Covid, twatty DH and how my life has been destroyed

[Maiasaur]

I had a bad pregnancy and was off sick for ages, then on maternity, ended up getting managed out (aka got rid of) because I needed more time off due to my health. I had surgery to fix some issues. DC was approaching two when I felt recovered enough to get a new job. Everything was lined up.

Then Covid happened. Nurseries were closed. Family childcare was unavailable. Someone had to stay at home with DC. Of course in the 2.5 years since I got pregnant, DH had been promoted. So his logic was that we needed to keep his stable well paid job in preference to me starting a new, lower paid job with no security. So I had to give up my job offer and ended up bearing the burden of childcare through repeated lockdowns.

Finally nurseries reopened - but due to the pandemic, places were in short supply. My job offer was long gone. Employers still had staff on furlough and working from home, their finances were tight, so they were cautious about hiring. At this point I’d been out of work for over 3 years. DH got promoted again.

This was the point at which the problems started. DH started to whinge that everything was still volatile, bubbles were bursting and kids were having to isolate, so someone needed to be available to look after DC. And of course he was so important now, he couldn’t possibly do it.

I got a job and arranged a childminder for pick ups and drop offs. Childminder got Covid so DC had to isolate for 10 days, my new employer was not pleased. Then DC got chickenpox so that was more time off work. Covid at nursery again, more time off - and I got fired because I wasn’t able to attend work reliably. During this time DH wouldn’t take a single day off work. This is when he started to say “we can’t put the job of the highest earner at risk, when you earn the same as me I’ll take equal responsibility for DC”.

Of course I’m never going to catch up with him now because I’m four years behind career-wise. So that basically means all childcare has been dumped on me. And if all the childcare is on me I’m never going to be able to catch up am I?

So let’s skip past the fact that I’m angry, resentful, hate DH and often go to bed at 8pm to avoid him. Someone has to parent my DC so I’m currently looking for a job that can fit around that and offer flexibility for sick days. My previous career won’t. So I asked DH to help me assess my options and figure out what I could do that would suit our current circumstances. He was really nasty and said no, it’s not his responsibility to sort out a job for me, he can’t tell me what to do. I said fine - fuck it, I’ll just go back to my career then and you’ll have to deal with the fallout in terms of childcare. Of course he’s not happy with that either, I’m a nasty selfish bitch, and he doesn’t deserve that when he’s working hard to provide for us all.

Honestly, what am I supposed to do here? I have more chance of holding down a job now that the 10 day isolation is no longer required for close contacts. But I’m just getting zero help. He’s staying later and later at work, he’s gone from finishing at 5, to 6, and now he isn’t leaving the office till 6.30. So that puts all of the cooking on my shoulders too because he isn’t home in time. And now he’s refusing to do any grocery shopping or meal planning because I’ll be cooking so apparently I need to sort it, he’s already doing his share by working.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more.

You can't be sacked because of a dc isolating due to covid
You can if you’re a new employee and have been absent for 6 weeks out of 12. They asked if this was likely to keep happening and I said if DC is sick or has to isolate I have no choice but to stay home because there’s nobody else to look after him.

@Clymene

I do feel sorry for her *@JaniieJones*

So do I. What's wrong with wanting to abort a child you're not ready for?

'Then shit happened and I’m stuck doing 100% for the baby I wanted to abort' I missed that.
Fuck me.

I can see this child popping up on the stately homes thread in 20 years time or so….

Reading what you wrote about the earnings being only slightly more after taxes really gives a different perspective.

Your happiness is important. I would tell him you are not willing to continue living like this, and that if he does not care if you are happy and fulfilled, you won't continue the marriage. That you don't want to see your daughter learning the lesson that she is not important.

Then find a job that enables you to still take care of your daughter and stop doing anything for him - laundry, dinner, etc and make plans to leave.

It would be easier to raise a child alone than this, because you are raising a child alone anyway.

Sorry, not sure why I decided it was a daughter. But the same goes for your son.

Op you need to breathe. Your anger is palpable. It’s helping no one.

Start applying for jobs, they don’t need flexibility, sort your nursery place out. Plenty of women work, Inc single parents with no family support and do so successfully. You can too.

Your husband isn’t going to take a pay cut and demotion. It’s that simple and quite frankly I can’t blame him. He doesn’t need to address sickness cover and share it with you if an when it arises. Past that you both need to put weekday child care in place.

So start your job hunt. Start looking for nursery places, and good luck.

Your op suggests you are a poor attender generally
No it doesn’t? I was NEVER off work, or off school or university. Until I became ill during pregnancy and afterwards because it didn’t go very well for me. Then I was unable to work because of Covid and lack of childcare. Stop making things up.

Honestly I’m on the verge of divorcing him to force him to take 50% custody. I agreed to have a baby because we earned the same and would both work and share childcare. I didn’t sign up to be stuck with the whole lot and unable to work full-time just because he earns more

What does he say when you remind him of that?

Sorry my post should read he does need to address sick ness cover of course.

So do I. What's wrong with wanting to abort a child you're not ready for? nothing. But the OP chose not to abort the child. And having chosen not to abort the child, making a statement which includes the words “a child I wanted to abort” about a living, existing child is vile.

But the OP doesn’t want to divorce him because as she said she couldn’t buy a house with the equity from their current house and would end up in a bedsit.

That hasn’t changed, except now she’ll be a single parent to a child she doesn’t want, and judging from the way she talks about this child, will realise soon enough that they’re unwanted.

Op just sort child care and get a job. Covid is over, you’re well. Child care is available. Just crack on.

I really feel sorry for the child here. It sounds like he/she has two parents who prioritise their careers over being with them. The fact you talk with such resentment about caring for a child you wanted to abort is so sad.

I get the frustration you must feel at having your dh change the goalposts with regards to childcare and going back to work, but ffs listen to yourself. You chose to have the baby. They are here now. Casually talking about 50/50 custody and the bitterness about looking after them is awful.

Parenting is hard and boring. Some women do manage to juggle careers with motherhood. Others don't. But either way there is a child in the middle who didn't ask to be born and deserves to be loved and wanted.

I am also to be honest struggling with the way the op talks about her child. She is clearly very angry, but it’s not ok,

However instead I’d sitting hurling abuse at her husband and talking about her child in this way and arguing about drop offs and pick ups and sickness days rhe op needs to just sort weekday child care and start applying for jobs.

@Maiasaur

You can't be sacked because of a dc isolating due to covid You can if you’re a new employee and have been absent for 6 weeks out of 12. They asked if this was likely to keep happening and I said if DC is sick or has to isolate I have no choice but to stay home because there’s nobody else to look after him.

What? Why on earth would you tell them that for the love of god!!! You could have said no, been remorseful and made it your mission to find SOME solution. And if it happened again, a big IF, you could have let them deal with it then. How the hell do you think single mums manage without getting sacked? You didn't get sacked just for being absent for Covid. You got sacked because you showed them that you weren't willing to find compromises or solutions at home, or for work. And by leaving them no choice but to fire you.

Tbh I did think it odd that you got sacked over Covid and it really looks like you prefer being angry, stewing and blaming your DH rather than finding solutions to anything. It's exactly what you've done for 4 years. Everything is someone else's fault. I really don't think you are coping well with motherhood and career and marriage - and even if you leave DH, you are going to struggle. Until you can take responsibility for your own role. Yet I don't think you will leave, because then you can't then blame anyone and any failures will be your own. Because for the life of me I can't understand why you have not walked out of this marriage yet.

@HeartsAndClubs

So do I. What's wrong with wanting to abort a child you're not ready for? nothing. But the OP chose not to abort the child. And having chosen not to abort the child, making a statement which includes the words “a child I wanted to abort” about a living, existing child is vile.

This.

If she says stuff like 'the dc I wanted to abort' god knows how she acts and behaves in the poor kid's presence.

Sorry if I keep repeating myself but what is wrong with nursery/cm and a job. Or do you just love thriving on the resentment and jealousy of your dh's job?

Life is short op. Get on with it.

I don’t think the OP is saying she doesn’t love her child, she’s saying she wasn’t ready for a child then. She seems very responsible towards the child and nowhere has she said she resents the child, just her useless DH who has let the promotions and importance go to his head

@HeartsAndClubs

'Then shit happened and I’m stuck doing 100% for the baby I wanted to abort' I missed that. Fuck me.

I can see this child popping up on the stately homes thread in 20 years time or so….

I agree. Imagine having parents who hate you that much. That's how it comes across unfortunately. I feel so sorry for this little child being stuck with such selfish parents.

Stop cooking and cleaning for him now.

Just look after yourself and your child and find a job.

Get a good lawyerl

Tell him he'll have to sort out his own life since he's made it clear he's not part of yours.

I was a child that my mother wanted to abort.

It did (I believe) have an impact on how I was perceived, and ultimately treated.

Having said that, I fully accept and empathise with my mother that she was effectively manipulated into having a child she didn't want.

Of course, understanding all this (and I've been dealing with this since I was seven), doesn't change the fact that it did impact negatively on my life in a very crappy way.

I sympathise with both the OP, and the child.

You need to do whatever you need to do to get past this anger OP. Counselling, ending the marriage if that is what it takes.

Right now your anger (and the defeatist attitude it creates) is doing a much better job of sabotaging your job prospects than your DH is. All pragmatic and workable suggestions of solution have been ignored or dismissed because they don't result in your DH picking up 50% as you agreed.

Your DH is not going to step up. It is not going to happen. It is not fair or right but it is true.

You could be interviewing nannies next week and back at work in a few months. Your DS has had 3 years at home with you and will do perfectly well with a nanny until he starts school. Plus he will benefit from a mother who is happier and more fulfilled and doesn't resent time spent with him. You need to get out of your own way.

'Having said that, I fully accept and empathise with my mother that she was effectively manipulated into having a child she didn't want.'

Your own dm told you this?!

We all have challenges, some of us more than others, but one thing you don't do is tell your dc shit like this. Or even think it tbh, once you have the baby any fantasies about pre dc life should stay private.

OP is ranting to strangers on the internet. That doesn’t mean she takes it out on the child. In fact it’s far better she gets angry here and puts on a nice face for the child

OP I really feel for you and your frustration and anger is so palpable. You have every right to feel angry. Your H has changed the rules, not consulted you and consequently you have been standing left literally holding the baby. All the while he gets it all - the job, the money, the pension, professional recognition, personal growth and challenge, lovely home and children - facilitated by you at the expense of your mental health and happiness.

I would think seriously about ending your marriage. You are enraged -and I do not blame you one bit - but rage is corrosive and it sounds as if it has eaten away at your feelings for your H. That's not a healthy environment for you or your children. If you do decide to file for divorce, then go into this with open eyes:

1. He'll position himself as the wounded party and you as a selfish cow. Try and make your peace with that now, because to be honest if it gets you out of a miserable marriage then it doesn't matter what he thinks or says - your freedom is worth it.

1. It's incredibly unlikely that he will do 50% of the childcare. He already won't take days off, or use his annual leave and this won't change. If you leave then you need to have rock solid plans in place for tackling what you will do when the kids are ill or on school holidays (when they get to that stage). I can guarantee that he will chop and change his days at the shortest possible notice because "pressure of work" will always trump "time with kids". Plan ahead for it so that it won't derail you.

1. See a solicitor and get legal advice on your financial position. If you can show that you have had to give up working to facilitate his career then you might be able to claim spousal maintenance for a period, to help support you whilst you get back into work. As the resident parent with young children (because let's face it, he's hardly likely to reduce work in order to take care of them) then you are likely to get a greater share of the house/equity. You may also be able to claim a share of his pension. Make copies of his payslips, P60s, pension statements, bank statements, savings accounts etc. Make sure your important docs (birth certs, marriage cert, passports) are in a safe place.

1. Finally, channel the rage. Being angry can make you very productive but you need to be clear-headed. Try not to get overwhelmed by feeling bitter that he can swan off to work every day and leave you holding the kids. Use the time that he is out of the house to get yourself organised for leaving.

@Sunshinegirl82

You need to do whatever you need to do to get past this anger OP. Counselling, ending the marriage if that is what it takes.

Right now your anger (and the defeatist attitude it creates) is doing a much better job of sabotaging your job prospects than your DH is. All pragmatic and workable suggestions of solution have been ignored or dismissed because they don't result in your DH picking up 50% as you agreed.

Your DH is not going to step up. It is not going to happen. It is not fair or right but it is true.

You could be interviewing nannies next week and back at work in a few months. Your DS has had 3 years at home with you and will do perfectly well with a nanny until he starts school. Plus he will benefit from a mother who is happier and more fulfilled and doesn't resent time spent with him. You need to get out of your own way.

^ this is your way forward.