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Original poster

DH and newborn

68 replies

spotdot · 16/10/2021 09:26

I wasn't feeling brave enough for AIBU.
My DH and I have a 3 year old and a 3 week old. I am formula feeding and we are sharing the overnight wakings, with me doing the majority, DH does 1, or possibly 2 on a bad night. 3 year old has been unsettled recently and also waking through the night looking for comfort.

DH has plans to go out with friends tonight and the plans have been made for several weeks, before baby was born. It will be a late night with him not returning until the small hours and he will be drunk. I said to him last night that I didn't think it was very fair of him to leave me to do all care for everyone while baby is still so small. I also said that I wouldn't do it to him, which is true - I wouldn't go out for a night of drinking with friends probably for several more weeks/months.

He was clearly unhappy that I was bringing this up and has decided, with a massive attitude, not to go. He is is terrible form this morning and clearly angry at me. He is away to work and is still of the mind that he is not going tonight. I would rather he go than be home in a crap mood.

Am I wrong? Is it ok for him to go? My post partum head can't tell if I was being silly or not.

OP posts:
WheelieBinPrincess · 16/10/2021 09:50

I have a four week old and even though admittedly no toddler, I would be ok for DH to go. But not for a massive sesh rendering him totally useless the next day. I’d bank a night out for myself at some point.

I think it’s understandable that if you’ve only just said you don’t want him to go he’s not particularly impressed about it.

GoodnightGrandma · 16/10/2021 09:51

Let him go, it was already arranged and you had agreed to it.
But I’d be disappointed if my partner thought it was ok to arrange this, surely he could have waited until 6 or 8 weeks.

Original poster
spotdot · 16/10/2021 09:52

@MrsAmaretto

Can’t he go out but not get rip roaringly drunk?

I really understand that it is hard and you want the support but how long is he going out for? Until 2am? Surely you can do everything that night and then handover to him at 7am to do the toddler, baby etc then?

He can’t be expecting to go out and get wasted and then stay in bed until 2/3pm cause he has a young child already, and that sort of selfish behaviour doesn’t cut it when you have young kids?

He could but the crowd he's with make that seem unlikely. Plus they're all sharing a taxi home so he will have to wait until everyone is leaving. I wouldn't want him to get up at 7 with the kids if he was v hungover.
OP posts:

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Quartz2208 · 16/10/2021 09:55

What hours is he working tomorrow? If he goes out works tomorrow will he still be out of action.

Just talk to him OP and be honest - it is ok if you are finding this bit hard and need more support from him. Some do some dont - this is how you are feeling because he is your partner.

2 weeks in a row as well is an awful lot

ImFree2doasiwant · 16/10/2021 09:56

Yanbu at all. Yes your last minute change of heart isn't usual but this was arranged before the baby was born. Really you both should have had it down as a tentative plan. But at the end of the day they're his children too and if you feel like you want him there then he should be there. 2 weekends in a row us taking the piss at this stage.

Original poster
spotdot · 16/10/2021 10:01

@Quartz2208

What hours is he working tomorrow? If he goes out works tomorrow will he still be out of action.

Just talk to him OP and be honest - it is ok if you are finding this bit hard and need more support from him. Some do some dont - this is how you are feeling because he is your partner.

2 weeks in a row as well is an awful lot

12-6, so he will have the morning to recover
OP posts:
ittakes2 · 16/10/2021 10:01

Hire a baby sitter to act as a mother’s help and get help in if you need it. But you’ve known about this before the baby was even born so yes bad to cancel last minute

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2021 10:20

Why did you think it was okay until now?

Why did it have to be such a late and heavy one? Couldn’t he have gone for a few hours and moderated his intake?

MiniPumpkin · 16/10/2021 10:26

Let him go, the early days are so hard I know. We try to let each other have our own free time as much as possible, even if it means one person suffers temporarily at least you can look forward to a break soon. Telling him at this point is unfair and I’d be raging, but I do think if things are particularly difficult you could just ask to compromise, maybe not come home too late or for him to have a stinking hangover and be useless the next day. Organise a break for yourself too
Good luck

FlowerArranger · 16/10/2021 10:29

@MrsAmaretto

Can’t he go out but not get rip roaringly drunk?

I really understand that it is hard and you want the support but how long is he going out for? Until 2am? Surely you can do everything that night and then handover to him at 7am to do the toddler, baby etc then?

He can’t be expecting to go out and get wasted and then stay in bed until 2/3pm cause he has a young child already, and that sort of selfish behaviour doesn’t cut it when you have young kids?

I was just about to say this.

I like a drink but I just don't get why anyone would want to get actually drunk. Especially someone who has young children.

One of mine once fell down the stairs in the middle of the night, when my husband was away on business. It was a nightmare as I had to find 2 neighbours, at 2 in the morning! - one to drive me to A&E, and another to watch my other kids.

LittleBearPad · 16/10/2021 10:29

If he’s not working until 12 tomorrow he can do childcare in the morning hungover or not.

limmylee · 16/10/2021 10:45

You're perfectly entitled to be honest about how you're feeling. In normal circumstances, asking someone to cancel a night out might seem unreasonable, but I presume the majority of people replying aren't 3 weeks postpartum with a newborn and a toddler who wake repeatedly all night.

I disagree with the majority of replies you're getting stating it's unreasonable to bring it up now. The night was planned before the new baby was born and at a time when your toddler was more settled at night. Both of those changes change the situation massively.

It's unreasonable, and actually cruel, to leave you overnight (and probably for most of tomorrow if he's hungover) to carry the load alone when you're still recovering, the baby is so small and needy and the toddler is so unsettled.

You could compromise and say go but stick to a 5 drink limit and he has to be home by midnight, at which point he's on toddler duty and at least one feed for the baby overnight.

Also, the fact that he's planned another night out next weekend is a bit rich in my opinion. You're at home alone all week while he works so the only time you have his support is weekend. Granted, we all need to let off steam from time to time, but he has a responsibility to all of you to support you right now with your family. You need time for yourself at the weekend too.

Another option is he can stump up for an overnight babysitter so that you're supported while he goes out and he agrees to take over first thing in the morning.

Quartz2208 · 16/10/2021 11:03

So he is going out having the morning to recover this evening and next week when you have a newborn and a toddler and are struggling

Yeah I think he is having his cake and eating it a bit I can see why you are annoyed

WTF475878237NC · 16/10/2021 11:08

Where's the compromise though if he goes and you suck it up?

To me a compromise is he goes for less time or doesn't drink or does extra parenting the next day etc.

Flittingaboutagain · 16/10/2021 11:10

My partner wouldn't have even thought to commit to this before baby. You already have one child so he's not naive, just selfish.

NoParticularPattern · 16/10/2021 11:12

You’re BU to only bring it up now. If you didn’t like it you should have said when it was being planned. Surely there’s a compromise here? He can still go out but doesn’t eat absolutely wrecked- few drinks, has a nice time, comes home late but not 4am late? Would that not be ok?

Unless this is an every weekend thing with absolutely no expectation of allowing you to go out- even if you don’t want to- then you’re both as bad as each other.

SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 16/10/2021 11:14

If it's affordable for you, can you not arrange for a babysitter using sitters.co.uk for your 3 year old?
You should have raised this concern long ago. But your husband should also have realised that he's asking a lot from your to manage a 3 week old and a 3 year old. But if he doesn't, you need to articulate your needs. He obviously can't read your mind. So if you have the resources, throw money at the problem and hire a babysitter for the evening to help you out.

fitsandgiggles · 16/10/2021 11:17

My husband went out the week my second was born, it was fine it's nerve wracking being left alone for the first time but we managed just fine and I just made sure even with a hangover he pulled his weight the next day haha! Your probably still hormonal and tired

GatoradeMeBitch · 16/10/2021 11:37

you've seemingly known about this planned night out for weeks

Maybe she's had more pressing things on her mind? Her child is three weeks old. Can we connect the dots?

Goldi321 · 16/10/2021 12:27

Your baby is 3 weeks old! He has time to go out and be billy big bollocks when everything is more settled but for now he has a child and has to step up to supporting it. I can’t believe he hasn’t even thought that this might be a bad idea, so selfish.

RiverSkater · 16/10/2021 12:38

Your DH should have bailed on the night out himself. He knows it. 🙄

Who knowingly goes out drinking and comes home in the early drunk knowing their wife is with their three week old baby and unsettled 3 year old?

Yes it's one night but unnecessary, once baby is settling he can go out.

Selfish git.

kayde12 · 16/10/2021 12:39

I think your being unfair and unreasonable. It’s one night, surely he will be back in the early hours and then move forward with the day with the children.

Quartz2208 · 16/10/2021 12:58

But it isnt just the one night Kayde12 - she has said he will recover tomorrow morning from a heavy night and then work 12-6 having been at work all day today and then is planning the same thing next week!

Flittingaboutagain · 16/10/2021 12:58

Some people have low standards OP. I'm not a cool wife either. No need to blame hormones for wanting equal parenting at three weeks.

NorthSouthcatlady · 16/10/2021 13:28

He’s unreasonable. I don’t think he wants his life change but he’s more than happy for yours to change. Like l say to my fiancé -if it’s good for the goose, it is good for the gander. I bet your husband would be fuming if you went out 2 weekends running, then wanted a lie in and recovery time for your hangover