Daughter 5 saying sad/ shocking things.

[Chiffandbip]

My daughter (5) has been really emotionally deregulated recently especially towards bedtime.
She has always been very secure, intelligent, well behaved, straight forward, kind and light-hearted.

We bend over backwards to give her a wonderful, fun, safe and enjoyable life and her life is full of stability and predictability.

She started school in reception in September and (as I’m a reception teacher in a different school) I was prepared for her to change, to be exhausted and for her behaviour to change due to her becoming more peer oriented BUT... I was not prepared for her to be:

Refusing to do anything I ask of her.
Telling me she wishes she’d never been born.
Telling me she hates being a child.
Telling me she’s useless at everything (despite the fact she can already read, write and do difficult maths).
This evening she has pinched me, splashed me told me I’m stupid and seemed furious with me. I managed to stay calm until she pinched my under arm and a shouted “stop it” (it bloody hurt!) I’ve never shouted at her before and I’m really upset.
I don’t know what to do. She seems happy going into school and has plenty of friends and good relationships with all the adults.
Is it normal for children to say things like this? I’m really worried that she might have some kind of mental illness. I really didn’t think I’d be dealing with a child saying they wish they’d never been born at the age of 5.

@Ostryga completely agree with this and @Summerdayshaze

You sound like you’ve made great effort to be the perfect mother on paper and admitted you “bend over backwards” so this is obviously an effort for you and maybe she is picking up on your stress.

Try being less teacher and more mum.

She needs a genuine response, not a textbook phrase. Sounds to me like she is crying out for your attention and just wants you to hear her.

You sound very detached. You’re very good at listing everything you feel you’ve done well, and listing what you think she’s good at but there’s nothing about what she enjoys or what she is like.
You said she said she feels useless despite the fact she can read and write. Sorry but this is ridiculous. Most reception children can read and write.
Does she have social skills?
Does she like arts and crafts
Dancing and singing
Can she role play with others
Play football at break
Is she sympathetic
Can she share Lego and puzzles with others

There are many other things to life than being able to read and write at 5 and ensuring she can do these things isn’t going to make her life perfect or happy.

Sounds like my now 18yo at that age. You may have got yourself a drama queen and if so, are in for a rough ride.
They are absolutely consumed by their current mood, you will still be reeling from the fact that she had “
no friends, everyone hates me” on Tuesday, while she is giggling in her room with 6 little girls from school on Wednesday.
The problem is that each mood is real for her, the trick is to sympathise whilst trying not to react immediately while you see how the middle to long term situation lies.
I ended up in counselling so that I could deal with her, all you want is for them to be happy, it’s tough!

Yes I'm sure as a teacher you wouldn't have seen the exhaustion they take home with them until your own kid was at school. Mine was similar. Reception was great PLUS it involved a lot of homeschooling so worst of both worlds.

Lots of hugs on the sofa, chill/alone time, allowing zoning out.

My dd is in year 1 but in reception we had:

Telling me she wishes she’d never been born. She said that one a lot and it was a shock!
Telling me she hates being a 4/5, wants to be 3 again (she loved nursery).
Telling me she’s useless at everything (she has a speech disorder so isn't great at reading and struggles with numbers) but listed things like art that she's brilliant at.

She said all that but overall was a happy little thing who did enjoy school, so they don't really mean it sometimes. I think see what her behaviour is like over half term to see if tiredness is a factor. Definitely talk to school if you want to at the start of next term. Sometimes you just need an outside perspective, it doesn't matter than you're a reception teacher too. I'm a secondary teacher but that doesn't really help me when it comes to my own child.

Well done for highlighting this issue. I’m sure a lot of mums (I was one 5 years ago with same issue), but are terrified to ask about it in case they are judged. It’s hard to say my beautiful, perfect daughter is saying things which seem quite shocking. It is common though and what a great post to help others know their child is not the only one doing it!

My ds said and did similar things at that age and he was later diagnosed with ASD and like a pp PDA.

I would speak to the school to make them aware that you dd is struggling. Struggles inside school may be being missed in the midst of the big class.

Ask if they have an ELSA (Emotional Literacy Support person) and if so whether you dd can see them.

It's really hard to see you little one suffering and be on the receiving end of them lashing out. Make sure you look after yourself as well as helping her. As it's half term, if you can take some proper time to do 1:1 stuff that she wants to do - let her lead you in playing with her. It does wonders for a child's self esteem.

@Dancingonmoonlight glad it's helpful.

My DD was exactly like this but in year 4. It turned out she was being bullied…by her teacher! Including being marked down for work she’d always got top marks for and giving her a really crappy report card, plus a load of other nastiness that came to light later.

We moved schools the following year and she went back to being a sunny child with top grades.

That is shocking @Melassa, your poor dd. So glad she’s thriving now

Thank @Ostryga, it was a while ago, she’s now in her teens in secondary and loving it. I just feel guilty I didn’t pick up on what was going on sooner, but she was unable to express it as she thought it was normal.

I think that phrases like "I wish I'd never been born" are much easier for a child to say than an adult, because they don't have a sense of what it really means - it's just a collection of words that she's using to demonstrate anger or frustration or sadness. School is a huge transition OP and it's very early days. I honestly wouldn't worry yet, although obviously keep an eye on things. I think a chat with her teacher wouldn't do any harm.

It sounds like you are staying patient - well done. You are right to (calmly) tell her off if she hurts you - she is testing boundaries and needs a firm response.