Why is it so frowned upon to be a bit sensitive?

[Invasionofthegutsnatchers]

Recently I went to a close family member's memorial service. I couldn't attend the actual burial and funeral due to covid restrictions. The day involved a lot of travelling. My DCs stayed at home with DH.

All day long my sibling (referred to as 'they' to reduce probability of being outed here) was praised by my parents and other family members for being resilient, strong and together. They were asked to do a reading. I wasn't asked as my family knew I would get emotional. I was fine with this as I didn't want to do it. However afterwards my sibling was heaped with praise. To be fair they did really well and I gladly told them that it was a great job. I was teased for crying (silently) during the service. I drew no attention to myself whatsoever.

My sibling has been more successful than me, in that we both wanted to study medicine but I realised that I would struggle with giving bad news to relatives etc as I'd be too emotionally involved. Instead I trained as a teacher. I'm really good at this, maybe because I'm tuned in to the emotional needs of my infant classes? Anyway my sibling is now a consultant and doing well. I'm genuinely proud of them. My sibling got a big leg up by going to a private school whereas I was at a low performing comprehensive. I got good grades but struggled at a level as I was taught to test. I got a mediocre degree due to low confidence, living it up clubbing and crippling anxiety.

Today I just felt like the black sheep of the family. I wear my heart on my sleeve, yes. I'm happy and bubbly a lot of the time, I share my successes and congratulate others on theirs. When things are hard I try to hide it but I can't always. I cry often. Why is this bad?

I think because most people have no gentility or manners so can’t accommodate people with more sensitive dispositions.
Surround yourself with quality people and ditch the ‘you’re too sensitive’ brigade, they don’t deserve you.

As a genereal response, people don't know how to respond to people demonstrating emotion and it makes them uncomfortable. Crying is just a response, it's absolutely no reflection of how resilient a person is.

More specifically, someone delivering a reading needs to be understood and their role is give comfort to others - it definitely requires someone who can put a lid of their emotions.

It sounds as though your family are guilty of only admiting superficial qualities though and that is what the issue is here.

When I was ten years old I went to my Grandads funeral and I was crying and my mother told me to shut up.
I still think about it now.

I am no consultant - I'm an (or was, as I am retired) SRCN (State Registered Children's Nurse). Innumerable people said to me. 'I couldn't do your job ------ I love children too much' 'Hmmmmmm!

Sometimes in life one trait is revered - at other times it is the other way round. I don't know if this has happened in your life BUT I suspect there have been times when your sister has been told something on the line of 'Well - it's ok for you because you are strong or something on those lines.

You are you, and that is great.

My brothers and sisters have made much more money than me. I have (slowly) learned to appreciate and value the different things I have given to the world that they haven't. AND I do sometimes still find it hard.

I just feel that today ended up being all about them and I've tried so hard to overcome various obstacles eg anxiety, chronic illness etc and have finally regained my fitness and a decent career but will always be overshadowed by my sibling.

What is this all about? Surely today was all about the deceased? Not your sibling or you.

What about all the rest of the grieving family were you able to comfort them?

I think your family’s dynamics is awful. It was perfectly possible to praise your sibling for the reading without making digs at you.

And you probably had different relationships with the deceased as you were older than your sibling. My sibling is older and she is much closer with wider family members. They were younger when she’s born and had more time/ space/ energy for relationship with her. She would probably more upset about their deaths whereas for me most of them are strangers basically.

I think you’re looking at this all wrong. My own observation is that the person who cries the most is not automatically the one who feels the most or is the most sensitive - in fact the opposite can be true.

People are not less sensitive or less feeling because they can hold it together to honour a loved one.

I also regularly break terrible news to people. I’m not less sensitive or less emotional because I can do it; I don’t lack emotional investment. I am capable of putting my emotions second whilst I do it. That’s a very very different thing.

It's certainly OK to cry at a funeral, I'm sorry you were teased about that!

It also sounds though like you didn't want your sibling to receive any praise for stepping up to do the reading and for driving? Even though you've admitted that those wouldn't be good roles for you? To.me it sounds like the comparisons were happening in your own mind... did anyone say "you're not resilient?" Or did they just say that you wouldn't be suited to such a task, which you have also admitted? Did you offer to do anything to help with the funeral that is in your wheelhouse?

Apart from this event, maybe you could share your accomplishments when you're excited about them so that other people know what you're up to and to give them an opportunity to recognize what you've done? "I'm really proud of how I managed my class during covid and I think I learned a lot from it" or "I was really nervous to lead the singing assembly for 650 students but it went really well and I'm glad I persevered"

What would the ideal outcome of the funeral been in your opinion?

I can imagine a family member teasing for crying easily. It is lightening the mood. My sister cried during a reading at my dad's funeral and we all laughed about it later. It is not necessarily unkind.

I think you are however predisposed to making this all about you and comparing yourself too much with your sister. Presumably she didn't become a doctor today, or even last week ? It is time to move on from this then isn't it?

It sounds to me you are not comfortable in your own skin and are looking for someone to blame for this. As an adult it is up to you to sort it out and move forward to be the person you want to be. Have you had any counseling?

I think teasing someone for crying during a funeral is absolutely fucking appalling. You give them a hug, not tease them. They sound like emotionally illiterate chumps.

I personally think it's absolutely wild that most people don't cry at funerals or memorials in this country. I think we do mourning really weirdly. I don't get the point if you can't share emotion of the loss of a person and never seeing them again. So to me being upset is perfectly normal and not what I'd call particularly sensitive. 1

I totally understand pp's points about being inconsolable or hysterical. But that's not the situation here or in most examples I can think if in my experience.

I think your experience is partly to do with how we do mourning in this country and part of the whole British stiff upper lip and lots of dysfunctional people who don't think they can show emotion.

I just remember at my uncle's funeral. My cousin, who was about 15, I was 21, let out a wail. My mum shot me a dirty look. I couldn't even cry, so I was really upset, partly because of the look and partly because she thought it was me.

You said yourself that you couldn’t handle the emotions of a medical career, in your first post?!

@MMMarmite

I was teased for crying (silently) during the service.

All else aside, this is shocking, and emotionally abusive, in my view.

This is exactly what I was about to say. Who mocks someone for crying at a funeral?? Your family do not sound very nice OP.

It sounds as if your sibling is the Golden Child, starting with the private school issue.

Is it all about you being more sensitive, or about general favouritism?

Teasing people about crying about a relative’s death is hardly kind.

But in general, ‘being sensitive’ is lovely and a great strength where is is being sensitive about other people. As you are about your pupils. Empathy.

People who are ‘sensitive’ about themselves, take every comment personally, get upset at the slightest criticism or situation that could be interpreted as a slight, can’t control their emotional responses to the extent that other people feel they have to tiptoe: pain in the arse. But then ‘sensitive ‘ covers a range of behaviour where people use it as a euphemism for self-absorbed.

Have pride and confidence in your own achievements OP.