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Original poster

Who is a wedding for?

101 replies

TeenMinusTests · 23/09/2021 14:46

When DH and I got married, back in the last century, we wanted our friends & family to share our day. So far so good.

So we arranged it:

  • in an easily accessible location
  • on a date to suit the most important family members
  • timings so those with children could get home that day
  • children invited

I am regularly amazed on MN of people:

  • expecting / putting strong pressure on others to travel abroad or to a distant location
  • expecting bridesmaids etc to stay overnight even when they have young children, but not inviting those children
  • not running dates past key family before booking but then expecting them to attend
  • etc.

We wanted to make it as easy as possible for our guests to share the day with us.
So many others seem to think it is 'their' day and others should be expected to put themselves out as much as necessary to dance attendance.

So my question is:
A) do you view a wedding as something the hosts should make easy & pleasurable for the guests?
OR
B) is a wedding the bride & groom's 'special day' so everyone else is beholden to make it special for them?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 23/09/2021 15:24

If the day is purely about the B&G, what is the purpose of including loved ones at all?

What's the purpose of inviting people to birthday parties?

SirenSays · 23/09/2021 15:25

B for us too, we eloped and got married on a little island with our only guests being backpacker friends we met over there 🏝️

MajorCarolDanvers · 23/09/2021 15:25

A

A good host wants their guest to enjoy it and not be burdened or pressured.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
MsHedgehog · 23/09/2021 15:26

However, your post doesn’t take into account how weddings have been disrupted by covid. After a year and half of barely any weddings, venues are massively booked up so unless you want to wait a couple of years, you may have to go for the midweek wedding and hope your guests understand. Same goes for those on a budget - weekends in peak season are a lot more expensive than weekdays in off peak season.

saleorbouy · 23/09/2021 15:27

A but more are becoming B. I'm quite happy not to be invited to a wedding now as they are rarely about having fun and more about making an impression.
Simple fun days creating great memories are now more like making Insta perfect days at the expense of guests.

peboh · 23/09/2021 15:27

It's about the bride and groom. They shouldn't have to compromise on their day for anyone else. I massively compromised for mil, and she ended up taking over and I honestly didn't really enjoy my wedding at all. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and our marriage is fantastic, but I do wish I could look back on our wedding day with better memories.

Original poster
TeenMinusTests · 23/09/2021 15:28

@CarrotSticks23

Well I think it's more B. Like a birthday party is more about the birthday haver.

But really it should be a bit of both, be mindful of guests but I personally wouldn't centre my day around everyone else's needs, and equally wouldn't get pissy about whether others chose to come or what they chose to do

So does that mean
  • you'd book the date without running it past eg your parents?
  • you'd pick location without reference to guests travel & accommodation?
  • you really wouldn't be upset if your best friend / sibling said 'sorry too expensive or wildly inconvenient to attend'?
OP posts:
CarrotSticks23 · 23/09/2021 15:28

If there's a special day to the B+G it's up to them if they want to do it on that day. I'd hardly call that selfish. I'd say it's quite selfish to think you can dictate someone's else's wedding say.

People get married midweek because its cheaper, I'd the parents are paying for the wedding then fair enough they can dictate a day but otherwise its up to the B+G to chose the day.

The only wedding thats going to be exactly how you like it is your own, everyone is different and everyone likes different things and so I think when planning your own wedding you would be foolish to put everyone else's desires above your own, because at the end of the day the person who cares most about the day is the bride, groom and maybe their parents.

minatrina · 23/09/2021 15:29

@aSofaNearYou

If the day is purely about the B&G, what is the purpose of including loved ones at all?

What's the purpose of inviting people to birthday parties?

Exactly! You invite people because they want to be there for you.

My wedding was a very special day for me and my husband. I'm under no illusions that it was a particularly important event for anyone else (except I suppose our parents).

But surely you're inviting the people you love to YOUR special day, and they accept the invitation because they love and care for you, and want to celebrate with you - not because they think the day is "about" the guests in any way. It's just a happy coincidence that they get to have a nice time and catch up with relatives whilst they're there.

chantico · 23/09/2021 15:30

@SirenSays

B for us too, we eloped and got married on a little island with our only guests being backpacker friends we met over there 🏝️
I don't think that's a B

"B) is a wedding the bride & groom's 'special day' so everyone else is beholden to make it special for them?"

Nobody was beheld to anything in these circs

Kneller92 · 23/09/2021 15:32

I think ultimately it is the bride and groom's day so it is their choice what that looks like however if they want to share it with important family members and friends then they should take into account how those people with get there, where they will stay etc.
I got married during the pandemic and lots of people told me I should cancel it as it would not be the day we originally planned with fewer people and they wanted to be able to go but my husband and I wanted to be married and that was our choice. We accepted certain people wouldn't be able to go etc and have a party planned for the end of this year to celebrate with everyone.

aSofaNearYou · 23/09/2021 15:32

*So does that mean

  • you'd book the date without running it past eg your parents?
  • you'd pick location without reference to guests travel & accommodation?
  • you really wouldn't be upset if your best friend / sibling said 'sorry too expensive or wildly inconvenient to attend'?*

I think you're conflating the day being about the bride and groom, with them being extremely demanding by nature, but the two don't automatically go hand in hand. I think the wedding is about the B&G but wouldn't host it abroad and expect people to come, I would only do that if I were eloping. I wouldn't really run dates past people as I would know when my parents were busy.

Feeling the day is about the bride and groom doesn't mean being wildly inconsiderate towards guests, that's a seperate issue to do with a specific kind of person.

minatrina · 23/09/2021 15:32

@CarrotSticks23

If there's a special day to the B+G it's up to them if they want to do it on that day. I'd hardly call that selfish. I'd say it's quite selfish to think you can dictate someone's else's wedding say.

People get married midweek because its cheaper, I'd the parents are paying for the wedding then fair enough they can dictate a day but otherwise its up to the B+G to chose the day.

The only wedding thats going to be exactly how you like it is your own, everyone is different and everyone likes different things and so I think when planning your own wedding you would be foolish to put everyone else's desires above your own, because at the end of the day the person who cares most about the day is the bride, groom and maybe their parents.

Exactly this, if my best friend chose a particular date for that I couldn't do, I would just accept the fact that I can't go and she would accept that's the consequence of being inflexible with dates, and we'd all move on like adults. I can't understand how that's selfish - it's her day! Not mine.
DDUW · 23/09/2021 15:32

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Lyricallie · 23/09/2021 15:33

I'm another that's a bit of both. I just had my wedding this year (after postponing over a year). And we had a city centre location as I wanted it to be easily commutable. However at the same time I wasn't inviting every man and his dog. Even though I had people texting me asking why so and so wasn't invited. (I haven't spoken to them in X years why would I pay £80 for their dinner and they probs don't want to come anyway).

Also I wanted a ceilidh (never happened sadly) but my mum was moaning saying she didn't like them, tough I'm having one because I always wanted one. Stupid covid.

So both. And I think someone said it well in my generation my friends and family are spread across the globe whereas in days gone by people never left their area so everyone would come.

Original poster
TeenMinusTests · 23/09/2021 15:35

@peboh

It's about the bride and groom. They shouldn't have to compromise on their day for anyone else. I massively compromised for mil, and she ended up taking over and I honestly didn't really enjoy my wedding at all. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and our marriage is fantastic, but I do wish I could look back on our wedding day with better memories.
What kind of compromises though?

To me it isn't about allowing someone else to take over, it is about being considerate of your guests and making it easy for them to enjoy your day.

Mshedgehog I agree Covid disruption does impact things, and many are needing to compromise between what they want and getting married any time soon.

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 23/09/2021 15:35

I think there a lot of cultural factors at play too here. In 'Western' cultures which heavily emphasise individual preferences, things like inviting adults only are acceptable. But in many cultures weddings are seen as a community affair, and are much less about the B&G than they are about bringing together the community and two families. Etiquette is completely different too - I've been at weddings where people talked over speeches, children ran around and made noise etc and this was all seen as ordinary, because the purpose of the wedding was seen differently.

DeathOnTheNile has it spot-on. I rarely get an individual wedding invitation - the whole family is invited, kids and all, and that's that. When he was smaller, I just released my kid into the pack of cousins running about, and it was encouraged. As for interruptions - one of my lovely BILs took a phonecall while sitting in the front row of his sister's wildly expensive wedding! I was a bit startled, but nobody else seemed to notice. And it really is as much about bringing two families together as it is about two individuals. You get invited to weddings of relatives you've never met, and when you point this out, well, it's noted that going to their wedding is an excellent way to get to finally meet them!

aSofaNearYou · 23/09/2021 15:35

@DDUW

A wedding is for the families of the bride and groom.

Marriage is a solemn undertaking between the bride and groom. The wedding carries all sorts of historic cultural expectations around the role of the parents if the b&g. Therefore relatives of the parents will take offence if not invited. The bride and groom are incidental where the wider family is concerned.

Eh? Maybe in other cultures but my wedding has very little to do with my parents, they are just there out of love for me.
minatrina · 23/09/2021 15:36

@aSofaNearYou

*So does that mean
  • you'd book the date without running it past eg your parents?
  • you'd pick location without reference to guests travel & accommodation?
  • you really wouldn't be upset if your best friend / sibling said 'sorry too expensive or wildly inconvenient to attend'?*

I think you're conflating the day being about the bride and groom, with them being extremely demanding by nature, but the two don't automatically go hand in hand. I think the wedding is about the B&G but wouldn't host it abroad and expect people to come, I would only do that if I were eloping. I wouldn't really run dates past people as I would know when my parents were busy.

Feeling the day is about the bride and groom doesn't mean being wildly inconsiderate towards guests, that's a seperate issue to do with a specific kind of person.

Exactly. Tbh, I'd assume that people who regard guests as somehow being a significant part of their nuptials are equally likely to be demanding towards guests - I've seen so many stories of brides/grooms not being able to fathom why guests aren't pouring their life and soul into their wedding as they think their guests should regard it as a significant day in their own lives, rather than just the B&G's.

It's completely down to the character/selfishness of the people involved, rather than any notion of who a wedding is "for".

PurBal · 23/09/2021 15:37

Definitely A. Got married in 2018.

CarrotSticks23 · 23/09/2021 15:38

If I'd chosen a wildly inconvenient wedding then no of course I wouldn't get upset if my best friend didn't attend because its wildly inconvenient for them.

Equally though I am perfectly happy to make an effort to attend loved ones and close friends weddings. Because I care about them and want to be there. Generally weddings are booked at least a year in advance and I have plenty of warning to organise myself to get there. There's very little I have organised a year in advance tbh

I have friends all over the country and there's no way that you could organise a wedding to accommodate everyone. I can't even accommodate both mine and DPs parents because they live 300 miles apart.

DeathOnTheNile · 23/09/2021 15:40

If I was having a birthday party I always checked to see if it was a good time/date/location for my closest friends and family, because it's important to me not to inconvenience anyone in the process. Plus, I want them to be there and to enjoy it, it wouldn't be fun for me otherwise! So it's not very different to a wedding to me in that sense.

I guess, fundamentally I don't buy into the 'special day' concept of a wedding. Of course I was happy to marry DH, but it wasn't something I was hugely invested in emotionally. Again, I do think our understanding of what a wedding is has fundamentally shifted - I don't think it being a reflection of the couple's personality and tastes and wants has always been the primary consideration, and it still isn't in many cultures. I remember being at a friend's Punjabi British wedding and many of the white British guests were horrified when a guest answered the phone in the middle of the ceremony, and a child was running up and down the aisle for most of it! The couple weren't bothered though as they said their wedding wasn't just about them, it was about a whole community.

EggSheeran · 23/09/2021 15:40

If a bride and groom want to pick a wedding venue that is away from their home town why shouldn't they? If guests can't or don't want to spend money on an overnight stay then they just decline the invite. When does a bride and groom's family and friends all live in the same area? How can you define whether a venue is far away for the guests if they all live in different areas? They will all have varying distances from the wedding venue. I'm sorry that you are offended that not everybody wants to host their wedding in their local social club like the 70's anymore and invite every man and his dog (and child). I personally love that couples have the variety of options to host a wedding that suits their taste, whether that be a barn, a beach, a church, a garden, a social club, a manor. An intimate wedding or a massive wedding. I enjoy planning an outfit and accommodation for a wedding and making a weekend trip out of it, seeing a different part of the country I may not have been to! Not everyone will and again they are free to decline the wedding invite.

I do agree on awkward dates IF it affects their immediate family not attending.

But why should children be automatically invited? It's costly per head and it reduces the number of adults couple's can have attending. I would rather an adult friend come than a child who will have no interest or attention span during the day. It's not a children's party, sometimes these are formal events or not suitable for children due to the venue or type of wedding. My wedding went on until the early hours and had a late, long 4-course dinner - inappropriate and boring for children. It was an adult affair. Would you have the same issue if there was an adult birthday party hosted at a venue and children weren't invited? People can choose to host a Birthday or wedding however they choose to. If somebody wants a fancy dress birthday party they can have a fancy dress party - would you feel aggrieved with how somebody wants their birthday party?

Guests have the option to decline the invite. Simple.

I'm sure most bride and groom's wouldn't be offended if somebody declined an invite for various personal reasons. And in fact most B&G's I know hoped that certain factors resulted in some people declining the invite. Those guests were only invited out of politeness due to family politics etc.

Original poster
TeenMinusTests · 23/09/2021 15:42

@Kneller92

I think ultimately it is the bride and groom's day so it is their choice what that looks like however if they want to share it with important family members and friends then they should take into account how those people with get there, where they will stay etc. I got married during the pandemic and lots of people told me I should cancel it as it would not be the day we originally planned with fewer people and they wanted to be able to go but my husband and I wanted to be married and that was our choice. We accepted certain people wouldn't be able to go etc and have a party planned for the end of this year to celebrate with everyone.
You've said it much better than I did.

If you want to dress up like characters from Star Wars then knock yourself out. But maybe don't insist all your guests do too...?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 23/09/2021 15:44

neither actually. Its the bride and groom's wedding, they get to pick what they want BUT nobody has to go along with what they want, nobody has to go at all. If what the bride and groom doesn't fit with what the guests want, then the guests decline the invitation. Same with bridesmaids and bridezilla brides. Bride says what she wants, bridesmaids are in or refuse.