My son is being bullied and I’m asking the bully to be moved class

[User090]

Is this unreasonable?

My son has started school after the summer holidays 2 weeks ago. We aren’t in England so our schools go back a little early. He is 9 and is in a composite class with 10 children in his age group and 20 of the other age group.

There is another class which has all of his age group. My son had 2 friends which left the school last year. Since then he’s been on the outskirts of a large friend group but has one friend in particular within this group and is in his class.

Also within this group is a boy who has continually picked on my son. In May I spoke to the head teacher as my son was choked for absolutely no reason by this boy in the playground. I emailed the head teacher who then called me and the boy was removed feom the school and warned.

The very next day my son was told to shut up otherwise he would be choked again.

The summer holidays started and all was well. My son started back school and came home everyday with minor tales on this boy, things like the boy telling him he can’t stand there go to the back of the line, drawing on his work, nipping his hand etc.

The other day I got a call feom the head teacher telling me there was an incident in class and my son was head butted. I said who was it? The head teacher said “I can’t really tell you”. I said was it ? (The known bully).

The head teacher totally down played the situation and said the boy is usually lovely and he just had an off moment. I went to meet the head teacher with the list of incidents that happened since starting school.

She recognised it was bullying. The boys mother came for a meeting. The head teacher suggested my son was moved into the other class. I said no as my sons only friend is in his class and rather the bully should move.

The head teacher said she would discuss with his parent and the other boy but the boy doesn’t want to move class.

My son says he’s nervous and worried as he didn’t expect it to happen. When I collected my son he had an ice pack and still had a red bump on his head.

I have a meeting tomorrow and want to insist the boy is removed as I don’t feel my son is safe given the head butt happened in a classroom.

Is this likely to happen or what are my options?

It is one boy, not two. I made a typo - the boy was removed from the class and spoken to. Not removed from the school.

Op I think you also need to take into consideration the cultural perspectives of the country you are living in.
But also the bullying needs to stop.
Definitely take your son to the Gp and if possible get him some therapy to help with his confidence. I would also be explaining clearly that you will be going to the police if there are any further incidents.
If you can bring your DH to the meeting. Sadly schools tend to take things more seriously if the Dad is there.

I kept my child away from school as they wanted her to move classes, and not the boy who assaulted her as apparently moving him was more challenging. It took a 3-day stand-off but eventually he was moved. Stand firm OP, it sends totally the wrong message to the child if they have to move.

Strangling and head butting to me are not silly spats they are full on assaults and the bully at age 9/10 is more than capable of understanding that violent behaviour towards another child is wrong!

What does it take to get a child expelled?

I really feel for you. We were in a similar situation last year. School didn't feel that changing classes sent out the right message and made murmurs, but it didn't sit right with me. I was lucky enough to be able to offer DC a spot in the private school I work in, so they changed schools and has thrived.

It was awful to feel so helpless while your child goes through this nightmare. I felt like I was sending a lamb to slaughter.

We live in Scotland so there isn’t much cultural differences, just wanted to explain the early return to school as we aren’t in England.

DS was attacked ( punching , kicking, physically attacking) almost 2 years ago now, just after he started year 7. The boy is unstable, he has various mental health issues and my son is not the only one he’s done it too.. DS has autism and finds it hard to make friends, so he was in classes with many of his friends that came up from his primary school. They tried to ask us if my son would like to move to the other side of the the year as opposed to moving the other boy. We stood our ground and he got moved . It’s not been easy sailing as the school have had to make sure they are not in classes any where near each other. After COVID and they returned last September, they moved my son to the other half of the year, stating some people were getting moved around and he was one of them... we later found out it was because the other boy had a similar incident with some kids so couldn’t be on that half. I was naturally pissed off as they had got thier own way but it turned out fine as my son only goes to a few classes a week and spends most of his time with 3 other kids and a teacher.... he’s quite happy with this and also the classes he does go to have people he knows. They are getting the boy moved out as they can’t support him anymore but it’s taking longer than expected and it’s having an impact on my sons school experience. We kept nagging them and they started doing something, the attack wasn’t the first incident and after that they had to do something.
Fingers crossed it works out for you and your son.

The mother of the other child should have no say in this, it's up to the school if they want to move her child. I'd kick up a real stink if I were you. Demand a plan of action (number 1 the other boy is moved to the other class) how are they going to protect your child at playtime etc, what sanctions are in place if another incident occurs. Threaten to go to the governors, police and Ofsted. Final piece of advice, write down everything you want to say and insist you have your say and don't let the HT browbeat you. Good luck, hope it goes well.

I’ve honestly never found a school that has a genuine handle on bullying. They have policies and procedures that make the right noises, but in reality they do very little. My son was assaulted and suffered racist / ableist abuse on multiple occasions, with next to no consequences for the perpetrator. I ended up pulling him out and home educating, which he is thriving with, but so much damage was done to his confidence and mental health.
I think you’re absolutely right to push for the other boy to be moved, but I think you’ll have a fight on your hands.

@User090, what my sons bully did was a criminal offence. I made sure the head was aware I knew it was a matter I could go to the police over if the school didn't act appropriately to keep him safe.

I also informed them I would go to the police immediately if there was any repetition. The bullies parents would have been mortified if I'd reported it, so didn't resist him being moved.

I realise it is slightly different but ACAS guidance for workplace bullying and harassment states that if the parties need to be separated the employer should avoid moving the ‘victim’ as it might be construed that they are being punished for complaining ( I have condensed this).

I would stand firm for your son.

The school have accepted that a move of class is feasible. They should remove the aggressor.

I feel for your son. From the age of around 8 until just before he was 10 a known bully picked on my son, although it was mostly threats.

When the bully eventually launched an all out attack from behind my son managed to get the better of him and as they tussled swung him round and he went head first into a wall.
My son did run away after that as like most bullies the other boy had his cronies around, but he never touched my son again.

My son had stopped being frightened on the basis of ‘ I beat him once and can do so again’ ( I am not sure that would have been the case, but thankfully it was never put to the test).

Bullies like their victims to be afraid of them, and not hit back.

I'd move schools tbh. Have a fresh start. I'd ensure he was also going to a different senior school

Can you make a complaint to the Ofsted equivalent in your region?

You poor son! He is only 9.

I'm so sorry. Xx

"the boy doesn’t want to move class" tough sh*t! When you're a horrid little bully what you want is not a priority. But even if the bully was moved to a different class what would happen in corridors, playgrounds, after school etc.

Sorry no answers. I hope you get sorted. Xx

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this, and my thoughts go out to your son for having to endure this bullying. I'm also in Scotland and have dealt with similar, thankfully I managed to sort the issue due to the primary school being very proactive and having a zero tolerance to bullying within the school.

Please ask to see the schools anti-bullying policy (I believe the Scottish government recommend all schools should have one in place).

Www.RespectMe.org.uk is very useful.

Your local authority usually have info on line too about how to deal with bullying in the school.

Also, loads of information on here :
www.gov.scot/publications/supplementary-guidance-recording-monitoring-bullying-incidents-schools/pages/2/

Try to log down any dates/times if you can.

And do not back down. The school has a duty of care to protect him especially as its been brought to the headteachers attention.

Youve probably looked at these websites before, I do hope that the info can help you out.

All the best to you and your boy.

Totally agree with pp about expelling or at the very least excluding him for a period of time, however I am not sure moving him will do much as he can still cause problems in the playground. If the head refuses to do anything I would go to the school governers.

@User090 I'm so sorry your son is experiencing bullying. No child should ever have to put up with that. My own son was bullied for a few years early in secondary school, from my experience document everything, make sure the head teacher and governors are copied in (in England as soon as the head teacher is made aware I believe it is reportable/visible to ofsted so they tend to take it more seriously). Definitely get a copy of the anti bullying policy, the school may well have a community police officer attached to it, so may be worth seeing if you can speak with them and whether they can do any assemblies etc
I did manage to find an anti bullying course run by a charity Kidscape www.kidscape.org.uk/kidscape-programmes/

It was a day workshop for my son with half a day for me. They looked at why bullying happens, some coping techniques etc and is parents got to share experiences and understand the most effective ways to get things to change. Not sure if they are only and England based charity but there may be an equivalent.

I too was pushing for the bully to move but my son decided that he wanted to move as he felt the bully had so many friends in the class that he would be hanging around the classroom in the mornings and at breaks so it wouldn't get any better.

Stick to your guns! Your little one has a great mum fighting his corner. Just remembered one key thing is to say your son is the "target" of bullying, they recommend never using "victim" as that has negative overtones

I am so angry on your behalf that your son is being treated like this by some little shit. I don’t know the protocols but know what you want the outcome to be and go in touch - lay it on thick, tell him about the impact it’s having on your sons health and say how your sons mental health could decline if he’s moved away from his friend . Why should your son be punished and not the Bully? Make it crystal clear your son does not want to be moved - the bully needs to be moved. Fight for this - at the end of the day worst case scenario is they can say is no , but I would give it my best shot if I were you.

Meant go in TOUGH not touch

I'd let your DC know that while violence is wrong, he has the right to physically defend himself if he is being attacked. I would also teach him some defensive moves to do this, like striking the other boy's nose with the palm of his hand. He should never be the aggressor but he is entitled to defend himself.

He might be legally entitled to defend himself but it will only get him into trouble if it happens at school. Make sure your son knows you support him totally and then escalate at the school - if necessary, keep him off for a week and write to the headteacher and the Head of the Board of Governors listing the incidents and saying that you will report any further attacks to the police. Neither boy should be moved as this only sweeps it under the carpet and your son will still be at risk at playtime. They must stop the bullying and they need to tell you how they propose to do this. I hope your son is OK.

I would write to the board of directors or governors whichever there is if both then both

I would insist on this why should your son be punished? Will they still have the same play time, will the bully be even more irate?

How awful I'm so sorry

Where is the boy at the moment is he back at school?

Yes he is at school. He wasn’t suspended. My son has been off since due to illness.

When my son was getting hassled at school I had a chat with the deputy head. She's a very experienced teacher and really lovely woman. She explained that they have to look at the whole picture and might be privy to information that they can't and shouldn't divulge about the ”bully” child, that explains why a move to another class, suspension or expulsion shouldn't happen. For example, the child is under a Child Protection Order because they were being abused at home. The bad behaviour becomes a coping mechanism and the more they need to cope with the worse the bad behaviour becomes. It doesn't protect the child who is being bullied but it explains why schools can sometimes feel a bit powerless as to what to do with the bully who is also potentially a victim. It wasn't the case with my son's nemesis so she wasn't telling me anything she she shouldn't, we were just having a chat about schools and bullying in general.

The Head sounds really weak and like she's trying to do whatever makes her life easiest rather than trying to protect your son from harm. If the boy was strangling and headbutting her I bet she'd be more interested in putting a stop to it. I agree why should the kids who are assaulted have to move. It's pathetic of the Head just to say the bully doesn't want to move. Neither does your son. Say you'll have to involve the police if she can't protect your son from being strangled and headbutted while in her care.