My 18 month old keeps squeezing my neck and I'm close to losing my shhh

[Hullabaloowho]

For the past 2 months my 18 month old has taken to squeezing my neck (one hand each side) with the sort of force equivalent to extracting juice from a very old lemon.

He is really strong with very good fine motor skills. I have a long, skinny neck with no fat whatsoever and I genuinely fear he may rupture an artery. It's bloody excruciating and he stares me directly in the eye and usually smiles while doing it.

I have tried so hard not to react, to ignore the behaviour etc but inevitably end up at least grimacing as it's so painful. I'm really close to just screaming at him tbh as it feels like this is going on too long to be a phase and I'm worried he'll never stop. I can deal with the irrational tantrums but this just really gets to me. I'm pretty sure he just does it out of boredom.

What oh what do I do to stop this? 😬

Well I wouldn't not react!

I think you absolutely should react. When he does it, say a firm and toddler-loud NO and put him down then ignore him for a few minutes.

Toddlers are such pains!

He's 18 months, op, you're in charge!

Just say no loudly each time, put him down, ignore for a bit.

Try not to let his hands get anywhere near your neck.

I’d go further than pains and say sociopaths

Why are you not reacting?!

You take his hands of your neck and say 'no we don't do that' rinse and repeat.

Loud no and "OW" and plonk him straight down! Every single time until he stops.
You don't want him dong similar things to animals or other small children because he hasn't made the connection between what he is doing and causing pain.

Really? What are you doing at the moment when he does this. Do you sit there waiting for him to get bored and toddle off?

Why are you not reacting ?

Yes you can ignore bad behaviour and praise the good bit not in these circumstances when he is hurting someone!

Move his hands away, say no and distract with something else.

You need to say a very firm no and put him down on the floor every time he does this.
Ignoring bad behaviour doesn’t extend to when he’s causing you physical pain! Would you ignore him doing it to another child?

@Wbeezer

Loud no and "OW" and plonk him straight down! Every single time until he stops. You don't want him dong similar things to animals or other small children because he hasn't made the connection between what he is doing and causing pain.

@Wbeezer - and the other posters who have made similar suggestions - are spot on. You need to react, and your reaction should show him that what he is doing hurts you and is not acceptable.

Is this real?

Are some parents really incapable of using the word ‘NO!’, meaning it and enforcing boundaries on a toddler?

I have tried so hard not to react, to ignore the behaviour etc but inevitably end up at least grimacing as it's so painful

Why are you trying not to react or ignore the behaviour? How is he supposed to know he's doing something wrong if you don't say anything?

I don't get this behaviour from some parents at all.

Please react. Wince or scream out in pain or say ouch!

Say stop or no or don't do that sweetie, it hurts or something.

Gently or firmly take his hand away and say 'no don't squeeze mummy's neck', each time he does it.

I mean...say or do something. That's the only way he'll know he's doing something you don't want him to do.

Unless you're trying to say he's a psychopath and you're afraid of him, then he's only a little kid and needs guidance from the very moment he starts something he shouldn't do.

”How is he supposed to know he's doing something wrong if you don't say anything?”

@HereForThis has gone to the heart of the issue here.

You immediately take his hands, move them to his sides and say a firm No.
This is something you need to come down on hard. Imagine him doing it to a fellow toddler?

If when you move his hands and say no, he puts them back then you move them again, say No and put him down and stand up.
It has to be an instant and consistent response

Surely he can’t reach your neck without your co-operation?

Say “no!” Remove his hands and set him down.

This isn’t a case of “ignore bad behaviour”. This is a case of teaching him how to interact with others. You’re not doing him any favours by allowing him to think this doesn’t hurt you and it’s ok.

I feel for you. I have an 18 month old that is currently going through the phase of chasing after us and her siblings to bite us. I understand the theory of not reacting but I can't physically do it. If it hurts, I scream. That's a natural response and for a few seconds, I don't want her near me. And I say this as a gentle/attachment theory parent.
I think a lot of it is sensory (and attention). What about saying no, you don't squeeze mummy, but you can squeeze this teddy/cushion etc.

You say no, remove his hands and remove yourself from his immediate vicinity. It's bad behaviour, imagine if he thinks he can do this to another child, he could cause some real damage!

After the first time why would you not see his hands reaching up again and you quickly reposition him and fend him off or is he some kind of ninja infant that moves like Bruce Lee?

I’ve read some ridiculous things on here but this is just bizarre!

Okay so my wording was not very careful, I absolutely do say no, I sign no (which he understands) and I use negative facial expression (usually before grimacing) but I don't raise my voice or shout. Afterwards I do remove myself from him for a minute but the issue is getting him off me in the first place. I sit on the floor while playing with him a lot which is how he has such easy access to my neck but has also done it when I need to carry him upstairs for a nappy change

Pretty much every parent I know with children my age preaches the "don't shout" mantra as children this age 'apparently' don't differentiate between good and bad attention, so giving an unwanted behaviour attention/a strong reaction is supposedly more likely to reinforce it. I'm just repeating what I've heard here (so don't shoot the messenger) and a similar approach worked successfully when he went through a biting phase a few months ago so I've had time for this approach until now but am obviously reconsidering it. I know this "approach" is definitely a mark of the sort of people I have found myself in parenting situations with, and a casualty of not being exposed to a wider variety of parenting styles through things like toddler groups etc due to the pandemic consuming my entire mat leave.

I am obviously prepared to shout at my toddler if he is about to put himself or someone else in danger and I suppose my view is that this is just really really annoying rather than an actual danger.

I think I have become so caught up in my emotions towards this behaviour (why are you being a little sh!) that I've stopped being able to rationally react in the moment so need a plan in advance like @IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves*

At that age I used to sit my son on my lap
With him facing front wards and my arms would reach round to put on his socks or footwear and one day he leant forward and then snapped his head back in a reverse kind of head butt and it bloody hurt!

I made sure it didn’t happen again?

Why are you unable to stop your child from hurting you?

@Mariell actually a lot of the time when he reaches towards me it is to give me a hug or to point at and name my eyes/nose/mouth etc. I think assuming that my toddler is forever intent on injuring me and avoiding playing at his level is pretty bizarre...

But each to their own

I have a child a similar sort of age to yours, and I don't shout - but I would sternly and slightly loudly say no and put your son down immediately, short and sharp so he understands its undesirable behaviour.

My daughter went though a hair pulling phase, and and when she pulled my hair, I loudly said 'NO' and moved her away from me straight away to create some distance between us. By using baby sign and negative facial expressions it's neither clear enough or quick enough for your son to make the connection.

When it comes to hurting other people or their own health and safety you do have to be slightly more abrasive.

Is it not just common sense that if a child develops a habit that hurts and had the capacity to be a bigger problem in future you do a short sharp no, remove and then explain why after a pause?

They don't teach you stuff like that at baby groups, it's just normal. Isn't it?

It'll be dangerous when you take him to a farm park and he picks up a chick by the neck, what would you do in that situation? Smile sweetly and sign at him before they kick you out of the place?

You don't have to shout, but you can definitely raise your voice and make it crystal clear as to how upset you are.

You need to distract that little Ted Bundy before he does it to another child with a much smaller neck!