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Original poster

My daughters bloody dad, what can I do here?

57 replies

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 08:19

My 4yo dd has contact with her dad every second weekend.

He sometimes has her for an extra day or 2 as well if his work schedule allows.

He lives quite a few miles away and I do all the drop offs and pick ups, I send extra clothes and get handed a bag of washing back every time, he pays very minimal CM, he's not the greatest, but he's not the worst.

My problem is that dd occasionally wets the bed, it was occasional, maybe once a fortnight or so if she had a really hectic day. She usually wakes up and goes to the toilet at around 11pm then back to bed and it's fine.

She did it at his house once and since then he puts her in a nappy at night. This means that when she comes back here she is wetting the bed for days afterwards again, even if I get her up earlier to go to the toilet, she still pees later. She is at his for 2 nights but wets the bed for 6 or 7 nights when she gets back, then is dry for a few nights until she's back at her dad's and repeat.

I've told him to stop it even said if it's an issue of washing I'll drop off extra bedding and take it back if she wets the bed. He said that it was only once he put her in one and he has stopped doing it. This is a total lie because dd is really upset at being put in a nappy, and is very vocal about it.

What can I do about this? Is there anything?

Dd loves her dad so I don't want to stop contact, I don't think he has a washing machine, do I buy him one?

I'm at a total loss here. Is it just one of those things that I have to get on with?

OP posts:
MadamMalkin · 07/10/2021 09:43

Could he have her until bedtime, then drop her back to yours, and pick her up the next morning if needs be? Just until she's dry through the night?

My ex did this, was putting 2-3 yo ds in nappies on his day because he was too lazy to deal with toilet training and accidents, setting back any progress he'd made with me.

BrilloPaddy · 07/10/2021 09:47

I think you're a truly decent person to be going to such effort to keep him in your DD's life.

But he doesn't sound worthy of that effort, to be honest. You're just enabling his laziness.

Smashingspinster · 07/10/2021 09:59

Although she loves him, he is just going to keep doing stuff that disappoints and harms her. I would stop running around after him, if he sees her he has to make the effort. Better for contact to decrease now rather than later when she is more aware of what a screw up he is.

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Original poster
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 10:05

I totally agree that I'm enabling his laziness, I do it for dds sake, she can make up her own mind when she is older. I do it for her sake, not for his.

The bus from his takes around an hour to get to my house, so if he were to do pick ups and drop offs and I stop overnights that would be 2 hours on the bus in one day. If he even got on the bus in the first place because he's paranoid about covid and his job, which I get.

Dd is usually reliably dry at night, if she has had a very hectic day then she has the odd accident. She hates wearing a nappy and she doesn't really need one for the odd accident. It's only after she has been at her dad's that she has a problem because he puts her in a nappy. She has been mainly dry at nights for around 2 years.

She is a really tiny 4 year old, still in age 2-3 clothes so I don't think those pants would fit her, but thank you.

I've messaged him and said that dd told me he had her in a nappy again and that she has peed the bed the last few nights so I think stopping overnights for now would be a good idea. See what he says I guess....

OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 07/10/2021 10:06

Use his laziness against him, make her available for contact but he has to pick her up. Stop sending clothes with her so that he has to go and buy some and keep them clean.

Tell him that iff he keeps putting her in a nappy you’ll stop overnights and he can take you to court and explain why he is harming her.

Original poster
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 10:10

@Smashingspinster

Although she loves him, he is just going to keep doing stuff that disappoints and harms her. I would stop running around after him, if he sees her he has to make the effort. Better for contact to decrease now rather than later when she is more aware of what a screw up he is.
I have older dc and was with their dad for a long time, when we split he literally abandoned our dc, posting photos of family days out with his girlfriends kids, once he had contact, he hadn't seen them for best part of a year and told them he had to head off early to look after his girlfriends kids, got the wrong name on a birthday card, made promises of Xmas presents that never materialised, got a house that isn't big enough for my dc to even visit let alone stay in... the list goes on and on, they are completely nc with him now.

I wanted better for my dd so that's why I've been trying so hard Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 10:14

Use his laziness against him, make her available for contact but he has to pick her up. Stop sending clothes with her so that he has to go and buy some and keep them clean.

The reason I started sending clothes was because he took her back home on a bus for an hour, with 15 minute walk at either side of the journey in a tshirt and tights with a little raincoat, he had kept her cosy jacket I sent her in, she was bloody freezing.

He went through a phase of keeping all the decent fitting weather appropriate clothes I sent her in and swapping them for ill fitting crap clothes and it was costing me a fortune to replace, it was just easier for me to send clean clothes and have him send them back dirty, but at least I got them back.

I'm making a real mess of this aren't I Sad

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 07/10/2021 10:18

I'd stop overnights. He can take her out for the day and he can make his own way to collect her and drop her off. Or you could meet in a neutral place for collection and drop off. Given your dd has said she doesn't want to wear a nappy, I would not have your dd humiliated by this lazy excuse for a father anymore.

LST · 07/10/2021 10:21

My DS1 is 9 and has only recently stopped wearing a pull up at night. Nothing wrong with it if they aren't reliable at night. Surely she doesn't like getting woken up all wet?

There are obviously other issues with her dad though.

Kerzehmet · 07/10/2021 10:30

You're not making a mess of it OP. I understand why you 'enable' (for want of a better word). I was the same with my DC's dad, sometimes it's easier to grit your teeth and deal with their shitty uselessness knowing it's best for your kids. I used to send my child with a bag of clean clothes and get them back dirty, every fucking weekend, because I knew what they had fitted and was good quality and looked nice. And also because he paid maintenance and therefore apparently didn't need to provide anything else. I remember once my child's crocs broke on holiday with my ex, and my ex refused to replace them because he paid me maintenance so I was responsible or shoes. Or he'd buy a specific item of clothing for an activity he chose to do with my child, and then take it out of the monthly maintenance.

Anyway. You're doing a good job and for all the right reasons.

Original poster
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 10:33

My eldest was in nappies until he was 4, there's nothing wrong with wearing nappies if they aren't reliably dry and they feel comfortable with it. I'm not saying all kids should be out of nappies by X age, they are all different. However, she wet the bed at his house once and it turns out he has put a nappy on her every visit, which is impacting her here, plus she hates it, and she really doesn't need nappies every night for occasionally wetting the bed.

I'm truly not being rude about kids wetting the bed at any age, but my dd doesn't need a nappy, it's detrimental for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 10:37

@Kerzehmet

You're not making a mess of it OP. I understand why you 'enable' (for want of a better word). I was the same with my DC's dad, sometimes it's easier to grit your teeth and deal with their shitty uselessness knowing it's best for your kids. I used to send my child with a bag of clean clothes and get them back dirty, every fucking weekend, because I knew what they had fitted and was good quality and looked nice. And also because he paid maintenance and therefore apparently didn't need to provide anything else. I remember once my child's crocs broke on holiday with my ex, and my ex refused to replace them because he paid me maintenance so I was responsible or shoes. Or he'd buy a specific item of clothing for an activity he chose to do with my child, and then take it out of the monthly maintenance.

Anyway. You're doing a good job and for all the right reasons.

Thank you, that's exactly it, I'm trying to do my best for my dd, it's a real shame that he isn't quite as passionate about it as I am. The alternative is her questioning why her dad doesn't bother and why she isn't good enough, which has really impacted my older dcs in a very negative way. I don't want my dd to feel like that, and I'm doing all I can (probably too much) to prevent her heart getting broken like my older kids have.
OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 07/10/2021 10:39

You aren’t making a mess of it, and sorry if it came over that way; but if he’s not able to put her first maybe you’re better off letting contact fizzle out. There’s no right answer though - he sounds like a complete waste of oxygen.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 07/10/2021 10:40

You being such an enabler is setting dd up for one massive fall. When she is old enough to clock on what a useless git he is and you have helped create this ideal df for her....sack him off.

He is upsetting your dd.

Nappies indeed.
Lazy twat.

Smashingspinster · 07/10/2021 10:54

@ABCeasyasdohrayme - yes, I can see why you are doing this and I take my hat off to you. I just think that at some point you will not be able to offset his behaviour and she will have to deal with that.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 07/10/2021 19:55

Has he replied yet @ABCeasyasdohrayme?

Original poster
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 20:05

@PanicBuyingSprouts

Has he replied yet *@ABCeasyasdohrayme*?
He certainly did and I'm furious.

I wrote about 3 paragraphs about how the nappy thing was detrimental and I feel that it would be better for day visits only at this point, asked if he would like to also pick her up once a week from nursery and take her somewhere for tea so he isn't losing too much time with her and there wouldn't be too long between visits, and was generally stupidly apologietic-- about it and said we could revisit in 3 or 4 months again and see.

His reply? 👍

Absolute bell end. She isn't due there until next weekend now so I'm thinking that I won't contact him and maybe just leave it for him to chase up. Does that sound fair? I'm finding it hard to act in dds best interests because he's made me so angry, so a neutral pov would be a massive help.

OP posts:
PanicBuyingSprouts · 07/10/2021 20:09

It's easy for me to comment, it's not my DD and I've not been in this position. I would keep the texts though, just in case you ever want to show her in the future.

Definitely sleep on it as well.

Then one day early next week send a very short and unapologetic text asking which day he'd like to come and take DD out.

You'll probably want to show her that you tried.

Original poster
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 20:19

Thank you, I'm definitely going to sleep on it for a night or two and try and make a rational decision when I'm not so angry.

I want to try for her sake, but I cant give 95% all the time for him to sweep in with his shitty 5% and take all the credit for how amazing she is. It's exhausting.

Thumbs up indeed 😡😡😂

OP posts:
thenewduchessofhastings · 07/10/2021 20:21

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

There's a laundrette at the end of his road, about a minutes walk from his house.

Its open 9-6 and he either works a morning shift or an afternoon shift so he would have time to go, I don't know why he can't/doesn't.

Well how does he wash his own clothes etc?
Original poster
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 07/10/2021 20:29

I have no idea at all. We are on a civil basis, say a few words at handover and the occasional message about things he needs to be aware of, other than that we don't talk. I only know he doesn't have a washing machine because dd told me then I asked him about it.

OP posts:
mineofuselessinformation · 07/10/2021 20:34

So take it that the thumbs up tells you he agrees with you?
He's shot himself in the foot there, because now you can claim full CMS from him (give him a couple of weeks to see if he changes his mind about overnights, but in the meantime screenshot all of the messages).
Maybe in the long run it would be better for your DD not to stay overnight with him.

Orangejuicemarathoner · 07/10/2021 20:37

I dont see the issue with the nappies.

Why would it make her wet the bed at your house? I really dont think it would

Brollywasntneededafterall · 07/10/2021 20:51

Df sends the message dd can use a nappy.Dd goes home and doesn't get up for the loo thinking she doesn't have to and wees the bed... Messing with her own toileting habits is disgusting.. What a cretin.

Takemetothe90s · 07/10/2021 21:00

@ittakes2

You could sell them as big girl pants...
Why the fuck should she? The kids 4 she doesn’t need anything other than normal knickers and her dickhead father out of her life.