When does the OW stop being the OW?

[Worldwide2]

Hello all

Due to a couple of other threads regarding affairs with married men and men creating second family's with the 'ow'. It has got me thinking when does everything get forgotten and forgiven? As in when does the OW stop being referred to as the OW and is accepted as exes wife/girlfriend. Is it normal to get over such betrayal and move on without feeling bitter or is hard to not harbour a feeling of resentment for a long time towards them?
When you hear someone being referred to as the OW after a number of years you kind of thing ok let go now it's time to move on but is it so simple actually?
I'm not condoning affairs at all but I do know of people who were desperately unhappy with their then spouse had affairs and are now very happy with the other person. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy or not when it comes off the back of someone else's happiness? I'd like to hear other peoples thoughts on this without it turning into a bun fight of course.

Also this isn't just affairs between married men and women it goes for married women too.

[TalkedTooMuchStayedTooLong]

My ex married the OW almost immediately and they now have a baby. I've never met the women but do judge her for taking up with an older man at work who obviously was married with 3 kids. I judge him more harshly though.

However, for the sake of the children, I maintain a polite distance when dealing with or discussing them, so they are unaware of any resentment. As they get older though, they are making there own judgments based on the way they are treated/ tiny amount of time they spend with their father and even less with her... they have said they don't really consider her a "step-mum" and sadly, one of mine has said they don't consider the new baby to be a sibling. They certainly won't have much of a relationship with the OW and baby as they tend to see them only 2/3 times a year at the most.

[placemats]

The 'cheaters' could of course go on to have a very happy life together, living in blissful happiness because they do have one thing in common and that frisson will be the glue that keeps them together. They care little about what others think.

[Smashingspinster]

If Prince Charles and Camilla are anything to go by it takes quite a few years and the death of the cheated on partner.

[TalkedTooMuchStayedTooLong]

Slightly outing, but when I became aware of her existence my friends and family referred OW as " Little Miss New Boobs" but we don't do that any more, and tend just to refer to her by name...

I'm glad to be shot of the ex, and am much happier without him ( safe for feeling sad for my kids) so I can't say I hold a lot of resentment for her on my own behalf...

[Namechangeapologies]

"If Prince Charles and Camilla are anything to go by it takes quite a few years and the death of the cheated on partner."

I think Charles and Camilla are a perfect example for this debate of the fact that the passing of the years might make the "OW" more accepted in the eyes of others but it does not stop these two from continuing to be selfish idiots even to the present day (and no, I was not and am not a big fan of Diana....)

[IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves]

They will always be the ow/om in the context of the relationship that ended because the partner was having an affair with them.
I think forgive and forget is a bit naive but in time people generally just accept the affair partner is the current partner but I don't think they ever stop being thought of as ow/om to the person whose partner fucked off with them

[Laiste]

I know it's not the proper point of the thread, but i'd like to point out that it's good to bare in mind that unless you're close to the situation and know for sure, then things may not be as nice and simple as he/she cheated with him/her and so they're a cunt and that's that.

My XH told his family complete lies about me and our relationship when i left him.

To this day (16 years later) i'm public enemy no.1 in their minds, a cheating whore who XH caught out. Oh and who then stopped him seeing his kids.

That's what he told them. It's not true.

Just don't assume what you think you know about people is the gospel truth.

[TheFairPrincess]

I don't have experience of this as my parents are/were together (dad has passed away now) and I am with my partner and father of my children and he is my first partner.

But, I imagine that some of the only times people truly grieve in life are when someone dies or when a relationship ends. And grief tends to stay with you.

How far someone chooses to take that is obviously subjective, but I imagine many people may always feel a sting or sense of loss. And when children are involved I'm sure it's ten fold.

[placemats]

I've been invited to a ten year post marriage, marriage renewal vows with a couple who met each other whilst still married. And to be honest, whilst I understood why they got together, I just can't be bothered to attend. Yes it was nice to have an invite, but I haven't had a person to person conversation with them for three years.

[FinallyHere]

people who were desperately unhappy with their then spouse had affairs and are now very happy with the other person.

No one made them start the affair before they disentangled themselves from any earlier relationship.

I think it's a terrible start to a new relationship if you try and run things in parallel. It spoils all those lovely getting to know you and their friends/family and sets you up for failure.

In fact, I don't think I know anyone who started up in parallel and then stayed together. Typically they lasted a short while and split up again.

My vote goes to finishing one relationship before the next one starts.

If he says ' my wife doesn't understand me / we are living as brother and sister, etc. ', ask to hear this message direct from the existing partner. Then you will know what you are getting into.

As an impressionable teenager, I used to think it was impossibly romantic to be with someone who 'wasn't free', now as an adult I think it's just a little pathetic.

Just so unnecessary. Reminiscent of changing boats mid stream, bound to lead to upset. Finish one, start the next. Simples.

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

my wife doesn't understand me

The real problem, of course, is always that his wife understands him far too well 😉

[Nojobforoldmums]

My thinking behind "OW until replaced" is not the inevitability of it, but that unless there is a subsequent OW then you may well live with the label until you die or the relationship otherwise ends. The man ofcourse will always be a cheater.

[Namechangeapologies]

There feels to be a great hypocrisy by OW who go on to marry and have children with someone's spouse in the way they can totally blank and ignore what it must feel like to wave off your own children to spend regular time with a person who broke up a family.

Does the OW ever think how would I feel if this new baby I have had with my husband (the cheating ex spouse) had to be shipped off to spend time with another adult who broke up my family?
If the OW never thinks that, then that is quite a skill at mental compartmentalising right there.

[Djifunrsn]

It can be life long. I know a man who left for OW. 30 years and 3 more kids later, the original 2 kids (adults) utterly despise the OW. Due to the fact that their dad stopped living with them and started living with the OW when they were little but old enough to understand daddy living elsewhere.

The thing is, OP, you refer to a family where the split happened when the kid was 2 and therefore she's been able to adapt and get along with her SM, but her mum hasn't been able to get over it. Don't underestimate the trauma involved. Would you tell someone to get over a sexual assault that took place 20 years ago? The kind of trauma when your family (and entire life basically) is smashed up by the person you trust most, your h, when you have a little kid and are feeling vulnerable is also not something that people always get over.

[ExConstance]

When I married DH he was friendly with two of his old school friends, and their wives. The two couples became our closest friends, (let's call them Will and Jane and Paul and Liz, but were part of a wider social group we were in, and still are. We were quite shocked to come home from holiday one year to find Will and Liz waiting for us at our house to tell us that they were now a couple and would be setting up home in Will and Jane's old house, buying Jane out. It rocked out social group, everyone tried to be civilised but it was hard. This year it is 30 years on. None of us can really imagine Will and Liz being with anyone other than each other. Paul met and married a really strong, funny woman a bit older than him and Jane found a new career but did not remarry. The past is now water under the bridge and although Will and Paul are not as close as they were they get on well and join the group for drinks at Christmas etc.
I think for us when it became clear everyone was happier with their new lives and the "old " couples were not best matched the new arrangements were accepted all round.

[fashionSOS]

Never. If you're the OW - or, as can be the case, the other man - that's a label you have to wear for the rest of your life.

Even if no one is bitter anymore, all is forgiven, and the relationship has long outlasted the one you broke up, you'll always be someone who chose to start a relationship by hurting other people. You can't erase your history, only come to terms with it.

If you're not hot on labels, don't start a relationship with someone who isn't yet free to start one!

[starfishmummy]

I think it depends on how close you are to the "wronged" partner. BIL (DH's brother) started bringing his OW to family events, it was awkward at first but as we got to know her both DH and I preferred her to the ex wife!!

[Namechangeapologies]

"My vote goes to finishing one relationship before the next one starts."

Sadly I think the above is fleetingly rare. I am going to make a generalisation and may be shot down for it - but once a man has been married (save for say a situation where the wife was abusive or something) i would bet it is extremely rare for him to leave that first marriage without someone in the wings.
And by "in the wings" I would argue that being "in the wings" is already cheating because leaving a marriage is a big thing so you would have to be pretty confident about that person " in the wings" i.e. there is already a parallel relationship going on.

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

...I'd like to point out that it's good to bare in mind that unless you're close to the situation and know for sure, then things may not be as nice and simple as he/she cheated with him/her and so they're a cunt and that's that.

Absolutely. I have a friend who left his wife for another woman (and for a damn good reason, to go by the way his wife treated him). Ex wife is full of bile and hatred, even to the point of telling lies about him (which I know first-hand are lies, it's not just hearsay and assumption).

As for 'the other woman' she's a perfectly nice person and we've become friends as it turns out we work in the same area. If you listened to the ex wife, however, you'd get a very different impression of her. To me 'the other woman' has never been so; she's just X's new partner.

You're a long time dead and it would be great if one relationship fully ended before another began. But sometimes meeting the right person can be what makes you realise you're with the wrong one.

[placemats]

I'm going to be controversial as well and say that those who leave their partners for someone else love the drama and will always expect drama to drive their relationship. It becomes wearisome after a while. I just can't be bothered anymore to support it.

[Mxflamingnoravera]

I was cheated on by my partner and my best friend. She was married, I was not but thought having my partner's child was the same committment and treated it as such (stupid and naive I know). Our children played together that's how they got together.

This was 24 years ago the kids were 3 at the time. When I found out I chucked him out and they moved in together and she was pregnant within weeks (We had been trying for another baby at the time).
I was devastated, they never, ever acknowledged what they had done to me or their children.

But I have gone on to live a very happy and fullfilled life, I have managed shared parenting and was able to have half the week where I was not tied to the house and children which I discovered I rather enjoyed.

I still destest them both and would not piss on either of them if they were on fire. I am not consumed with bitterness, I rarely think about them, but I will never forget or forgive. I still manage to live perfectly well and this idea of being consumed with bitterness is a load of bollocks. I can hate someone and still have a great life where, unless she oozes into somewhere where I feel safe and comfortable, (it has happened) it does not affect me. This idea of bitterness eating us up is nonense, hating them is perfectly natural, they destroyed trust and their smug "we did it for love" is no excuse, they did not even know each other but went crashing into a relationship and later, marriage and now have two very unhappy daughters who both have mental health problems because of the circumstances in which they were conceived and born. The two children who were thrust together into a "blended family" (liquidised more like), hated the girls who they saw as the product of their parents behaviour and the reason they were no longer able to live with both their natural parents.

She and he will always be the other woman/man to me and her ex husband. I call her my son's current wife (but not to my son obviously). But consumed with bitterness, nah, totally disinterested until a thread like this crops up.

[Justtobeclear]

I think it’s very simplistic to say people should just move on. When an affair happens the repercussions of that on the person being lied to are huge. It destroys trust and faith and that can linger through to new relationships. In my case I still hold resentment because I had children with my exh through ivf and he knew i’d never go through it again but persisted then left me when dc were less than a year old. Then told anyone who would listen how bad our marriage had been. He completely rewrote history to justify it. She lied to me when I wanted answers then started posting pictures of them together less than a week after I found out and was trying to navigate housing and work with a baby. I don’t refer to her as the other woman but I do hold some resentment because of the effect it had on me and my children and I’m going to honest I don’t think that will ever go.

[Getawaywithit]

I am many, many years post being cheated on and the OW lasted about 18 months. I am not sure I would have ever accepted her in my children's lives largely because she was an incredibly unpleasant person and very bitter about the fact my ex was a lying dirtbag and the realisation she'd fallen for the script hook, line and sinker. I was just pregnant when he walked - would have loved to hear him explain that one to her.

But sometimes meeting the right person can be what makes you realise you're with the wrong one

That doesn't justify an affair, does it? You can still walk away from the relationship before starting a new one. It's a particularly unpleasant trait, I think, that people suggest that the end justifies the means. There are real people in these situations who's lives are literally blown apart. Why don't they matter?

[Namechangeapologies]

I agree placemats

[JustLyra]

I think a lot depends on the circumstances in the beginning.

I have two relatives whose marriages started with affairs. One was married, both unhappily, no children, both had very separate lives and when she met the OM her husband was more "well one of us was bound too". They sorted everything fairly and kindly and are both much happier. No-one thinks of him as the OM, just her new husband.

Whereas another one absolutely blindsided her husband with an affair with someone very senior at work. They were horrific to the husband, repeatedly attempted to screw him over in the divorce, played nasty with access to the children, also repeatedly pulled nasty stunts with the kids (OM bought one of the children a Playstation just before Christmas once because 'if you have the cash why wait' when it was what their father had saved to buy them) and just generally been horrible. It's been 15+ years and to everyone they're still viewed negatively for their affair and behaviour.