I feel terrible for how I’ve dealt with my daughters tantrums.

[PortobelloRoad2]

My daughter is 5 years old and recently, her tantrums have become a huge problem. She will just scream and scream and it can be over the smallest thing. She has a want for control over every tiny aspect of her life and it has been so difficult to manage.

I am feeling terrible because I have been asking her to go to her room, when things have escalated past a certain level. The trouble is, she will refuse. The screaming is so loud that i tell her she needs to go to her room because the screaming is hurting everyone’s ears.

She will then refuse to go, so at that point, I have been carrying her to her bedroom. She has been hitting and kicking at this point so it’s been really distressing for her and for all of us.

I have done this a handful of times and, although once in her room she will calm down, I feel like I’ve done the wrong thing as a parent and caused her more distress.

I put her in her room as a last resort because everything else hadn’t worked but I feel like I’ve failed her and I just hope that this hasn’t had a lasting negative impact on her.

Argh obviously I mean Phillipa Perry!

I don't think some of the posters here have ever experienced a true meltdown of a tantrum before (lucky them). There are times you can help your child manage their emotions as things are happening and times you can't. An epic scale tantrum is not one of those times.

Being clear about what is going to happen in a calm manner - 'I'm going to step away for 5 mins until you've calmed down' and staying true to that, providing cuddles and talking through emotions once things are less heated is helping them through it. Sometimes people need space to break the loop.

'How to talk' is a good book but it was no help with my DD because she doesn't generally know she's having feelings or why she's having them. She certainly wouldn't have been able to discuss them verbally at 5. She's nearly 9 and after a lot of therapy, she can sometimes. If you're getting hit and kicked (in our case also spat at, pets aggressed and items smashed) it's fine to remove them or remove yourself temporarily. Didn't really work for us as DD would pursue us round the house...

The Explosive Child is more helpful in some cases. At least it acknowledges how shit you feel as a parent!

I don't think DD can even hear us at these times tbh. Look up 'amygdala hijack'.

Having a place down stairs might be easier as save you carrying her. So maybe a pop up tent in the corner of your living room with some teddies and books where she could go to calm down. Sometimes it helps to intervene earlier so she doesn't get to the screaming stage so a little time in the tent if you feel it's about to come on. Did she just start school as tiredness is a big contributory factor to tantrums and starting school is exhausting. Might be obvious but having a good snack and time to wind down maybe with a favourite cartoon straight after school might help.

@Cam2020

I don't think some of the posters here have ever experienced a true meltdown of a tantrum before (lucky them). There are times you can help your child manage their emotions as things are happening and times you can't. An epic scale tantrum is not one of those times.

Being clear about what is going to happen in a calm manner - 'I'm going to step away for 5 mins until you've calmed down' and staying true to that, providing cuddles and talking through emotions once things are less heated is helping them through it. Sometimes people need space to break the loop.

One of the points is that you see the meltdown coming and work to avoid it. Late for lunchtime and likely to be hungry? Don't insist they tidy their toys right now. Disappointed or unhappy and expressing that? Don't lecture. Most meltdowns can be avoided if you firstly check the hierarchy of needs- hunger, thirst etc. and if you respond appropriately to their negative feelings or the initial problem before it escalates.

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen (different book to How to Talk so Kids will listen, and by different authors) does actually say that you can't and shouldn't attempt to reason with a child who is actively distressed- you've got to wait until they're calm. However, if it's a pattern of behaviour it's definitely worth looking at the triggers and what's going wrong.

You say she wants to have control over the smallest things. That stems from anxiety. I don't think it's being probably done on purpose. I would focus on addressing the triggers.

Let the small stuff go. Choice of two things where possible.

My sons have sensory issues so things like being asked to get dressed (particularly certain items) cause major stress - they wouldn't necessarily articulate that at that age. Same with food choices. They also have autistic traits and struggle with transitions. To someone outside they are brats having tantrums for no proper reason- it's really not the case. They are hugely stressed. Obviously sometimes you may have to put a child in their room - sometimes they need a safe place but I don't think it's necessarily the solution for each time they have a 'tantrum'. Not saying it's the same in your case but maybe look to see if there are any triggers.

Yes once the meltdown has begun it's too late. Emotional outbursts are generally expressions of unmet need e.g. I need help managing big feelings that have come from nowhere. Although it doesn't seem like this before you get in the habit of trying to recognise and respond to triggers, meltdowns don't usually occur in a vacuum. Ideally we'd be using a toolbox of strategies to prevent the escalation in the first place.

For what it's worth I don't think you are doing anything wrong at all. Our 3 year old DD is exactly the same when when the screaming starts the only thing we can do is put her in her room so she can get it out of her system and we can have some room to breathe. We always keep her door open and say that when she calms down she can come find us and we will have kisses and cuddles and say sorry.
Sometimes simhe has been so bad I have had to literally drag her into her room, now THAT isn't great 😳 she is a master of the "rigid body plank" as soon as you try to pick her up.

No I wouldn't. Sit down next to her and just be very calm and quiet and wait for it to pass. You need to show her YOU can contain the feelings that she cannot and not push her away and make her feel unsafe. Like others said you need to think about if she is hungry, angry, lonely or tired and plan ahead to help her. The consequences may well because of not reading her signs and she is learning that she gets attention for totally acting out. You need to reduce the temperature and not increase it by isolating her. That won't help her to self soothe.

Praise her verbally for being calm and calming down in situations where she can often kick off.

It's really hard isn't it? My dd used to have unbelievable tantrums...my DH once was coming home from work and said he could hear her screaming down the road as he walked back from the station . God knows what my neighbours thought! My dd would be much worse if I put her in her room. I remember she once had a huge tantrum in the street after school...i looked at her and said "you're tired aren't you". She burst into tears, started crying and said "I'm so tired mum" and clung onto me . From them on I described her tantrums to her as tiredness which was basically code for frustration but easier for her to understand. It actually helped a bit

One of the points is that you see the meltdown coming and work to avoid it. Late for lunchtime and likely to be hungry? Don't insist they tidy their toys right now. Disappointed or unhappy and expressing that? Don't lecture. Most meltdowns can be avoided if you firstly check the hierarchy of needs- hunger, thirst etc. and if you respond appropriately to their negative feelings or the initial problem before it escalates.

Definitely appreciate this and I and also try to implement that, but sometimes it's unavoidable - especially in certain situations where they want to do something that is not safe or appropriate. It's definitely worth looking at patterns, trying to tackle the root cause, de-escelation before the tantrum takes hold but on occasion (thankfully not very often in my case), certain personality types just blow up.