How do you become a graceful positive person and yet stay "real"?

[Ribblechips]

Just pondering after the recent death of a delightful, much loved friend, who was always kind, positive and constructive, and genuinely so.

I am trying to become a bit more like my friend as I mature and age. She was such a positive force in the world. She didn't hide the very real difficulties she faced in her life but she never complained and never had a shred of self pity.

I know I have been far too negative and whinging and angry in the past, although some friends would say (in terms of relationship difficulties) I have had good cause, although probably no more than anyone else tbh.

How do I follow my friend's example without being fake? And while maintaining healthy boundaries?

Do positive people have a very few "inner circle" friends to whom they whinge and maintain a cheery front to everyone else? Or is the positivity embedded within them do you think, so what we would consider a catastrophe, they would respond to as a challenge?

Sorry this is a bit vague but I have always been fascinated to know whether the really positive people I know were naturally born like that, or whether they work hard at it?

Sorry for your loss OP

It is mainly embedded IME, and some people are born with it and some train themselves into it.

The attribute that stands out to me is looking for reasons for doing something. The unhappy people that I know tend to have the opposite viewpoint, you suggest anything and they immediately fire back with why it doesn't apply to them/reasons for not doing it. They expend a lot of time and energy talking about not doing whatever it is or imagining problems. Immediate resistance not acceptance, and sometimes their sense of perspective about problems is a bit off - they see everything as a major drama to be fought against when you could just accept what has happened and do the best you can moving forward.

That doesn't mean you don't have boundaries - you know where they are and you stick to them. But don't invent problems. It is possible to be positive without having someone to whinge to or appear fake to use your example! Even your title implies you doubt it's possible even though your friend did it - what is it about being positive that you think comes across as fake or not real?

Thanks ChicChaos that's an interesting post.

I agree with you about your 'reasons for doing things' point. I am guilty of this sometimes. My mother definitely was! I think a lot of the negativity you mention comes from fear though in the form of self-doubt or lack of confidence. And sometimes, in complex families or marriages, people have to put their foot down in order not to "lose themselves" in the face of quite dominant personalities.

I wholeheartedly agree though that people become "entrapped" by their own negative attitudes and the primary obstacle they have to overcome is getting out of their own heads!

Btw I don't think positive people are necessarily fake. My friend definitely wasn't. She was genuinely positive through and through. You can get the odd Pollyanna of course who tries too hard but they are quite rare and you can see through them. What I was trying to work out was if people like my friend are born happier, or more content, or if they have to work at it?

My friend for example faced serious illness which ultimately was terminal. She complained very mildly sometimes about painful or very daunting procedures she had to go through, but she never ever lost her positivity or appreciation of little things and always asked after others. I've no doubt she had a couple of 'dark nights of the soul' but she didn't choose to share those with me or anyone else as far as I know, and I was the equivalent of her family. Was she extraordinary brave (yes definitely!) or was she naturally such a content person that her 'pysche' was able to push away the fear and focus on the dwindling good things in her life?

I honestly think it is mostly inborn, but I also think we can all have insight into our own nature and try to be more positive.

I very much have the tendency to seek problems rather than approaching things with a truly open mind. I try to be aware when I am doing this now, and kick myself up the bum.

Yes TheYearOfSmallThings it takes a while (well it did for me!) to identify default behaviour and make a definitive decision to improve and change.

@Ribblechips

Just pondering after the recent death of a delightful, much loved friend, who was always kind, positive and constructive, and genuinely so.

I am trying to become a bit more like my friend as I mature and age. She was such a positive force in the world. She didn't hide the very real difficulties she faced in her life but she never complained and never had a shred of self pity.

I know I have been far too negative and whinging and angry in the past, although some friends would say (in terms of relationship difficulties) I have had good cause, although probably no more than anyone else tbh.

How do I follow my friend's example without being fake? And while maintaining healthy boundaries?

Do positive people have a very few "inner circle" friends to whom they whinge and maintain a cheery front to everyone else? Or is the positivity embedded within them do you think, so what we would consider a catastrophe, they would respond to as a challenge?

Sorry this is a bit vague but I have always been fascinated to know whether the really positive people I know were naturally born like that, or whether they work hard at it?

I'm extremely glass half full naturally but I totally prioritize staying that way, too. I exercise a lot, never use social media, fall asleep reading books I love (always thrillers, etc, nothing grim, depressing or self helpy) and I take vit and mineral supps. When I can I get out in nature. I also never watch depressing news unless I can directly do something about it, and I don't drink much (love a drink but do it infrequently and when I do, it's high quality stuff!).

Have a look at practices like keeping a gratitude journal. The free in line coursera course the science of happiness is excellent.

My DH decided after the death of his mother that he was going to be more positive (she often wasn't) and I'll be honest I struggle with it ... we used to laugh and joke about things in the news or whatever or just discuss the good and bad of things and now he slightly berates me for not 'seeing the positive' and I just think 'or I'm being honest and genuine about it'. He decided to change his mindset and is cross basically I didn't decide to do the same straight away. 🤷‍♀️ I like my mindset, I read, I think, then I decide: I don't just automatically go for the positive.

Sorry I realised I didn't quite answer your question. My point was I don't feel his positivity is genuine but everyone else seems to like it 🤷‍♀️

Do positive people have a very few "inner circle" friends to whom they whinge and maintain a cheery front to everyone else?

Possibly. I’d like to think I’m positive, and it’s not forced - don’t know about graceful I’m not afraid to vent to people I trust but it’s short lived and I don’t dwell on small stuff. I do know some people who flap about what I consider small things (small things for me being things where if they were to go wrong the consequences are pretty minimal) and dwell for a long time on negative experiences that will in no way matter within a week’s time. I just don’t give much head space to that sort of thing. I think it’s about prioritising the positive over the negative where possible.

By being assertive. It's hard to learn to do and your own core beliefs will try and stop you at every twist and turn but small goals lead you being assertive all the time this feeling happier, less cross and annoyed and able to accept what you can't change.

It's hard at the start but the adrenaline rush you have when saying 'no' for the first time is amazing and liberating.

So definitely a vote for consciously prioritising the positive there from Rosesareyellow and Polkadots2021 thank you both. I could definitely work on this in terms of diet and exercise and less screen time, and keeping a gratitude journal as thesandwich suggests.

That's really interesting MiniCooperLover about your DH. The people I know who are very positive (including my late friend) were not very confiding. She was not reserved exactly but she wasn't one to spill all. And that can feel a little less intimate than a friendship with someone who is very open about their own failings I guess. It's hard to explain. We were really close but she was naturally quite reserved.

And I agree with you, there are definitely circumstances in which, once critical thinking has been applied, it's difficult to find the positives.

Having said that, my friend faced the worst scenario of all with such courage and grace that it had quite a profound effect on me (hence this thread!).

PS I am sure you do do things with huge grace Rosesareyellow

This sentence you wrote struck me in particular: She complained very mildly sometimes about painful or very daunting procedures she had to go through, but she never ever lost her positivity or appreciation of little things and always asked after others

I have a hunch there's a bit of chicken and egg there - there's a lot to be said for focusing on life outside your own skull when it comes to staying positive. The less positive people in my life tend to spend a lot of time with thoughts about themselves (how they measure up, what people think of them, if they're 'enough').

Contrary to some contemporary social opinion, I find the less time I spend navel-gazing and the more time noticing what's outside of myself, the easier and more uplifting life gets.

Really sorry you lost your friend - especially someone you clearly thought so highly of.

Another interesting perspective chocolateorangeinhaler. I guess it does take a certain bravery and independence of thought and confidence to be positive.

I think you've nailed it penguinwithasuitcase. I have had two episodes of depression but I found getting out in to the countryside made me feel a lot better than the six counselling sessions I had. (I realise this may not be the same for everyone.)

Some interesting points did come up but overall I found getting out and about and doing things in a green space had the most beneficial effect of all; I personally found going over and over issues was enlightening but it didn't really make me feel any better. (Obviously, sometimes people need support to get to the point where they can get out and about.)

And thank you penguinwithasuitcase. She was always much loved but we are only now fully realising what we have lost.

Great thread. I ponder this sometimes too. I think you have to work at it. Not complaining is a biggie but being honest too. Listening is the number one thing. And only volunteer info about yourself if asked. I think it’s intrinsically linked to good manners.

@penguinwithasuitcase

This sentence you wrote struck me in particular: She complained very mildly sometimes about painful or very daunting procedures she had to go through, but she never ever lost her positivity or appreciation of little things and always asked after others

I have a hunch there's a bit of chicken and egg there - there's a lot to be said for focusing on life outside your own skull when it comes to staying positive. The less positive people in my life tend to spend a lot of time with thoughts about themselves (how they measure up, what people think of them, if they're 'enough').

Contrary to some contemporary social opinion, I find the less time I spend navel-gazing and the more time noticing what's outside of myself, the easier and more uplifting life gets.

Really sorry you lost your friend - especially someone you clearly thought so highly of.

I tend to agree with this.

I sometimes rant about work/people/whatever. But overall I'm a fairly positive person I think. I spent several years quite badly disabled by a long term illness and did as much as I could to just do exactly what I would have done without it, within reason. People often describe me as happy/cheerful/positive/smiley even when I'm not feeling that inside.

In terms of when I feel most positive I think it's about a balance of having some time to process my life - which for me is swimming, preferably outdoors. I'm focussed on the water and the feel of the air, and my stroke, but it also gives space for thought and reflection. But then it's also not actually useful for me to spend a long time sitting round thinking - I'm much better off doing. Be that meeting friends, sorting out the garden, volunteering, reading a book, going for a bike ride or to the beach. It doesn't all have to be worthy or energetic, but it has to feel reasonably productive - so not sure sitting on my phone like I am now! I also have a busy job where I feel like I contribute to society, and although it stresses me out, I'd rather be stressed than bored.

OP, Iost my father a few years ago. He was the most positive person I knew. As teenagers we were allowed one day to moan, cry and then we had to have a plan. I find myself asking to sleep on it if I cannot handle something. It works a treat. The other thing my mother taught me was what will be will be. My father's mother died when he was 8,he found her. It was during the war and they were on a farm. He never wanted more than a happy home. Live your life knowing your friend was a jolly person. Tbh that is a great way to be.

There are times when only an old quote will do (you can ignore the God bit, it works either way):

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

It seems to me that your friend had an inner serenity that carried her through.

I think/hope I'm a lot like this!

Focus on other people and look for ways to help them
Do voluntary work
Make daily gratitude lists
Keep busy
Don't worry or complain about things you can't change
And for all the above... Fake it until it becomes a habit!

A sense of humour, even a dark sense of humour when the going gets tough. I think there is a gentleness of soul, a gratitude and an intrinsic understanding of what makes people tick. A generosity of spirit and unflinching ability to find the silver linings in the most difficult of situations. Lovely, lovely qualities.

This reminds me of my mum. She will never complain about anything, never say anything negative about anybody. To be honest, part of it is not good: she grew up as a child having her feelings discounted and made to feel as though she was a nuisance for expressing any negative emotion so she just buried it all. She’s supportive to people going though negative experiences but she cannot handle negative emotions at all. She once - when I was telling her how constructive I found my psychotherapy counselling - said she could never do that because she didn’t want to know what she’d uncover about her real feelings. It made me quite sad. When she was diagnosed with cancer and was in and out of hospital for chemotherapy for months (in remission now) she never once told us how she felt, never said anything at all about it other than the most practical of things.

She’s the life and soul of the local community, everyone loves her, so many people will tell me how great she is, so supportive to them. And it’s true! She is great and supportive - to people who aren’t personally close to her. But it comes from a place of deep emotional dissociation. She manages it by choosing not to introspect at all. I guess who’s to say that’s wrong, if it works for her?! But it is emotionally alienating for my dad and me and my siblings who can never have an honest conversation with her about our feelings because she just doesn’t understand. It’s like trying to explain sunshine to someone who’s never experienced it. It makes me a little bit sad.

Sorry that’s probably not the kind of answer you’ll find helpful, but I just wanted to give the other side of the coin.

Sorry, just reading that back it sounds very negative about your friend. I didn’t mean it like that - I guess I was just trying to say that forcing a positive mindset can go too far and in my mum’s case I feel it’s become a bit of an emotional straitjacket.

If you read the thread this weekend about lucky, wealthy people you woukd see what a huge set of moaners we are. I vote happy. I have a daughter with MH issues through ptsd. She has a huge sense of humour and I always try to make her laugh (knickers on head, silly dance, great daft movie). As before my lovely late dad didn't allow misery. I second that. You never know when life will improve. I could write a book on it. A trilogy even. Never forget your friend and think of something everyday that she would approve of. Good luck.