If your partner has a ‘big’ or high profile job, how easy has it been to maintain your career.

[OompaLumpaLabrador]

We have 2 late primary aged DC. And a dog. Live rurally, a little out of London. I work freelance in a professional role. I love my job and am not at all ready to slow down, but have always worked flexibly around school holidays etc.

DH has been approached about a new role. It’s a huge step up professionally. Pay is much more, but we are fine financially now. The role is a high profile leadership role which is just what he needs at this stage. DH does quite a bit at home now, and life feels very busy. We are very supportive of each other.

If you have a partner with a job like this, how easy has it been to keep a meaningful career going? What are the factors we need to think about? What helps or causes a problem? Any thoughts welcomed as this is a really big chance, potentially for both of us.

We both have full time full on careers
I don’t factor his career on,I’m driven I do my own thing I do not feel i need to consider or accommodate his career

Essentially if there’s a problem we are fortunate enough that we can throw money at it

Practicalities to make it work
Nursery FT from 6mth
Summer club with pick up/drop off transport
Batch cook and freeze in portion
We plan in advance who will pick up if school or nursery call

I would buy in as much help as I needed so that I could keep my own career going. I'm dying to know what his job is!

Also I stick to,plans. We had a holiday planned he had a huge deal at work loomed up. Upshot was me and kids went on holiday, as did my dp who worked throughout. Me and the kids we did our thing maintained the holiday. With big jobs come disruption,or changed plans and he accommodates it

I have found it really hard and this is coming from a place where my DH has had the big job for years, we had DC knowing this would be the case and I scaled back my work as a result.
Now, years down the line I want to get some of me back but I feel it is at the sacrifice of my DC who would have to go into more wraparound care and holiday clubs when they are used to having me around. My DH feels none of the guilt, of course, and I am looking for a new job at the moment and feel bad about it.

I find it so limiting to be the one always on call - if the DC need us it is always me that goes. I have done every school run for 5 years and that is not set to change for about another 7 years. It does hold you back career wise.

Yes, you can throw money at the problem and we do to some extent - cleaners, food deliveries and sending out the washing and ironing but it is still me that organises it all. The mental load is real.

I would also be having the conversation about how he will contribute. My DH isn't all bad but he checked out of household chores a long time ago and it is difficult for him to change (he is trying though and now does the Ocado order on his commute 😂).

I think it actually would have been easier if I had stayed working FT after having the DC as things would have been easier to keep 50/50 and it wouldn't now be me "choosing" to put the DC in childcare instead of being the one to take them to and from school.

I actively made sure I didn’t step down to prioritise dp or his job
Also I don’t let him absent himself,yes he’s got a big job but he needs to parent too. So yes he does online grocery shops, nursery /school drop off . It’s really important dp does not absent himself because we both work,we both have stress

Also I have worked straight through COVID he’s had time at home so has happily accommodated me.

Following with interest. DH going for a big promotion in the next 6 months and I'm being included in a lot of leadership programmes and talent discussions at my work which as a PT worker and parent would have been unthinkable a few years ago.

I think some very big choices are on the horizon e.g. do I drop back a bit for a few years, do we postpone his promotion application or do we up childcare etc and get a nanny etc..

Presume you have some idea where the DC will be going to secondary school and if they can get there under their own steam? I have a late primary DC and secondary age DC. I’m just about to go back into a professional career after working very part time in similar sector but a lot less pressured role for a number of years. I think once the children are at secondary, things get easier because school runs usually end, you don’t need to be there for childcare purposes as much in the holidays etc

My eldest DC has a disability so will always need some supervision/childcare but I’ve noticed both DC needing me less over the past year or so. I’m planning on wfh for the majority of my working days which will help. Also getting the DC involved with a few chores too/more responsibility for their own lunches etc helps to take all the stress off you.

I've found it very difficult.
Initially we agreed that as my career path would always pay less we would prioritize his.
I had thought this would last until dc were at school, it didn't.
It isn't helped by having to be globally mobile and me working in a field that requires registration or a license in most countries.
That said we have a lovely life as a family and have lived in some amazing places.

Most families in our position that we know only have one person with a full on career although there is a reasonable sex mix in there but there are exceptions.

DH became the CEO of a major sports organisation just before Covid hit, but like @EspressoDoubleShot, I made it plain that I would be continuing to prioritise my own career — fortunately, it never occurred to him to think otherwise, or to think that parenting is any less his role. We do have to be extremely organised in terms of diaries.

We both have big jobs. Our careers both have survived because we are partners and recognise the importance of each others job. We equally do chores, household admin. We also throw money at the situation:

Full time Nannies when little.
Now have part-time Nannies as they are at school.
Private school (small classes, any issues we can call, lots of after school clubs, good holiday club)
Cleaner
Gardener (even though we have a postage stamp garden)

Even with this we have times when it all comes crashing down, but we muddled through.

As the kids get older we are definitely reaping the returns, but at times when they were little we did think about one of us jacking it in and getting a smaller part-time hob.

@polexiaaphrodesia go for it. Up the childcare. You may have a few years when you are like “I am literally working to pay the Nanny”. I remember for 2 years we worked out we would be no better off if my DH worked in a minimum wage job evenings and weekends; however, it has worked out for the best now.

I’m interested how his opportunity is a big chance for both of you?
I have an exH with a very big job. I sacrificed my career. He continues with his big job, I am financially much worse off and (due to financial settlement) have much poorer pension provision. Do not sacrifice your career for his. He has actively chosen to be a parent as much as you have If his new role will not continue to allow him to make an equal contribution to the parent/household responsibilities I would not be supportive of him taking the role. Speaking with benefit of hindsight and from a place of bitter experience

Honestly, we've found that the more senior roles we're in (and DH is c-suite) the more flexibility we have. Particularly with DH - who is going to tell him he needs to be at his desk at 7am each day, or pull faces because he leaves at 4 occasionally to go to the school play? The flip side is needing to be available - he went into the office a few times during his paternity leave, and has been known to take work calls next to the pool on holiday. It's give and take. He's an early bird so he's more likely to get up and go in for 7.30, which means he's home in the evening to take over half the parenting.

The advantage of it all of course is the money. You can outsource a lot of house running - cleaning, gardening, laundry, plus buying in things like Gousto/HelloFresh to make life easier. Our DC are both in primary school so we have good childcare in place for us both to work, which is very important.

I didn’t keep mine going. We knew pre-children that we’d like one of us at home with them for the early years. His earning power was much greater than mine when the first came along and I wasn’t terribly career focussed so it was an easy decision for us.
Obviously, not so if you both love your work.
In the end we had a big age gap and by the time it was a practical possibility again, I loved being at home.

I agree with the flexibility increasing as the roles get more senior and Covid has hit traveling on the head currently.
I think our issues were that my career just wasn't in a high paying field so taking equal career hits just didn't make sense.
I would advise dd to hook up with someone doing similar things to herself if she wants to avoid this.
The plus point is that even if we break up I wouldn't be financially worse off ( as I would never have been a high earner even as a director) it is just the lack of satisfaction from having a motoring career I have to suck up and I like working in my field.

The Main thing is your partner needs to be that,a collaborative partner and parent. Too many of these men convince their partners to step down or back for the family and the man carries unenencumbered. Leaving the woman with no Career and domestic duties only.

I kept mine going for a long time. We had a cleaner, gardener, childcare etc. It was hard at times as my job also required travel but in general we both got home every evening and could spend a fair bit of time with the kids in the evening and at the weekend. It depends what the sacrifice will be. I know someone who took a big job in the UK when his family lived in Ireland - he travels back at weekends. That would be a sacrifice too far for me.

In the end it wasn't dh's job that held me back - it was one of my children having a really hard time in the teen years. One of us had to pull back and it was me (I would have wanted it to be me tbh). If I that hadn't happened, I could have continued juggling it all no problem. I know a lot of couples with 2 "big" jobs. it is just that if something goes wrong, then something will have to give.

What actually counts as a big job?

There is a flexibility that comes with seniority, in that there are meetings that will accommodate and start around my availability to attend. I can set my availability

Dp the same, although he’s got more flexibility than me(different fields)
He’s not had to travel because of COVID

Thank you everyone. There are some really useful things to think about on here.

Thing is, those saying there’s flexibility that comes with seniority, that’s exactly what we are enjoying at the moment. We did the tiny kids, him working sixteen hour days, nannies etc. Years ago. This would be much more of a challenge than his current senior role, at least for a while. Yes, no one would care if he goes to a nativity play or takes 3 hours for lunch, or works from France in the summer, but that also comes with an expectation of availability (and US time availability). And I can do my job freelance and still earn well and enjoy professional respect. That’s not an option for him.

I think I’m just a bit nervous that we’d be going back to those long days and pressure again, at least for a while. And I learned the first time around, there is only so much you can outsource, and that brings its own complications.

I’m sure we will find a way, and eventually make the right decision. We’ve always kept things afloat because we work well as a team and I’d hate to lose that.

Virtually Impossible for us for DH to keep his job and my preferences to family life happen. DH can be called away at an hours notice and be gone for days. Pre covid he travelled abroad at least once a month, usually for a week or longer. His standard day now (including travel) can be from 6am-10pm. We could have hired an au pair and asked grandparents for emergency care help and "made it work" but I wanted me or DH to be there as much as possible for DC and do the baby groups and be home for sick days etc. So I put my career on hold and became a SAHM. I kept up with my professional qualifications annually from home and, when DC were in full time school I began part time work. I plan to go back full time when they are all in high school. Also with DH away so much I have learned to be a 24/7 parent and feel I can do it. Its been hard but looking back I'm glad I did it.

What are we counting as a ‘big job’?

I have a "big job". I don't think it gives me a few pass not to pull my weight at home. I don't think my career has impacted on DH's tbh. We have both been able to work flexibly. He travels for work more than I do. We accommodate each other tbh.

We've both had the full-on career jobs. Both of us have worked overseas at different times. A few times we've worked away together. The key for us was to ensure that the parenting was split fairly. I do the mental load of school/birthdays. He does holidays/tax/bills. And making sure that we bought in support for cleaning/ironing/gardening so that we could still have some free time.

@Nanananani - Barrister and Surgeon.