Can you recommend me a beautiful book for a "rainbow" baby?

[notHarris]

Hi! I'd love to get a really lovely book for my friend's newborn baby. I got given one book when ds was born and I loved it so much and read it all the time to him.
My friend had a full term still birth last year so I'd love a book that reflects this in some way. Does anybody have any good ideas?
Thanks very much!!

I am sorry for your losses

It is a shame when a child grows up knowing they are a replacement though (as opposed to acknowledging the loss of the first baby and being aware )

@Pythonista

I am sorry for your losses

It is a shame when a child grows up knowing they are a replacement though (as opposed to acknowledging the loss of the first baby and being aware )

You cannot replace a dead child. You just can't. You can have (or try to) have another baby because you would like a/another living child.

But you can't ever replace them. You can't forget the hell of that loss or the overwhelming grief. You can navigate it to the best of your ability and hope for happiness in the future. But my deceased child will always be my second baby, and if thete is a third, then that would be wonderful, but it would never replace my DS2 who was a person in his own right, just like another child would be.

You are forever changed after you bury or cremate one of your children though. My DS1 is precious because he is here, my DS2 is precious and he isn't, a DC3 would be precious because they are them and hopefully whole and healthy.

@HeyFloof

BunnytheFriendlyDragon I completely agree.

And it surprises me, well, no, actually, it doesn't, the callousness of some people is astounding.

It's the opposite of callousness. Those of us that worry for the effect it has on subsequent children are not being callous. We're being sensitive to the feelings of that child. It's wrong to harness them to the grief felt by the parents. They should be born into uncomplicated joy, and be seen as themselves, not called a rainbow or anything else that ties them to the loss of a sibling they never knew, not can have any understanding of.

Callousness is not caring what effect the loss of a previous child has on their younger sibling. There are people here posting as adults about the effect it had on them, presumably for decades.

I should add though, that I feel very much for those people here who have lost children, before, during or after birth. Anything I say about considering the subsequent children, doesn't lessen my compassion for those who have to manage their own bereavement.

I’m what is now termed a rainbow baby and I grew up on the shadow of who would have been my twin brothers. Not that it’s like this for everyone but I felt I’m only here because my parents lost the twins at birth. I was told many times my mother didn’t want kids after she was 30. I was conceived 3 months after the twins and born in her 30th year. Perhaps a baby book for her baby that isn’t going to be a constant reminder when the child grows that they are this term.

Some of the comments made are showing no sensitivity whatsoever.

Do you think those of us that are bereaved parents don't care about the effect that our children's deaths have on our living children?

It isn't wrong for our children to know they have siblings who aren't here and it isn't wrong for us parents to show grief or try to find a way to still include our children in our families.

They should be born into uncomplicated joy, unfortunately life isn't like that, and the joy of having a baby after a loss is complicated, it's ridiculous to think that we should all just forget and get on with acting like nothing ever happened ffs. What kind of heartless bullshit is that?

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

Some of the comments made are showing no sensitivity whatsoever.

Do you think those of us that are bereaved parents don't care about the effect that our children's deaths have on our living children?

It isn't wrong for our children to know they have siblings who aren't here and it isn't wrong for us parents to show grief or try to find a way to still include our children in our families.

They should be born into uncomplicated joy, unfortunately life isn't like that, and the joy of having a baby after a loss is complicated, it's ridiculous to think that we should all just forget and get on with acting like nothing ever happened ffs. What kind of heartless bullshit is that?

I don't think anyone is saying to forget, but that assigning a term to a child like rainbow baby can be damaging for them.

I also recommend the Emma Dodd books, they're lovely!

I think all people are saying is that buying the child a gift you wouldn't buy for any other baby is marking him down as "rainbow baby" from the start. And from a friend of family that really seems heavy handed.

Give the parents cards and momentos, kind words and offers of help - but I don't understand why you'd want a special gift for the baby in this case.

I am sure the parents will address this with them as and when seems right to them, with love for both children. I don't think a friend buying a baby gift should be getting involved in that process unless parents request that help directly.

To be fair I think most people have suggested books any baby could receive and OP doesn't sound over invested, but the initial request did sound as if she wanted a gift to reflect the rainbow status - fine as gift for parents, doubtful as gift for baby.

I'm sure lots of us grew up hearing about nan or grandad who died before we were born, and that did us no harm and helped us understand our world. I'm sure that knowing about lost siblings can enrich kids' lives as well, but not if they perceive themselves as replacements.

saraclara the callousness I was referring to when replying to that post was the other poster who in reference to a full term still born baby said "I don't think people realise how common miscarriages are". That is callous.

I don't disagree with you that babies should be born into uncomplicated joy, but it is incredibly difficult to separate the grief, anxiety and fear from the joy, especially at such a highly emotional time as actually giving birth. Every loss mum (for want of a better phrase) I know has struggled around the birth of a subsequent baby. The missed milestones and comparisons are forever, but you only tend to say it out loud occasionally with the people who have been there and who get it.

I want my children to be emotionally secure and stable, content and comfortable in themselves and to know their worth as individuals as well as in our family.

I have never known a child to be referred to as a rainbow baby beyond a few months old, unless someone asks about siblings and then if they've had a loss they may refer to the subsequent baby as being a rainbow.

I'm sure there are people who make it the personality of the child, but I've not come across it yet. And it's a dreadful shame for those children and their parents that they are so defined by their grief.

Give the parents cards and momentos, kind words and offers of help - but I don't understand why you'd want a special gift for the baby in this case.
@Fangdango

I think it's ok that you "don't understand" why I want to get this sort of gift. I didn't start this thread to ask what people think of Rainbow babies only to ask for lovely book recommendations.
It's not my place to share any more details of the situation on here and I don't intend to.
I have read and reflected on people's opinions and I'm truly sorry for anybody has gone through this. But I won't be offering up any explanations or details about my friendship...... am just here for the books.
Thank you everybody who recommended books

As you say, you know the details. Without them seems fine for posters to urge caution. Hope the birth goes well and the gift's appreciated.

Op you sound like a lovely friend, supporting your friend and acknowledging both her babies.
I have a slightly alternative view point. I have a child, born after the loss of my baby DD. The rainbow analogy was really helpful in me processing the complex emotions which followed grief and accompanied the joy of our youngest child, and believe me getting my head around it all was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Having friends who supported that need, who accepted it without judgement meant that I needed the rainbow term for such a brief time, but whilst it was there it helped me to heal.
My youngest is nearly 6 now and the happiest most loved/loving child. My love for my daughter takes nothing away from him. He knows how wanted he was. I am able to love him so fully because I was allowed to grieve and process our new lives without guilt.

Posting here because I don't want other moms to come across these awful comments without something supportive.

For some people, rainbow baby is helpful. I personally don't use the term, but I do not and would never (being a decent person!) judge someone for that.

My stillborn daughter is a part of our family. I held her in my arms and I did not tell her "when you get a sibling, we will forget you." People unimaginately piling on with DEMANDS that people do not include their dead children in their families is despicable. Yes, it has to be done with effort and care for the child as they grow and develop.

A love for one child does not mean the other is less loved.

Even if you did experience a miscarriage or stillbirth, you do not have the right to tell people how to feel and how to interact with their families. Try to release your self-centered judgement so that other parents come across this. I was looking for books to read to my son, who I love dearly to find a way to remember my daughter, who I love dearly. Reading a book to a baby might be about healing for the parent as well.

wow

A rainbow baby is not a slur. Why do you think of it with such derision? That is insulting on many levels. I hope that you have matured in the years since this thread.

As soon as I logged in, I saw there were supportive messages. Thank you, as that makes me feel less awful than when I just read the judgmental messages. Take care to all who have had to experience such loss, and those empathetic to it.

Who cares that you don't like it?

Reading a book to a baby might be about healing for the parent as well. it shouldn't be though it is unfair to use a baby for healing.

I can't delete anything but would like to erase "other people" from my sentence as it is not fair. And I'm not trying to be passive-aggressive here. There is something sad about not being willing to understand this. I guess this forum is just here for people to shit on other people's parenting. But to do it about such a deeply felt experience --- navigating the birth of a baby while mourning the baby who you couldn't take home - is so alien to me. Reading a book to an (ILLITERATE!) baby to feel the connection, because you know the younger baby is an addition and not a replacement, is a powerful path to healing and being a present and centered parent. But to pick out one line of a longer post because you'd rather judge people navigating one of the most colossally painful experiences in life, and make assumptions, and that is very sad. I am not using my baby. I am loving my babies. This is so sad for you.