pay for. That wasn't OP's fault, just like covid wasn't DH's fault. But their reactions to those curveballs are miles apart.

@Maiasaur

Single parents who work and have look after their children with no help from other patner is able to keep a job they work around it I’m still waiting for suggestions about where I should have sent my DC during lockdown when nurseries were closed and I wasn’t allowed to have contact with my parents? Or where self isolating DC were allowed to be sent during those 10 days? The pandemic has been a very bad time and I think a lot of people have been furloughed for childcare reasons, asked to wfh with kids, or simply sacked for lack of childcare.

Do your husband have to wfh during lockdown? And did the job you take give you the opportunity to wfh? I know so many people who had to juggle both working and kids at home me and my partner were both working with a 3 and 2 year old at joke plus a half built extension it wasn’t great for anyone. Most employers seemed to accept it was unprecedented and most workers are parents so had the issue of kids popping up in teams calls etc we just muddled through

Purpleokapi - OP either chose not to or was medically unable to keep up her end of that bargain by working.

?! She was medically unable for a short time and lost her job. Now she is able and he is unsupportive in helping her get back to their agreement. I’d rather low earning, supportive partner who actually cares about my priorities than OPs DH.