Why is it so frowned upon to be a bit sensitive?

[Invasionofthegutsnatchers]

Recently I went to a close family member's memorial service. I couldn't attend the actual burial and funeral due to covid restrictions. The day involved a lot of travelling. My DCs stayed at home with DH.

All day long my sibling (referred to as 'they' to reduce probability of being outed here) was praised by my parents and other family members for being resilient, strong and together. They were asked to do a reading. I wasn't asked as my family knew I would get emotional. I was fine with this as I didn't want to do it. However afterwards my sibling was heaped with praise. To be fair they did really well and I gladly told them that it was a great job. I was teased for crying (silently) during the service. I drew no attention to myself whatsoever.

My sibling has been more successful than me, in that we both wanted to study medicine but I realised that I would struggle with giving bad news to relatives etc as I'd be too emotionally involved. Instead I trained as a teacher. I'm really good at this, maybe because I'm tuned in to the emotional needs of my infant classes? Anyway my sibling is now a consultant and doing well. I'm genuinely proud of them. My sibling got a big leg up by going to a private school whereas I was at a low performing comprehensive. I got good grades but struggled at a level as I was taught to test. I got a mediocre degree due to low confidence, living it up clubbing and crippling anxiety.

Today I just felt like the black sheep of the family. I wear my heart on my sleeve, yes. I'm happy and bubbly a lot of the time, I share my successes and congratulate others on theirs. When things are hard I try to hide it but I can't always. I cry often. Why is this bad?

The trouble is, at a memorial service being overly emotional makes it difficult for other people.

If you’re inconsolable, your parents will be worrying about you, rather than thinking about the deceased or focusing on their own grief.

I’m not at all saying that you’re attention seeking - I’m sometimes a blubber and I know it can’t be helped - but it does get attention that sometimes people would rather focus elsewhere.

I think you’re getting relative amounts of emotions.ism mixed up with sibling rivalry — also, you have no idea how your sibling is feeling. You are judging it off the fact that he or she wasn’t crying at the service and managed a reading. He or she could be in terrible grief, but not necessarily want to break down all over other people — the job requires it, apart from anything else. No one wants a doctor to be crying as he or she breaks bad news.

Being a weepy type doesn’t necessarily mean you feel more deeply.

You sound like a lovely person and a great fit for a teacher. I'm sure you'd have hated medicine for the very reasons you give. It's not for many people. I couldn't do it. That's not to say your sibling is more successful than you just because they got the private education and the high flying career. What does 'success' mean after all? Maybe they're deeply stressed or unfulfilled inside.

And as for sensitivity being frowned upon... Perhaps it's that inherent British stiff upper lip thing that still lingers in some families. My dad shed a few very discreet tears at my wedding and was absolutely mortified for years afterwards 🤷🏻‍♀️

This doesn’t necessarily apply to you but I do think that often people who are very sensitive can be quite self centred with it. For example, easily finding offence in the actions or words of other people, assuming it to be about them. There are a few people in my life like this and it can be quite exhausting to deal with as you have to constantly check yourself to make sure you aren’t going to upset them inadvertently.

I see a bit of this in your OP, e.g. your parents praising your sister for her reading was fair, it’s about what she did, not about you and what you didn’t do. To avoid upsetting you, should people have ignored your sister’s contribution? That wouldn’t be fair.

I’m interested though as to why your sister was sent to a private school and you to a low performing comprehensive? Is there a backstory of unfair treatment from your parents?

I think in general, it’s the other way around, and people who keep their emotions private, are regarded as cold.

This is about your family, not wider society.

Fair points.

Family money came to light after I'd been through the secondary school system so my sibling benefited from the better education and seemed to sail through everything.

I recognise that they may have actually struggled, at the memorial service and also in general when we were younger, eg still at school.

I just feel that today ended up being all about them and I've tried so hard to overcome various obstacles eg anxiety, chronic illness etc and have finally regained my fitness and a decent career but will always be overshadowed by my sibling.

Tbh, your family dynamic sounds toxic and fairly fucked up.

That being said, it all depends how emotional you are and how you behave with it. Some people can be really hard work, making it all about them and adding extra workload (mentally,emotionally or practically) to the people around them as they try and manage outbursts,emotions etc.

I also praised my sibling fir the reading. They did a genuinely amazing job and I was proud of them. I just felt that afterwards the fawning over them and the mention that I could never be a doctor as I would cry too much being too harsh.

I'm really aware of trying not to be hard work.

Your sibling got the praise on that day as the attention was on them doing what they do best, acting with confidence.

I’m sure there are other occasions that you don’t know of where your parents and other family members praise your gentle nature, it’s just that you may not have been present when they said it.

Comparing yourself to your sibling is your doing not theirs.

I wasn't inconsolable. I cried silently with my mask on. I had waterproof mascara on. I went to the loos after the service and made myself presentable. I didn't draw attention to myself.

Whilst your sibling may have been given better life chances, I actually feel sorry for them today. They knew they were expected to read. They knew therefore that they had to hold it together. There was no choice. So they probably had to go into doctor mode to keep it together. Which is a great way of looking cool, calm, and professional. But a crap way to actually mourn and say your goodbyes. I know: I remember doing it at my grandma's funeral. Everyone said how well I did, but by putting myself in that mode, I distanced myself from truly saying goodbye.

At least you got to just be yourself.

I think the question about sensitivity is not really the issue here - it’s your family dynamics and your relationship with your sibling.

I don’t think that showing emotion is a bad thing. But there are times when resilience and strength are needed - you don’t really have any idea how hard it might have been for your sibling to do that reading but they were able to step up to the task. The memorial wasn’t about you, or your sibling - it was about remembering and celebrating the life of your family member.

OK. I've had hard times in my life. Infertility, depression, anxiety, living with an alcoholic, battling chronic illness. I don't feel weak. I've recently regained a lot of physical strength and am now fit and healthy.

The day was totally about my deceased relative. I was completely quiet and reserved and in my corner. I just felt afterwards that my sibling was mich more valued than me within our family and feel inferior as a result.

I'm not sure resilience has anything to do with crying or not crying, to some pp.

Im also sure that crying at a memorial service is 100% normal and why would it not be.

I expect you make an outstanding teacher. I'm sorry that you felt like the black sheep of the family. If you were my daughter, I would be immensely proud of you.

I massively respect my sibling for having the strength to do the reading.

@Unsure1983 you are very kind. Thank you

I can easily lead a singing assembly for 650 children plus their teachers. I can be responsible for 30 x 5 year olds and teach them through the pandemic, ensuring they make progress and looking after their emotional wellbeing.

But if I cry during a memorial service I'm not resilient.

?

@HeddaGarbled

I think in general, it’s the other way around, and people who keep their emotions private, are regarded as cold.

This is about your family, not wider society.

I agree. Crying at funerals, especially of people who weren't old, is sometimes expected and those who don't are considered strange.

Ok

But I don’t think anyone is saying that you’re not resilient because you cried during the memorial. That is totally normal and acceptable.

Thank you.

It feels like my family are through stark comparisons with my sibling. I just feel upset

You know. I did the eulogy at my mums funeral. I held it together. Just.

It was no shadow of a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done (with one exception, but in terms of being up in front of people it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done)

None of my siblings would step up and do it because they were too emotional so it was left to me to do it all. Because otherwise there wasn’t going to be a eulogy from anyone who really knew her.

It absolutely fucking sucked and broke me for a long time (and the night before, when they all sat around drinking and reminiscing and I had to write the fucking thing at home on my own).

I’m sorry you’re upset but what your sibling done was incredibly hard.

I’m mortified at my grammar.

Did. Not done.