If your partner has a ‘big’ or high profile job, how easy has it been to maintain your career.

[OompaLumpaLabrador]

We have 2 late primary aged DC. And a dog. Live rurally, a little out of London. I work freelance in a professional role. I love my job and am not at all ready to slow down, but have always worked flexibly around school holidays etc.

DH has been approached about a new role. It’s a huge step up professionally. Pay is much more, but we are fine financially now. The role is a high profile leadership role which is just what he needs at this stage. DH does quite a bit at home now, and life feels very busy. We are very supportive of each other.

If you have a partner with a job like this, how easy has it been to keep a meaningful career going? What are the factors we need to think about? What helps or causes a problem? Any thoughts welcomed as this is a really big chance, potentially for both of us.

I insist on a cleaner, gardener, etc as he’s unable to do his fair share. Also expensive and long breaks abroad as he will inevitably work I’ll have to tootle about with DC on my own.

I have a house keeper 12 hours a week too.
I don’t have a dog.
Have a gardener for a small garden.
DH does most of the cooking - he’s excellent at it and very fast. I do most of the child related stuff.
I work officially 4 days which gives me a lot of flexibility across the week.
We have never had full time nannies and I worked more part time when they were little as didn’t want to put them in FT nursery.
We also have grandparents and other relatives willing and able to help and who live nearby.
House keeper also babysits in the evenings if we go out.
I do very little domestically like fold laundry or ironing.
I am an employee whereas he’s a co-owner of a business so although at a senior level I tend to take more holiday so inevitably I do more of the school holidays.

Oh also DC are in private school which helps a lot because good wrap around care and after school activities.

@Nanananani don’t want to post too much personal info but we both earn 6 figures. After all our costs, London mortgage and DC school fees we really don’t have much disposable income.

This is interesting, I always associated housekeeper as a privilege for people earning millions. Maybe it’s more normal that that, we could certainly do with it

This was us, but with 4 DC, one of whom has disabilities. My career definitely took second stage. Now DCs are all adult, DS2 in residential care, I have resumed work and feel blessed to have been given the chance to be a hands on parent & also have a second crack of the whip career-wise.

Things to take into account:

1. DH often worked during family holidays. He was there in body, but would check emails, make & take work phone calls.
2. See his earnings as the family's money, rather than his money. At first I felt guilty buying things for myself.
3. Have a cleaner. Somehow, this made me feel less resentful in the early days and now it just feels like a wonderful luxury.

cheapskatemum and everyone. That’s all helpful. Thank you.

I’m not sure I’d ever get used to DH working on family holidays. It would drive me nuts. Years ago, he had a boss who’d go on really random vacations- Alaska, Snowdonia, The Faroes. We eventually worked out his wife booked spots with no phone reception.

Money is very much family money. DH handles our investments but he puts equal amounts into each pension/ ISA and loves handing over my quarterly investment report ( because he’s a nerd…)

Cleaner we have, but I’m very much looking at a gardener, to do the legwork outside.

Cleaner and also nanny if necessary. I advise you don't give up your job, even if you go part time, as you will be deskilled if you want to return, and what would you do for work if your DH ran off with someone else? It does happen.

I’m not sure what counts as a big job but my DH earned 200k when he retired. I found it impossible, my DH travelled a lot and my DS has severe epilepsy. Maybe I gave up too easy.
I did notice as he got more senior his hours actually got less, it was the crazy years when he was building his career and the DC were young the were the most difficult.

That’s funny about the random vacations!

Personally I don’t have a problem with the odd phone call on holiday (for either of us) - if it keeps things ticking over and means less stress on return.

I think what I find difficult is when I need DH to help out because of my job.
So he earns vastly more than I do (although all money is families money for both our wages) and works full time. I work part time but in a job where I can't take any time off and is very physically demanding. So for example one of our DCs school had a half day the other week, or that we have longer holidays as they're at an Indy school, ... He is the one who has to take leave, or we pay our nanny (which is all of my wage for that day!!) To have the children.

So I just struggle with the fact that my job requires a lot more time and physical energy and he has to take leave because of me, but he earns about 10x what I do.

I don’t think you should look at it as “that’s my wage for the day”. As you say it’s family money. If you can’t take time off and DH doesn’t want to - you use the nanny. The nanny is there to cover both your working lives.

Tough - I also have a professional career and stepped down before kids. I love my job but do feel a bit “stuck” in my current role. I feel like I can’t leave because I have great flexibility (can WFH, shuffle my hours to accommodate kids stuff etc). I also suspect my boss realises this and perhaps my pay rises etc are less than they might otherwise be as they know I need the flexibility

@Snoopsnoggysnog

I don’t think you should look at it as “that’s my wage for the day”. As you say it’s family money. If you can’t take time off and DH doesn’t want to - you use the nanny. The nanny is there to cover both your working lives.

It's not that DH doesn't want to. He does whenever he can. It's just that I also have severe health problems and so in any given year I will be in hospital probably twice, so he alwsys has to keep some annual leave in reserve for things like that, or appointments. It's a bit shit really, I put a lot of pressure on him but it's not like I can help it. And then I have a job which means I can't take time off. Although this year I'm doing an ok job at covering things by swapping the days I work.

I had a cleaner once who had previously been a housekeeper. She had really enjoyed it and kept asking if she could do it for us. So if you have a nice cleaner, see what else they might be up for, with a pay rise - some are keen to organise you! (I can see why - saves so much going house to house).

I think it is easier as you are not scrabbling around for money or having to consider whether something makes financial sense. The worst place to be is senior but not top rank. Much easier to have control over your time when you are at the top of the pyramid. Middle ranking is the worst of all worlds. If your husband is hands on now there is no reason that he won't continue to be like that albeit you may need to buy in more help in places.

I think the biggest problem is when you don't have the income to buy help in. This was what scuppered us, I'd changed career so wasn't earning a good salary. Financially we were better off at the time with me staying at home, and stress wise it was healthier for both of us. Plus I just got sick of picking up and starting from scratch with every move.

We’re in an odd position where DH has the big £££ job and I earn peanuts as a pub manager. But he works from home and has flexibility while I work brutal hours (16 yesterday) and am hardly home.

He does the day to day housework, cooking and childcare (10yo, the other two are adults) and the dogs in the evenings. I do the morning school run and dogs. On my days (sometimes day) off I’ll do a bit of life admin and deep cleaning.

It’s hard but it works.

@WhatsAppening

We’re in an odd position where DH has the big £££ job and I earn peanuts as a pub manager. But he works from home and has flexibility while I work brutal hours (16 yesterday) and am hardly home.

He does the day to day housework, cooking and childcare (10yo, the other two are adults) and the dogs in the evenings. I do the morning school run and dogs. On my days (sometimes day) off I’ll do a bit of life admin and deep cleaning.

It’s hard but it works.

I don't do the same job as you but this is the situation we are in as well.

@Availableforbaking my boss definitely takes advantage of this!

DH has a big job. The way it works for us is that I've stepped back from my career financially speaking, but not in terms of intellectual stimulation if that makes sense. So I work part time (0.7 FTE - used to be 0.5 FTE when the DC were younger) in a job which isn't long hours or particularly well paid but is interesting, challenging and rewarding.

I love being there for the kids, and I don't mind working part time and earning less than I could be earning. But I would mind if I had a boring or unfulfilling job. I think I've got the best of both worlds tbh!

TumTumTree that’s us at the moment. My job is relatively well paid, but I don’t earn a huge amount as I only work about 3 days, term time only. I do love my job though. I’d absolutely hate to lose that part of my life, even though my earnings don’t really factor into everyday money ( I put 70% in my pension).

The advice is always to hold on to your career as far as possible so chucking money at it does seem the least risky option.

Never give up work to suit a career man,If he’s well paid he can Chuck money at issues
I don’t think it should automatically assumed it’ll be women stepping down, bowing out to facilitate family life