If your partner has a ‘big’ or high profile job, how easy has it been to maintain your career.

[OompaLumpaLabrador]

We have 2 late primary aged DC. And a dog. Live rurally, a little out of London. I work freelance in a professional role. I love my job and am not at all ready to slow down, but have always worked flexibly around school holidays etc.

DH has been approached about a new role. It’s a huge step up professionally. Pay is much more, but we are fine financially now. The role is a high profile leadership role which is just what he needs at this stage. DH does quite a bit at home now, and life feels very busy. We are very supportive of each other.

If you have a partner with a job like this, how easy has it been to keep a meaningful career going? What are the factors we need to think about? What helps or causes a problem? Any thoughts welcomed as this is a really big chance, potentially for both of us.

Ok, many of them sounded much more corporate and open to interpretation

I found it very difficult but with three major differences from your situation

1. my career was also very demanding and inflexible. Working around school holidays as you do was impossible, for example

2. we hit the crunch point at a much earlier stage in life - so with much younger kids who didn’t sleep and when we were both more junior and less in control of our workload

3. one of our DC has SN

At your stage, with your flexibility, assuming fairly easy and settled DC, it should be fine

I will warn you however that you may feel lonely

We don't have kids yet, but I absolutely refused to consider TTC until he got a less demanding job.

Now he's paid more, with a flexible employer, excellent benefits, and better prospects to earn more in a few years.

I have absolutely no wish to be more than 50% of a parent.

@AlexaShutUp

I have a "big job". I don't think it gives me a few pass not to pull my weight at home. I don't think my career has impacted on DH's tbh. We have both been able to work flexibly. He travels for work more than I do. We accommodate each other tbh.

We both earn over £100k, we both pull our weight. We spend a lot on ocado, housekeeper, cleaner, gardener etc

We’ve just about managed it so far but it has been hard and I feel like we’re on a bit of a knife edge at all times. This last year by fluke it feels like our busy times have not happened in parallel. My husband has had a bit of a hideous week where I’ve had more of a lull. I can’t take on any more responsibility otherwise it would make everything break.

I agree with the pp who says that it all works until something goes wrong - in particular if one of your DC has some sort of major issue.

If things unfortunately get difficult both need to step up. Two not just one
It cannnot always be women giving things up when difficulties arose
Men wafting through careers whilst if there’s a critical event women are the parent stepping down

@EspressoDoubleShot

If things unfortunately get difficult both need to step up. Two not just one It cannnot always be women giving things up when difficulties arose Men wafting through careers whilst if there’s a critical event women are the parent stepping down

When things get difficult everyone has to step up. Dh stepped up too in our case. but there may be moments when the mental and physical health of your child requires one parent to be there all the time - or more than is compatible with a "big" job. When that happened us - and I never thought it would - we made the decision together and, frankly, call it socialisation, call it mothering, call it whatever, but I wanted to be the one there for my dd when she really needed a parent. Both of us reducing hours would not have done it - she needed more than that.

I know loads of people with two big jobs and a few kids who have sailed through. We didn't. And when you hit those troubled waters, the last thing on your mind is men wafting through careers (unless you are married to a prick). All anyone cares about is the child in question and how best you can keep the whole family afloat and happy while dealing with the trouble you are facing.

I’m simply observing there is a societal expectation & habitual theme if there a crisis,the person stepping up is usually wholly the woman. Yes many men do waft uninterrupted. I completely agree you prioritise the health emergency in your family but I’m simply saying that’s not always the mum.

We're in a slightly easier position as we don't have a dog. Otherwise, similar! Things which have made a difference:

• me being much blunter with DH about what is his responsibility and not stepping in and sorting something else out if it looks as though he's going to struggle.
• my direct line manager (male) and a number of colleagues (older female) are very supportive of me. This does make me feel that I have to always go the extra mile to ensure that they continue to think I'm excellent at my job but I'd probably do that anyway
• Covid has meant my DH has realised he can actually work from home and also means all of my meetings are still being set up with a Teams fall back so a last minute crisis isn't as serious as it was
• moving from a childminder to an after school nanny. It means the children get to have much more choice in what they do after school and also have more time at home. She also turns out to be an excellent cook and, as Friday evening is slump night for the kids, I came home to freshly cooked lasagne & chocolate brownies
• getting a gardener. I love gardening but it's nice not to have the nagging guilt when sitting in the garden of always knowing there is something to do
• moving DC to a private school. I think it was just our primary school but, by chance, none of DC2's friends ever went to childcare but always got picked up by a parent (literally ... unless they were on a play date) so he always felt different & comms with the school weren't great. Now, there's breakfast club which you can use on a last minute ad hoc basis and the DC know that they will have friends there, school basically goes on until 5pm every day and, if there's a sniff of a problem, either a teacher contact you anyway or, if you raise it, they will follow up. The other thing which makes a remarkable difference is that they will try and reunite jumpers left in the playground, PE shorts dropped out of a bag with their owner rather than add them to the lost properly pile which if, like me, you only did pick up once a week, can only be searched once a week.

On the flip side, we do have another weekend ahead of us when DH will be working for at least half a day and, having worked until 12 -14hr days every day this week plus had a 2hr commute on a couple of those, is knackered so won't want to do much more than have a nap or slump on the sofa leaving me thinking "isn't there more to life than this".

I worked with a lady in a power couple with 3 kids in my last job (think c-level at multinational and owner of a consulting firm). They outsourced everything and were moving into London, somewhere smaller but easier for work etc. It sounded busy and they would use the odd holiday for school stuff, but not that much. Im guessing they had to pick and choose what to attend.
The lady was always available at work - except weekends. I think maintaining that boundary was really important to them.

I think setting up your home life to not have much hassle is important. I lived in a fully serviced flat near shops for a few years - one payment, rent includes all bills, WiFi etc so no worrying about that. Apartments were full of family's so there was a network there. It made a ridiculous impact to the quality of mine and my daughter's life. If your house & garden is important to you (I understand it's culturally important in the UK,) then I understand but I think a lot of people don't realise what an inconvenience it can be.

The deal was when DH got his last promotion was that we would get a daily nanny:housekeeper and the minute he told me about the pay rise I was on the phone to the agency. Yes it’s expensive (and not at all essential - our DC are 14 and 10 and I mostly work from home) but it means I’ve been able to step up and keep developing my career too.
Also Ocado on demand, hello fresh mealboxes (which housekeeper cooks). Splitting school and DC admin. I’m ruthless about making DH do his share even if I could do it quicker and better myself.

I have found maintaining a career a struggle. My DHs career means that he does virtually nothing around the house although he does help with the children at weekends.

He is happy to use his earnings to pay for help and we do have a gardener and a cleaner but childcare is tricky as we have a disabled son and live rurally and I have struggled to find provision. I also find I spend a lot of time just managing the house. In the past 2 years we have been extending and renovating which has taken a lot of time to manage. We also have zero family help.

I think if you have NT children, live in an area where there is good childcare provision and have some family help for emergencies if would be much easier to manage two high profile careers. I would also recommend avoiding any building work.

I don't think we're quite as big as some here, DH is one level below c suite and I'm about three rungs down from the top in the public sector, we have one DD. I'm just looking now into getting some housekeeping help to try and keep on top of things as currently I feel like all I do is work and the washing. DH is very supportive of me maintaining my career but at the same time all the mental load falls on me as he navigates across both US and European time zones. Fortunately we currently both work from home but travel is staring again, hence getting the extra help (we already had a cleaner and gardener) I'm also pregnant and giving serious thought as to whether I take a bit of time out after mat leave but that's also partly because I'm a bit older and after 20 years in the workforce I am tired. However DH knows if that happened he'd have to make my pension contributions etc for me. Buy in as much help as you can but also don't over rely on family. My DM and MIL would happily look after DD every night after school...except when they have a hospital appointment, or the opportunity to go out or whatever. Which is fine and reasonable, but then I have to sort out the alternative. Better to put DD in after school club and use them for weekend respite care and babysitting and emergency back up. Again they'd help with some household tasks, but I'd have to always ask them. I want to pay someone to just come and do it and for me to not think about it. And be realistic about how it encroaches on holiday time. Eg were looking at two weeks next year and factoring in DH will work for three days of those. If we go for less he'll probably still have to work, but we'd all get less holiday. That sort of thing.

Thanks so much for the replies. It’s really helpful and reassuring that this can be done.

We have a 12 hour a week housekeeper. She died lost things in that time, but is quite a nervous lady and still looks for what to do. She’s happy to get things done if I wrote a list though and I might start doing that more.

We absolutely love our garden, it’s a real shared interest. However, I think it might help to get someone in to do the mowing/ cutting back as it’s an endless task. Even now, the garden can go from smart to shabby in what feels like two minutes.

One last thing. How do you and your partner manage to spend time together? On your own? We both love being with the kids, but a trip to the Flower Show ( grandparents stayed over, but they aren’t local) reminded me how important being together is for us. Do you book a regular sitter? Take days off together? Even now, being so busy in the week, it’s easy for weekends to become about admin, chores and fixing stuff ( the dog piled the Aga door off yesterday, FGS).

I also sacrificed my career. It just wasn't doable, DH was frequently relocated, had to be available at all hours and was constantly shattered. When it came to having children it was just impossible. I did have some income working from home, but it wasn't a career.
This would have been fine, but after years of him giving everything to this company, he was made redundant. Financially we would have been better off if I'd kept my career.

The responses here are so interesting! In my case i had the "big job" but my DP had zero flexibility at his job so I had to work around drop offs and sometimes pick ups which I just couldn't with my workload. It got to the point where one if us had to quit, we moved cities in the end so we had family support.

Not big career in £ / important sense like previous posters, but big in sense of ridiculous working hours. I struggled to maintain my career - or rather tread water for a few years. I have huge resentment which I think I successfully buried for that time, which is only coming to the fore now. Strangely Covid helped in that, the things I wanted to do were off the table for that (rather than he had no time to pick up / put to bed etc). Job change and step back for him and a chance for me to move forward now. Although I’m so tired after the last 5 years, I’ve lost motivation and energy.

It’s horses for courses really. Whether it’s manageable is down to many factors, many of which you can’t control (family support, health, child has SN).

I have friends where there are 2 high powered important jobs and I don’t know how they do it. A nanny helps. Don’t have to rush home or panic if you miss that last train you can get to pick up from nursery etc. But, the people I’m thinking of are real type A personalities. They love working and hate down time.

I’m the opposite :) so as much as i often want to be like that, I’m not.

I have the 'big' job, DH does too but in school so completely inflexible. We just have to Chuck money at things.

When my DH got head hunted for a very big job it didn't cross my mind to alter my career in any way and if it crossed his he knew better than to mention it
We did throw a lot of cash at it ,cleaner twice a week,ironing service etc

I also wonder if we need to throw more money at things. We have a gardener but not a cleaner at the moment. My husband has basically said he is not going to do anything around the house but happy to pay for that to happen. I’m worried our house is too messy with toys etc for a cleaner. What extra stuff does a housekeeper tend to do?

Mine puts on a few loads of washing and changes all the beds. She’s excellent though - and will tidy up a bit too.

@Bunnycat101 our housekeeper is here 20 hours a week. She sorts out the toys, does all the tidying as well as cleaning. Sorts out drawers and cupboards. Receives Ocado order and puts away as well as all the other deliveries - writes a list when we run out of things. Goes through kids school bags and fishes out the drink bottles and decaying food containers. The list goes on. Basically everything I would do if I wasn’t working. If I’m stuck on a call and haven’t told her what the kids are having for dinner she’ll use her initiative and put something on for them.

How much do those of you who have a housekeeper earn? I’d bloody love one but it feels like such an extravagance. Would appreciate the help to sell it to DH

Nanananani our housekeeper costs about 3% of our net income. But I’d have her at twice that because I know I couldn’t work without her. There was a time when our nanny and cleaner combined cost over half my take home pay, but again they were well worth it.