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Original poster

It's been 18m since I last saw my son

116 replies

StillMedusa · 15/09/2021 00:39

And it gets harder every day.
Bloody Covid.
He went to Australia, so happy to finally have the visa to be with his lovely partner, 3 weeks before Covid hit. It was hard seeing him go, but knowing we were only 24 hours on a plane away, made it bearable.
Then Covid.
Since then he has missed becoming an uncle, and last weekend we listened to his voice singing his latest song (he's a musician), as his sister walked down the isle and a little piece of me broke.
I know we are lucky, we haven't lost anyone in our family. But I haven't hugged my son in 18m, and I doubt we will see him for a long time yet.
I miss him so badly and I know he is missing us so much too.
It sucks.

OP posts:
wildthingsinthenight · 15/09/2021 09:43

So sorry OP that sounds really hard Flowers
You sound a lovely mum

JassyRadlett · 15/09/2021 09:49

Ok, @HoppingPavlova, that’s the basis on which you did it. My ancestors went to Australia knowing they’d never see their families again. Different context again. I take my hat off to them.

However, that’s not the context in which people have made this move in the last 15-20 years. And so the considerations in our decision making were different.

I wouldn’t still be living here if I hadn’t met my English husband. The agreement we reached when we got married was that we’d live here (his family being less mobile and willing/able to travel than mine) but visit Australia a minimum of once a year. That has an impact on him, it’s the majority of his annual leave, but that’s the agreement we reached. Meanwhile, my parents were here at least once a year, my siblings and their families, cousins and friends….

So that’s my context. Would I have agreed to live here permanently in a different context? I don’t know. I probably would have pushed a move to Australia when our children were younger. I know I regret that now, but I was operating in a different context, and my kids were already seeing more of my family than my in laws.

And for me, the knowledge that I can’t get home in an emergency is very hard to take. I’ve always had a narrative of ‘it’s a 24 flight, I’ve got an emergency fund, if something happens I’m 2 days away tops’. That is no longer true.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 15/09/2021 09:51

Couldn't read and run, just wanted to empathize with you, @StillMedusa.

MaverickDanger · 15/09/2021 09:52

But that isn’t the norm now @HoppingPavlova. We can normally afford to fly to Australia 3-4 times a year (if we had the annual leave), with more competition on the routes, we regularly would get flights for £500 each.

Normal for us is seeing in laws once a year, either us to them or vice versa.

That was your normal and this is our normal. A change to the normal is hard. I’m sure you still missed your family and given the chance then to see them, would have taken it.

Covid has taken the choice away - people may not choose to go because of the cost etc which is fine, but there is now not the option to do it which seems very final at the moment.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/09/2021 09:54

@HoppingPavlova

I truly don’t understand it. Many of us in my gen went over to the UK to work and it was pretty much accepted that it would be roughly a 3 year stint on average. There was none of this FaceTime/book business, no email and phone calls were so prohibitively expensive that they were reserved for special occasions. Apart from that it was the odd letter generally with big news. It was just accepted that you missed births, deaths and marriages. I know a few people where a parent died suddenly or whatnot. There was no nipping back and forward for these huge life events let alone some holiday catch up. Long haul plane tickets were not far off house deposits and planes didn’t go every day. Many of us extended our stints and were there several years and heck some even got married and stayed pretty much knowing that parents at best may make it over for the wedding if given enough time to save and after that once a decade at best would be realistic.

Our parents loved us dearly and missed us but were busy in their everyday lives (no doubt had the odd moan to a neighbour over a cuppa), and we loved our families back home dearly but were extremely busy with work. Everyone coped and got on with it. How has it gotten to the point of I have not seen my son/daughter/mother/father/grandparent on deathbed and am wailing and nashing?

Because things have moved on - travel has become cheaper and easier, and expectations have changed. Much like when I was a child in the 70s, it was not routine for people to go abroad for a holiday unless they were very well off - but now it's seen as deprivation if people can't get their "week in the sun" at least once a year.

Expectations make the difference - and no one expected that this pandemic would happen, let alone how long it would go on for, or how badly it would affect so many people.

Thewiseoneincognito · 15/09/2021 09:56

@StillMedusa he moved to Australia? I’m curious to know how often were you intending on going over to visit him or he coming to see you?

My family members over there usually only come back once every 3/4 years, it’s not just the cost it’s the ball ache of a journey here and back plus the horrendous jet lag each way.

18 months is a long time but it was his decision to move away to the other side of the world, he wasn’t coerced. Be happy you have FaceTime and Skype, my parents had to make do with letters and the odd £10 phone call.

FortunesFave · 15/09/2021 10:03

@HoppingPavlova

I truly don’t understand it. Many of us in my gen went over to the UK to work and it was pretty much accepted that it would be roughly a 3 year stint on average. There was none of this FaceTime/book business, no email and phone calls were so prohibitively expensive that they were reserved for special occasions. Apart from that it was the odd letter generally with big news. It was just accepted that you missed births, deaths and marriages. I know a few people where a parent died suddenly or whatnot. There was no nipping back and forward for these huge life events let alone some holiday catch up. Long haul plane tickets were not far off house deposits and planes didn’t go every day. Many of us extended our stints and were there several years and heck some even got married and stayed pretty much knowing that parents at best may make it over for the wedding if given enough time to save and after that once a decade at best would be realistic.

Our parents loved us dearly and missed us but were busy in their everyday lives (no doubt had the odd moan to a neighbour over a cuppa), and we loved our families back home dearly but were extremely busy with work. Everyone coped and got on with it. How has it gotten to the point of I have not seen my son/daughter/mother/father/grandparent on deathbed and am wailing and nashing?

Well for some of us it was never for a 3 year stint. Some of us do it because our prospects long term are better abroad. And if you've got children over a certain age, then returning just as they're about to do exams would be terrible.

And I find your comment about wailing and 'nashing' (assume you meant gnashing) to be offensive.

I was the poster who mentioned a sick Mother in the UK whilst I'm in Australia and I'm certainly not wailing. I'm keeping a stiff upper lip but occasionally, threads like this make me feel I can let it out a bit.

SORRY FOR OFFENDING YOU. Hmm

Mantlemoose · 15/09/2021 10:10

My friends managed to get back from Oz in June, precisely for most of the reasons discussed on this thread.

DialsMavis · 15/09/2021 10:11

I feel your pain OP, my Dad is in OZ and not seen him since May 2019.He has battled 2 types of cancer and sepsis in the last 2 years and one is back with a vengeance. I honestly dont know if I will see him again, but we haven't vocalised that to each other.

When his first cancer came back in Jan 2020 we optimistically booked flights for that easter which obviously didnt happen.

CharityDingle · 15/09/2021 10:11

@sonjadog

People are allowed to be sad for whatever reason. Things can always be worse and there are always people who are experiencing those situations. But there isn't a competition in life where only those who have the most difficult situation are allowed to be sad.
Exactly.

And yes, it is hard, OP. I hope that you will get to see him sooner than you think.

JassyRadlett · 15/09/2021 10:25

I was the poster who mentioned a sick Mother in the UK whilst I'm in Australia and I'm certainly not wailing. I'm keeping a stiff upper lip but occasionally, threads like this make me feel I can let it out a bit.

Yes, god forbid we relax a little and admit we’re finding it tough, lest we get caught in a pincer movement between the ‘just be grateful they’re not dead!’ camp and the ‘we had it much harder in my day what are you whining about?’ people.

Huge sympathy. The saving grace for me is that my parents are in excellent health for their age.

FiveShelties · 15/09/2021 10:31

@HoppingPavlova - I have been travelling from NZ to the UK three times a year and have not been able to return for almost two years now. I emigrated because I could go backwards and forwards easily. I would never have emigrated if I had thought I would not be able to return regularly.

My Mum is 91 and I don't care if you think me being sad that I may never see her alive is wailing and gnashing. There is a huge difference in choosing not to travel and not being able to.

olidora63 · 15/09/2021 10:42

Oh bless you . As a Mum I really feel for you …I was in Australia for 18 months in the late 80s and my parents missed me but my Mum was ok as long as I was ok . Hopefully you will get to see him soon now the vaccines are being rolled out worldwide.💐

Original poster
StillMedusa · 15/09/2021 11:13

Well I didn't expect to find so many replies.
I think most posters understand.. of COURSE we are grateful that our family are still alive, but that doesn't mean we aren't allowed to say we miss them horribly.
And yes in past times people emigrated and that was that. But that's not how it is now, and like most I expect, we were assuming DS1and his fiancee would be able to travel to us , and us to them. We are a close knit family and he did not take the decision to go, lightly. Covid simply took the options away and that is what we are finding so hard.
I'm a pretty up beat person day to day; have worked throughout , face to face in a high risk job, got on with it, protected my loved ones as best I can, and I AM allowed to feel sad that someone I love with every bit of me, is so far away.

And I'd far rather feel that way than have the attitude of some of the posters on here!

Saddm I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard that must be for you xx

OP posts:
EmeraldRaine · 15/09/2021 11:27

Someone i know was in his 30s and he died of covid last year leaving young children and his wife. i know another person who is dying at a young age of cancer that was not diagnosed in time due to covid. again leaving her child without a mother. I don't care if I am being "unkind". Be grateful that you've still got your loved ones even if they're far away (due to their own choices).

FiveShelties · 15/09/2021 11:35

@EmeraldRaine I am very grateful that my Mum is still alive but I still miss her like mad. If you want to be unkind then that is fine, but I will still miss her, you being unkind does not affect that.

Sometimes it is ok to be sad about things, even if other people have worse problems.

countrygirl99 · 15/09/2021 11:47

Well if someone says they don't care if they are unkind what can you do except conclude they aren't very nice and be glad you don't know them in real life.

MouseholeCat · 15/09/2021 12:08

I haven't seen my family since Febuary 2020, and that was only a 24 hour visit while I was on a business trip. I haven't spent quality time with them since December 2018. We're about to have our first child and I still don't know when we'll see them. It hurts.

Spudlet · 15/09/2021 12:38

Is there an epidemic of over-tight knicker elastic on here today? Because this is the second thread that I’ve seen some absolute empathy vacuums posting on. I can only assume that these individuals are experiencing some form of discomfort that is turning them into heartless twats.

Having a shitty time is not a competition, ffs. People are allowed to feel sad, even if they do know that others have it worse. That knowledge doesn’t make their situation any better.

GADDay · 15/09/2021 12:42

I totally understand. Our situation is the opposite. My son moved back to the UK from Australia to go to Uni. He has been gone 13 months, with no prospect of seeing him this year. It hurts.

Flowers for you OP. Hopefully not too much longer now.

GADDay · 15/09/2021 12:50

@HoppingPavlova

I truly don’t understand it. Many of us in my gen went over to the UK to work and it was pretty much accepted that it would be roughly a 3 year stint on average. There was none of this FaceTime/book business, no email and phone calls were so prohibitively expensive that they were reserved for special occasions. Apart from that it was the odd letter generally with big news. It was just accepted that you missed births, deaths and marriages. I know a few people where a parent died suddenly or whatnot. There was no nipping back and forward for these huge life events let alone some holiday catch up. Long haul plane tickets were not far off house deposits and planes didn’t go every day. Many of us extended our stints and were there several years and heck some even got married and stayed pretty much knowing that parents at best may make it over for the wedding if given enough time to save and after that once a decade at best would be realistic.

Our parents loved us dearly and missed us but were busy in their everyday lives (no doubt had the odd moan to a neighbour over a cuppa), and we loved our families back home dearly but were extremely busy with work. Everyone coped and got on with it. How has it gotten to the point of I have not seen my son/daughter/mother/father/grandparent on deathbed and am wailing and nashing?

Would I be correct if I guessed you don't have a child overseas?

Would you be more empathetic if you knew my boy was suffering loneliness, isolation, depression and anxiety due to the pandemic and I can't be there to help him.

True understanding requires perspective. Something you may wish to try.

Chipsahoy · 15/09/2021 12:53

We’ve not seen in-laws in three years Sad. Our youngest was 12 weeks old. He’s now three. Dh is desperate to go see his mum. Finally have the time and money after a huge house move and relocation and they are now allowing travel (USA).
I feel for you op. It must be so difficult.

ParkheadParadise · 15/09/2021 12:55

Aw**@StillMedusa**
Your post is so sad😪😪
I hope it's not too long before you get a massive cuddle from your son.

Chipsahoy · 15/09/2021 12:55

They are not allowing travel that should say

MistySkiesAfterRain · 15/09/2021 12:55

Ah hugs, I just wanted to empathise.

I didn't see my Dad for 2.5 years. The physical pain is real, I had this undefined malaise and it just hit sometimes.

But when you do see him it will be so good.