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Original poster

Unsupportive mother with second pregnancy.

52 replies

Me96 · 25/09/2021 14:45

When I was 18 I fell pregnant with my first child - I was young and me and his dad were in a relationship but it wasn't stable it was a shambles, my mam supported me and was over the moon. (Myself and my first borns father have now seperated).

5 years on and me and my now partner have just found out I'm pregnant (5 weeks and 2 days), I decided to tell my mam and she has never looked so disappointed, she couldn't even smile at me or say congratulations. I walked off crying being supported by my OH and we then went to his house for the night.

My mam then rang me saying she just thinks it's the wrong time as we arent settled and don't have our own place yet (we are saving), and went on saying my partner doesn't have a stable job and is in debt (he has paid all of his debts off and is working whilst at college doing electrical courses). She has been so bitter and it absolutely broke me. She will never love this grandchild like my first born and it has now made me resent my mother more than I ever thought I could.

My OH is amazing with my little boy and had a son of his own, we get on well and rarely argue, we are putting money away for our own place and we had already planned to be in our own place by the new year. What is her problem?!

OP posts:

huniepop · 25/09/2021 16:05

The biggest problem is just the living situation and whether your boyfriend is really committed to you.

You don't have to be married immediately, your age is not an issue, having two fathers isn't the issue- but you don't want to end up as a single mother again- this time to two kids by two dads

No judgement from me, I've been in a very similar position. But we did live together, planned to get married and I had a strong career path I was heading down. I do get your mums worries.

Chloemol · 25/09/2021 16:06

She has a right to her feelings, and if you are living with your mum perhaps she can’t cope with a new baby there

So now is the time to agree to move out and get your own place

ChicChaos · 25/09/2021 16:09

We can only go on what you've said here OP, but your mother seems to be right. I certainly wouldn't class that as your mother being 'bitter' or having a 'problem'.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy

AMALT · 25/09/2021 16:12

She has a point

ManifestingJoy · 25/09/2021 16:12

Yes, what is she ''resentful'' about?
That again her resources and time and energy will be going towards your second baby? Is that really what you think resentment is? Does she not have the right to hope that one day her home will be her own, her time and her energy and her spare money will be her own?

If my daughter got pregnant and did not have a termination I wouldn't be thrilled with her. I wouldn't kick her out but I'd feel very little down that she just thought I OWED it to her to support her even though that impinged on my own peace and freedoms!

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 25/09/2021 16:18

Yeah. I think she sort of hoped you'd learned after the first time you found yourself with an unplanned pregnancy and she had to bail you out.

I hope this all works out and everything, but the fact is, you have a second unplanned pregnancy with a man you're not living with, you're still dependent on her, and now there are two other DC as well needing to be navigated through a blended family setup. Being a stepparent is a hard row to hoe; do you have any realistic idea of what that's going to be like?

HalfpastFlea · 25/09/2021 16:32

I have a dd slightly older than you and I'd probably have the same reaction as your dm.

If you are living at home with her in her house, then she's entitled to be really annoyed about the prospect of a newborn being introduced, especially as if things go wrong with your new partner, she's going to have to pick up the pieces.

Being a grown up means making grown up decisions, that includes not steam rollering your mother in to accepting a new baby coming into her home just because you're pleased.

Notaroadrunner · 25/09/2021 16:36

Assuming you live with your mother, she has every right to be pissed off at the thoughts of you having another child before getting your own place.

firstimemamma · 25/09/2021 16:40

She's probably just worried and scared. I would be too in her shoes.

Standrewsschool · 25/09/2021 17:04

Well done on making plans to get a house, work etc. It sounds like you’re heading in the right direction.

However, I can understand how your mum must feel. She’s supported you financially and emotionally all this time. She’s probably worried she’ll have to do this all again, just as life was getting easier, with dc going to school etc.

If she’s been a good gran to dc1, then I’m sure she’ll be a good gran to dc2. She

Odile13 · 25/09/2021 17:05

Try to think of things from your mum’s point of view. Think of how supportive she was with your first child and give her credit for that. It sounds like she is just concerned for you given the circumstances.

Doomscrolling · 25/09/2021 17:13

You’re avoiding replying to everyone asking if you live with your mum.

If you’re living in her house and therefore she’s financially subsidising your life and that of your 5 year old, no wonder she isn’t thrilled at the prospect of another baby.

It’s very early days in your relationship - only 18 months - and you don’t even live together. In addition you’ve already got two children between you. Now isn’t the time to have a child, OP. Wait a few years until you’re settled and in a home of your ownn(rented or otherwise)

Ylvamoon · 25/09/2021 17:13

@Me96 From the information you have provided, I can only say, that you are a bit naive and looking for a happy ending when really you are just at the beginning of your journey.

You haven't even managed to move out from your childhood home yet. Taking full responsibility (emotionally & financially) for yourself and your child(ren).
Of course your mum is a bit miffed. She hoped you would be grown up enough to acknowledge your responsibilities and act accordingly.

CattingT · 25/09/2021 17:18

OP, I'm sure you'd be worried too if it was your daughter.

18m isn't long to be with someone at your age when you already have a child.

She's just worried for you.

Figgyboa · 25/09/2021 17:23

Sorry OP, I don't think its your mum being unreasonable, I think she's just concerned for your future.
-you're 23 and already have a 5 year old who, by the sounds of it, the dad's not in the picture
-you've only been with this guy for 1 1/2 years and you don't live together
Its great that you can pay your way with your current DC but what about the second? Can your DP cover both you & 3 children when you're on maternity leave? Can you cover both you're children's childcare costs when you're back at work? You don't have to answer these questions, they are for to think about, the reality of having another child. That's what your mum is asking herself and may be struggling to answer without her being involved. I'm sure deep down she's excited and will love your 2 DC but there's probably a twang of disappointment, history repeating itself.

PotteringAlong · 25/09/2021 17:25

What is her problem?!

You’re 23. You (presumably, you seem to be dodging the question) live in her house with your 5 year old, a man you have been with for less than 2 years and, at various points, his child from a different relationship too. And now you want to throw another baby into the mix.

I would be miffed as well.

someonesomewhere7 · 25/09/2021 17:36

You'll be 23 with 2 accidental babies by two different dads, with a less than perfect financial standing on top of that.

I'm sure that's not the life she dreamed for you and she's struggling to come to terms with that. She's disappointed and no one can blame her. She was probably hoping you're making progress in life and pulling yourself out of the mess you created by having a baby at 18 and gaining some stability. And now you've gone and undone all that and she's back to having to worry about you. Surely you can find some empathy for her.

I'd say give her time to process the news. I'm sure she'll love this baby just as much as your first once they're here.
And for god's sake, please figure out (better) contraception!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/09/2021 17:39

I too can see why a parent wouldn’t be thrilled with this.

You say you are supporting yourself but it sounds like you live at home so costs will be minimal. You don’t live together and haven’t so won’t know how that goes, dating is very different than living together and two existing children are in the mix as well.

CaMePlaitPas · 25/09/2021 17:43

Tbh I wouldn't be over the moon about my 23 year old daughter getting knocked up by a man who hasn't committed to her, has a child from a previous relationship and a history of debt.

tiggerwhocamefortea · 25/09/2021 17:47

What is her problem?!

You are 23, with 2 unplanned children by 2 different fathers, you aren't married, you don't even have a home together - I'd be mortified if this was one of my children too sorry OP

CaMePlaitPas · 25/09/2021 17:48

Being married gives you legal protection OP, no one is frowning upon unmarried mothers, the guarantees marriage gives you if things go wrong are important. You have one year of savings and will have two lots of childcare to pay for as well as a house move. It's not ideal timing.

someonesomewhere7 · 25/09/2021 17:52

@tiggerwhocamefortea

What is her problem?!

You are 23, with 2 unplanned children by 2 different fathers, you aren't married, you don't even have a home together - I'd be mortified if this was one of my children too sorry OP

She probably feels like she messed up as a mother to have you end up making such poor decisions repetedly. Sorry OP, one accidental pregnancy is bad luck but two is recklessness on your part.

lynntheyresexpeople · 25/09/2021 18:02

You live with your mum with your 5 year old, who you had aged 18. Youre now pregnant again, accidentally, with someone you've been with less than 2 years, who also has another child, history of debt. Can you honestly not see why none of this is ideal??
She has every right to be annoyed when you're living in her home.

I fell pregnant with my first aged 23, whilst on contraception so total shock, which everyone commented I was young too. However, I lived with my partner of 5 years in our own (rented) 2 bed, we both worked and we were financially independent. We are now married with two children. We weren't relying on anyone else to house or help us, and that's the difference.

If I was your mum, I would be frankly terrified you'd end up on your own aged 23, with two children from two dads, and needing to be supported by me or live with me. She's raised you, her parenting is at the stage where it should be much easier, but she's living with a small child again, and now probably another baby. I think you're being quite naive to not see how this will effect her tbh. Rather than being angry with her, I'd be thanking her for allowing you to live there and help you raise your child for the last 5 years. If this is what you want, you need to move out and fast. It's not at all fair for her to have to house your two young children down to your poor planning.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, I absolutely don't want to stick the boot in, but you really need to see this from her side. You're acting incredibly immaturely.

ncmcr · 25/09/2021 18:05

Have I missed it or have you not answered yet, where are you currently living?

If you're still living with your mum then yes, I can completely understand her reaction. She's probably devastated that you've done it again. I wouldn't want my daughter and 2 grand children living with me in my home. If it was necessary for them to be safe, then yes they could stay of course, but I just don't understand why you'd make that choice for yourself.

I'd be gutted too. Her reaction is normal, she's probably wondering what the hell you're playing at.

ncmcr · 25/09/2021 18:07

The fact you've both got kids already, are so young, haven't been together that long, don't live together, he has a history of debt.

It sounds terrible, and honestly in your shoes I wouldn't be continuing with the pregnancy.

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