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Original poster

DH and newborn

68 replies

spotdot · 16/10/2021 09:26

I wasn't feeling brave enough for AIBU.
My DH and I have a 3 year old and a 3 week old. I am formula feeding and we are sharing the overnight wakings, with me doing the majority, DH does 1, or possibly 2 on a bad night. 3 year old has been unsettled recently and also waking through the night looking for comfort.

DH has plans to go out with friends tonight and the plans have been made for several weeks, before baby was born. It will be a late night with him not returning until the small hours and he will be drunk. I said to him last night that I didn't think it was very fair of him to leave me to do all care for everyone while baby is still so small. I also said that I wouldn't do it to him, which is true - I wouldn't go out for a night of drinking with friends probably for several more weeks/months.

He was clearly unhappy that I was bringing this up and has decided, with a massive attitude, not to go. He is is terrible form this morning and clearly angry at me. He is away to work and is still of the mind that he is not going tonight. I would rather he go than be home in a crap mood.

Am I wrong? Is it ok for him to go? My post partum head can't tell if I was being silly or not.

OP posts:

SausageRoll2020 · 16/10/2021 09:28

You're being unreasonable by only saying 24 hours beforehand that you don't want him to go when you've seemingly known about this planned night out for weeks

saltontoast · 16/10/2021 09:29

I think maybe it would've been ideal to voice these concerns when it was being planned several weeks ago.

emlouwat · 16/10/2021 09:30

Personally if he had been generally helpful at night I would probably be ok with him wanting to go out.
I would be more pissed if there is an expectation that I do everything at night with both kids ( which was my own experience so I'm probably not able to give a balanced opinion!!)

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ByeBumpHiBaby · 16/10/2021 09:30

I don't think he should go and leave you to struggle.

Equally, when the plans were made a few weeks ago I think it should have been discussed between you both then rather than leaving it until the day.

Lulu1919 · 16/10/2021 09:32

I think telling his now was a bit unfair ....he was probably looking forward to it .
I'm sure you can manage for just one night ....get the formula ready as much as you can ...
Try and tired three year old out ....

Then make a deal that he gets up the next night for each feed so you can sleep though ?

Compromise ???

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 16/10/2021 09:32

Why did you agree in the first place when you clearly thought all along he should be holding off on a big night out?

Bordois · 16/10/2021 09:33

Why not agree that he can have this night "off" as long as you get next Saturday night off - not to go out if you don't feel up to it, but he does ALL the night feeds and toddler comforting for that night.

LIZS · 16/10/2021 09:34

It is one night. As long as he is willing to do more another night you need to give and take. Your view may be coloured by new mum fatigue and possibly a bit of envy that he can just down tools and switch off. Can he sleep in another room to avoid disturbing you and baby when he comes in?

LittleBearPad · 16/10/2021 09:34

I think you’ve been a bit unfair when it was arranged a while ago. He could go and then look after the kids tomorrow so you get a break.

tiggerwhocamefortea · 16/10/2021 09:35

Yes you're being unreasonable - it's been planned for a long time - before the baby was born even - shouldn't now be a surprise that the baby is "still small" and the date of the night out is here 🤷🏻‍♀️

To be honest I think he's already helping out more than necessary with night feeds since you are on maternity leave and he is presumably working full time

And of course "you wouldn't do it to him" babies need their mums more at this age - it just so happens you are formulae feeding and not breastfeeding

PotteringAlong · 16/10/2021 09:36

It’s been planned for weeks. You cannot announce 24 hours in advance that you have a problem with it. The “I wouldn’t do it to you” is passive aggressive and, again, if true, could have been raised at any point in the last 6 weeks or so.

It’s one night. Stick the 3 year old in the other side of your bed so you don’t have to get up and crack on.

AliMonkey · 16/10/2021 09:36

I understand your wish for him not to go but is there a decent compromise? He goes but doesn’t stay out to early hours and/or doesn’t get drunk. My worry if he had been drinking all night would be that not only could he not help overnight but that he wouldn’t be in a state to help the next day either. Alternatively agree he will do all night wakings the next night?

FWBNC · 16/10/2021 09:36

I think you're both being unreasonable to each other.

He should have acknowledged him going out puts the full load on you and it would have been nice of him to offer to do a full night fir both kids next weekend (or night of your choice)

I think you're being unreasonable in that it's been planned for ages and it's only one night- not a week away with the lads.

Why not send him a message saying you're sorry you asked him not to go, but that you're very tired & the thought of doing all wakings for both was a bit daunting, but can he do the same for you next weekend & you'll do it tonight.?

SylvanasWindrunner · 16/10/2021 09:36

My husband wouldn't have done it but that's just us. I don't think YABU to not want him to go personally but I think I would have said so when he first mentioned it.

MoreThanAnOffDay · 16/10/2021 09:37

I'm on the fence.
My pov
I think you should have given more notice rather than let down last minute. And plenty of people have a new born and toddler.
DH worked a job where he'd do 8 till 6 then a 2nd hobby / job 8pm till midnight on weekends (entertainer)
We had a newborn and 20month old. And dsc who bed wets sometimes twice a night. My god it was hard. But sometimes we just get on with things whether we like it or not.

However on the other side of the coin. He knows your eldest is unsettled too so he should maybe be compassionate and offer to stay home or maybe not drink so much so could help when home with the 3yr old?

Bagelsandbrie · 16/10/2021 09:38

It’s one night that’s been planned for weeks. I think he should go and just do extra to help when he’s back. You’re being unfair but I think when you’ve got a newborn all rationality goes out the window!

Nearlytheretrees · 16/10/2021 09:40

Yabu to have left it until last minute then told him you didn't want him to go. Presume he's been looking forward to it I would be disappointed if my partner then said the day before they didn't want me to do something

Quartz2208 · 16/10/2021 09:40

I think given that you are 3 weeks PP you both need to cut both of you some slack. Things change quickly and if you dont feel comfortable you dont feel comfortable but at the same time he thought he was going and now plans are changing.

I think perhaps the way you said it saying that he was unfair and you wouldnt to do it him wasnt the right approach. Instead say that you are sorry and it had been agreed but now the night was here and you are 3 weeks pp you simply arent ready to be left and you didnt realise when it was planned.

Its ok to be honest with him as well and say you are feeling you need more help

Darkdarknights · 16/10/2021 09:41

I don’t think that was fair to say to him the night before he was going.

Newpuppymummy · 16/10/2021 09:44

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. He’s probably been looking forward to it, it’s been planned for months.
Coming at this from a single parent perspective so maybe slightly skewed but it’s one night. Ask him to take over the night after then you get a treat too?

Original poster

spotdot · 16/10/2021 09:44

Thanks all, I do agree that I shouldn't have waited until the 11th hour to bring it up - that's on me.
He is working tomorrow so the kids will be with me anyway. He has been invited to another night next Saturday which he is going to, which will be similar - drinking, home late etc.
He is generally helpful and a hands on dad, so I probably am BU

OP posts:

Tiredmum100 · 16/10/2021 09:47

Personally I'd suck it up for one night, wave him off and tell him to have a good night. Next weekend you have a full nights sleep and he gets up to see to the dc. Everyone needs a break. If its been planned for a while he was probably looking forward to catching up with his friends and only mentioning last night you didn't want him to go was a bit unfair.

Quartz2208 · 16/10/2021 09:47

But at this stage OP it is ok to be unreasonable - I think until the baby is properly settled you do have a right to go I am not ok with this.

But the way you said it blaming him and passive aggressive isnt the way forward. Please talk to him about it and come up with a way of actually ensuring you feel ok as well. 3 weeks pp is a tricky time and I think it is ok for you not to feel comfortable. 2 Saturdays in a row is a lot at this stage.

Talk to him

MrsAmaretto · 16/10/2021 09:48

Can’t he go out but not get rip roaringly drunk?

I really understand that it is hard and you want the support but how long is he going out for? Until 2am? Surely you can do everything that night and then handover to him at 7am to do the toddler, baby etc then?

He can’t be expecting to go out and get wasted and then stay in bed until 2/3pm cause he has a young child already, and that sort of selfish behaviour doesn’t cut it when you have young kids?

Bagelsandbrie · 16/10/2021 09:49

@spotdot

Thanks all, I do agree that I shouldn't have waited until the 11th hour to bring it up - that's on me. He is working tomorrow so the kids will be with me anyway. He has been invited to another night next Saturday which he is going to, which will be similar - drinking, home late etc. He is generally helpful and a hands on dad, so I probably am BU

So how often does he generally go out? Initially I thought this was a one off, rare thing but if he’s out next weekend as well maybe that’s not the case? I think him going out next weekend changes things a bit although I probably wouldn’t have said anything given this ones been planned for ages.

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