My 18 month old keeps squeezing my neck and I'm close to losing my shhh

[Hullabaloowho]

For the past 2 months my 18 month old has taken to squeezing my neck (one hand each side) with the sort of force equivalent to extracting juice from a very old lemon.

He is really strong with very good fine motor skills. I have a long, skinny neck with no fat whatsoever and I genuinely fear he may rupture an artery. It's bloody excruciating and he stares me directly in the eye and usually smiles while doing it.

I have tried so hard not to react, to ignore the behaviour etc but inevitably end up at least grimacing as it's so painful. I'm really close to just screaming at him tbh as it feels like this is going on too long to be a phase and I'm worried he'll never stop. I can deal with the irrational tantrums but this just really gets to me. I'm pretty sure he just does it out of boredom.

What oh what do I do to stop this? 😬

@Hullabaloowho - I think you are minimising this behaviour by calling it ‘just…annoying’. For a start, it would be a lot more than ‘just annoying’ if he did it to another child. And you deserve not to be hurt by your child.

I think you have been under-reacting, and you need to ramp up your response. I would say OW, loudly, then use one hand to pull one of his hands free, then pull him away from you and plonk him firmly on the floor, with a sharp NO! - then withdraw your attention and give it to yourself - soothe your neck.

Also, try not and get caught up qoth other people's approach to parenting, we sometimes parent the way we think other people are or won't judge us for (massively guilty of this myself in the past) and it's not sustainable. You need to approach parenting in a way that works for your family and your son and his personality.

Put your hands round his, look him in the face, and say NO. Then put him down and walk away. If he does it to someone at school/nursery/playgroup, either he’ll hurt them or they will retaliate. Why would you let this go on? Never let him do it again.

I’m so sorry this has me laugh a bit! You toddler squeezes your neck and really hurts you and you…. don’t react? Why?? What’s made you think this is a good idea?

‘Ow’ and ‘No’ loudly and plop him straight down.
He needs to know he’s hurting.

I understand your reluctance to shout but truthfully you need to employ a controlled variation of it (think teacher) to get the message over if what you’re doing isn’t working.

You run the risk of him doing it to someone else (child or adult) and him getting shouted at regardless of what you’d prefer. Better you’re harsh with him than a complete stranger (who might be gunning for you too if their child gets really hurt).

Not reacting was your mistake

Some things you MUST react to and the inflicting of pain is one.

The instant he does it, firmly remove his hands from your neck, a sharp, firm but not shouted "no!" And hold his hands while you say it firmly and decisively out of harms way.

Keep repeating until he learns.

but I don't raise my voice or shout.

That suggests to me you use too passive a tone of voice for what's needed here. At his age, he doesn't fully comprehend the word meaning, we teach them that via tone of voice and body language as well as word choice.

I agree you're minimising here this has potential to be dangerous! It has to be stopped now.

Fwiw I'm a former nanny and childminder and have lots of experience with babies and toddlers.

You HAVE to develop your "head teacher voice" ASAP. It doesn't mean shouting it means speaking with authority.

YOU are the boss and he needs to know that, not just for this type of incident but for developmental reasons too.

There's a difference between between shouting at your child and using a firm voice!
The whole signing no etc isn't a quick enough reaction. (I used baby signing a lot)
You need to react, be firm, as other people have said use your 'head teacher voice' remove his hands and use facial expressions as well as those!

If he done this to someone else or another child he wouldn't be getting the whole signing and gentle no with a facial expression! He would get a scream!!

You'll be back here posting in a decade and some, broken and stuck from being bullied by him for more sweets/money/games delete as appropriate.

I've shouted at my children and would do so again in this circumstance. There is a difference between a loud 'no that hurts' (shout or raised voice if you prefer) than ranty argumentative abusive type shouting.

I read this as 18 years old and was going to reply to push him away and call the police. Now I'm chuckling at the thought of officers taking away a smiling baby.

Anyway, I have an 18 month old OP and they need to be told when its hurting, my DD understands (she went through a stage of pinching and watching my reaction) a firm no, that hurts and place them down will work eventually.

Lol

“My toddler throttles me but I don’t like to shout so…guess that’s just my life now”

Okay, I think the consensus is I do need to raise my voice. I probably have under-reacted because it has only impacted me.
For what it's worth he's never done this to anyone else at home (or at nursery) and of course I wouldn't want him to. I worried at the biting phase (also only ever targeted at me) and we managed that fine and it was brief so I've been probably too optimistic that the same approach would work here.

I'm not a passive 'give permission to everything' parent but I am keen to at least consider how I parent rather than just trust my gut reaction all the time, because I don't think our emotional reactions in heated moments are always the best. I'm pretty sure that 30 years ago a lot of people on this board would have said "just give him a bloody good smack and he won't do it again" (this was how I was parented) and look at how we view that now. We know so much more about children's brain development and emotional and mental health in general that I think it is worth questioning things that earlier generations would just assume normal.

And for those who have less than kindly called me 'ridiculous' I'm keen to know if you gave birth alone then spent the first 3 months of your child's life with no social support, unable to buy formula in the shops, and being allowed out of the house once per day with a baby who would only sleep on the move... Parenting is a journey and some of us have had more support on the way than others. A lot that was "common sense" in the past has been anything but over the past 18 months.

Don’t understand why you are expecting him to read your subtle body language. I would do a dramatic pained scream type gasp and say NO! That hurts

"Parenting is a journey and some of us have had more support on the way than others. A lot that was "common sense" in the past has been anything but over the past 18 months"

Don't be so bloody wet. The internet didn't stop, books didn't stop.

Plenty of people had babies during the last year with the same challenges and I'm sure they aren't all sitting their wringing their hands (while their child is casually wringing their neck) and trying to justify why they are allowing their child to do whatever they like by blaming the pandemic of all things.

Janet Lansbury is great for this age and in line with what you want to do but a bit more direct.

One problem with a lot of the gentle or respectful parenting etc is that there is a confusion of not shaming, not being scary etc to young children with never being direct or showing a negative traction at all and that isn't quite right.

But you can be direct and clear without being harsh, it's a really hard line to tread buti fully believe it's possible.

For me the important thing in this situation would be to make it clear that you don't want him to do that or don't like that, and I think for me that would be removing or blocking his hands or moving him completely out of reach when he wants to do it. I don't think the saying no loudly or putting him somewhere else is necessary but that's ok. I also wouldn't particularly censor my own reaction, so if it hurt or whatever I'd say ow, but not go for an over theatrical expression of pain. There are different degrees of getting the message across and they likely all achieve the same goal.

@Hullabaloowho I haven't saw anyone call you ridiculous. I'm not sure what the pandemic has to do about your child hurting you.
Yes it's been a challenge over the past 18 months for everyone. Everyone has had different challenges!
I was on maternity leave and went out for walks with my little one twice per day for my sanity! Then I had to go back to work as a nurse exposing myself and my family to covid due with crap PPE alongside the other millions of healthcare workers, emergency services, shop workers etc.

Please nip this behaviour in the bud before it escalates.

You’ve had a bloody hard time of it - I don’t envy any new parent in the last year and a half. It’s just a phase but it’s horrible when you feel you are being targeted by the little ball of crazy you pour so much love into. Can you get to playgroups now?

You can raise your voice without shouting - my children know when I’m using my ‘cross voice’ (although they don’t always heed it!).

Does he get upset when you walk away for a minute? If not, you could try something from a book called, ‘my hidden chimp’… verbalise their feelings, say the behaviour must stop and explain why. E.g. ‘you want to see what happens when you squeeze my neck, you’re curious about how it feels, but squeezing my neck STOPS because it hurts me’. And when he gets old enough, ‘we say sorry, give someone a hug when they’re hurt.’ Instantly distract with something else ‘look there’s a bird out the window! I found a blue block!’ Etc

Small children seem to be on a constant power trip - ‘if I do this, what do you do?’ And are bloody wearing at times

@Metallicalover I don't know what work environment has to do with it but I work in ICU too. I was making the point that our confidence in our own parenting is probably, at least partly, influenced by the support we get from family, friends etc especially in the early days. I wish I had gone out twice a day if not five, but at that point in time was too frightened of being blamed for killing my colleagues or of my (initially very sick) child getting covid.

I'm not afraid of boundaries and have had no trouble laying these down in other areas but the physicality of this particular behaviour I just find more challenging.

Probably less likely to ask advice on an internet forum in future though... 🙄

Thanks @BertieBotts

And also @Thidwick

I'm in danger of missing the actual advice here.

Completely agree with everything @bertiebotts about Janet Lansbury, and the advice they have given.

As you said no need to shout at an 18 month old, he doesn’t understand that he’s doing anything wrong. But you do need to make it clear you won’t allow him to hurt you.

You are going to have no end of problems as you go through this parenting journey if you are allowing a toddler to physically terrorise you

I hope this thread has made you see the absurdity of this situation and vow not to such a wet lettuce in future

I don’t think many people have advised shouting. Just a firm ‘no’, and putting him down. It has worked with all 3 of mine.
I had a baby in lockdown too OP (albeit my third), it’s tough. I sympathise.

Pretty much every parent I know with children my age preaches the "don't shout" mantra as children this age 'apparently' don't differentiate between good and bad attention, so giving an unwanted behaviour attention/a strong reaction is supposedly more likely to reinforce it.

this is faddy rubbish. Children have a very clear and deep understanding of right and wrong by this age ( providing they have been taught it). After this age is too late