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Original poster

Abusive father has left us a "box of stuff" after his death - WWYD?

54 replies

immstat · 13/09/2021 09:52

My father was abusive and I went NC with him over 7 years ago.

He died this time last year and I totally forgot my mum mentioning his new family had a "box of stuff" for us. She reminded me this morning when I told her how sad I was feeling today.

There are obviously very good reasons why I went NC and why I refused to go to his bedside as he lay dying, or why I refused to go to the funeral.

The damaged, naïve little girl in me wants desperately to know what he left in the box of stuff. Maybe there will be something that will tell me he loved me after all. A note or something.

The sensible adult who wants to protect that child is saying don't do it. That I won't find anything in that box except disappointment which will lead to more sadness and anger. More feelings of being unloved or unlovable.

My mum is asking if I would like her to contact his family for this box. I am torn.

What would you do?

OP posts:
atalossaboutwhattodo · 13/09/2021 09:57

Ask someone else to go to pick up the box and ask new family if they know what is in it. Have someone there when you open it.
You may get so e closure but be braced for disappointment or flatness. This is the end of it all and now you can move on hopefully Flowers

onthegrindbaby · 13/09/2021 09:58

If it were a box from my (similar) mum, I'd go pick it up. Just to satisfy my curiosity. But I think I'm far along enough in dealing with my feelings towards her to know that I will want something positive from it but likely won't find it. So it would be closure to know that I was right. Maybe try to figure out for yourself whether you've come to terms with that dilemma that you'd be able to deal with the disappointment?

KavvLar · 13/09/2021 09:59

I'm sorry for the difficult time you've clearly had.

If it were me, I think I'd get someone else to look through it first. Would your mum be prepared to do that do you think? Then you could get a better idea of what it is.

I can't quite work out if your dad put it aside for you or if the new family gathered it together for you - that would also make a difference. If it was something he specifically wanted you to have, that might be different from (for example) old family photos or old school books or similar that don't relate to his new family.

Whatever you decide, you know yourself best and you know the reasons why you went NC, so don't do anything that will breach your own boundaries or make you feel uncomfortable. Just because he may have wanted you to have something, doesn't mean you have to accept it. Best of luck with your decision.

hullaballoo19 · 13/09/2021 10:00

I've been nc with my dad for 3 years now. I'd want the box. It will be the final 'communication' with him and I think the chance for some closure following his death would be something I was willing to risk a bit more pain for. I hope you find that closure and peace x

Knittedfairies · 13/09/2021 10:03

Does your mum want the box?

Pikamoo · 13/09/2021 10:03

Could you have some plan in place for its destruction like a fire or similar? I've not been in your situation so not sure that would help.

ManifestDestinee · 13/09/2021 10:03

I think if you don't look, you'll wonder about it for ever. Knowing is always better than not knowing.

Onlinedilema · 13/09/2021 10:03

I would ask someone else to collect the box and maybe this same person could open the box in your presence and look at the items first. Thereby seeing if there is anything triggering in the box and not showing you that item.

5zeds · 13/09/2021 10:04

I’d get the box because it would mean I could know and deal instead of thinking about it. Think of the worst thing it could be and be ready to feel a tsunami of emotions whatever it is. The tsunami will pass though and you will still be here.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 13/09/2021 10:04

I'm nc with my Mother, I know that she has a letter for me to open after she dies.

I've thought about it long and hard and come to the conclusion that I will not be opening the letter.

Nothing she could say or do can change the past. I have moved on and don't want to be drawn back into it again, especially after she wouldn't be there to answer any questions that arise. If it says she loves me it won't make me feel anything except anger that she never showed it while she was alive, if (as I suspect it does) it tells me what a shit person I am, then that will make me feel like crap too.

If the box does prove he loves you, will it really make you feel better?

DGFB · 13/09/2021 10:05

I’d ask my mum to look through it first.. If she thought it was ok for me to see id have a look. If not, it would go in the bin.
Don’t let him abuse you from beyond the grave

TaraR2020 · 13/09/2021 10:05

You could ask your mum to look inside for you?

The other thing to remembered is might not have been a box of stuff put together by him, it might be things his second family have collated. Maybe photos?

VictoriaBun · 13/09/2021 10:10

I would be exactly the opposite to you. I'd open the box and if it had letters of remorse in it or perhaps more abuse from the grave , I would see it as the opportunity , if remorse , to having the last word and not to forgive him , or if more nasty words , just burn them and tell the flames you have put that behind you now and your new , unburdened life is ahead of you.
Maybe it contains a family heirloom you can sell as well !

coffeeisthebest · 13/09/2021 10:10

Your language about yourself is interesting. You talk about a 'sensible' adult and a 'damaged, naive' child. There is no right or wrong in this situation though OP, none of us have any knowledge to tell you what to do. He can't abuse you from beyond the grave though, he's gone. Trust your own decision on what to do with this.

Mariell · 13/09/2021 10:15

Is it a box he prepared or a box of ‘junk’ that his family dumped his personal affects into and thought they would give them to you as some or all of the stuff is old and they thought they might hold some kind of sentimental value to you?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 13/09/2021 10:17

Is it actually from him? Or just stuff that the new family think you might like?

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 13/09/2021 10:18

I couldn't not see what was inside but I'm very nosey.

NoSquirrels · 13/09/2021 10:18

I would ask my mum to deal with it - get the box, look through it and make a good-faith decision on whether there was upsetting content.

If your mum is not someone who could make that good-faith decision (and it would perhaps be understandable if she isn’t) then I’d ask a trusted friend.

Original poster
immstat · 13/09/2021 10:19

thank you everyone.

Reading everything with interest and consideration.

My mum has asked my dad's son for the box. I will ask her to look through it first. I still don't know whether I want to know but she asked him before I confirmed with her, and so it's done. I think she is very curious herself.

Apparently its a box of stuff he had left himself - so its not stuff collated by his other family.

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 13/09/2021 10:21

Good luck, op, I hope it brings you some peace and closure Flowers

Original poster
immstat · 13/09/2021 10:22

@NoSquirrels

I would ask my mum to deal with it - get the box, look through it and make a good-faith decision on whether there was upsetting content.

If your mum is not someone who could make that good-faith decision (and it would perhaps be understandable if she isn’t) then I’d ask a trusted friend.

This. This, a million times this.

I text my mum about feeling sad this morning. She reminded me about the stuff. Asked me if I wanted her to ask for it.

I relied "I'm not sure let me think about it"

Her reply was "I've just asked"

I'm not sure I trust her judgement tbh but now its too late...she's started the conversation with them.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 13/09/2021 10:23

I hope it brings you some peace immstat. Flowers

NoSquirrels · 13/09/2021 10:27

I think - as she’s jumped the gun a bit - just be really crystal clear that if there is anything you would find upsetting (a letter? think about what it is you fear) that your mum must not tell you or pressure you.

LBirch02 · 13/09/2021 10:31

Yes - I’d get the box. The responsible adult part of you would say - if there’s something nice in it it’s a bonus but if not - I’m not gonna let it affect me

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 13/09/2021 10:37

Hi OP

Been here done this and got the t shirt

Virtually the same situation. Expect him to have left weird emotive things designed to make you feel bad.

My dad left me things like my baby teeth, tiny baby cardigan, some "special" school work, art i made and my baby book.
On closer inspection all were things my mother saved or made which he kept when she fled the family home 🙄

its really common for estranged parents to do this kind of thing (i didn't this realise until after)

Be prepared... there will very likely be no lightbulb moment, no hollywood ending, just more of the same crap you were dealing with when they were alive.

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