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Original poster

My daughters bloody dad, what can I do here?

57 replies

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 08:19

My 4yo dd has contact with her dad every second weekend.

He sometimes has her for an extra day or 2 as well if his work schedule allows.

He lives quite a few miles away and I do all the drop offs and pick ups, I send extra clothes and get handed a bag of washing back every time, he pays very minimal CM, he's not the greatest, but he's not the worst.

My problem is that dd occasionally wets the bed, it was occasional, maybe once a fortnight or so if she had a really hectic day. She usually wakes up and goes to the toilet at around 11pm then back to bed and it's fine.

She did it at his house once and since then he puts her in a nappy at night. This means that when she comes back here she is wetting the bed for days afterwards again, even if I get her up earlier to go to the toilet, she still pees later. She is at his for 2 nights but wets the bed for 6 or 7 nights when she gets back, then is dry for a few nights until she's back at her dad's and repeat.

I've told him to stop it even said if it's an issue of washing I'll drop off extra bedding and take it back if she wets the bed. He said that it was only once he put her in one and he has stopped doing it. This is a total lie because dd is really upset at being put in a nappy, and is very vocal about it.

What can I do about this? Is there anything?

Dd loves her dad so I don't want to stop contact, I don't think he has a washing machine, do I buy him one?

I'm at a total loss here. Is it just one of those things that I have to get on with?

OP posts:
PanicBuyingSprouts · 07/10/2021 08:22

Dd loves her dad so I don't want to stop contact, I don't think he has a washing machine, do I buy him one?

Is there not a laundrette near to him? Ours is open 24 hours.

Original poster
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 08:28

There's a laundrette at the end of his road, about a minutes walk from his house.

Its open 9-6 and he either works a morning shift or an afternoon shift so he would have time to go, I don't know why he can't/doesn't.

OP posts:
x2boys · 07/10/2021 08:30

Could he not use those disposable sheets you can put on the bed.

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4 year olds Families Potty training
Original poster
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 08:31

I've given him 2 waterproof sheets for her bed. I'm not sure if he uses them or not. Probably not if she is in nappies at his. Its so frustrating.

OP posts:
elephantfan · 07/10/2021 08:31

He is just lazy. I don't know what you can do about that.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 07/10/2021 08:32

There's a laundrette at the end of his road, about a minutes walk from his house.

Its open 9-6 and he either works a morning shift or an afternoon shift so he would have time to go, I don't know why he can't/doesn't

Not sure why you're thinking of buying him a washer then.

Original poster
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 08:34

You're exactly right, it is sheer laziness on his part.

He knows it's wrong because he denies it, but its me that's having to deal with the consequences of his laziness.

OP posts:
Original poster
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 08:38

Not sure why you're thinking of buying him a washer then.

I just can't think of any other way I can get him to stop it it tbh.

It impacts me greatly, I have a physical disability and its a real struggle for me to have to get my dc up and mange to bath her every morning and strip her bed, and hang her duvet and sheets up every morning.

OP posts:
Ozanj · 07/10/2021 08:40

Seems like she gets no value in staying with him. Stop the overnights until he’s ready to do pick ups / drop offs / laundry

elephantfan · 07/10/2021 08:43

Why are you doing all the travelling? Would he even bother if you stopped doing it?

snowballer · 07/10/2021 08:47

Nothing useful to add except I'm sorry you have a such a deadbeat as your daughter's dad to deal with.

It's unbelievable that society seems to accept fully grown men behaving like this. Imagine it in reverse - him delivering you clothes, taking them away and washing them, offering to wash bedsheets, offering to buy you a washing machine because you can't be bothered to go to a launderette?! It's so depressing that you have to put up with this shit, you're already single parenting a child, and somehow you now have to be a part time parent to an adult man as well.

Thanks
JuneOsborne · 07/10/2021 08:50

Your dd will soon refuse a nappy.

In the meantime, I'd email him and say that the nighttime nappy is not the solution, and it's harming DDS progress towards being fully dry at night, that it's not in her best interests and continuing to do it is showing his inability to out DD first.

And keep on with that message. He has to put DDS needs first.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 07/10/2021 08:52

Seems like she gets no value in staying with him. Stop the overnights until he’s ready to do pick ups / drop offs / laundry

I was just going to say pretty much the same. I don't think I'd stop contact but the overnights don't seem to be working for her or you.

Do you have a Child Arrangements Order in place?

If not, I'd be offering something like Sundays 9am to 5pm abs tell him that it's because she's finding having to wear nappies degrading.

Mamamamasaurus · 07/10/2021 09:05
  1. Do NOT buy him a bloody washing machine. He's lazy already, what makes you think he'd use it?
  1. Stop doing all the running around - he's got you right where you're doing all the work and he gets to play Disney dad
  1. Stop her going - he's harming her development by putting her in nappies. I'd be tempted to possibly give him one chance then stop contact. He's the only person nappies help and it's not fair on your DD
  1. I hope you're claiming via CMS, you say he pays minimal CM but if you're not claiming through CMS he may be paying you incorrectly.
Original poster
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 09:06

Pre covid he was doing pick ups and drop offs on public transport, he refuses to go on public transport now due to covid and him being a carer.

We split when dd was a baby because he was useless. I had to go to work when she was 6 weeks old because he refused to get a job, I was breast feeding, doing all the nights, going to work at 6am and coming home to do all the housework and then he was complaining that I was always tired and not up for sex with him so I kicked him out.

This is probably just an extention of that.

We don't have an order in place, he didn't want set contact with dd initially, went to a solicitor (he got a certain amount of legal aid) to get me to agree to sporadic contact, I said it was set contact or nothing at all, which he initially said no to. His solicitor then accidently sent me an email meant for him telling him to wisen up and that a court wouldn't agree to contact on his terms, he then begrudgingly agreed.

Thank you all, I think I will suggest day visits only, he lives about a 50 minute round trip by car which is a pain, I think it's about an hour each way by bus, dd will be upset, she does love him, but she doesn't like the nappy situation. He's still going to deny it and kick off but I can't see what other solution there is.

Useless manchild, and I know I seem like/actually am enabling him but I'm trying to be the best mum I can be to dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 09:09

I am claiming through CMS, he pays the minimum literally to the penny, its £137.87 a month, and he doesn't even round up the pennies. Quite pathetic really.

OP posts:
Goldi321 · 07/10/2021 09:17

It’s cruel for your daughter to be put back into nappies at her age for a very common childhood problem just because he doesn’t want to clean up after her. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with the consequences of this for days afterwards. I would be telling him this and stopping overnights if he doesn’t buck his ideas up. It’s not fair to your DD to be so confused like this.

flowersmakeitbetter · 07/10/2021 09:23

I hate to say it but it sounds you are enabling this. You are also making much more work for yourself than is necessary.

Stick to a day visit every couple of weeks.

ittakes2 · 07/10/2021 09:25

Buy her some pull up pants? These from modibody are for periods but they are for 24hrs so they might work? I bought this size for a girl who was 10 (started periods early) but was still wearing size 4 girls knickers as she is very thinned hipped and they fitted her. Modibody let you buy one and return it for a full refund if they don't suit so worth a try?
www.modibodi.co.uk/collections/red-maxi-24hrs-absorbency/products/hipster-boyshort-sunflowers-moderate-heavy-absorbency

ittakes2 · 07/10/2021 09:25

You could sell them as big girl pants...

girlmom21 · 07/10/2021 09:26

As well as stopping overnights, stop facilitating picks ups and drop offs. You should be doing half each. If he can't make the effort to pick her up he doesn't get to see her.

Theunamedcat · 07/10/2021 09:26

Day visits only he cannot put her in a nappy for his convenience ffs

Bimblybomeyelash · 07/10/2021 09:32

I get that this is part of a bigger picture, but I don’t see this issue of putting a 4 year old that wets the bed in night time nappies? My kids never wet the bed because I didn’t take them out of nappies until they were dry at night. For one that was at age 3 (almost 4) and the other was 2. But lots of kids are still
In night time pants at 4. I know of kids that were still in night time nappies at 6.

Longdistance · 07/10/2021 09:35

I’ve just bind in to say that the overnights should stop. He clearly is not only being lazy, he’s holding her back by putting her in a nappy.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/10/2021 09:42

Agree with those saying stop the overnight till she is reliably dry.