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Original poster

Who is a wedding for?

101 replies

TeenMinusTests · 23/09/2021 14:46

When DH and I got married, back in the last century, we wanted our friends & family to share our day. So far so good.

So we arranged it:

  • in an easily accessible location
  • on a date to suit the most important family members
  • timings so those with children could get home that day
  • children invited

I am regularly amazed on MN of people:

  • expecting / putting strong pressure on others to travel abroad or to a distant location
  • expecting bridesmaids etc to stay overnight even when they have young children, but not inviting those children
  • not running dates past key family before booking but then expecting them to attend
  • etc.

We wanted to make it as easy as possible for our guests to share the day with us.
So many others seem to think it is 'their' day and others should be expected to put themselves out as much as necessary to dance attendance.

So my question is:
A) do you view a wedding as something the hosts should make easy & pleasurable for the guests?
OR
B) is a wedding the bride & groom's 'special day' so everyone else is beholden to make it special for them?

OP posts:
ssd · 23/09/2021 14:47

B

UNFORTUNATELY

LadyDanburysHat · 23/09/2021 14:49

It should be about the bride and groom, and really they can have any kind of day they want. However, they do not then have the right to get pissy if people can't make it, can't afford it, do not wish to bend to their will.

AuntieStella · 23/09/2021 14:50

A is how I think it should be.

It could turn out to be either, if the B&G have lost sight if the fact the people coming to celebrate with you is special in itself

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Weddings
Granllanog · 23/09/2021 14:51

When I got married I followed the principles of A.
My niece is planning her wedding and is definitely following B.
I used to enjoy weddings but now they are to be endured!!!

Happylittlethoughts · 23/09/2021 14:53

I think it's a balance of both. I'm still musing the couple who arranged it all when they knew their parents couldn't attend. I think B&G do have to consider some factors against their dream plans.

Pikamoo · 23/09/2021 14:53

I think it should be a bit of both.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/09/2021 14:55

If people think it’s just about the two of them they should bugger off and elope rather then expecting people to dance attendance in ways that are inconvenient or expensive.

If they want other people to join them in celebration they should make that as easy and inconvenient as possible.

onlychildhamster · 23/09/2021 14:56

A.

Which is why my wedding is postponed indefinitely, 6 years after I got married legally. We waited so long because we were saving to buy our flat and we didn't want to be fussed about the logistics/expense of a Jewish/Chinese fusion wedding with important guests i.e. grandparents, siblings, parents coming from 4 different countries before that. So we scheduled it for 2020 and then covid happened. I want my parents to be with me in London for my synagogue ceremony and I can't go to Singapore for my Chinese wedding reception without 2 weeks hotel quarantine (which could be fine, but the singapore situation is not stable either despite 90% vaccination rate).

I am honestly not fussed about anything except that my parents and immediate family should be there.

waybill · 23/09/2021 14:56

If they want to follow B then they need reminding that their wedding is not the most important event in everyone else's life.

GivenUpEntirely · 23/09/2021 14:57

C - it's about the bride and groom. Guests shouldn't have to bend over backwards to make the day special, nor should the bride and groom make a special effort to make the day 'accessible to all'.

It's about being married - that's what make a wedding special. Not the party!

MimiDaisy11 · 23/09/2021 15:00

It should be a bit of both. You choose location but should be mindful of guests and issues caused. If you want B then elope and it can all be on your terms. I wanted to involve a boat trip but it’s not possible due to health issues with some guests so we’re not doing it so no one is left out. We’re doing the boat trip on our own the next day.

MedusasBadHairDay · 23/09/2021 15:02

Bit of both realistically.

AnotherFruitcake · 23/09/2021 15:03

B. I had absolutely zero intention of making sure my wedding was lovely, inexpensive, suitably-timed and problem-free for guests, so we just did it by ourselves in jeans in a registry office and took our two witnesses for tapas afterwards.

Quite apart from anything else, all our families and the majority of our friends are widely-scattered around the world, so no date/timing was going to be manageable/inexpensive/even possible for more than a small number of guests.

Original poster
TeenMinusTests · 23/09/2021 15:05

Given Maybe not accessible to all, because you'll never find a date that suits everyone. But not checking with parents, or organising on a mid-week term time when half the family are teachers, booking somewhere miles away from most guests but then expecting them to attend seems somewhat self centred.

Is there a generation gap? Where older people focus on guests and younger ones on themselves? Or is that too simplistic?
(I think 'say yes to the dress' and 'Don't tell the bride' have a lot to answer for personally!)

It's like the 'we want to get married on X because it is a special date to us, even though it's inconvenient to everyone else'. Surely the date you get married is special in and of itself?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenMinusTests · 23/09/2021 15:07

@AnotherFruitcake

B. I had absolutely zero intention of making sure my wedding was lovely, inexpensive, suitably-timed and problem-free for guests, so we just did it by ourselves in jeans in a registry office and took our two witnesses for tapas afterwards.

Quite apart from anything else, all our families and the majority of our friends are widely-scattered around the world, so no date/timing was going to be manageable/inexpensive/even possible for more than a small number of guests.

Another But in a way you surely did A too? As in you decided there was no one you really needed there, and you made it inexpensive and easy for everyone by just having a small marriage ceremony.
OP posts:
Aroundtheworldin80moves · 23/09/2021 15:07

Even with A you can't make it easy for everyone unless all your friends and family live near each other.

We got married in DHs home town so his Grandmother could attend. But this meant 90% of guests needed an overnight stay at least one night (my family live all over the country (indeed world) , friends all over the place)

We made sure we chose a venue with a reasonably priced bar though, and didn't get things like chair covers and floral centrepieces so there was more free wine and welcome drinks.

StevieNix · 23/09/2021 15:12

Should be A (ours was) but almost every other wedding I’ve attended has 100% been B unfortunately

AnotherFruitcake · 23/09/2021 15:17

@TeenMinusTests, not really, to be honest. I’m sure our parents would have preferred to attend, but as they were already by then elderly, not particularly robust, would have have had to be flown over, accommodated in a hotel, and escorted literallyevery time they left it as they couldn’t fathom the tube etc (this was central London), I decided what I wanted — at a spectacularly busy time in both our lives — was more important than what anyone else wanted and acted on that.

I certainly wasn’t doing it to be unselfish.

DeathOnTheNile · 23/09/2021 15:18

I'm an A, without question. I think B is a bit of a ploy to get people buy into the 'fairytale' image of a wedding, often resulting in them spending more money. If the day is purely about the B&G, what is the purpose of including loved ones at all? Just to have a compliant audience? I know the MN saying is 'their wedding, their choice' but this seems to enable a self-centred mentality which can easily spiral into bridezilla territory.

I think there a lot of cultural factors at play too here. In 'Western' cultures which heavily emphasise individual preferences, things like inviting adults only are acceptable. But in many cultures weddings are seen as a community affair, and are much less about the B&G than they are about bringing together the community and two families. Etiquette is completely different too - I've been at weddings where people talked over speeches, children ran around and made noise etc and this was all seen as ordinary, because the purpose of the wedding was seen differently.

CarrotSticks23 · 23/09/2021 15:19

Well I think it's more B. Like a birthday party is more about the birthday haver.

But really it should be a bit of both, be mindful of guests but I personally wouldn't centre my day around everyone else's needs, and equally wouldn't get pissy about whether others chose to come or what they chose to do

SheABitSpicyToday · 23/09/2021 15:20

B for us. Registry office with two witnesses. Perfect.

minatrina · 23/09/2021 15:22

Hm. I have to say, I definitely think B in so far as it's the bride and groom's day, no one else's. That's certainly how I felt about mine.

However I'm also not a self-indulgent twat, so I didn't have any delusions of grandeur about far flung locations, expectations of bridal party or guests, anything at all really.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it was mine and my husband's special day, which is why we didn't expect anyone except us to go to any particular effort for it - because it was our day, not theirs.

aSofaNearYou · 23/09/2021 15:23

Well both really, neither option is how I'd say it. The day is for the bride and groom, but they shouldn't be demanding dicks about it 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
TeenMinusTests · 23/09/2021 15:23

@SheABitSpicyToday

B for us. Registry office with two witnesses. Perfect.
But again, you didn't make guests put themselves out for you, and you didn't get upset when they couldn't attend, so quite A like too (just they didn't get to see you get married).
OP posts:
MsHedgehog · 23/09/2021 15:24

A bit of both. When we were planning our wedding and then our micro wedding, we (I…) were very much of the view it’s our special day and we should have what we always hoped to have. However, we avoided locations that were difficult to get to to make things easier for our guests. We also made sure we had a rough idea of whether the date works for extended family, but definitely checked with close family beforehand. The hotel our original wedding was going to be in was expensive, but we directed people to the local premier inn so that guests didn’t feel obliged to stay, and we covered the cost for our family anyway.

So we planned our day how we wanted it, but made sure our guests would have been and were comfortable and not too inconvenienced.

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