Why is it so frowned upon to be a bit sensitive?

[Invasionofthegutsnatchers]

Recently I went to a close family member's memorial service. I couldn't attend the actual burial and funeral due to covid restrictions. The day involved a lot of travelling. My DCs stayed at home with DH.

All day long my sibling (referred to as 'they' to reduce probability of being outed here) was praised by my parents and other family members for being resilient, strong and together. They were asked to do a reading. I wasn't asked as my family knew I would get emotional. I was fine with this as I didn't want to do it. However afterwards my sibling was heaped with praise. To be fair they did really well and I gladly told them that it was a great job. I was teased for crying (silently) during the service. I drew no attention to myself whatsoever.

My sibling has been more successful than me, in that we both wanted to study medicine but I realised that I would struggle with giving bad news to relatives etc as I'd be too emotionally involved. Instead I trained as a teacher. I'm really good at this, maybe because I'm tuned in to the emotional needs of my infant classes? Anyway my sibling is now a consultant and doing well. I'm genuinely proud of them. My sibling got a big leg up by going to a private school whereas I was at a low performing comprehensive. I got good grades but struggled at a level as I was taught to test. I got a mediocre degree due to low confidence, living it up clubbing and crippling anxiety.

Today I just felt like the black sheep of the family. I wear my heart on my sleeve, yes. I'm happy and bubbly a lot of the time, I share my successes and congratulate others on theirs. When things are hard I try to hide it but I can't always. I cry often. Why is this bad?

Sorry for your loss but think you are being very hard on yourself.

Some people find strength in taking the bull by the horns, some other retreat to a safe place. Neither of them are wrong.

No one said you were not resilient or too sensitive, it is you telling unkind things to yourself.

Have you ever tried calling them out on it?

Crying is just a biological response. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Is your sibling a man or woman?

I am probably someone who would be described in a similar way to your sibling.

Holding it together and being able to manage the expression of emotion externally is a skill. Some have it, some don't. Some develop it through life. It is neither good nor bad. We are all different.

There's been times I've been crumbling on the inside but have been seen as resilient and strong on the outside. At funerals, at work, dealing with crises in public, and sadly in my own personal life, handling divorce, depression, illness, miscarriage and fertility. From the outside you would never have guessed.

I don't wear my heart on my sleeve but nor would I expect to be judged for it, either positively or negatively.

I think you need to park the sibling jealousy and just accept you are different people with different personalities, different strengths and different skill sets. You will feel better throughout life I'm sure if you can move forward without feeling this chip on your shoulder and sense of injustice.

Funerals are emotional and silently crying is not inappropriate. You are understandably upset by the comparisons with your sibling. People often fall back into family roles when with family which brings back old feelings.

Be proud of your achievements. Recognising your own strengths AND weaknesses is a massive strength in itself. You sound like a great teacher and should be proud of what you have achieved.

PP have already addressed the funeral and your family issues.

But outside of this who else has pulled you up? in most of life showing too much emotion inappropriately is a distraction. Someone crying randomly means that other people have to stop what they're doing and pay attention to them. If yelling/shouting at someone for example is rude/unprofessional so is crying. Unless there are mitigating circumstances.

At a funeral again completely appropriate.

I understand (I think) how you feel, but I agree that there are bigger issues lurking here. It might have been difficult for your sibling, too, if they knew they’d have to deliver the address because you wouldn’t, leaving them without a choice. Perhaps you interpreting praise for your sibling as implied criticism of you comes from your family history and dynamic.

People mention resilience, I think, because often it’s resilience that enables people to deal with their emotions and get on with whatever it is they need or want to do.

There’s nothing wrong with being sensitive or indeed crying when you’re sad or overly frustrated, particularly if it is done discreetly and without drawing attention. However that doesn’t seem to be your real issue - I agree with pp that this is about sibling rivalry and comparing your situation with your siblings. Your sibling did well at the memorial and provided support to family - that should be congratulated and it was - seems sensible. The rest of it about sailing through with better opportunities or being more suitable to medicine is just the way it goes. I suspect there’s also a bit of grief coming to play in this making you more sensitive to this issue. it’s easier to feel resentment towards a sibling and dredge up historical pain as you can’t resent the person who you’re going to miss.

To be very honest I was utterly fucked off with my siblings for not sharing the load and leaving it all to me.

It felt like everything was on my shoulders.

But one of us had to not opt out, had to step up

I was breaking inside and I broke before and after at home alone.

There were plenty of other family members to share the load. It's a big family. I offered help.in.other ways many times.

Why am.i.not strong because I feel emotions deeply?

How do you know your sibling doesn’t feel emotions deeply?

That’s actually pretty offensive towards your sibling. So because I wasn’t crying and stood up and did the eulogy I don’t feel the emotion of my mums death as much as my siblings? Come in, you must know that’s not fair.

I know that feeling emotions deeply and showing emotions deeply are different.

So a person may feel more deeply than me but show it less than me. I totally get that.

I told my sibling today that I was proud of them. Lots of other people did too which I was genuinely happy with.

Nobody seemed to acknowledge my feelings though and there was a very obvious discussion about the sibling being so suited to medicine for being able to control their feelings, be professional etc.

I wanted desperately to be a doctor but my anxiety put paid to that and hearing family members openly saying to me, oh you would have really struggled with that, you are too emotional, was hard.

Plus sibling drove to the event, I was never asked as I'm not a great driver.

My nose has been rubbed in it today and I feel sad.

Again, this sounds like long-standing family dynamics playing out.

Is it possible that what your family are trying to suggest is that, if you could develop some strategies and techniques for resilience, you might find life easier and happier?

It's interesting that you see all this as your 'nose being rubbed in it'. As an outsider what I read was:

• your sibling did something brave and difficult that you admit you couldn't do
• On the day your family praised your sibling for that, as did you
• Your sibling has a job you agree you would not have the right personality for
• you are upset your family felt the need to point this out in front of you, and you feel they admire being a doctor more than being a teacher
• your sibling had advantages growing up not because of favouritism but because they were younger and the money was available for a better education, which they took advantage of by doing well
• your sibling finds life easier (maybe, you can't be sure) because they don't have the anxiety or confidence issues you do
• you agree your sibling can drive better but feel hurt this means people prefer to drive with sibling than with you (even if it means passengers feel safer with sibling)

Overall, you feel your family don't praise you or acknowledge your feelings and achievements enough. You feel they judge you for being too sensitive and emotional and in comparison admire your sibling's ability to appear less emotional.

As a result of all this you probably ask for more attention, more recognition, more praise. When you don't get it, you step up the efforts and appear clingy and emotional, so they, not being keen on overt emotions, withdraw a bit. Which makes you frustrated and you keep pushing even harder. So they get put off by the neediness and withdraw even more. Can you see the cycle?

More importantly, can you find a way to break it? Maybe you are more hard work for your family than you realise. That's not to blame you, just to help you see that dynamic from a different perspective. Perhaps some counselling around that would help as otherwise I suspect you are bound to always feel unhappy with your family's reactions to you. As the saying goes, you can't change other people's behaviour, only your own.

Good post, @Gerwurtztraminer. OP, it would really be worth your while considering the validity of what it says.

@Gerwurtztraminer

It's interesting that you see all this as your 'nose being rubbed in it'. As an outsider what I read was:

• your sibling did something brave and difficult that you admit you couldn't do
• On the day your family praised your sibling for that, as did you
• Your sibling has a job you agree you would not have the right personality for
• you are upset your family felt the need to point this out in front of you, and you feel they admire being a doctor more than being a teacher
• your sibling had advantages growing up not because of favouritism but because they were younger and the money was available for a better education, which they took advantage of by doing well
• your sibling finds life easier (maybe, you can't be sure) because they don't have the anxiety or confidence issues you do
• you agree your sibling can drive better but feel hurt this means people prefer to drive with sibling than with you (even if it means passengers feel safer with sibling)

Overall, you feel your family don't praise you or acknowledge your feelings and achievements enough. You feel they judge you for being too sensitive and emotional and in comparison admire your sibling's ability to appear less emotional.

As a result of all this you probably ask for more attention, more recognition, more praise. When you don't get it, you step up the efforts and appear clingy and emotional, so they, not being keen on overt emotions, withdraw a bit. Which makes you frustrated and you keep pushing even harder. So they get put off by the neediness and withdraw even more. Can you see the cycle?

More importantly, can you find a way to break it? Maybe you are more hard work for your family than you realise. That's not to blame you, just to help you see that dynamic from a different perspective. Perhaps some counselling around that would help as otherwise I suspect you are bound to always feel unhappy with your family's reactions to you. As the saying goes, you can't change other people's behaviour, only your own.

Another one saying this is a good post!

I don't think sensitivity is frowned upon but I think people admire resilience as a trait. It's great to have some one in the family who can hold it together in a crisis and be a rock.

Your family must be high achievers if being a teacher means you're a black sheep.

Generally speaking a "black sheep" in my mind would be a drug user / alcoholic or someone who had been to prison. Not a professional with a degree!

Just saying so maybe you get some perspective and stop with the sibling rivalry.

You do sound as though you very much take things to heart- if you’re not a confident driver, surely it’s for the best that your family didn’t cause you anxiety by asking you to drive?

I was teased for crying (silently) during the service.

All else aside, this is shocking, and emotionally abusive, in my view.

The interesting thing about this thread is the acceptance of doctor as superior to teacher. Your job is just as valuable (arguably more so). Start to believe that.

@allycat4

The interesting thing about this thread is the acceptance of doctor as superior to teacher. Your job is just as valuable (arguably more so). Start to believe that.

I agree, I don't think it's a question of who is better or who has the better job.

You're both different and have taken different routes in life. Both jobs are respected and valuable to society.

Sounds like you're lacking confidence in yourself and your life.

Your family teased you for crying at a funeral, they don't sound very nice.