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Original poster

Can you recommend me a beautiful book for a "rainbow" baby?

96 replies

notHarris · 16/10/2021 21:41

Hi! I'd love to get a really lovely book for my friend's newborn baby. I got given one book when ds was born and I loved it so much and read it all the time to him.
My friend had a full term still birth last year so I'd love a book that reflects this in some way. Does anybody have any good ideas?
Thanks very much!!

OP posts:
Hopeisallineed · 17/10/2021 09:27

What actually is a rainbow baby?

Clocktopus · 17/10/2021 09:33

A baby born after a pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or neonatal loss. The idea is that after a storm comes a rainbow.

HeyFloof · 17/10/2021 09:36

@Hopeisallineed

What actually is a rainbow baby?
The baby that is born after the "storm" of the loss. The idea being that the deceased baby isn't the storm, but the grief and emotion and everything that goes with it is. The rainbow is the colour and sunshine coming back after.

I personally don't mind the term rainbow baby, but I don't think any child should be defined by their siblings. I also think it depends on how the death of the child was dealt with and the circumstances around it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Children's books Families
50sock · 17/10/2021 09:40

@DarkDarkNight

I’m another who would buy a lovely book to celebrate this baby, I feel it is up to the parents to see this baby as a rainbow baby or not.

This is a beautiful little book, one that I can’t quite part from. I had a couple of hers but this one has been read and read.

All of Emma Dodds books are lovely, I'd highly recommend them too.

Doesn't take anything away from the living child at all, and it does make me feel quite sad that others think that remembering another child might be detrimental to a younger sibling

I think it's whatever works for you and yours, to me it's the labelling of the sibling as a rainbow baby rather than remembering or anything around that. I was born after loss, and it was mentioned a lot growing up and I often felt guilty and upset by it, i don't blame my parents as they were dealing with it the best they knew how, but I wish we could have remembered and talked about my brother without his loss being affixed to me.

HeyFloof · 17/10/2021 09:42

@pollypokcet

My DS (4) calls himself (and we call him) a big brother, even though his sibling isn't here. He never met his brother, but we'd done a lot of preparation for becoming a big brother, and then his baby brother died. Do we backtrack and say that he's not a brother anymore?

For me it's a bit different if your son grew up seeing you pregnant and expecting a sibling because there's that personal connection there- compared to a loss before they were born. - which would mean they wouldn't even exist at all.

Hard to explain. Nothing wrong with parents honouring their child, but from a kids perspective it's probably a bit abstract to have your mum and dad talking about a baby who was there before you, that you never met

It's a tricky one, we wouldn't stop talking about DS2 if we ever had another child. It wouldn't be healthy for DS1 if we just wrote his brother out. It just has to be done in an age appropriate, sensible and measured way.

Ds2 was abstract for DS1, as I wasnt super visibly pregnant, he never felt the baby move etc, I never took him to see the baby when he was born. But we'd talked about a baby coming to live with us and some of his friends have siblings so he understood the general concept in a 4 year old way.

Chickoletta · 17/10/2021 09:47

There is a gorgeous book called ‘When the World was Waiting for You’. It’s a picture book about a family of rabbits getting ready for a baby to arrive. I’m sure it’s a bit twee for some people’s taste but we were given it as a gift and loved it.

acoldwintersday · 17/10/2021 09:49

Praying xx

ScarlettDarling · 17/10/2021 10:04

‘Rain before rainbows’ by Smriti Halls is a beautiful picture book.

MindyStClaire · 17/10/2021 10:35

I think there's a huge difference between remembering a lost baby within the family, and friends giving the new baby gifts that define them in terms of the loss.

I'd give the baby a lovely present that's not to do with their sibling, but mention the baby they lost on the card - congratulations Jane and Adam on the birth of lovely Mary, a much loved sister for James - that sort of thing.

A lovely book I haven't seen mentioned yet is The Wonderful Things You'll Be.

MindyStClaire · 17/10/2021 10:36

Although actually that book might be a little bit too difficult for bereaved parents, maybe scrap that idea.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 17/10/2021 11:39

I feel sorry for children who have to grow up with the burden of a deceased older sibling.

That is a really callous thing to say. Just awful.

unnumber · 17/10/2021 11:44

Yes, the difference is between giving the new baby a gift defining him by his parents' loss, and between acknowledging the loss to his parents when he is born.

I'd be careful even with the latter - more inclined to send flowers on the lost baby's anniversary for example. But you know your friends best and if they are emphasising this, fair enough.

But why should new baby's first books and gifts be affected? One or two very personal items from immediate family, maybe, used when parents want to broach the topic. Friends piling in with relevant gifts might be overkill.

Just get him the Very Hungry Caterpillar / Wheels of the Bus / random cloth book to slobber on. Flowers for parents acknowledging both children. He has his life ahead of him and will have sorrows of his own in his time - let his parents deal with this directly and treat him like any other child.

deedsnotwords11 · 17/10/2021 11:50

There's a lovely one called Wish with elephants in it that's about waiting for a baby that you desperately want.

unnumber · 17/10/2021 11:50

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

I feel sorry for children who have to grow up with the burden of a deceased older sibling.

That is a really callous thing to say. Just awful.

I feel sorry for children who feel any obligation to enact sadness. Of course most children, historically, will be younger siblings of lost pregnancies.

No problem with visiting graves, showing photos etc, but no, I didn't feel like a sister to children gone before I was born and would have felt dreadfully burdened by any need to explain that I had two sisters ... oh but they're dead ... yes it is sad but I never met them ...

So I do see why people would feel sorry for children cast in the role of grieving siblings. I'd focus on the parents' grief. New baby has no feelings about this to resolve.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 17/10/2021 14:11

I feel sorry for children who feel any obligation to enact sadness.

That isn't want that poster said.

unnumber · 17/10/2021 14:16

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

I feel sorry for children who feel any obligation to enact sadness.

That isn't want that poster said.

Fair enough. I suppose I mean that there are ways of handling this that would be really tough on later children, as well as approaches that more sensitive and life affirming. So I would keep supporting the parents unless they asked me to help with communicating this to their children. Liked the idea of sending them a separate gift too. Good that OP is thinking of them.
BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 17/10/2021 14:20

@Rainbowheart1

Rainbow baby is the worst term invented. Why would anyone want to be a rainbow baby.

If your others didn’t make it, that’s sad, but your first born is your first born and not a rainbow baby.

I don’t think people realise how common miscarriages actually are.

Some of the comments on this thread are awful and I wonder how many of them come from parents who have had a stillborn baby themselves.

OP's friend didn't have a miscarriage. She had a full term stillbirth.

Her "firstborn" was not a rainbow baby. You're right. They were stillborn.

It's the subsequent child that is referred to as a rainbow baby.

All those talking about this child living in the shadow of its sibling, it's not really your business, or OP's but lots of people talk openly about their children that have passed and it sounds like OP's friend is one of those.

OP you sound like a very considerate friend and as someone whose first baby was stillborn at full term I would be really touched if a friend acknowledged that I had a baby before who is sadly not with us. It doesn't mean the newborn is heading about the previous child constantly.

GoldChick · 17/10/2021 14:23

Emma Dodds - Together. It's a nice length for reading before bed. It made me a bit weepy the first time I read it but its one of my LO'a favourites. Doesn't meet your rainbow baby criteria though. F

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 17/10/2021 14:26

I also like Guess How Much I Love You

Another option is to get a nice book for the child and then something for the parents that acknowledges the first baby or even just mentioning in a card.

HeyFloof · 17/10/2021 14:26

BunnytheFriendlyDragon I completely agree.

And it surprises me, well, no, actually, it doesn't, the callousness of some people is astounding.

YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 15:15

@Chickoletta

There is a gorgeous book called ‘When the World was Waiting for You’. It’s a picture book about a family of rabbits getting ready for a baby to arrive. I’m sure it’s a bit twee for some people’s taste but we were given it as a gift and loved it.
Ooh that's a lovely one!
Pythonista · 17/10/2021 15:21

A friend of mine had a baby who died a few hours after birth. She now has another healthy one but the child is now 5 and is quite aware that they were a 'replacement' Sad

Pythonista · 17/10/2021 15:21

And it's not about being callous, it's just a shame for the living child

Original poster
notHarris · 17/10/2021 15:39

@GoldChick

Emma Dodds - Together. It's a nice length for reading before bed. It made me a bit weepy the first time I read it but its one of my LO'a favourites. Doesn't meet your rainbow baby criteria though. F
This is a lovely book, quite a few of these book recommendations have made me well up a bit..... I may be hormonal Grin Thanks all for the lovely book suggestions!
OP posts:
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 17/10/2021 15:41

@Pythonista

And it's not about being callous, it's just a shame for the living child
Do you know what else is a shame?

Two of my children dying and then people who haven't been through that thinking they would deal with that grief much better.

What are bereaved parents supposed to do? There's no handbook we get given, we just have to wing it through our own grief and try to do the right thing by everyone too, not forget, but not grieve too much either.

I daresay I could deal with a situation perfectly in my own mind if I hadn't been through it as well.

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