I wish I could start again. Anyone else feel the same?

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

I'm just no good at life. I wish I could try again.

What would you change if you could start again that you think you can’t change now?

Things get much more complicated as time goes on. I hate where I live for example, why didn't I move in my early 20s when I could have just packed a bag and found a room. Now I'd pack up a house, find a place suitable for my kids, change their schools, quit their hobbies, find a new job, somehow convince my DH to change jobs, etc. It seems overwhelming.

I hate my job and I'm terrible at it, but a 20 year old who isn't very good is totally normal but a 40 year old isn't.

Everything can't be changed or fixed.

I could have written what you've written @TreeSmuggler

Had an interview today, got rejected, not easy to change things. Just feel all washed up.

I restarted my life when I was 36 . I had no qualifications, had 3 teenagers and both my husband and myself were in low paid jobs .
I decided to enter nursing and did an entrance exam to get accepted. I qualified before I was 40 and was straight away on a decent wage. Meanwhile my husband also got a management position in his company and our joint income almost doubled .We started living better, going out with friends and taking 2 foreign holidays a year . My husband died 14 years ago when I was 54 and I'm retired now but I have enough money for a lovely retirement.
I don't think that you are ever too old to make improvements in your life . Good luck and take care x

Good on you for going for it though, @lannistunut. Bummer that you didn't get it but you tried and that's something.

Start again.
I did and every now and then have a reset.
Like Mr Benn visiting the fancy dress shop and finding out who he’s going to be that day.

I haven’t posted here because it would take a year to set down all the things I wish I could have done differently. And why.

But if anyone here feels this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/4327788-Is-there-a-specific-Mature-Study-Retraining-board?msgid=110096218

might be of interest, you’d be very welcome. Lots of people trying to re-make their lives.

(We were trying to get a separate board.))

I’ve made some really really terrible choices over the years, with jobs, with learning, with men, with my children, I’ve wasted so much time. But they’ve all led me to here where I’m living my best life now in my 40s. Ten years ago I decided to move to a nicer town for the kids. I also made a five year plan two years ago with work stuff and progression and I’ve nailed it in under two as just been promoted this week.
I’m in a home I love, with my fantastic DH, we live a simple life, it’s not flash at all. I’ll never own my own home, or be rich, but that isn’t me. I get to travel occasionally and go on adventures.

Omg yes!!!

I chose A-levels that sounded impressive rather than what I was good at so performed poorly.

I wish I'd gone to university.

I wish I hadn't married my husband.

But I do love my children

@Mindyourbusiness22 i just wish I'd been young. I was too sensible and too scared. I was always the one to turn down invites. Always the one to say I couldn't afford it. My parents were terribly overbearing and protective. I was never allowed to take risks or make mistakes. I felt afraid of the world really.

Now I'm 33 and with 2 small children going out is so hard. I'm never going to be able to do that single girls holiday thing.

Even opposite decisions would have led to some regret for everyone. I don't think anyone has no regrets at all.
However I radically changed my life a few years ago, I was very unhappy and completely lost.
I feel like I now have the life I was meant to have and I am me again. I'm early 50s and enjoying the present and looking forward to the future so it's never too late.

I spent my entire childhood being told by my mother that I was no good at anything. She used to sit and chat loudly to her friends on the phone telling them how useless I was. It was awful but it really got stuck in my head so that’s what I’ve always believed about myself. That I am useless. I’ve had such low self esteem ever since and it’s affected everything I’ve ever done since.
I think if I could go back and do it all again differently I would but realistically if my mother was still the same my life wouldn’t change.

Same here Pumpkinseed always told I was fundamentally unlikeable and should have been drowned at birth. When I could I moved far, far away which helped.However, I've flipped flopped through life with "I'll show her" and get on in life with just feeling like an imposter when anything good happens and feeling it's all about to turn to crap. I spend most of my life feeling a bit "on edge" and that I never do things right.

[quote DueyCheatemAndHow]@Mindyourbusiness22 i just wish I'd been young. I was too sensible and too scared. I was always the one to turn down invites. Always the one to say I couldn't afford it. My parents were terribly overbearing and protective. I was never allowed to take risks or make mistakes. I felt afraid of the world really.

Now I'm 33 and with 2 small children going out is so hard. I'm never going to be able to do that single girls holiday thing.[/quote]
33?! The way I’ve been reading I thought you’re time was almost over 🤣

Good grief woman pull yourself together! I’d hate to be in my 20s now, covid has pretty much put a stop to all kinds of fun. Dating is a while new ball game. Going out is IG influencer wannabes 🤣

You can still go out and have fun with your friends, just maybe not every weekend, but if this is something that you miss and us important to you then make time for it.

You can still go on holiday, not sure what you mean by single girls holiday - as in one night stand? Then no you can’t unless your partner is on board what that kind of thing. I’m 34 this year and my friends and I who have children still manage to go on days/nights out, meals, weekends away. I’ve not been on holiday with friends for about 5 years, but that’s my choice, I’d rather go away with my partner everytime.

Life is what you make of it. You are only 33!!

I would absolutely love to start again. I compromised on so many things that I now realise were really important to me. I feel as if somewhere out there someone else is living the life I should have had.

I can't change anything because I have a family who are settled and happy, but I'm living in the wrong city and doing the wrong job and feel trapped most days.

I feel as if I have totally lost myself. I don't know how else to put it.

Your life is only boring because you are. Start being interesting and stop telling yourself you can't do things.

I don't agree you have just one chance. You're only 33!!

Plenty of time to start hobbies, travel the world, move abroad even! Learn a new language, change your career.. the world really is your oyster.

Get out of your own way, stop telling yourself it's too late.

@babouchette

I would absolutely love to start again. I compromised on so many things that I now realise were really important to me. I feel as if somewhere out there someone else is living the life I should have had.

I can't change anything because I have a family who are settled and happy, but I'm living in the wrong city and doing the wrong job and feel trapped most days.

I feel as if I have totally lost myself. I don't know how else to put it.

I really don't understand this.

Wrong city? Move!

Wrong job? Change it!

Yes it's difficult, but it's not impossible. If you want it, make it happen.

I used to feel like this. Common topics were

‘I wished I’d worked harder at school’
‘I wish I had planned a career’
‘I wish id waited to have kids’
‘I wish I’d saved more’
‘I wish I’d got out of an abusive environment and spoken up about it’

But now I see that at school I didn’t focus or pick a career because I was a literally just trying to SURVIVE. Being neurodiverse I struggled and now I feel proud of the few qualifications I got as looking back I can’t believe i managed what I did

Being ‘stuck’ in an abusive environment has made me be a better parent as I have experienced how not to be a parent so o know what to do and say

I don’t have loads of money due to the above things but I’m ok and I feel like given a choice woukd I go back and change things ? I probably should say yes but it would change who I am. At least of you know you feel you’re not good at life and want to do things differently you’ve got that awareness not and not on your deathbed.

There’s still time
There’s still enjoyment to be had x

@DaraTheTeapot

I used to feel like this. Common topics were

‘I wished I’d worked harder at school’
‘I wish I had planned a career’
‘I wish id waited to have kids’
‘I wish I’d saved more’
‘I wish I’d got out of an abusive environment and spoken up about it’

But now I see that at school I didn’t focus or pick a career because I was a literally just trying to SURVIVE. Being neurodiverse I struggled and now I feel proud of the few qualifications I got as looking back I can’t believe i managed what I did

Being ‘stuck’ in an abusive environment has made me be a better parent as I have experienced how not to be a parent so o know what to do and say

I don’t have loads of money due to the above things but I’m ok and I feel like given a choice woukd I go back and change things ? I probably should say yes but it would change who I am. At least of you know you feel you’re not good at life and want to do things differently you’ve got that awareness not and not on your deathbed.

There’s still time
There’s still enjoyment to be had x

This is such a wise post. It's so easy to look back and think "I should have..." forgetting all the other external pressures or issues we were dealing with at the time that led us to make the decisions we made. Most people make what they believe to be the best decision at any given moment and how do we know that we weren't doing that?

Same here.

@thisplaceisweird thanks for the feedback but as I said, I have a family who are happy and settled. We need my income to pay the mortgage. It's very easy to say "just change it" but that would come at a huge cost to my kids and would probably mean the end of my marriage. So it's not as easy as all that.

It's not easy but it is doable.
Kids get over moving. I moved to France when I was child leaving behind friends, family hobbies etc. It wasn't the end of the world! I loved it within a year and now am so grateful for the experience. I'm sure your kids would want their mum to be happy. As should your husband.

Nobody is saying to quit your job, but why not start making steps to change it and find something that would make your happier?

I know you mean well but I didn't really want to get into a life coaching conversation. There are many, many reasons why I can't make these changes, not least because I am pregnant at the moment. I was just trying to empathise with the OP. And I have read the Midnight Library by the way

I'm with you babouchette. It's OK people saying that its doable, but when you are the sole earner in your house, get UC top ups. Retraining just simply isn't possible or at least not without something else taking the hit for it like feeding the family for example.

Try to not spend too much time dwelling on it.
Don't look back in 20 years time and wish you hadn't spent so much time being regretful.