How do you become a graceful positive person and yet stay "real"?

[Ribblechips]

Just pondering after the recent death of a delightful, much loved friend, who was always kind, positive and constructive, and genuinely so.

I am trying to become a bit more like my friend as I mature and age. She was such a positive force in the world. She didn't hide the very real difficulties she faced in her life but she never complained and never had a shred of self pity.

I know I have been far too negative and whinging and angry in the past, although some friends would say (in terms of relationship difficulties) I have had good cause, although probably no more than anyone else tbh.

How do I follow my friend's example without being fake? And while maintaining healthy boundaries?

Do positive people have a very few "inner circle" friends to whom they whinge and maintain a cheery front to everyone else? Or is the positivity embedded within them do you think, so what we would consider a catastrophe, they would respond to as a challenge?

Sorry this is a bit vague but I have always been fascinated to know whether the really positive people I know were naturally born like that, or whether they work hard at it?

No it doesn't sound negative at all SimonedeBeauvoirscat. My friend was (very difficult to have to write that in the past tense) more as Mydogwillow describes so well. She had a sardonic sense of humour and had huge generosity of spirit which meant she was extremely patient with, and understanding of, people. But I understand what you are saying; and touched on it in the op. Sometimes being positive or never complaining can be linked to low self esteem and fear and that"s not a good thing. I know someone like this who is very objective focused and she can't handle any negative emotion either. People also love her and I thinks it's because she is a doer , is very self effacing and never causes anyone any problems and never asks anything of anyone. But you are so right to say it is at the same time quite emotionally alienating. And I think that's because it's quite hard to have a relationship with someone who doesn't need you maybe? Or in your mum's case won't admit to needing anyone? Being open about ours fears is what makes us more human to others.

In summary, I think as with most things, there is a balance to be struck here.

I am really glad to hear your mum's cancer is in remission

@Ribblechips

I think you've nailed it penguinwithasuitcase. I have had two episodes of depression but I found getting out in to the countryside made me feel a lot better than the six counselling sessions I had. (I realise this may not be the same for everyone.)

Some interesting points did come up but overall I found getting out and about and doing things in a green space had the most beneficial effect of all; I personally found going over and over issues was enlightening but it didn't really make me feel any better. (Obviously, sometimes people need support to get to the point where they can get out and about.)

@Ribblechips I'm not surprised nature had that effect, there's lots of science to say that nature exposure is phenomenally powerful in improving anxiety, poor mental health,old to moderate depression, etc

Thanks for understanding @Ribblechips ! You articulate it very well. There’s a balance to be struck.

Do a gratitude list every night OP. It honestly works. Keep a notepad by your bed. Last thing at night jot down 3 things you're grateful for that day. Doesn't have to be anything grand or exciting just simple things will do. It seems to affect your subconscious. Doing it regularly really does help to reset a negative mindset and make you feel more positive and happy overall.

I think alot of it is general self awareness. Most people l know have a blueprint in their mind of how their lives should be, when it fails to match up, they then become negative and feel a failure. The people who can adapt to whatever life throws at them are the most successful, nothing to do with intelligence. If you are determined to have the best life you can, it doesn't really matter about your circumstances, it's your attitude.
I also think adversity is a great teacher and when you realise healing will follow upheaval, you become more patient and graceful.
Gratitude also makes a huge difference, he grateful every single day, focus on what you have, not what you havent.
That's my take on it.

Very well said ididitsocanyou that is so true. The good manners and listening point is so important I think.

Gladioli23 your post definitely backs up the point about balance and working at it to a degree.

Thanks LipstickLou you sound like a great mum! Not only will I not forget my friend, I am hoping that her death will help me change and I can learn from her example.

Also, about your dad, I think he had the right idea. Teenagers have so much misery thrown at them nowadays, from soap operas (which I don't let mine watch) to 24/7 news, to set texts at school (which all seem to be utterly miserable). No wonder so many suffer from anxiety and MH issues.

The occupier I think there is a lot to be said for faking it at the beginning . And humour as Mydogwillow said.

Barskitts that's very apt indeed although I think my friend didn't have serenity as much as quiet purpose. They are nearly the same but not quite! . And it definitely takes courage to change.

Wow Moonface123 I am going to cut and paste your post and stick it above my computer! There is so much wisdom in it! . Adaptability is so important and I can be a stick in the mud

I will do that, thanks LifeInAHamsterWheel .

Thanks everyone. Everyone's responses on here have given me lots of food for thought and I have a much clearer idea now of how to do what I need and want to do!

This is such an interesting thread @Ribblechips. I would say people would view me as naturally positive (probably not graceful 🤣)

A lot of what others have written is resonant. For me, life is all about perspective. I’ve had some really awful life experiences and I know I’m incredibly resilient. This gives me both the confidence to know I can get through almost anything and also the perspective to really feel the ‘this too shall pass’ ethos when hiccups or even crises occur.

I’m also reserved / a good listener. The two aren’t unrelated! I don’t share huge amounts, although definitely do moan to friends every now and then. Partly to distract others from asking too much about me and partly because I genuinely find other people fascinating, the conversation just naturally tends to be more about them (maybe 70/30).

And finally re perspective, I really grab onto moments and enjoy them right then and there whilst actively acknowledging my gratitude for them. Today for instance, I took a moment to really enjoy a beautiful Big Sky near where we live and think how lucky I am that I can see that. Another one today was loving the joy on my 2yo’s face when she did her first wee in the potty. There were LOADS more challenging moments with her today where I definitely felt more negative towards her (!) but I let them go pretty quickly. As I reflect now on the day, the potty related joy is what I remember rather than the low level whinging . I think learning to acknowledge and let go and acknowledge and keep hold of the right things at the right moment is a huge part of maintaining authenticity, rather than a fake Pollyanna style of positivity.

I agree that perspective is incredibly important MalFunkshun

Why do you want to distract people from asking you too much about yourself if you don't mind me asking? I find it interesting that that is a conscious strategy on your part.

I think gratitude is the answer. I recently had to log 5 things in grateful for every day for a study and found it brilliant. It opened my eyes.

Ok a little game to ‘test’ us. How would you respond or handle graciously friends that habitually tell stories of the incredibly rich people they know. This happens to me a lot in my social group and I find it very difficult to exude happiness for a millionaire who has just landed this he’s contract or has just bought this house. I always end up making some snide comment about the lack of fairness and distribution of wealth which makes me look jealous. I’m really not, I just don’t like fawning over materialistic people and I’m not really impressed by their money. So OP. What would someone like your friend do in a similar situation? Smile and say how nice, ignore it and move the conversation on, be genuinely happy for them or put across their point of view or something else? I could really use the advice!

This is very interesting.
My DM very rarely speaks ill of anyone, and I genuinely think she just doesn’t think negative things.
I’m not such a positive person. I do like to have a moan, for example I love my DH very much but when he irritates me every now and again I will have a little rant to DM or a friend.
DM gets a bit concerned by this and worries that the relationship is in trouble if I’m speaking negatively about DH.
But I disagree completely, it’s important for me to vent. It helps me to get it all the annoyance out so I can continue happily.

@ididitsocanyou

Ok a little game to ‘test’ us. How would you respond or handle graciously friends that habitually tell stories of the incredibly rich people they know. This happens to me a lot in my social group and I find it very difficult to exude happiness for a millionaire who has just landed this he’s contract or has just bought this house. I always end up making some snide comment about the lack of fairness and distribution of wealth which makes me look jealous. I’m really not, I just don’t like fawning over materialistic people and I’m not really impressed by their money. So OP. What would someone like your friend do in a similar situation? Smile and say how nice, ignore it and move the conversation on, be genuinely happy for them or put across their point of view or something else? I could really use the advice!

Funnily enough ididitsocanyou I am not in a dissimilar position myself. I am not jealous either but I can't stand the shallowness of it.

Mmmmmm, how would my friend have handled that? It's a difficult one! Can't be certain but I think she would probably have kept her own counsel to a large degree. She certainly wouldn't have been unpleasant but she definitely wouldn't have fawned either! She wouldn't have had much to say about material things like houses or cars except to say "oh what a lovely view" or "how comfortable" or would have probably very artfully (so you didn't notice) confined her comments to things relating to something different or interesting about the local area. As for the remarks about new contracts she would have asked a diverting question such as, "and will that take you to x or y country?" She would probably be smiling to herself inwardly about the bragging thouvh! I'm not sure if that answer is of much help but I think the best policy is to stick to your values, say little, and "rise above it". My friend definitely tried to think the best of people, I know that. And we are only accountable for our own behaviour I suppose. Other people are accountable for theirs!

GemmaRuby I am with you there. I think I would die without a good moan sometimes! My dh is like your mum and rarely complains about anything or anyone. Or at least, when he does, you know it is something really serious. He is an overall much more positive than me. And I often wonder why that is ...whether it goes right back to genes, childhood attachment issues, different parenting methods, life experiences, or (currently) having more power and autonomy over his own life than I do. As I say, it's a difficult one! I do think it is important to model to your dc how to have fun and enjoy life though because it's a definite skill!

I need to start logging 3luckystars!

@Ribblechips I hate any attention on me I genuinely can’t handle sympathy well at all; it comes, I think, from childhood when I had to guard my feelings in case they were weaponised. I have to feel very safe and comfortable with someone to really open up and I could count those someones on one hand.

@ididitsocanyou, you raise a thought provoking point! I definitely do think less positively about some people - am NCT ‘friend’ was an ‘Elevenerifer’ and my thoughts were less positive but I don’t see that as being incompatible with being an overall positive person. I could see her wider context - rich but hands off laddish husband, lots of insecurities and therefore keen to impress - and I felt a bit sorry for her. I also made a conscious effort not to let her hang-ups affect me and kept reminding myself that I would much rather have my life than hers, even if that was sometimes through a slightly fixed smile…

That makes sense MalFunkshun thanks for explanation.

I agree that being able to see the bigger picture is important!

Play lots
Don't compare
Make time for living in the moment.
Have low expectations
Develop resilience when things are hard

That's a good list thank you Mistyskiesafterrain

Mostly we accumulate baggage from birth. I don’t think there is any single resource that fixes us. It’s always within us to unlock.

When we know that all we had in the past was enough and all we have in the future is going to be enough, we can let go of our fears. When we get to that we truly accept ourselves unconditionally. Curiously, when we get to that stage, we have rediscovered our wide-eyed, non-judgmental four year old selves. Limitless life is stretched out in front of us again and it’s a very big playground.

I don’t think having a close inner circle of friends is necessary. I know lots of people from many different backgrounds, but would only consider having two friends. I think the more we ‘light touch’ positively with a greater number of people, the easier it is to find a home in this world.

@MalFunkshun @Ribblechips thanks for your thoughts on that. It’s food for thought. I am still learning.

I’m worried though. There is a very fine balance between being the dependable positive force and a stiff upper lip that erodes away at your self esteem.

Example: I’ve been out tonight with friends. I can hardly get a word in as one or two of them just endlessly talk about themselves! It’s rude! But I just sit and smile. Then I think but why are they so important, am I being a doormat sitting here. Don’t they think I might have something interesting to say? Isn’t it up to me to look after my own self interests as obviously people are too self absorbed to care?

Not sure if it’s best to be the giver all the time or the taker too sometimes as your needs can be overlooked.

“When we know that all we had in the past was enough and all we have in the future is going to be enough, we can let go of our fears. When we get to that we truly accept ourselves unconditionally. Curiously, when we get to that stage, we have rediscovered our wide-eyed, non-judgmental four year old selves. Limitless life is stretched out in front of us again and it’s a very big playground.”

Lovely.

There's always a silver lining if you look hard enough; and there's always someone worse off. Count your blessings and accept the things you can't change.

Interesting thread and you sound such a lovely and thoughtful person OP.

I do think it's a mix of genetics,upbringing ,environment .My mum had many losses in her life and by the time she had her family had developed a very anxious and pessimistic outlook .

I've had the rug pulled out from under my feet a few times and not coped well or adapted .Now I have low expectations and struggle to look forward to things or to enjoy the here and now without mentally preparing myself for misfortune .
A bad habit ...any advice on breaking it ? I do ask myself "what's the worst that can happen ?" and am always able to mentally cope with any disasters my mind can cunger up.

Sorry I am late back to the thread.

Very sensible advice WhenPushComesToShove!

Zeal by "enough", are you talking about self confidence?

It's interesting you say "the more we ‘light touch’ positively with a greater number of people, the easier it is to find a home in this world". I'm not sure I understand and don't know how to phrase this without sounding negative ... I imagine you can avoid people's irritating traits if you don't engage with them too deeply, but also you won't experience the fulfillment of true friendship either. And isn't it a bit, well, superficial? A bit avoidant? (Sorry if that sounds rude!) Having said that, my friend was slightly reserved but I felt she knew me well nonetheless if that makes any sense at all!

It is difficult Peridito I was raised Catholic (strict, Irish version) and was raised to see life as a "vale of tears" and in one way that is good, because if you don't expect happiness, it is wonderful when it happens! And I have the same problem regarding positivity. (I think my Catholic childhood has quite a lot to do with that looking back, and like your mum, mine had had a difficult life too with eight siblings.). The things I do which help a bit are ; looking back to the things I dreaded and try to fix in my brain that they actually turned out ok and didn't merit the fear I invested in them and also spending long moments each day being around animals, who live in the here and now and are just happy "being"; the ultimate in mindfulness!

ididitsocanyou I understand what you are saying. The objective-focused person I mention below is positive, delightful, selfless, reliable, helpful, and rarely complains or talks about herself and people love her! But it does worry me sometimes (as I care about her a great deal) ^why^ people love her; do they love her real self, or do they love her because she allows them to speak while she listens, she doesn't ask anything of them, she generally makes life easy for people by facilitating things for them, never complains, she buoys everyone up etc etc? She is definitely a giver not a taker. And people love that!

Having said that, individuals are complex, and I know that she genuinely finds pleasure in helping others (I am more naturally selfish I'm afraid) and I think there is a tiny element of her liking some of the small elements of control that she has, and she would never accept help herself as she is quite independent.

As you say about your friends who talk about themselves all of the time without pause...there is definitely a balance to be struck ... and it's not right or helpful to them or you to be a doormat. It's easier to find the balance one to one than in a group though. I don't think it is lacking in positivity or grace to assert yourself politely.

Oh @Ribblechips I do like this

looking back to the things I dreaded and try to fix in my brain that they actually turned out ok and didn't merit the fear I invested in them and also spending long moments each day being around animals, who live in the here and now and are just happy

especially about animals ,I'm always saying ( half jokingingly) that keeping labradors would be so much better a choice than having children .Especially for people like me!