Overbearing friend - would you lie?

[FanFiction]

During lockdown, I grew closer to a friend. She is very positive and assertive, so it was great to go for walks, swap books, etc. with someone so forthright and energetic, but the negative side is that I learnt during our time spent together that she is also highly competitive, opinionated, and, I would say, controlling. She was away all summer (not English) so in her absence I’ve decided to create some distance. Also, maybe some of her behaviours are cultural.

On her return, she expected me to drop everything and meet her. I was busy early this week but said another friend suggested me doing an activity with him on Thurs/Fri.

She immediately said that Thursday is better for her. I repeated that I wanted to keep those 2 days free for the activity. Activity-friend popped by unexpectedly yesterday on his way home (he lives near me, she doesn’t) and as we had a few hours over coffee, he didn’t mention his activity again. It’s not a one off, it’s a particular hike we do, sometimes together & sometimes apart.

I just know that overbearing-friend will contact me this morning, suggesting today again. I hate lying but equally I don’t want to see her today.

WWYD?

There’s a whole load more besides, but my question is - should I lie today & just make her believe I’m still doing the activity? That feels awkward & I hate lying.

How do I create distance? I do like her, but for the sake of my sanity, I need to redress the powder balance.

I would respond

"If Friday doesn't work for you than how about x day next week instead?"

Every time she hassles you then offer a her a date further into the future.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I have a friend who has the hide of a rhino. You just have to be very clear with her "No, I CAN'T do Thursday. Do you want to do Friday?"

But I don't fully understand the thing about wanting to keep Thursday and Friday open, and waiting over a few hours chat with your other friend to see whether he mentioned a walk again, which he didn't. You could also have been clearer with him and said "So are we going on this walk or not?".

If you don't want to see her this week that's fine, say "I'm busy, but love to see you next week".

We were keeping an eye out for the weather. It wasn’t a particularly firm plan with him - he said “I’m thinking of going to x on Thurs or Fri. Join me, if you’re free?” I said I’d like to - if i was free. He popped by unexpectedly yesterday later in the day & stayed a few hours and it didn’t seem necessary to raise it. I have a different relationship with him - we are pretty close & he will WhatsApp me at last minute as he swings by my house. We live close by.

Yes, maybe I should have been more clear to her - “I want to keep those days free in case I feel like going with x to y”.

That feels like very hard work!

I have a friend who doesn't take no as an answer and will come up with more and more suggestions as how to make it work.

It is draining. I have had to be very blunt to get my point across

OP, she sounds exhausting.

In response to her 'Thursday is better for me' message, just reply with 'As I said, I can't do Thursday so shall we leave it this week and arrange a time for next week?'

A completely normal, considered response - just don't give her room to try and manoeuvre you into doing something you don't want to. You don't have to justify a single thing - it's your time and however you chose to spend it is absolutely fine.

Yes! Thank you all.

It’s good to have it confirmed. She is vvv exhausting. I think I will exercise another option, which is to stop answering her! I don’t need to text her back so quickly/at all all the time.

Will def be clearer with boundaries.

Funnily enough, I was in a similar position recently!

I also hate being flakey and I always respond to messages, so I couldn't bring myself to be twatty and ignore her. I ended up having to cancel a vague date with her though after a similar conversation to the one you're having with your friend. I was sort of saying, "we are doing this on this day and you can come with us", but she was saying she wanted to do something else and I just got fed up trying to organise anything with someone who just wasn't listening.

She has, on occasion, been a tiny bit mean about one of my dcs and my DH. Nothing terrible, but the fact is, I don't know her well enough or like her enough to tolerate that from her. I think she just shares her opinions very freely and although there's nothing wrong with that, I just knew she wasn't someone I wanted to have a close friendship with.

Are you quite a passive person, OP? Aside from your feeling you need to explain yourself unduly to your 'overbearing' friend rather than simply saying when you're available to see her, you were keeping two days free to to do a hike with your other friend, but you say that when he dropped in unexpctedly, he didn't mention it, so you didn't either.

"Never apologise and never explain " about your alternative plans.

Just keep going back to "Thursday doesn't work for me, unfortunately ".

If you make yourself available to justify your diary, you will continue to do it. Just repeat, to every unwanted challenge, "sorry, that doesn't work for me" .How about x day? Make a point of not explaining or justifying yourself.

A counsellor once told me that nobody makes you feel anything, that you have to take ownership of your own feelings. She isn't making g you feel anything-You are making you. This is easily resolved by good boundaries and saying no without justifying.

No, @LargeBouquet, I am bit a passive person at all. I think I did explain that hike-walk friend & I have a different style of friendship. The hike wasn’t an issue, I know he’ll still call me if he goes & wants the company. He won’t be offended if I say no. It didn’t get mentioned because we were busy catching up & he invited me to the pub last night as well, so it just wasn’t an issue that neither of us discussed it.

Passive is most certainly not a word that others use to describe me!

I’d lie to keep the peace.

But it’s hard work to keep lying, and when I tried to redress the balance with a friend like this during the Summer, she got upset, booked what she wanted to do anyway, and hasn’t talked to me since I said I couldn’t do that day.

I’m not telling you this to put you off building boundaries, but that she may not want or be able to accept them. I wish I hadn’t wasted years trying to fight needing to do it and hoping she’d clock on, I think it’s made it all more painful.

Ps Some people will ask you , "what are you doing on x date? So you reveal you are free before they say why. That can remove control from you, if you're not comfortable to just say no thanks.

Don't go there. Just say, why, what were you thinking? Therefore you remain in control, and can say something doesn't work without revealing why.

Your diary and plans are your business, nobody else's. The discussion should just be about your availability.

Sorry you are having similar, @AlrightThereSkippy!

It’s so hard! I hate being flaky, I hate lying, and I hate not having a clear plan when I am on the receiving end.

I think mine is a combination of cultural differences, personality traits, plus I know she is bored & that prob gives her more time to text.

I’ve realised these people don’t respond well to “sort of saying” or rough plans. They need fixed dates & times do that there is a boundary. During the lockdowns, I was more available to drop stuff and also I was staying nearer to her, so we could just cycle in. She probably got used to that level of my availability & now she’s expecting it.

Like yours, mine has sometimes displayed a critical attitude towards one of my dcs. I think she sees herself as having stepped into some maternal role, also offering advice about my projects when i don’t ask for it, on my clothes, etc. In her eyes, it’s caring, but I am not used to that level or type of care.

Yes, in conjunction with sharing her opinions very freely, it comes across as suffocating. Same here, this wasn’t really someone I wanted to have a close friendship with, it just happened that our paths (literally) crossed over lockdown.

Definitely time to create space! I have opened up my wider social circle a bit more & work has become busy again, so that is helpful.

I would be attending really closely to how you feel about her - suffocated / controlled / not listened to etc and then take responsibility to put in v v firm boundaries to release this pressure - this is no way to have a friendship.

If she is difficult to manage can you agree that you schedule the same time and date once a month / fortnight - whatever suits you - then you won’t be pestered.

If someone ignores what you have already told them repeatedly on text then either ignore until they re read or refer back to the text - “see my message at 2:22)”

I am feeling railroaded on yo behalf.

Don’t worry about pushing back - she will have experienced this most of her life - she just can’t believe you haven’t.

With someone so challenging you need loads of contingency room - so if you think you can tolerate her once a fortnight - make sure that you only schedule once a month.

I suspect that if you look around and behind her you will see a lot of failed relationships - the clue is that she has so much time to bother you as everyone else has swerved her.

@Tinpotspectator That is BRILLIANT advice. Wow, thank you so much! How true. I don’t have to own it. If I say I can’t meet her, she gets sulky sometimes and posts pics of herself on social media “Did this by myself” or “Alone again” but I refuse to own that. It’s not my guilt. I don’t need to be there for her all the time, and maybe she can accept that sometimes, time alone is good, too.

I love your suggestion re diary planning. She does ask like that, yes, or she will say “I’m doing x on y day” with the expectation that I should drop stuff to be there. It’s not how it works! I think I need to put things in place to make her realise that. The things she suggests get increasingly flamboyant, too, so I am made to feel like I can’t say no. Hmm yes, I don’t need to own that. I can feel however I like.

Thanks! It’s funny how occasionally, the odd friend can bring out these feelings.

Sometimes your plans are just staying home and having a chill day.

There is nothing wrong with stating I'm not free need to chill alone alone but how about x best week/the week after that.

It's not being "flaky" or "lying".

You have already told her that you want to keep Thursday and Friday free for something else.

Which bit of this very simple sentence does she not understand?

Agree with @Tinpotspectator advice. It's all about boundaries but having said that, it's not easy to suddenly be great at boundaries, it takes practice. So if you end up doing something you don't really want to do, it doesn't mean you have failed, it just means you are still practising.

@myotherusernameistaken

It's not being "flaky" or "lying".

You have already told her that you want to keep Thursday and Friday free for something else.

Which bit of this very simple sentence does she not understand?

It is lying if I tell her I’m still going with my male friend for a hike today, when I’m not.

Agree!

@Sssloou Funnily enough, I was just thinking about the same. She has fallen out/not seen other friends & often complains, but I can understand why. Railroaded is accurate! She is used to micromanaging her kids and I think it transfers to friendships. Perfect advice. Yes, I need to organise her in more manageable form.

@RandomMess I am certainly going to practice saying that, too…

Try not to give her details, just say you're busy. If she asks what you're doing, ignore and don't reply
Brilliant advice from @Tinpotspectator. I've fallen for that tactic a few times 😁

It is lying if I tell her I’m still going with my male friend for a hike today, when I’m not.

But you don't need to say this.

You just say "I have already told you that I want to keep today and tomorrow free"

I have a friend like this. She will always ask what I'm doing on a particular date/ day/ tomorrow and then if I don't have plans she will 'book' me in. I find it annoying as I would say to someone 'would you like to get coffee on Saturday?' not 'what are you doing on Saturday?'. If I am doing something she will ask what time and then try to arrange something for before or after. It's hard to explain, she just has a really intense way of communicating.
I have learned to be as vague as possible!

I don't think you like her OP. You clearly don't agree but you are coming across as really passive aggressive on this thread. She may be controlling but you are falling into being controlled, surely, otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread? Maybe step back and think about if this is the relationship that you want. She is how she is, she doesn't have to change for you. If you don't want this, then that's ok, sometimes friendships end.

I think you are making this way more over complicated than it needs be! You don't need to let others know every little thing you are doing !

I think you complicated things to start by saying you were maybe doing something Thursday or Friday, then changed saying Friday better for you. You haven't told her you've got a set thing happening so I can see why she may think you can swap your loose arrangement for Thursday/ Friday .

It would have been easier to simply say you are busy this week but you can do next .

It's also perfectly reasonable to say to someone that when you've had a busy week with activities every other day that you need a day to catch up at home and just chill.

The problem isn’t an overbearing friend but your lacking confidence to say what you feel.

You do not have to say you are doing this or that. You say, I don’t want to meet up today or on such and such a day and you do not have to say why.

If you want to be less blunt you can just say ‘I’m busy.’