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Original poster

I feel terrible for how I’ve dealt with my daughters tantrums.

63 replies

PortobelloRoad2 · 03/10/2021 07:10

My daughter is 5 years old and recently, her tantrums have become a huge problem. She will just scream and scream and it can be over the smallest thing. She has a want for control over every tiny aspect of her life and it has been so difficult to manage.

I am feeling terrible because I have been asking her to go to her room, when things have escalated past a certain level. The trouble is, she will refuse. The screaming is so loud that i tell her she needs to go to her room because the screaming is hurting everyone’s ears.

She will then refuse to go, so at that point, I have been carrying her to her bedroom. She has been hitting and kicking at this point so it’s been really distressing for her and for all of us.

I have done this a handful of times and, although once in her room she will calm down, I feel like I’ve done the wrong thing as a parent and caused her more distress.

I put her in her room as a last resort because everything else hadn’t worked but I feel like I’ve failed her and I just hope that this hasn’t had a lasting negative impact on her. Sad

OP posts:
ThirdElephant · 03/10/2021 07:12

She'll be fine, don't worry. Screaming tantrums is a bit much at five though. What have you tried to deal with them? Have you identified a root cause?

Twickerhun · 03/10/2021 07:19

Ah I don’t think you've done the wrong thing or harmed her. Sometimes you need to take drastic measures if your child has lost it to get them somewhere calm. You also can’t negotiate with a tantruming child. I don’t have any other advice but it sounds rough.

makelovenotpetrol · 03/10/2021 07:20

I was contemplating writing pretty much the same post yesterday. So whilst I don't have any good ideas... You're not the only one!!!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Families
MitheringMytryl · 03/10/2021 07:20

Why do you feel bad for putting her in her room? You've said it calms her down.

lnsufficientFuns · 03/10/2021 07:21

What? Nothing wrong with that.

I used to walk away from mine if they kicked off in a public place - sobered them up in seconds every single time.

A lot of the time it’s merely performance art!

mayblossominapril · 03/10/2021 07:21

I think you’re doing the right thing putting her in her room. My only suggestion is to try and do it calmly (not easy I know)

Suitcaseseverywhere · 03/10/2021 07:24

What do you think is wrong with putting her in her room?

Original poster
PortobelloRoad2 · 03/10/2021 07:24

Thanks for the replies. I feel bad because I feel like I’m causing her to hit and kick. I’m distressing her more by picking her up and taking her upstairs and then I feel guilt for leaving her on her own when she’s clearly so distressed.

I know I’m doing it for the right reasons and I know maybe having that time alone is giving her the space she might need. I just feel guilt for her being so upset and wish I could somehow prevent it reaching that stage.

@ThirdElephant we have recently relocated so I think it’s a regression because of that. Unfortunately, it’s not something I can fix for her. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
PortobelloRoad2 · 03/10/2021 07:29

@makelovenotpetrol sorry you’re dealing with the same thing. It’s so tough!

OP posts:
Phineyj · 03/10/2021 07:31

Would it help to reframe things that it's not about you, it's about keeping her safe? My DD had similar issues at that age. As she is now diagnosed with various SEN, I now know for sure it wasn't us (even if we no doubt did the wrong thing at times), but at the time we just had to contain the situation however we could.

The screaming is communication and if what she's 'saying' is that she's overwhelmed, putting her in a quiet safe place makes sense.

The problem of course is once they get too big to simply pick.up or they hurt you, but hopefully you're just having a developmental stage.

I moved house several times during primary years and it was always miserable for a while.

121Sarah121 · 03/10/2021 07:34

Look at the therapeutic parenting, co-regulation, self regulation and Dan Hughes’s PACE parenting. Might give you confidence in what you are doing.

My son is 6 and has significant trauma which means he dysregulates frequently (has tantrums). I used to carry him kicking and screaming to his room (safe space) but now he goes when asked and we can carry out some techniques for co and more recently self regulation (play, listen to music, dance, favourite books all help).

lannistunut · 03/10/2021 07:35

@PortobelloRoad2

She may calm down faster if you can be with her and offer good ways to express these big and upsetting emotions.

5 is very young to be put on their own when struggling.

She sounds very upset?

Rainbowheart1 · 03/10/2021 07:35

I understand what your saying and I’m the same, I would question if it was right to cause more distress and her retailing bu kicking and punching then it all carrying on.

That’s not what I would do as a parent as that’s not the way I parent so would feel bad about it. I know many people who do do that though and they are comfortable to do it so no problem, if your not comfortable then don’t do it, there’s nothing wrong either way.

Personally I wouldn’t even get to that stage, if she is causing a problem and stress, I’m not going to stress my set out in getting her up stairs.

She is 5 so should be able to communicate with you, before the screaming starts or as it’s starting ask her what the problem is, and give her time to answer, my daughter sometimes feel she has to tell me in 2 seconds flat and gets stressed she can’t get her words out quick enough so I have to reassure her that there is no rush, I’m listening, she can take her time.

Maybe try tactics, if you want her to tidy the toys, 5 minutes before hand ask her “Do you want to tidy your toys away now or would you like a drink first?” They always go for the drink, get her a drink and say good girl now let’s get these toys away, can you pick up that red train and put it in the box?.

Giving them options to do things you want done has a better result I find as takes the stress level WAY down and I’m all for that, the less stress the better as parenting is hard enough!

Cloudyzebra · 03/10/2021 07:37

It sounds to me like you are giving her what she needs when she is too overwhelmed to do it herself. I really don't think you should be beating yourself up for putting her in a quiet safe space. It is not like you are locking her in a cellar.

rattlemehearties · 03/10/2021 07:39

Sounds like a good solution, you're taking her to a quiet calm space.

Do you stay with her/nearby though?

ThirdElephant · 03/10/2021 07:39

There's a great book called, 'How to talk so little kids would listen' that talks about how to prevent and react to meltdowns. I highly suggest you have a read (or a listen, it's on audible too).

sHREDDIES19 · 03/10/2021 07:43

To offer perhaps some reassurance each and every child is different so ‘unusual’ behaviour for some is totally normal for others. My youngest is five and still has outbursts with tantrums (screaming, tears, drama) and she will be sent to calm down in her room as a last resort. The frequency is waning as she gets older.

Rainbowheart1 · 03/10/2021 07:43

Do you put her in the room then leave her alone or shut the door, or do you stay with her?

I wouldn’t want to be put to my room and left if I’m upset. The world is different for 5 year olds, not being able to express or explain these huge emotions on top is frustrating I imagine. The world falls apart for them over little things that may be nothing to us, they don’t understand yet the bigger things that are in the world, making her problem insignificant to us, but massive to them.

Original poster
PortobelloRoad2 · 03/10/2021 07:44

If I’m honest, I’ve left her in there so that I can have a moment to myself, having just been hit and kicked all the way up the stairs. I’ve been upset and have wanted to show her that I am calm so after putting her in her room, I have then had a minute to regroup. I know that might be wrong of me, but I’ve just felt quite overwhelmed too.

OP posts:
arield · 03/10/2021 07:44

@ThirdElephant

There's a great book called, 'How to talk so little kids would listen' that talks about how to prevent and react to meltdowns. I highly suggest you have a read (or a listen, it's on audible too).
This book is total shite
Original poster
PortobelloRoad2 · 03/10/2021 07:46

And I have closed the door, simply because my eldest is getting upset because of the noise of the screaming.

Like I said, this has all been a last resort, when all other methods of helping her have failed.

OP posts:
rattlemehearties · 03/10/2021 07:49

Oh it's okay to regroup after being kicked! But she's still young so not leaving her alone too long and popping your head round the door and telling her you are there when she is calm and needs a cuddle seems a good move

Original poster
PortobelloRoad2 · 03/10/2021 07:50

Yes, I have always come back in as soon as she has stopped screaming. We have then had a cuddle and a little chat about how she can deal with these feelings in better ways.

OP posts:
ThirdElephant · 03/10/2021 07:52

This book is total shite

I really disagree. I've read a few parenting books and TBH they all have the same key messages and points, but that was the easiest read for me and made the most sense. The techniques in there are backed by research and, no, they're not an easy magic bullet but I've seen a huge improvement with my daughter. Nothing in life that's worth having comes easily and it does take work but the results speak for themselves.

myheartskippedabeat · 03/10/2021 07:52

I could have written this my dd is nearly 6 and has awful meltdowns
We've recently had a close family bereavement which has brought this on but it's awful while it's happening

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