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Original poster

Abusive father has left us a "box of stuff" after his death - WWYD?

54 replies

immstat · 13/09/2021 09:52

My father was abusive and I went NC with him over 7 years ago.

He died this time last year and I totally forgot my mum mentioning his new family had a "box of stuff" for us. She reminded me this morning when I told her how sad I was feeling today.

There are obviously very good reasons why I went NC and why I refused to go to his bedside as he lay dying, or why I refused to go to the funeral.

The damaged, naïve little girl in me wants desperately to know what he left in the box of stuff. Maybe there will be something that will tell me he loved me after all. A note or something.

The sensible adult who wants to protect that child is saying don't do it. That I won't find anything in that box except disappointment which will lead to more sadness and anger. More feelings of being unloved or unlovable.

My mum is asking if I would like her to contact his family for this box. I am torn.

What would you do?

OP posts:
FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 13/09/2021 10:46

Hey @immstat, great suggestions here. Also, the TV series The Big Bang Theory had an episode on a similar thing in Season 6, episode 19, ‘The Closet Reconfiguration’.

It sounds like a weird thing to recommend to you, but I remember thinking that the comedy show dealt with opening a letter from an estranged, deceased father in a sensitive way - with characters that weren’t sensitive and those that were, and ultimately a unique solution that probably won’t work for you. It also made me smile.

I thought you could use all that info and a laugh while you wait for the box and decide what to do.

rainbowstardrops · 13/09/2021 10:49

I would have to get the box, just out of curiosity really. Prepare yourself for it going either way though.

Couchbettato · 13/09/2021 10:54

I'm really bitter but if my dad pulled this stunt I'd probably go and get the box and throw it on a bonfire.

That way it can't hurt any one and there'd be no urge to check what's inside.

It's highly unlikely he's left you a box of riches or anything that will significantly improve your life.

It's just a box of stuff. Stuff which the person who was horrible to you put in that box. It won't have been done with good intentions even if the person who did it thought they were which is unlikely.

If you go looking for trouble, you'll most likely find it.

tenredthings · 13/09/2021 10:56

I'd see it as an opportunity to turn a page. Light a fire outside, invite your loved ones as witness and burn it all, then beat the ashes with a stick and make beautiful sparks fly into the air. He's dead and gone and the future is all yours.

Firstruleofsoupover · 13/09/2021 11:00

I feel for you OP because this does make you a bit vulnerable if whatever is in the box could hurt your feelings. Your mum sounds a little complicated - "what would you like me to do OP?" "Not sure yet" "I've done it anyway". There could be quite a bit of to and fro regarding this box and what it contains and your reaction. I would say "Fine for you to look through it yourself mum now, but I'm ready to wait another year before I do that so no need to discuss it with me in meantime." Then just choose your time, when you feel ready, whenever. At the moment you are having this rather thrust upon you.

IdblowJonSnow · 13/09/2021 11:02

Do you have a very trusted friend who could either look through it for you or be there eith you?
Flowers

Tlollj · 13/09/2021 11:06

I like the ideas of burning it. But I know I would have to know what’s in it. My curiosity would get the better of me I think.

Twizique · 13/09/2021 11:12

I think I would try to see the box as closure, I would have a look on my own and have a little bonfire ready to help with the closure. Hes given you something to help with saying good bye, his motives may not have been kind but you can turn them into something productive with the right mindset. Good luck.

ssd · 13/09/2021 11:15

Be prepared to be disappointed @immstat

A leopard doesn't change its spots

PicardyRose · 13/09/2021 11:25

I too would have a bonfire party!

It will be either stuff that he stopped your mother having, as @LivingLaVidaBabyShower experienced, or a letter about “his disappointments”.

mumwon · 13/09/2021 11:33

well get the box -if its hurtful burn contents & take ashes & scatter on his grave or into rubbish bin or give to a charity he would have despised

ssd · 13/09/2021 11:41

Actually reading your update, uour mum will look in the box first and tell you whats there, whether you want yo know or not

SafferUpNorth · 13/09/2021 11:48

No experience of the situation and nothing useful to add to the excellent responses you've had so far, other than... your mum's place in all this is unclear. Is the box for her too? Does she know what might be in it? Is she motivated by her own curiosity or need for closure? I think you need a third person outside the family whom you trust - maybe a close friend - to mediate and be there with you when you receive it.

whatausername · 13/09/2021 12:01

IA you need a third person, not your mother, involved ideally.

MaryHadALittleRam · 13/09/2021 12:04

take the box but remember you don't have to open it until you are ready to
I'd ask a friend who knew my history to look first to see if anything could be triggering
Don't put yourself through anything you are not ready for
He shouldn't control your life from the grave

AlphabetAerobics · 13/09/2021 12:06

I agree. Have someone else check the box for you.

Some years ago I received a series of emails from someone I was NC with. I suspected the worst and asked a friend to read the first one.

She told me to delete them all without reading.

Zero regrets.

Anon08 · 13/09/2021 12:19

The question to ask yourself is will looking at the contents make you feel better, even if it is a heartfelt letter?

I’ve been NC for over a decade, in your situation I’d tell them to throw the box away. I’d have no interest in the contents whatsoever. The likelihood of whatever it was inside could make any difference would be zero.

Original poster
immstat · 13/09/2021 12:20

thank you everyone

I do have a trusted friend I could ask to check the content and let me know.

I agree I can't trust my mum, she has blurred lines and boundaries...no fault of her own and she means no harm I am sure - but nonetheless. I have to protect myself.

I also have my DH, who I trust with my life. I might consider opening it with him around for moral support.

I am curious about the contents. I know deep down it probably won't bring any comfort.

I am very confused and overwhelmed right now

I am here reading your comments, all are helpful, thankyou. sorry if I can't reply to all the questions...head in a spin

OP posts:
Original poster
immstat · 13/09/2021 12:22

I’ve been NC for over a decade, in your situation I’d tell them to throw the box away. I’d have no interest in the contents whatsoever. The likelihood of whatever it was inside could make any difference would be zero.

This was my stance for the past 7 years. Not interested, genuinely. I mean to say, my mum told me about the box and I told her I wasn't interested and completely forgot about it. It meant nothing to me this time last year.

Not sure what's changed, but I feel differently about it now

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 13/09/2021 12:28

I wouldn't get the box, and I'd take pleasure in refusing his last attempt at control.

Original poster
immstat · 13/09/2021 13:01

@Stompythedinosaur

I wouldn't get the box, and I'd take pleasure in refusing his last attempt at control.
this is very tempting, and exactly how I have been thinking for the last 7 years

I wonder what has changed in me, its really quite strange.

OP posts:
Rannva · 13/09/2021 13:16

I sell antiques... so I guess I'd check over the box for anything worth flogging. That would also be a way for me to keep my feelings out of it. I agree the box will contain nothing good, nothing that will bring closure and may as well just go to the tip, but I'd satisfy the curiosity by thinking there might a collector's item or a trinket I could sell. Almost everything has a group who collect the memorabilia!

Original poster
immstat · 13/09/2021 13:17
Grin
OP posts:
PigletJohn · 13/09/2021 13:22

@Onlinedilema

I would ask someone else to collect the box and maybe this same person could open the box in your presence and look at the items first. Thereby seeing if there is anything triggering in the box and not showing you that item.
completely agree.
Thissucksmonkeynuts · 13/09/2021 13:24

It's OK to ask them to bin it OP, you can choose to carry in being nc. Not quite the same, but when I was clearing out mum's stuff there was large bundle of papers , probably letters between her amd my father, from when his extreme abuse had him imprisoned. It went straight into a bin bag. It's not something I need to have in my head.