Unsupportive mother with second pregnancy.

[Me96]

When I was 18 I fell pregnant with my first child - I was young and me and his dad were in a relationship but it wasn't stable it was a shambles, my mam supported me and was over the moon. (Myself and my first borns father have now seperated).

5 years on and me and my now partner have just found out I'm pregnant (5 weeks and 2 days), I decided to tell my mam and she has never looked so disappointed, she couldn't even smile at me or say congratulations. I walked off crying being supported by my OH and we then went to his house for the night.

My mam then rang me saying she just thinks it's the wrong time as we arent settled and don't have our own place yet (we are saving), and went on saying my partner doesn't have a stable job and is in debt (he has paid all of his debts off and is working whilst at college doing electrical courses). She has been so bitter and it absolutely broke me. She will never love this grandchild like my first born and it has now made me resent my mother more than I ever thought I could.

My OH is amazing with my little boy and had a son of his own, we get on well and rarely argue, we are putting money away for our own place and we had already planned to be in our own place by the new year. What is her problem?!

Well, from your user name it seems you are younger than my DS (about 25 I imagine).

Your mum has supported you through one mistake and broken relationship. Whilst I appreciate you are disappointed in her reaction I imagine she is worried sick. Especially as with your new partner you haven't yet demonstrated you can maintain a secure and stable home.

My DC are dissimilar ages to you. Both have graduated, worked, saved and the one now doing a PhD knows full well his steady relationship with his lovely gf can't be taken a step further until he has completed his PhD and has a steady job.

I am sorry you feel your mum should be more supportive but it is early days and you and your bf still have a lot to prove.

Where are you staying now ? Are you living at home with your DM ?

Are you living with your mother?

I see her point to be honest. You’re living at home with her (presumably with your 5 year old), are in a relatively new relationship and don’t live together.

If it all goes tits up your mum will be the one left to support you and another baby.

You might be an adult but you’re not making particularly adult choices.

Honestly op it looks like history repeating its self. Your not married, you both don't live together, both have children from different relationships and he doesn't have a full time job but at college. If this relationship doesn't work out you'll be on your own with 2 dc. I'd share the same concerns as your dm. How long you been together with this man it must be that long.

Are you planning to buy or rent? Does your mum help with childcare? How will it affect your work? Are you getting married? Does your partner have a permanent contract that will provide stability?
I imagine these are some of her concerns. Hopefully you can alleviate them.

It sounds like you live at home with your mum still so I’m not surprised she is a bit concerned. Are you working?

Are you living with your mum? If so I can see why she'd be a bit disappointed. Once is a mistake that you help your child through, the same thing happening again...I'd be a bit disappointed/dismayed if it were my daughter tbh.

I'm sure she won't love her second grandchild any less but if you're living in her house then this is a big upheaval that she's had no say in so of course it'll take some time for her to process.

Your mother is scared. She is worried about her daughter and grandchild. Adding a baby to a new relationship when you are not financially prepared is risky. Her reaction isn’t out of cruelty, it’s actually because she loves you.

It does sound more like your mum is worried about the situation and you and possibly the impact on her.

Do you still live at home and how much childcare does she do?

We all make mistakes when we are young but it seems that your mum is disappointed you didn’t learn from yours.
You are 23? What’s the rush to have another baby? Wouldn’t it have been better to get your own place and save up some money before trying for a baby.

Your partner is at college and I am therefore assuming either not earning or on a apprentice wage. I am guessing he doesn’t pay towards his existing child? You haven’t lived with each other so don’t actually know ho you will get on.

Are you working or are you relying on your partner? How will you provide for the baby when you are still saving up to be able to move out of your mums and your existing child is 4/5?

Also it’s a lot of adjustment for your current child- moving, having your partner move in and you being pregnant in a short space of time. Was the baby planned?

@OurChristmasMiracle
My other half works full time aswell (not apprentice wage) as college one day a week, he pays fully for his other child thankyou very much for assuming.
I also work full time and pay my own childcare with a childminder. We have been saving for over a year and both have very reasonable jobs.
The baby was not planned until next year as the house move was going to come first yes it was unexpected but not a bad thing.

@Fairyliz I made mistakes when I was younger yes but my 5 year old child certainly isn't one of them.
I'm 23 and already have a 5 year old, we were planning on pregnancy until next year after the house move but it has happened earlier than expected (certainly not another mistake). I have money saved up and I am in no way struggling we both have good jobs and both pay our own things whilst having money to out away for our house move.

How long have you been with your partner? Are you living with your mum at the moment? Are you working?

You must be able to see why she’s concerned. You’re not in a great environment for another child right now. You can’t know she won’t love the baby as much as your older child, it’s extremely early days, let her come to terms with this news. She’s allowed to not be jumping for joy.

@Bananarama21
What a way to slate young parents? We don't live in a world where being unmarried is frowned upon now!
My partner does have a full time job, aswell as college again nice of you to also assume.
We have been together a year and a half and have known eachother longer so it's not just something new.

I understand your mother's reaction.
She loves you and your child and cares about what happens next.

She can't turn that off. She is powerless now. She supported you through the first pregnancy and now she has to stand by and watch you have another child with a man without a steady job and no home.

Where do you live? Is all of this happening under her roof?

If you are living with her then I don't think you should be having another child.

How long have you been dating your partner?

Do you live with your mother, or anywhere subsidised by a family member? If not how long have you lived independently?

Will you be able to WOH and afford childcare for two DC, should you and your partner break up?

X post on your work. Where are you living?

Me96 Op I was a young parent at 21 that relationship ended I didn't have my second until I was in a long term relationship and lived together. Your don't even live together yet your having a baby and that's without the ended bonus of blended two children. Year and half is nothing especially if you don't live together and there's additional children.

If you live with your mum (so have been subsidised by her from age 18 to now) you’re being very unreasonable to be angry with/resent her for not being happy with your current decisions.

It’s also unreasonable to say that because she’s expressed her honest views and feelings that she won’t love this grandchild as much as your DC1.

You don’t have anywhere to live at the moment and are living with your Mum by the sounds of it so yes, she does get to have an opinion on it.
Your age is irrelevant. You might have plans to get a place of your own but they are just plans right now and you have been with your partner a relatively short time.
He might decide he doesn’t want to be tied down, which can happen and you aren’t married so you have no legal rights. Presumably you will take an income hit on Maternity pay and/or be worse off financially after you have the baby due to childcare costs as well
So I can see why your Mum might not be happy

I take it you do live with your mother?

Honestly @Me96 if you can't see how unfair this is on your mother, you haven't done her the courtesy of considering this situation on her.

You're 23 now and yet she will have baby things in the house for another few years yet. All being well. If it doesn't fall apart with the father of your dc2.

As you haven't mentioned where you're living I assume everyone is right in thinking it's with your mum. Can you really not see why she'd be less than thrilled about a newborn? They're adorable and lovely but also noisy and exhausting. Its not something I'd want to subject my relationship to at 1.5 years in but that's not to say it won't work out.

I was 18 when I had my daughter, so I understand the trials and tribulations you go through as a teen mum. The judgements from other people etc etc. However you've just admitted that baby no.2 wasn't planned. Someone else phrased it quite well uptrend "an adult but not making adult decisions." Once is a contraception failure etc, twice is not being careful enough. If you're sure this will work, why not move out now? It's not fair on your mum.