Silent treatment

[mollycobbles]

My DH is currently not talking to me. He was unkind, I reacted, he said something about how I 'always do this', reduced everything I said to me being in a 'funny fucking mood' and now won't speak to me. I know from past experience that this can go on for days - he will eventually wait until I 'forget' about the reasons for the argument and just carry on as before, without ever mentioning them again.

I am so upset and he is totally unperturbed - in his head, it's just his stupid wife being hysterical and she'll stop it soon. How do I handle this? The more he ignores me, the more I want to force him to talk to me.

ps, all of the people in my life who have given me the silent treatment, if I support their rosy view of themselves and acted like I interpreted things in exactly the same way they had interpreted them then they could be very pleasant.

But it is as somebody upthread identified, the sort of person whose go to tool is the silent treatment does not view you as having the right to your own completely independent viewpoint.

My mother doesn't believe I am the judge of when I am hurt. She really does seem to believe at her core that she is the juddge of when I'm hurt.

I've only figured this out from her behavior. She will not go anywhere near a conversation with me and is still stonewalling me two years after I told her she hurt me.

This thread is eye opening and is making me feel better about splitting with the alcoholic man child.

[quote QueenDanu]@FanGirlX yeh it's a perfect storm.

The person who wants to be heard is triggered by not being heard and the person who is super defensive and cannot risk their perception of events being challenged at all. They're too fragile for that. Any criticism at all, even the tiniest bit of negative feedback is totally unbearable for them so the shutters come right down quickly and conversation is the thing that must be avoided at all costs.

Conversation is dangerous. Their perception of events might be threatened by a conversation.[/quote]
This makes perfect sense. Thank you for explaining it. It's exactly the situation I found myself in with ex.

So why am I still blaming myself? Is it because he blames me?

Yes I think so @FanGirlX it's the legacy of the trauma bond, still doing his job for him in judging yourself by his standards.

Self-compassion is your friend. And I don't just mean as in typing it out. The practice of self-compassion. Dr Kirsten Neff and Dr Chris Germer all have lots of videos on youtubes, and both of them have a few books too. I've listened to a few on audible and I'm going to do the workbook over my holiday. I think I understand the theory of self-compassion and how it's helped me recalibrate but it is a practice and I want to keep it up.

His mother blocked me on FB / messenger, WhatsApp last week too. I hadn't been contacting her, so she had no reason to do it. I'm wondering if it's learned behaviour. It hurt me when I noticed because I thought we'd always got on quite well.

ps you say ''I genuinely think my ex thought he was right and the silent treatment was my punishment for having another opinion / bringing up something he didn't want to discuss.''

Yes, I think these people's fear of conversation can be so deep that their emotional defenses can be so rigid that they do not see that they're avoiding conversation. They see themselves as meting out justice. You upset them. They're teaching you that you risk losing them if you upset them. It's a control thing. If they were to accept conversation you'd be in control. Or have some control. But the refusal to communicate whatsoever gives them back control.

It's also a levelling move. The cousin who gives me the silent treatment I think what triggered it for her that I showed up at a family do and was just a little bit more confident and content than she remembered me being She had always considered herself above me and here I was acting like her equal. She was massively triggered by this and has given me the silent treatment ever since. So in some cases it is pure ''levelling''.

They see themselves as meting out justice. You upset them. They're teaching you that you risk losing them if you upset them.

This is absolutely spot on. Thank you, we only split 6 weeks ago and I'm still struggling to process it.

This is abusive. Its gaslighting.
Don't engage with him further he won't come to see your point of view. He will just make you question your completely normal emotional response to him being unkind.
Honestly I would think about how you are going to leave him.
This will only escalate and eat away at your self esteem.
You deserve to be in a relationship where there is at least some dialogue during a disagreement.. where you can work thru it. Your feelings here are being completely disregarded and on top of that you are being gaslit. He wants to manipulate you to the point where you won't dare to question or respond to any of his behaviour and he can just do and say what he wants all the time.
Please think about getting away from him

@FanGirlX

His mother blocked me on FB / messenger, WhatsApp last week too. I hadn't been contacting her, so she had no reason to do it. I'm wondering if it's learned behaviour. It hurt me when I noticed because I thought we'd always got on quite well.

Oh absolutely, a learned behavior! This is typical. So he is a second generation (at least) person who deals with any conflict by blocking / avoiding / stonewalling.

It's probably for the best mind you!

You're free from their toxicity. But it's a mindset isn't it. ''Quick, block her first. Show her she's erased, show her she's deleted, show her we have tipp-exed her out, show her she's nothing to us''.

That need to get in their first to cut you down and show you that.

The people I've blocked on facebook have been old bosses, weird men!

I mean imagine the mindset of a woman who blocks somebody who was on the receiving end of her son's silent treatment!!!!

What was she scared of? That you didn't fully get the message you'd been ''erased''/

I doubt she had any real fear that you might send her a message.

ps, @FanGirlX and I've just thought, in the case of his mother, it wasn't even the fear of conflict that made her block you because you weren't even trying to communicate with her. So just a feeling of discomfort around you made her block you. The situation made her uncomfortable, so how did she handle that? By blocking you!

I'd have sent a quick message to ease the discomfort by sayig so sorry it didn't work out and hopefully the next relationship will be easier and bring more joy (if it had been my son's gf)

@FanGirlX

They see themselves as meting out justice. You upset them. They're teaching you that you risk losing them if you upset them.

This is absolutely spot on. Thank you, we only split 6 weeks ago and I'm still struggling to process it.

Give me an hour, have to do something now but i will find a video on jay reid or patrick teahan where he explains so perfectly how these people are triggered by being pushed to communicate. It really makes it less personal. Will post it later on.

xx

Thank you @QueenDanu

Very interesting. I'm looking back and looking for answers. He love bombed at the start because I had something he wanted - enough money / ability to get a mortgage, which is something he doesn't. He has a DD from a previous relationship that couldn't even stay over night with him until I came along because he was living in a bed sit. He wanted to come in on my mortgage but he earns so little / has too high outgoings that it wasn't worth it. The cracks started to appear after about 12 months once he realised he wasn't going to get what he wanted. I'm so glad I didn't end up financially tied to him.

I have been triggered as he seemed to have no concern for my feelings and needs. That isn't all my fault, I'm realising that now. I did have outbursts of frustration and I need to work on how I deal with frustration. We really weren't good for each other.

I suspect his mother blocking me may have something to do with what he is saying about me. Not sure what but I think I will be being portrayed as being evil. Then there is the blocking to mete out justice aspect that you mentioned too.

Totally agree with the meeting out of justice comment.
I've had to deal with this for many years. The best self protection (apart from leaving him which I can't bring myself to do quite yet) is to pretend nothing has happened and don't show you're upset. If you do, the 'punishnent' has been successful and he'll use this strategy all the more.
Instead, surround yourself with friends, DC, activities, pamper time and live your life as best you can. He will seethe in silent resentment at you being so audacious as to be having fun, but you'll just upset yourself otherwise. The thaw will happen eventually.

Wow @FanGirlX you had such a close shave!

I once dated a man who love bombed me and then tried to ghost me. I rang him with my number withheld though and told him I was drawing a line under the whole ''shabby affair''. Big big big no no on mumsnet to ring somebody who's ghosted you but I rang him to let him know that I knew I had held my head high. I held my value even though he had devalued me. He tried to fob me off and said ''can I ring you back later?'' and I said ''no, this will not be a long conversation and I don't believe you would ring me back''. Anyway, the reason I make a comparison is because he was Spanish and I'm Irish and he was attracted to me first because I had my own house, job, income, savings, pension............. and then over time, I detected this horribly ugly resentment in him, that I had been accepted for a mortgage and he kept getting turned down. He started saying that that was racism. I was like, racism? You have blue eyes? I just didn't get that he was projecting all this blame and resentment on to me. But weirdly for him the point of no return was when my son won a chess contest that his son had been knocked out of in an earlier round. He literally could not handle that. Then he ghosted me.....

Honestly, all the hours women spend sitting around trying to figure out why they've been ghosted and it can be something as ridiculous as her child is better at chess than my child

It made me realise it's not worth trying to figure out why somebody ghosted you!!

Apologies to the @mollycobbles for the tangent taken here! Have moved on to ghosting not silent treatments!

They are linked though. It's a similar inability to process emotions.

Ah the silent treatment. Aggressively ignoring you no doubt, making it difficult to be in the same room and making his displeasure palpable. I remember it well. It's shit, disrespectful, abusive, downright hard work and ultimately unsustainable. It's the perfect breeding ground for building resentment which corodes good will

@QueenDanu

He can do no wrong in his mother's eyes. Interestingly his sister hasn't blocked me and is still liking the photos I post. I know she has issues with the family dynamics- she is successful but never gets any credit for it. He is a bit of a loser but is lauded for it - nothing is ever his fault, everything is the fault of others.

Gosh the Spanish guy sounds like a catch! Some men fear independent women I think and try to control them.

@mollycobbles

Thank you all for your replies. This morning he says he is ignoring me because he doesn't want to provoke me further, because he's "scared of me" and the things I say when I'm upset.

I am so so sad that he could say this, and keep wanting to get to the bottom of what he means. Presumably he's saying I'm abusive. However, when I ask him what he means, he says I'm dragging on the argument, so I can't get to the bottom of it. I feel horrible, because I can't even tell anyone in real life that he accused me of scaring him. It's such a horrible thing.

Sorry - I think I should have posted in relationships. I will next time.

Sorry this man is classic abuser

This is how my abuser started

One day he was sat on the phone trying to get counselling as I was so mean to him

What had I done - stood up for myself

Be very careful
Get your plan hatached and listen to the wise people here who also have seen this bull sht before

This morning he says he is ignoring me because he doesn't want to provoke me further, because he's "scared of me" and the things I say when I'm upset.

He's ramping up the pressure for you to cave and apologise. You have trouble seeing it because you are trying to manage his behaviour in an adult, assertive way.
Couples therapy is not recommended for abusive relationships, so thats not an option.

You can't fix this. The only rational response is to say 'if you are that scared of me we need to split immediately'', and follow through.
At that point he is likely to change his behaviour, love bomb you and try to get you to change your mind. Don't fall for it, its just the next step in the cycle of abuse.

He is doing it deliberately to wind you up.
You will never ‘understand ‘ how his mind works so that this behaviour can be resolved.
He LOVES how distressed you are, it makes him feel powerful.
This is the real him.
The nice him is an illusion to keep you hooked.
Can you live with it?

Sorry for derailing OP.

The man who had no interest in my pleasure - sex was over in a minute after no foreplay - once put a porn video of a man's view of a girl giving a blow job on his phone. Gave his phone to me and said watch and learn.

When I had my period (which he knew) came into the bedroom one night and said "I've got a massive hard on, what you going to do about it?".

What a prince amongst men 😂.

Think I'm just venting now. Another couple of things he would do. If he was annoyed with me he would do a really stinky fart deliberately before leaving the room and leaving me in the stench.

He also used to pile furniture on the stairs to stop me getting down to find him drunk. How controlling is that - effectively locking me upstairs?

I don't know. I've had the most horrible day, wondering if he's right and that it what I am. He's right that I do sometimes say things when I'm upset and he's ignoring me - I suppose to make him notice me.

I don't know what to do now. He wants to forget about it now (not talk about it - just move on) and I feel tainted by what he's said. I can't even tell anyone because I'm so ashamed. I've told him he should leave me if he really thinks he's being abused, but he just says I'm trying to cause trouble and drag the argument on. I feel really done.

Sorry down, not done.

@mollycobbles

I don't know. I've had the most horrible day, wondering if he's right and that it what I am. He's right that I do sometimes say things when I'm upset and he's ignoring me - I suppose to make him notice me.

I don't know what to do now. He wants to forget about it now (not talk about it - just move on) and I feel tainted by what he's said. I can't even tell anyone because I'm so ashamed. I've told him he should leave me if he really thinks he's being abused, but he just says I'm trying to cause trouble and drag the argument on. I feel really done.

This is what mine was like. We split up 6 weeks ago and he blocked me on everything. He only unblocks me if he wants to send me something and then blocks me again before I can respond.

I used to snap at him because he frustrated me so much. Looking back we never resolved a difference of opinion because he would give me the silent treatment until I gave in and let him win.

I do think that I need to work on how I deal with frustration but that is nothing compared to the silent treatment - it's controlling.