Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DH and newborn

68 replies

spotdot · 16/10/2021 09:26

I wasn't feeling brave enough for AIBU.
My DH and I have a 3 year old and a 3 week old. I am formula feeding and we are sharing the overnight wakings, with me doing the majority, DH does 1, or possibly 2 on a bad night. 3 year old has been unsettled recently and also waking through the night looking for comfort.

DH has plans to go out with friends tonight and the plans have been made for several weeks, before baby was born. It will be a late night with him not returning until the small hours and he will be drunk. I said to him last night that I didn't think it was very fair of him to leave me to do all care for everyone while baby is still so small. I also said that I wouldn't do it to him, which is true - I wouldn't go out for a night of drinking with friends probably for several more weeks/months.

He was clearly unhappy that I was bringing this up and has decided, with a massive attitude, not to go. He is is terrible form this morning and clearly angry at me. He is away to work and is still of the mind that he is not going tonight. I would rather he go than be home in a crap mood.

Am I wrong? Is it ok for him to go? My post partum head can't tell if I was being silly or not.

OP posts:

Pebbledashery · 16/10/2021 13:37

I think if he was a lazy good for nothing and didn't do much I'd be royally pissed off.. But you've known about this night out for weeks and could've expressed your discontent earlier, it's unfair to have put it on him 24 hours beforehand. He's dammed if he does or doesn't. I would be ok with it with the caveat he does the majority of the childcare the next day, hungover or not. You're being a tad sensitive.. Just be straight with him, have your night out but you're primary carer the next day!

lovebeingmum9 · 16/10/2021 13:45

Hi op its hard work having a 3yr old and 3wk old who are both up in the night,I feel for you but it won't be like that forever.....hopefully they will both soon settle so you can get some much needed sleep! I think hubby should go out and "wet the babies head" so to speak,unreasonable if he comes back paralytic and sick etc but if its just for a couple of drinks.....men can also have post natal depression and mental health after a birth too,and gives you a chance to go out with your friends or family when your upto it 😊

ImFree2doasiwant · 16/10/2021 14:40

You're getting a hard time from some OP. You've got a 3 week old and toddler. 3 weeks ffs. Yes in an ideal world you'd have mentioned it earlier, but good god yanbu for bring it up now

I agree with the pp who said he knows he should cancel and is just being an arse.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 3 year olds Babies & sleep Families

NeonTetras · 16/10/2021 15:54

YANBU He is a selfish asshole prick! The baby is ONLY 3 weeks old! And you say he already has a second one lined up!? He certainly didn't learn from the first time and has no remorse. I would nip the second one in the bud as well. Say until baby is 6 months old. And he gets grumpy because he figures (correctly) that if he acts so miserable you will cave in. I don't care how grumpy he would be with me, I would not cave in. What he is doing is not fair to you at all, and you are disrespecting yourself by letting him get away with it. Like fuck would he line up a second time, without me throwing a bag at him and telling him to get the fuck out! You are too soft, you are debasing yourself and you are setting a rod for your own back - you are setting a precedent and allowing him to just go out so regularly - at THREE WEEKS!!! - and get pissed, when he has a THREE WEEK OLD NEWBORN and a wife, AND another child to care for. Have some respect, put your foot down and so no at least til the baby is 6 months. He is treating you like shit, and you need to nip this in the bud right now. And ignore his grumpy/angry moods, don't allow him to manipulate you into backing down via that guilt trip. Throw the selfish prick out if he is so brassed necked and so selfish enough to have the cheek to get angry. You deserve so much better, at 3 weeks post partum, he really is taking the piss and treating you so badly.

Kite22 · 16/10/2021 16:07

I agree with most.
You knew about this night for ages, so, to ask him not to go at the 11th hour was unfair.
Personally I think I would have been happy for him to go anyway.
But then, my dh would be perfectly capable of going out with friends and not getting 'rip roaringly drunk'. He would also facilitate / encourage me to go out, or have a lie in, or sleep in the day time or whatever which would balance things out.

It isn't quite so simple as "should a husband go out when the baby is 3 weeks old"

RevolvingPivot · 16/10/2021 16:12

Can't really comment as my DH was in Afghanistan when through pregnancy the birth and after so I had to do it all myself. If DH went out he would be useless all the next day too.

Quartz2208 · 16/10/2021 16:13

Yes I think that is key. A few drinks a nice night out - perfectly capable to help a little bit in the morning before work. Acknowledge that you have it tough and then say I will take some slack to balance out.

Not go out get very drunk spend morning recovering then work rinse and repeat next week

NerrSnerr · 16/10/2021 16:21

I would be ok with my husband doing this but I would make sure I have time to myself too (I wouldn't have wanted a night out when youngest was 3 weeks but maybe a couple of afternoons off).

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 16/10/2021 16:25

Why does the OP have to decide and police this?

Her dh knows that both toddler and baby are up in the night. That is dw is only three weeks post partum, and still recovering for the birth. That he will be out at night, recovering the next morning, and then going to work. Effectively he will be leaving her to deal with everything for two days.

He is extremely selfish. Going is selfish. Making her say no is selfish. Making her feel bad about that is selfish.

Hopefully it is a moment in his/your life op. But a moment that should make him feel shame.

BingBongToTheMoon · 16/10/2021 16:30

@MrsAmaretto

Can’t he go out but not get rip roaringly drunk?

I really understand that it is hard and you want the support but how long is he going out for? Until 2am? Surely you can do everything that night and then handover to him at 7am to do the toddler, baby etc then?

He can’t be expecting to go out and get wasted and then stay in bed until 2/3pm cause he has a young child already, and that sort of selfish behaviour doesn’t cut it when you have young kids?

He’s going to work tomorrow.

@spotdot will he befit to work tomorrow if he comes home late & drunk?

Notajogger · 16/10/2021 16:39

@CanIPleaseHaveOne

Why does the OP have to decide and police this?

He is extremely selfish. Going is selfish. Making her say no is selfish. Making her feel bad about that is selfish.

Hopefully it is a moment in his/your life op. But a moment that should make him feel shame.

I came on to say exactly this. He should never have agreed to it in the first place, leaving you in this position.

Bloodybridget · 16/10/2021 16:45

It was thoughtless of him to plan a boozy night out when he knew he would have a new baby. You would have been more sensible to point this out when he first announced it, but I don't think you're being unfair to him to ask him not to go now. Disappointed, poor lamb , awww! He's a grown man and should stop sulking.

toomuchlaundry · 16/10/2021 16:46

Maybe the OP is nw looking at 2 weekends on the trot that he is doing this. Maybe she didn't know he would then be working on the Sunday as well, weeks ago.

What time will he be coming home? Will he be potentially drunk when going to work? Would he be happy if you did the same?

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 16/10/2021 17:55

It’s not just the night out though, is it? It’s probably an all day hangover in bed the next day too.

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 16/10/2021 17:57

Sorry, missed the work bit. I’d say he can go and then you can get a night off at a later date.

Pea22ches · 16/10/2021 18:02

I can see your point OP maybe your worried about being alone with both kids?

If its just a one off I would let him go tbh. Just make it clear you will not be chasing after him if he incurrs a hangover the next day.

Pea22ches · 16/10/2021 18:03

@NerrSnerr

I would be ok with my husband doing this but I would make sure I have time to myself too (I wouldn't have wanted a night out when youngest was 3 weeks but maybe a couple of afternoons off).

This.

Nahhh · 16/10/2021 18:04

He knows he was in the wrong wanting to go, that’s why he’s so mad about it

Flip

1 2 3