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Original poster

Silent treatment

56 replies

mollycobbles · 16/10/2021 19:15

My DH is currently not talking to me. He was unkind, I reacted, he said something about how I 'always do this', reduced everything I said to me being in a 'funny fucking mood' and now won't speak to me. I know from past experience that this can go on for days - he will eventually wait until I 'forget' about the reasons for the argument and just carry on as before, without ever mentioning them again.

I am so upset and he is totally unperturbed - in his head, it's just his stupid wife being hysterical and she'll stop it soon. How do I handle this? The more he ignores me, the more I want to force him to talk to me.

OP posts:
StripeyDeckchair · 16/10/2021 19:26

Adults who use immature, child-like techniques when dealing with people are deeply unattractive and showing their lack of emotional maturity and intelligence.

H1 did this and it contributed greatly to the failure of our relationship. DH2 would no more do that than fly to the moon. Hes an adult.

So how do you deal with it. Insist on counselling (individual and/or joint) to address communication issues and attitude in your relationship.
Leave if it continues, he won't change without some sort of intervention to drive change.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 16/10/2021 19:27

You end your marriage.. The silent treatment is a recognised sign of abuse...
Exh did this until it ended up me apologising... Even when he shut a door on my arm...

Redshoeblueshoe · 16/10/2021 19:30

I could have written Stripey's post. My XH was exactly the same. He's still not changed.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Travis1 · 16/10/2021 19:31

Leave.

OnceBitten25 · 16/10/2021 19:31

This behaviour also contributed to the end of my marriage. It's immature and abusive. Tell him to grow up or get lost.

I put up with it for too long. I also would apologise just to end the silent treatment even when I knew he was in the wrong. It's like he got a kick from me begging.

Judgedbycats · 16/10/2021 19:32

Yes it's abusive behaviour. Have a look at the relationships board.

AliceinBorderland · 16/10/2021 19:34

I'm not sure there's anything you can do. The silent treatment is horrible. You poor thing you don't deserve this Flowers

carlywurly · 16/10/2021 19:36

Xh did this. Dp has never once done it in a decade. We might argue but it's all out there and then it's all done with, which feels far healthier.

It's no way to live. Leave if you can.

ImFree2doasiwant · 16/10/2021 19:37

This is bullshit. My ex (note...ex) used to do it. It could last 3 weeks. While being perfect pleasant to others, watching a TV and laughing obnoxiously loudly.

At the start I hated it, I was desperate to make up and would often end up apologising. Towards the end I ignored it and carried on regardless, having a nice time on my own and realising I didn't need this bullshit it my life and dudnt want my children exposed to it.

Chloemol · 16/10/2021 19:38

Just carry on as normal and ignore

In the meantime make plans to leave

FanGirlX · 16/10/2021 19:40

Ex DP did this. He used to block me on WhatsApp, messenger, phone too. He said it was because he couldn't be arsed talking to me because I'd had "a hissy fit". Which means I'd brought up something that he didn't want to discuss.

I recognise it as emotional abuse now. It's not rational adult behaviour. Rational adults talk things through.

I felt like I couldn't bring anything up because he would throw a strop then ignore me for a week.

DuvetDayIsEveryDay · 16/10/2021 19:40

You know this silent treatment is abusive right ?

Leave the man-child.

madroid · 16/10/2021 20:56

You handle it by acting like you are totally unconcerned.

The silent treatment is to exercise power over you - so don't let it. Go out, have fun, be utterly normal. Let him see it has no effect.

Then watch him 'escalate' to another for of power over you. Then you will see his abusive agenda and will be clear at the need to leave.

Original poster
mollycobbles · 17/10/2021 09:50

Thank you all for your replies. This morning he says he is ignoring me because he doesn't want to provoke me further, because he's "scared of me" and the things I say when I'm upset.

I am so so sad that he could say this, and keep wanting to get to the bottom of what he means. Presumably he's saying I'm abusive. However, when I ask him what he means, he says I'm dragging on the argument, so I can't get to the bottom of it. I feel horrible, because I can't even tell anyone in real life that he accused me of scaring him. It's such a horrible thing.

Sorry - I think I should have posted in relationships. I will next time.

OP posts:
MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 17/10/2021 10:26

What a bastard. He's being abusive and acting like it's you who is. He's not scared of anything. He's being nasty.

Do you have DC? Can you (and DC) go somewhere today to get some time and distance from him?

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 17/10/2021 10:28

Plus he's deliberately preventing any discussion which would no doubt show that he is the one in the wrong. Trust your instincts on this.

You can ask mumsnet to move this to relationships for more support Flowers

Gothichouse40 · 17/10/2021 10:31

So he behaves like a toddler and then turns it all right back onto you. Give him an ultimatum, either he discusses things like adults or he can pack his bags. Don't put up with this, or the rest of your life and marriage really won't be worth living.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 17/10/2021 10:32

Well end it op... Tell him obviously you don't expect him to stay in such an awful relationship..
He won't change. Not for the better anyway..

QueenDanu · 17/10/2021 11:30

I have noticed this is the go to tool for a lot of members in my family.

It's so passive aggressive and do you know what else it is?! It''s a fear of rational discussion

This is what I've realised.

My parents won't talk to me because if they did, they'd just have to answer a few questions and logic might get in the way of their martyred indignation.

Their martyred indignation isn't based on anything fair, reasonable or rational, so a f*ing conversation is the last thing they can risk.

Hence, the silent treatment..........

A cousin of mine gave (gives?) me the silent treatment as well. It's just ongoing. I've done nothing to deserve it and she can't risk any conversation either. If i were to ask her directly ''have I done something to upset you?'' the answer would be no. She knows this. There is no argument to ''pick''. So she just cast me in the role of her enemy and gives me the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is the tool of the passive aggressive scapegoating covert narcissist who knows that they have no REASONABLE justification for their anger/martyrdom. So to avoid being cornered in to a place where they have to acknowledge that, a conversation is the one thing they absolutely must avoid.

Wine
Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 17/10/2021 11:35

Now he's gas lighting you and creating his own narrative because he knows HE is the abuser.

QueenDanu · 17/10/2021 11:37

@carlywurly

Xh did this. Dp has never once done it in a decade. We might argue but it's all out there and then it's all done with, which feels far healthier.

It's no way to live. Leave if you can.

Yes, healthy people don't fear getting it all out there.

I recognise in my parents' fear of a conversation. Because when they've decided how they feel, mere logic, facts, or reason cannot be allowed to undermine their feelings.

Their terror of a conversation is absolutely ridiculous.

If they've decided that they have the right to be hurt, wounded, martyred or indignant then they will shut down completely and utterly and give me the silent treatment to avoid that conversation where I could point out any of the double standards.

Not being heard triggers me, and my trying to communicate with them triggers me.

But they're the ones who never lose it. They actually goad me and bait me with their lack of reaction and their lack of response and their lack of communication. I end up shouting at them and then they focus only on that.

The fact that they do not consider their own daughter worthy of a conversation is something that the cannot acknowledge for a split second.

I have found that this is quite a common stance in people whose defenses are so rigid. You know you have right on your side. You are waiting for logic and reason to penetrate their shield but it won't because they make sure it won't.

Tallisimo · 17/10/2021 11:38

I’m sorry you are experiencing this unkind treatment. Your H is not behaving like a mature adult, but like a sulky child. I would not waste any time trying to understand why he does this, but focus your energy on making it clear to him that his behaviour is unacceptable, and if he can’t discuss and resolve things in an adult way, you will be re-evaluating your relationship.

FanGirlX · 17/10/2021 11:38

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

Now he's gas lighting you and creating his own narrative because he knows HE is the abuser.
I genuinely think my ex thought he was right and the silent treatment was my punishment for having another opinion / bringing up something he didn't want to discuss.
QueenDanu · 17/10/2021 11:38

Edit
Not being heard triggers me, and my trying to communicate with them triggers them.

QueenDanu · 17/10/2021 11:41

@FanGirlX yeh it's a perfect storm.

The person who wants to be heard is triggered by not being heard and the person who is super defensive and cannot risk their perception of events being challenged at all. They're too fragile for that. Any criticism at all, even the tiniest bit of negative feedback is totally unbearable for them so the shutters come right down quickly and conversation is the thing that must be avoided at all costs.

Conversation is dangerous. Their perception of events might be threatened by a conversation.