When does the OW stop being the OW?

[Worldwide2]

Hello all

Due to a couple of other threads regarding affairs with married men and men creating second family's with the 'ow'. It has got me thinking when does everything get forgotten and forgiven? As in when does the OW stop being referred to as the OW and is accepted as exes wife/girlfriend. Is it normal to get over such betrayal and move on without feeling bitter or is hard to not harbour a feeling of resentment for a long time towards them?
When you hear someone being referred to as the OW after a number of years you kind of thing ok let go now it's time to move on but is it so simple actually?
I'm not condoning affairs at all but I do know of people who were desperately unhappy with their then spouse had affairs and are now very happy with the other person. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy or not when it comes off the back of someone else's happiness? I'd like to hear other peoples thoughts on this without it turning into a bun fight of course.

Also this isn't just affairs between married men and women it goes for married women too.

[Roguehair]

@Franklyfrost

The whole OW thing is bull. First off, it’s the man who is married and betrays his wife. Secondly, DW might have been an awful person and DH desperately unhappy. Sure, having an affair is a bad thing to do but that doesn’t mean that DW wasn’t an unreasonable monster. People like a scapegoat.

Take it you were the OW?

[AryaStarkWolf]

My dads wife is still the OW to me 17 years later...............

[TrufflesAndToast]

To me they would always be the OW and the bloke would always be the cheater. That doesn’t mean I would be torn up with bitterness or not moving on, it’s just a fact. That will always be how the relationship started, they will always be bad people to be capable of that and the passage of time wouldn’t change those facts in any way. A relationship that starts by in such vile circumstances will always be tainted and nothing to be in any way happy about in my view. As an outsider I would just assume it was a relationship riddled with infidelity anyway so I wouldn’t respect it like other relationships. Because as Rachel’s mum in Friends says ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’

[AryaStarkWolf]

@Worldwide2

My friends dad had an affair and left her mum when she was 2 for another woman who he is now still with. My friend has a great relationship with her stepmum because she was too young to remember any hurt but her mum never moved on with anyone and still has deep hatred for her ex and his wife. It's been over 30 years. I just feel sad that she's wasted her life being resentful rather than letting go and moving on, enjoying life you know?

You can move on and enjoy life but still see your exes partner as the OW

[Roguehair]

@mam0918 The difference is that your parents were divorced. There wasn’t any cheating involved. The cheating is the issue. It affects the whole family

[TrufflesAndToast]

@Franklyfrost I agree with you that the married person is mainly at fault but the OW is also dirt. If anything I might feel sorry for her because no one with standards or options gets together with a married man but largely I would just think eeeeeew.

[Footprintsonthemoon1]

I'm a believer that karma is an instant thing. So if you're a cheat, you're a cheat for life. If you're "the other woman" karma says that you always will be

[starrynight21]

I was the OW, and my husband was the OM. We left our spouses to be together.

I do think that it's easy to put labels on people , but every situation is different. We've been happily married for 19 years , and our adult children and ex spouses are all very friendly and accepting of our relationship. My kids have children and they call him Grandad , it's never been an issue . Of course there were hurt feelings at first, but with the passing of time and a lot of goodwill, the dust settled and we all got on with life. Both our ex partners moved on which probably helped.

The suggestion that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is nonsense in our case. Neither of us had ever been with anyone but our former spouses, and since we've been together we've been devoted to one another . You can't just put a label on someone and think that you're right - life is a lot more complicated that these trite sayings.

[Onyernelly]

The ow is always the ow. It doesn’t matter how many posters come on to say otherwise.
The ow is universally disliked and the cheating man is regarded in the same way.

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

If you're unhappy, have the courage to break up. Then start looking around

This is fine in theory, but isn't the real world. Lots of marriages bump along, not really happy, but not unhappy enough to leave for the sake of leaving, until they hit a rock in the road. This might be an attraction to someone else, leading to infidelity, but can also be serious illness, a bereavement, redundancy. Something happens that makes one partner feel that staying married isn't worth the price. But another equally mundane marriage, might never hit one of those big rocks at a time when the marriage is vulnerable, so they continue. It isn't realistic to expect that all the people in a 'just about OK' marriage will leave, and it would break up many families that survive because no one hits a big rock.

This isn't how all affairs happen of course. In some cases, one partner - usually the man -was never committed to fidelity in the first place and was always looking over the wife's shoulder for someone else. In those cases, I totally get the ongoing bitterness.

[TrufflesAndToast]

@starrynight21 that all sounds lovely but anyone who is capable of cheating on their spouse, the parent of their children, is a special kind of nasty in my book. To be able to lie to their face, kiss and have sex with someone else and then come home and pretend to be normal…you have to be almost psychopathic to be capable of that kind of that behaviour, it’s abhorrent. Even if neither of you have cheated yet, you’ve both proven your capable of something that no decent person is, so I genuinely don’t understand how there can be 100% trust.

[PermanentTemporary]

When the hurt partner moves on or has a new partner themselves.

[lilmishap]

This will be because their mothers never stopped going on about it

BULLSHIT!!

My mates mum was fucking lovely about the OW in front of her kids after the initial shock, she's still hated nearly 30 years later and mates mum has been dead for Ten. They've never really forgiven their dad either.

An affair blows apart the kids lives as well, you don't get to lay it all at Mums feet.

[jillandhersprite]

There's no single answer - so much depends on the situation and people's behaviour and consideration.
Yes sometimes people can move on and all is good.
But if a wronged wife and mother, or child is being treated poorly by the husband and other woman then its not fair to expect them to just move on. I suspect that in many cases where they haven't moved on there has been no recognition of the poor behaviour, apology, fair financial settlement. They can only be expected to move on if those things have happened and we know from mumsnet that its rare for all those things to happen...

[Sunshineandflipflops]

For me, it was when my ex husband dumped the OW in favour of another woman. That woman will no doubt be the OW to the first OW though...

[Carboncheque]

An uncle of mine left his wife for the other woman when his oldest child was 8. His oldest child is now 38 and that ‘other woman’ has been his wife for over 25 years. She’s stil the other woman.

[Onyernelly]

It’s also not the case in my experience that the innocent spouses dislike the cheating spouse and the ow because they’re bitter.

I have supported friends through this several times over the years and one thing that is consistent is that the ow and the cheaters are awful human beings who have behaved in terribly destructive and hurtful ways.
Lying - sneaking - gas lighting - why would anyone like someone who treats them so shabbily?

Fuck everyone who says get over it. I say remember exactly who they are.

[bridepanic]

Totally agree with people saying the phrase "once a cheat, always a cheat" is trite. Of course true in some circumstances (look at our PM! ) but people and situations are so much more complicated than a phrase like that considers. Just look at all the people who say their spouse would never, ever cheat and then they find out they have - people change, or have lapses of judgement, or are struck by an exceptional situation no one would ever have foreseen. The idea that any relationship that starts with an affair automatically leads to more cheating is just silly, and not often correct.

[placemats]

@Worldwide2

So even 10 years down the line you think the resentment will always be there?

It depends. It could be with the children of that marriage who were past the childhood stage with memories of a family.

I think then there'll always be resentment.

[someofusdontknowwhy]

It's a myth that the OW always gets replaced. I understand why people cling to it though

[tootootaataa]

I think if it affects you personally, then they will least be the OW to you

[Carboncheque]

In my case it’s the (blood) uncle who’s an awful human being. I’m sure his second wife is pleasant enough but I already had an aunt I loved and no one wanted the uncle around given how he’d behaved.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

@Onyernelly

The ow is always the ow. It doesn’t matter how many posters come on to say otherwise.
The ow is universally disliked and the cheating man is regarded in the same way.

No, they're not universally disliked. How ridiculous it is to grab a hackneyed term like 'OW' and keep blethering on about it? The other affair partner then, the spouse - what do we keep calling him? The 'cheat'?

Even when the other spouse decides to make a go of their marriage?

It's posts like yours that really illustrate the lack of thinking about what terms really mean but, you're oblivious and that's your entitlement so, crack on.

I will continue to think that people do shitty things but we don't have to hold them to account forever and a day - not least because it's utterly pointless.

[Worldwide2]

@AryaStarkWolf That was my point my friends mum didn't move on and enjoy life she wallowed in her bitterness always bringing it up. My friend had a great relationship with her dad and stepmum and her mum was very nasty about it 30 years later and going strong.
But I understand you mean you can see someone as the OW forever and still get on with your life. It doesn't always mean your bitter its just that's how you will always see her as the OW.

[Helspopje]

My m-I-l still calls the ‘ow’ the ‘ow’
F-I-l has been married to her for 45+ years