My 18 month old keeps squeezing my neck and I'm close to losing my shhh

[Hullabaloowho]

For the past 2 months my 18 month old has taken to squeezing my neck (one hand each side) with the sort of force equivalent to extracting juice from a very old lemon.

He is really strong with very good fine motor skills. I have a long, skinny neck with no fat whatsoever and I genuinely fear he may rupture an artery. It's bloody excruciating and he stares me directly in the eye and usually smiles while doing it.

I have tried so hard not to react, to ignore the behaviour etc but inevitably end up at least grimacing as it's so painful. I'm really close to just screaming at him tbh as it feels like this is going on too long to be a phase and I'm worried he'll never stop. I can deal with the irrational tantrums but this just really gets to me. I'm pretty sure he just does it out of boredom.

What oh what do I do to stop this? 😬

I prefer the term 'snowflake' @AnyFucker

You can do a firm no and put him down or move away straight away. If you can anticipate when he’s going to do it, then give him something to hold or play with and distract him.

@Hullabaloowho I had my first in lockdown too. Last winter was shit! I struggled with having no baby groups etc. I, like you thought I was supposed to not react when LO pulled my hair etc as that was giving it attention. But then they started trying to claw out my eyes and I had to intervene and start with the stern no and put them down and ignore. But it's hard if no one tells you. And there are different approaches. So I'm sorry people are being harsh to you. Pandemic mums unite and be kind.

😂😂 love it.

God forbid you should try and different approach to the traditional way our parents did.
You sound like you are doing an excellent job to me and I’m sorry that you are getting so much negativity.

Jesus people are being mean on here - it’s hard trying to forge your own parenting methods when you’ve been isolated from so many means of support for extended periods of time (baby groups, friends, family etc), and we’re bought up on ‘do as you’re told or you’ll get a smack’ without being called a wet lettuce. What is wrong with people?!

No, snowflakes melt away to nothing

Wet lettuces can firm up and make a decent contribution to a salad

Trust me my parenting journey has NOT been plain sailing! It started with a complex pregnancy and birth after which we were both kept in hospital for a few weeks. Then having her dad deployed when she was 3 months old and then he and I split before she was 2. My dd is 20 now but I raised her myself with sod all support from ANYONE!

So you can forget that attempt at manipulative nonsense!

Stop making excuses!

Yes some need help learning - that is what you've received on this thread, advice borne from knowledge and experience.

Don't snap at those trying to help you!

You'll only miss out on the excellent advice available on mn if you choose to ignore it. You'd be cutting your nose off though!

Yes there were problems in the past with aggressive parenting being acceptable, but the answer isn't excessively passive parenting...which IMO we are starting to see the negative consequences of also.

@BertieBotts totally agree with you on not censoring your own reaction - a sudden, loud ‘ow’! Is worth something.

There is a lot said about teaching children about their own emotions, and part of that is expressing ours as parents.

😂 I think there's some definite trolling going on here.

But thank you @Peaches710 @Thidwick @Dinoroaraus @BertieBotts, and others. I am going to look up Janet Lansbury as seem to have missed her amongst the (probably far too much) googling I have done.

I'm someone who is always going to question their own behaviour, and I'm fine with that.

I'm someone who is always going to question their own behaviour, and I'm fine with that. me too. And it's good to do so I think.

If you don't question you will never grow

For what it’s worth, my sons amazing Pre-school leader advised that children can’t really understand right from wrong until they reach about age 5, so until then they’re uninhibited in that respect and totally reliant on you to tell them what’s ok and what’s not

This is one article she has written:

www.janetlansbury.com/2012/09/biting-hitting-kicking-and-other-challenging-toddler-behavior/

No troll posts here that I can see, you should report any posts you feel are actual trolling, unless you think trolling means ‘they didn’t use their kind words’. I’ve noticed a load of posts recently where OP is seemingly ineffectual at day to day life, but has no issue ordering people around on their thread.

Good luck on getting your kid to stop strangling you.

and a similar approach worked successfully when he went through a biting phase a few months ago

Obviously not if he is again doing something which he will be aware hurts you.

Tell him ow, stop, that hurts. Say it, sign it or send it in smoke signals, whatever gets through to him. You don’t have to shout, but you shouldn’t remain neutral. Children learn through facial clues, body language as well as spoken word and tone. Teaching him to interpret these is important. I don’t know who on earth thought up that it is ok to not react when a child hurts you.

Good luck on getting your kid to stop strangling you.

I burst out laughing at that

Its a huge mistake not to react. How on earth is he meant to know he has done anything wrong if you don't. You need to remove his hands and say no in a very disapproving firm voice.

Of course he doesn’t understand that a behaviour is wrong (as if by magic). He learns to understand because you teach him! There will be many challenges ahead where the behaviour won’t be extinguished simply by ignoring it. Parenting, at some point, requires the development of a ‘Don’t mess with me’ voice, combined with the right facial expression. That voice can be lower/deeper than your usual tone, but it definitely shouldn’t be warm and accepting. Also, you may not believe me, but I doubt you will get through his entire childhood without ever shouting! Not that I’m advising shouting at an 18-month-old. I strongly agree with the other posters who have advised saying ‘no’ strongly and sternly, combined with putting him down and walking away from him. This comes from someone who was raising small children in the early 80s, successfully and with no smacking.

@Thidwick

For what it’s worth, my sons amazing Pre-school leader advised that children can’t really understand right from wrong until they reach about age 5, so until then they’re uninhibited in that respect and totally reliant on you to tell them what’s ok and what’s not

Oh dear, someone with this view is a pre school leader 😦 children aged 3/4/5 do understand that some things are wrong in the sense that they are ‘unacceptable’. The moral compass is still developing of course.

the consensus is I do need to raise my voice.

You don’t need to raise it. Tone of voice is more effective.

No, shouting is not necessary.
A firm tone, removing the hands from around your neck plus appropriate facial expression is what's needed.

@AnnieSnap that’s basically what I said - they’re reliant on an adult to teach them what’s acceptable and what’s not because they don’t yet have their own moral code.

For what it's worth OP I actually think it is refreshing to read that you have given more than a moment's thought to your child's upbringing. So many people believe lots of crap about rearing young children, autocratic, controlling parenting, treating them like an object that isn't respected or not explaining things in an age-appropriate way. Hats off to you that you have thought about how this impacts the type of teenager/adult they will become.

I don't think @AnyFucker is here to contribute anything remotely helpful to the thread...

For anyone who is astonished about why I'm questioning this - I'm learning how to be a parent. I want to raise a child who is self-confident but also totally respectful of other people's emotional and physical boundaries which is why I'm keen to understand what works and why. It feels better to me to give my child a much stronger reaction next time he does this now than to 'undo' an overly strong reaction if I had totally lost it... which I realize most people are not advocating, but is the danger of 'just reacting' in the moment. Yes @AnnieSnap I do fully expect that at some point I will totally lose my rag as a parent but I'm keen that it isn't a very frequent occurrence.

As I've already clarified as I wasnt very clear in my first post, I have been telling him 'no' (word, tone of voice, sign) which have previously been understood and still are in other circumstances before moving away afterwards. As an example, he was playing with bricks in a soft play a few weeks ago, another child became interested in the bricks and started to take them. When my son started to grab the bricks back I told him clearly 'no, there's lots of bricks here we can all play with the bricks' before starting to build a tower as distraction and the situation ended there, immediately. He is starting to understand and respond to 'no' in lots of contexts. Maybe my 'stern' voice is just better in public.

My approach is clearly NOT working with the neck grabbing issue however which is why I've questioned it. It probably started as quite gentle curiosity and exploring, and as a baby he would often pat my neck very gently. It doesn't happen every day but enough that it is an issue. I do think behaviour equals communication, but while I don't know if he is doing it because he is overwhelmed/bored/in pain due to teething/repeat ear infections/or just trying to 'push my buttons' to get a reaction, it is still not an okay way to express any of these things.

But I disagree with you @BoredZelda re. the biting. Children at this age learn through individual experiences and need repeated and consistent reinforcement. The biting was a different issue at a very different age and level of ability to understand - he was about 11 months. Do I believe I need to deal with the neck grabbing behaviour, yes, do I believe that if I do so once he'll have 'learnt his lesson' and never attempt to use a different physical behaviour or push/grab/steal someone else's toy again, absolutely not. They are learning the 'rules' and don't intuitively know what is 'good' or 'bad' behaviour or have the ability to generalise this by thinking 'oh biting is bad so I better not grab' at this age. Hence why I want to react in a way that is sustainable next time.

I think I've taken what I need to here so thanks to everyone who has provided advice and support.

I think you need to get him off you and put him down whilst also saying no.
If you do a funny face and noise, he likely enjoys the reaction as he is learning cause and effect.
Removing him from you is gentle and natural consequence