Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

@JaniieJones

'Having said that, I fully accept and empathise with my mother that she was effectively manipulated into having a child she didn't want.'

Your own dm told you this?!

We all have challenges, some of us more than others, but one thing you don't do is tell your dc shit like this. Or even think it tbh, once you have the baby any fantasies about pre dc life should stay private.

When you become an adult - and look back with adult eyes these things become obvious Don’t need to be told directly

Does anyone else feel this is an abusive relationship?

He's managed the OP into a position where she's trapped at home and has become a domestic slave in order to suit him.

He seems quite narcissistic tbh;he's the big important man who's little wifey needs to pander to him and housework/cooking/shopping/childcare is beneath him as is his wife who's career is unimportant.

If you leave him you'll be better off without a narcissist dickhead trying to bring you down and you'll have one less person to clean up after/cook for/do the laundry for.

However given his attitude I don't see him wanting 50/50 custody;he seems like the type of dickhead who'll have them EOW and even then will try to find a willing victim to dump them on eg a new girlfriend.

I had a friend who was married to a twat like this;he thought he was all important and she was nothing more than a housekeeper and nanny.He really eroded her confidence and self worth;her family hated him and the way he treated her.

She
;bless her;even tried relationship counselling to try and save their relationship but afterwards he turned around and said he just couldn't be bothered to try and left her.

He took up with a new girlfriend;a childless woman who wasn't going to be wanting to get pregnant (they were mid forties) and my friend moved on too;she's in a relationship with a man who treats her with respect,they have shared hobbies,he doesn't care she is a mum,he's good to her and her DC and most importantly she's happy and settled.

You seriously need to go to your GP and get some counselling. Your career and marriage is the least of your problems reading some of what you've written here.

@todaysdilemma

Can I ask why you think life will be easier without him? Because surely being a single mum will be even harder for your career and mental health, and you may then transfer your resentment to your child when DH isn't around.

I have been in a similar situation to the OP. Life was infinitely better when I left my DH (for a short period) - 99.9% of the childcare was on me when we were together, and that extra 0.1% of it when I left was not really much different, and I didn't have to live in a permanent fog of rage and hate every time I looked at DH. My mental health improved, and so did everything else in general - because I wasn't so resentful and angry all the time. Because I didn't have to sleep next to/cook for/share a room with someone who I felt devalued me so much. I just had sole responsibility for a small child that thought I was the bees knees. It wasn't a bad exchange.

I agree op. Either you step up and get it sorted, apply for jobs, sort child care, or you just stew in anger and argue about what you’d do if your child is sick. Covid isolate is over.

You keep going on about how high achieving youd be, but seem stuck as you wish him to help assess your train8ng needs and find you a job. Just do that yourself.

Are you jealous of him and nervous about going back to work, so would rather shout abuse and scream and argue about things like he needs to find a job for you rather than actually do it, find a job and go to work?

As much as he is behaving awfully and not helping, you are also behaving terribly in how you talk about your family. I’d divorce my husband if I ever found him talking about my child or I as you do. No ifs no buts, game over.

@JaniieJones

'Having said that, I fully accept and empathise with my mother that she was effectively manipulated into having a child she didn't want.'

Your own dm told you this?!

We all have challenges, some of us more than others, but one thing you don't do is tell your dc shit like this. Or even think it tbh, once you have the baby any fantasies about pre dc life should stay private.

Me too. Mine told me she went to the clinic to get me aborted and when I didn't react how she wanted she said it means I love you so much.

Utter bollocks. Abandoned me for a bloke.

[quote updownroundandround]@Maiasaur

Who says it's only your H who can 'change the goalposts' ?

I think I'd be organizing a cleaner and getting my DC into a nursery with extended available hours asap.

Also stop cooking and doing any laundry for H (You're far too busy job hunting to be bothered with that crap* !)

So whenever he asks ''What's for dinner ?''
Answer ''How the fuck should I know? Go buy food and cook yourself something !''

Or ''I don't have any clean shirts for work !!''
Answer ''Well, did you wash and iron any ? No ? You know why you don't have any then, don't you ?'')

Cook and do laundry for yourself and kiddo only. (Also, if food shopping, do not buy anything he likes or needs i.e razors ? ''Sorry, I don't have time for that anymore !'' And if he asks you to buy stuff for him ? Say ''No, I don't have time and I don't want to, same as you don't want to do your share of parenting !''

Once kiddo is at nursery, then I'd be applying for jobs and attending interviews (with fuck all regard given to whatever bullshit he wanted !)

Once I was working again, I'd still only be doing things for myself and DC.

If he wants to be a bastard, then maybe it's about time he learned that there's a lot he has to learn ! Beginning with what it's like when you decide to be a selfish arse too ![/quote]
This!

Your husband isn't a family man and he doesn't cate about you or your child.

You made the decisions right for you at the time but things have changed, your husband isn't a husband at all, just a drain on your emotions.

Honestly, make plans to divorce him.

I did have sympathy for OP but some of the comments made have certainly reduced that sympathy somewhat hugely.

Your OH sounds like a selfish arsehole but you aren’t a prize by the sounds of it, either.

Sit down and have an adult conversation without the nasty digs and dramatics.

My partner works FT, I currently work PT. We have two young kids (2 under 3) hence my part time work. It saves us a fortune on childcare and I’m able to keep a foot in the door of my work. Currently, I like working PT. I will go back FT when they are in school and progress fairly quickly.

I am, on paper, more qualified than my partner. My partner has more “experience” over qualifications (degree, etc) than me and has been promoted 4 times over the course of us having children. It would be daft for me to demand he go part time, lose most of our income just for me to work at a lower level for less money to prove a point. I am also not jealous because I enjoy being at home with the kids most of the week, and honestly, I enjoy not having to get up at 5am 5 days a week.

I am supporting our family by being at home with the kids 4 days a week and allowing him to work and progress. However, the favour will be repaid in a few years when I can go back FT and progress. My partner is supportive of me doing this and all of the decisions made around my work, were made by me and me alone, but I obviously took on board points he had to say.

You’re supposed to be a team. Stop looking for excuses to rip into each other and either split up now or figure out a way that makes it work for both of you.

In the immediate future, though, why can’t you go PT? It would mean you don’t have a 4 year career gap on your CV and you’d get some independence back. He’d have to pull his weight more but not to the extent where he’d get in shit in work over it.

And stop saying about the child you wanted to abort. That child is here and exists and it’s a fucking awful thing to say on a public forum. No child needs to ever find out that their mother regrets not aborting them. Christ. I understand you’re upset but catch yourself on.

@GoodGrief100

You seriously need to go to your GP and get some counselling. Your career and marriage is the least of your problems reading some of what you've written here.

Agree

So I'm just being practical here and not trying to stir the pot. OP have you considered doing what men so often do and walking away from the husband that makes you unhappy and the child you didn't (and still don't?) want? Either to have no contact or to be a part time absent parent? Your husband could get a nanny and a cleaner. If your husband doesn't want the child either and having a baby was only a way to control you, have you considered putting the child up for adoption whilst they're still young enough for someone to want them ? I realize these options are drastic but perhaps preferable to growing up in a home unwanted and resented. Don't do it while emotional though! You need to be sure because it could damage or end your relationship with your child forever.

If the shoe was on the other foot and you were offered promotions would you turn them down? You seem quite ambitious yourself.
You can either leave him or get a handle on it. Stop trying to force him into a corner (like he is doing with you) and just get paid help: you can afford it: it might not have been in your plan but you said yourself your plan is fucked. Get a nanny and get back to doing a career you love.

I'm going to be absolutely flamed for this but honestly you keep talking about him doing his share ,at this moment in time he is ,he's working earning more than the 2 of you put together when the baby was born so yes looking after the child and house should mainly fall to you right now . You are not happy with this because you want to work you sound desperate to get away from the child that you didn't really want and loathe your husband because he's done well over the last few years . You are angry , jealous and bitter about what has happened to you because the original arrangements and plans haven't worked and say your husband moved the goalposts ,I don't think he did I think the plans made before promotion isn't necessarily workable anymore . In all this there is a child who's mum didn't really want it and sees it as a burden ,an inconvenience and something in the way of your career and that is awful . I don't think you'd be happy even when you go back to work and are out the house more I think you'll still feel hard done by and still feel you do more and still resent your husband and argue over who does what with childcare and housework. Let go of your anger op it does nobody any good it just gets bigger and bigger and eats away at your life. Many women take career breaks to have a family not always late on in their career either you can't keep on like this it won't change anything. You don't come across well op you sound self centered at times and if you talk to your husband the way you do on here I'm not surprised he's not helping you I wouldn't help someone who talks to me like that either you've become consumed by your jealousy and that's going to have a huge impact on the way you communicate with him .

I think what I'm struggling to understand is why, if you're both so ambitious, that you would, given the opportunity, settle for mid level when you say you're both capable for more. Especially when you say that that's what you would be most proud of.

I have read all your updates. After initially seeing his point about not being able to take time off, the more I read, the more I changed my mind. This man is utterly horrible. And selfish. I'm not surprised you want to be as far away from him as possible. Your happiness for the sake of 2 grand which you don't actually need? It's clearly not about money but about his own ego and selfishness.

I would divorce him. Unless he has a personality transplant, I don't see how on earth this will get better for you.

@PizzaCrust OP's comments read to me as being brutally honest. That she is tired, furious and because it's an anonymous internet forum she doesn't have to put a brave face on - she can just vent.

@Tittyfilarious81 But you are overlooking the fact that OP doesn't want to take a career break - and why is it self centred to want to work and not be stuck with 100% of the childcare and housework? Why should she put up and shut up and take it on the chin? Why should her husband's "help" with the children that he wanted and he helped create, be dependent on her being nice to him? Why do his feelings, wants and needs trump hers? I do agree with you that carrying on as she is won't change anything - which is why I think she should divorce him.

@JaniieJones

'Having said that, I fully accept and empathise with my mother that she was effectively manipulated into having a child she didn't want.'

Your own dm told you this?!

We all have challenges, some of us more than others, but one thing you don't do is tell your dc shit like this. Or even think it tbh, once you have the baby any fantasies about pre dc life should stay private.

She was very surprised to find out that her friend, and our next door neighbour, had told me this before she did.

The hatred of DH by OP just flies off every page so I can't see why posters suggest them sitting down and chatting.

I also can't see why she hasn't left him and got a PT job , together with childcare for DC . It strikes me that her rigid determination for DH to share 50/50 childcare comes higher up the list.

'She was very surprised to find out that her friend, and our next door neighbour, had told me this before she did.'

Omg I'm so sorry, what a shocking thing to find out . What a twat your ndn is.

@Bagelsandbrie

I’m going to be flamed for this. I know I am. But I can sort of see his point. He’s earning the most, keeping the family going financially. He can’t just take time off to fill in the childcare gaps. I completely understand how fed up and frustrated you are in your own job situation but I think especially with covid etc you both need to do everything you can to protect the main breadwinners job - and I’d say that if it was a man or a woman in that position.

If he’s working long hours and not getting in till late and you’re not working I think the cooking / house stuff should fall to you. It’s different if you’re both working full time.

But - none of this gives him the right to talk to you like an arse. He doesn’t sound very kind in the way he says things and that’s a real problem in itself.

This x I was trying to work out how to word extremely similar. You need to both sit down and talk and both see it from the others perspective x

@IrishCharm how exactly do you think OP's H is going to see it from her perspective, when he's already made it clear that he thinks she shouldn't work so that he can?

[quote BackBackBack]@IrishCharm how exactly do you think OP's H is going to see it from her perspective, when he's already made it clear that he thinks she shouldn't work so that he can?[/quote]
That’s not what he’s made clear at all

You knowingly had a baby. Regardless of whether anyone else put pressure on you you could have terminated the pregnancy had you wanted to. Having a baby was a choice on your part, and with having a baby comes sacrifices.

I feel you're getting a hard time OP because everyone's thoughts are going like this. The whole point of coercive control being a crime is because your "choices" aren't actually yours, they're decisions you're manipulated into making or else you'll face the consequences of your partner's dissatisfaction. OP isn't coming across well because she's clearly at the end of her tether and falling to bits emotionally having held it together for years all by herself without her husband's support, throughout a pregnancy she didn't want and health complications after. She's venting here and being brutally honest with how she feels. The fact most people wouldn't ever be in this mental state or voice these thoughts if they had them, is neither here nor there. The OP isn't a terrible person for having feelings.

OP I feel your mental health would improve dramatically if you got some space from your husband and someone sympathetic to vent to. Since he's a high earner, what's the chance of you and baby booking into a hotel for a few weeks, visiting the GP for some help to get you through this time in your life and booking yourself in privately for some immediate counselling to help you work out what you want and how you feel underneath the rage towards your husband. You're still in there somewhere under all the anger. Or does he control your access to money as well?

I really relate to all of this, my exH stole my career under similar circumstances and I have never and will never forgive it. All those years of study, all that money it cost, all that grind, late nights, weekends, stress. All for nothing. I was utterly trapped by him for 10 years.

The anger is unlikely to go away unless you can turn the situation around. Forget about him, he is what is, he wont change. His only relevance right now is that he is paying all the bills. So make the most of that.

Can you do a Masters degree in a related area to your career that will give you a good financial lift? Many Masters can be done remotely now. If you get into the right thing where there is huge demand, the employer will be flexible with you and the money will be very good quickly. If you're ambitious Id be looking at something like that, and planning my future very carefully. Leave when you're good and ready and leave him in the dust. In my experience that's the only way to move on from this level of betrayal and what feels like nothing short of theft.

OP, I sympathise with your position but you need to focus on you now. I think you need to forget about sharing the childcare 50% and you need to put your child in nursery and get a nanny (funded by DH) to do pick ups and drop offs and go back to work ASAP. I know you said you don’t want your child looked after by a stranger but the majority of the successful women I know have nannies if their DHs work full time.