Overbearing friend - would you lie?

[FanFiction]

During lockdown, I grew closer to a friend. She is very positive and assertive, so it was great to go for walks, swap books, etc. with someone so forthright and energetic, but the negative side is that I learnt during our time spent together that she is also highly competitive, opinionated, and, I would say, controlling. She was away all summer (not English) so in her absence I’ve decided to create some distance. Also, maybe some of her behaviours are cultural.

On her return, she expected me to drop everything and meet her. I was busy early this week but said another friend suggested me doing an activity with him on Thurs/Fri.

She immediately said that Thursday is better for her. I repeated that I wanted to keep those 2 days free for the activity. Activity-friend popped by unexpectedly yesterday on his way home (he lives near me, she doesn’t) and as we had a few hours over coffee, he didn’t mention his activity again. It’s not a one off, it’s a particular hike we do, sometimes together & sometimes apart.

I just know that overbearing-friend will contact me this morning, suggesting today again. I hate lying but equally I don’t want to see her today.

WWYD?

There’s a whole load more besides, but my question is - should I lie today & just make her believe I’m still doing the activity? That feels awkward & I hate lying.

How do I create distance? I do like her, but for the sake of my sanity, I need to redress the powder balance.

You’re overthinking this. Just say you’re busy.

It doesn’t sound like you actually want to be friends with this lady. So why bother.

Absolutely lie. Some people just don't hear what they don't want to hear.

I am in the same position as you op - got a friend who constantly wants to know what l am doing and if l dare tell her l have no plans she immediately starts arranging for us to meet .
I am slowly pulling away from her because l see her quite a lot due to the kids but the truth is l am bored of her because every time l see her we have the same conversation and l find her very suffocating.
Definitely let her think you are still doing the activity and if she asks how it went then say oh we didn't end up going.
Start putting some boundaries in.

Yes be strong and say no.

@NewIdeasToday

You’re overthinking this. Just say you’re busy.

It doesn’t sound like you actually want to be friends with this lady. So why bother.

I don’t think I am overthinking, no. I do want to be friends with her, but I don’t like it when she tries to control me.

@NewIdeasToday

You’re overthinking this. Just say you’re busy.

It doesn’t sound like you actually want to be friends with this lady. So why bother.

I agree op might be overthinking this but just because you don't want to spend every day with someone, it doesn't mean you don't want to be friends with them at all - needs to just be a healthy balance l think

Why are you not able to tell her that you already set today aside for the hike? why are you not capable of reminding her of something you already told her?

Thank you… I’m so torn! I have a lot to get on with here, so will press on with my stuff and will keep saying no. I said Friday in all my texts so if she’s choosing to not hear that, it’s her issue & not mine…

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin You too! It’s really hard with these friends. I like her very much, but the same qualities that make her strong, positive, opportunity-spotting, can make her forthright and controlling of me. She has a slightly critical edge to some of the things I do, so I’ve had to step up my boundaries with her big time.

Don't lie.
Just say you are busy/ today isn't a good day..

Just say you’re not available today, no need to lie or make up an excuse.

@KaptainKaveman

Why are you not able to tell her that you already set today aside for the hike? why are you not capable of reminding her of something you already told her?

I’ve already told her on several occasions, but for some reason, she’s not hearing it.

"Today isn't great for me but I'm still available tomorrow if that suits you?"

Easy...

Yes, I think I will do that - rather than lying say that today’s not a good day & that I am not free.

She makes me feel bad, I think this is it. It is true that I have a lot of things to get on with, but it’s also true that I could make time in my day. However, it’s a bit of a drive in to see her, so eats into the afternoon, and I would come away feeling resentful.

Now I really am overthinking!

Thanks for advice.

Lie or ignore.

I'd Ignore the message until friday AM then say your phone was lost or thursday was mad busy and you didnt get a chance to reply.

However messaging this many times to insisting on meeting on a thursday isnt normal.

I have a friend who misleads people about what she’s doing. No one would mind a bit if she said she was taking a day to herself, busy at home, just plain unavailable but instead she makes an excuse and is always found out. Though we don’t raise it with her, it is quite hurtful that she can’t just say thanks but no thanks.

Don’t lie, you’ll just get yourself in a muddle and risk causing more offence.

Yes, @Hopdathelf That’s what I feel awkward about. I’m not a flaky person and hate being on the receiving end for lies and changes of plans.

The problem is that this friend doesn’t hear me when I say I want to get on with my own stuff. She either makes me feel guilty or just talks over/ignores my plan. I need to work on my boundaries with her & just tell her the truth. Honesty is the best policy, I think.

"Can't today, but how about [coffee] on [Saturday]?" or whatever.

I have a friend who I really like seeing now and again but can't spend a lot of time with her so I get it OP.

You don't have to explain what your plans are, just make yourself unavailable ,say you can't do a certain day, next week is mad busy, what about Thursday? Make it work for you.

I have a friend who has the hide of a rhino. You just have to be very clear with her "No, I CAN'T do Thursday. Do you want to do Friday?"

But I don't fully understand the thing about wanting to keep Thursday and Friday open, and waiting over a few hours chat with your other friend to see whether he mentioned a walk again, which he didn't. You could also have been clearer with him and said "So are we going on this walk or not?".

If you don't want to see her this week that's fine, say "I'm busy, but love to see you next week".

Just say

'Today isn't good for me'

If she asks why

'I'm taking some time for me'

If she pushes again

'I said no'

If you're not bothered about staying friends with her then you can start to get a bit more forceful and blunt

Take control of when you want to see her. Come to an agreement that next week at xx we will do this. Then if she keeps asking to meet earlier say you're busy.

In your first post you said

She immediately said that Thursday is better for her. I repeated that I wanted to keep those 2 days free for the activity.

Later you said

I said Friday in all my texts so if she’s choosing to not hear that, it’s her issue & not mine…

Maybe you need to be clearer with her when you are available or not

I was perfectly clear, I said
“I need to keep Thurs & Fri clear for x as we are doing y, depending on the weather.”

She later replied after other texts where I say it’s prob happening on Thurs, let’s you & i meet Friday…

“Thursday is better for me.”

Oops hit post too soon. Obviously I can’t go into the full details of every message on here, but I was clear that I thought we would go on Thurs and therefore she & i could meet Fri. In the meantime she’s logged in every day to check I’m doing the things I say I’m doing. It’s overbearing.

Well it's not good for me. Can you do Friday? If not, what about next week?