My little boy says he wants to be a girl

[Bellabelloo]

I wasn't sure where to post this.

My little boy is 4. He is very boisterous and typically 'boyish' (likes rough and tumble games etc)) but also loves dressing up in princess dresses and recently he keeps saying he wants to be a girl and asking whether he can be a girl when he grows up. He asks every day if I will buy him some make up and dresses.

I'm not sure if this is a phase, him experimenting, or something I should take really seriously. Has anyone had similar with their young boys?

Thank you.

Unfortunately gender is less fluid these days and stereotypes more rigidly enforced

@LizzieSiddal

When he says “I want to be a girl” tell him he is a boy and always will be, BUT he can wear whatever he likes, do whatever job he wants, put make up on if he likes etc etc. Being a boy doesn’t stop him being able to do anything!

Yes to this. Spot on

My son is the same. I just bought him some dresses and pretend make up. He also comes with me to get his nails done when I go get mine done- the ladies at the salon make a big fuss over him and he loves it. Toys wise he plays with dolls, doll houses, slime, dinosaurs, and space stuff. I just sort of go with the flow.

If he gets older and seriously questions his gender identity, I'll support him through that too. Right now, he's just interested in all the cool things he can be and do. What is sad is that he sometimes says things like "my favourite colour is pink but I can't like pink because I am a boy"...so we have lots of conversations about boys and girls being allowed to do the same things and like the same colours!

I think the bottom line is that he can't become a girl. He'll always be a boy and will grow into a man. He can still enjoy any typically girly activities though. If you want to steer away from the make up though I wouldn't blame you as most people wouldn't want their four year old getting into make up yet, boy or girl.

My four year old wanted to marry her best friend, me , her dad and the dog when she was 4. They don’t really have much of a grip on reality at that age. I wouldn’t take it seriously. It’s imaginative play and this is a good thing.

BTW my son said the other day "I think I'm the only boy who likes pink" which I found so sad because it's obviously not true for one, and he is obviously well aware that it's a bit taboo for boys. So silly just over a colour fgs..

As a toddler my son loved dressing up in a pink tutu & yellow wellies! At 7 he sticks his nose up at anything he considers “girly” except for having his nails painted! It’s just a phase and honestly at that age they don’t know what they want to be, my son has only just accepted that whilst he could be a policeman when he grows up, he can’t physically become a policecar!!

Don’t ignore it and don’t encourage it. Let him dress up if he wants and don’t make a big deal out of it, because he still very little and there’s no need to overthink anything. He’s a child expressing himself and nothing more to it.

My little girl wants to be a unicorn 🤷‍♀️
And last week she wanted to be a boy because her little male friend had a new jumper that she liked but it was definitely a boys 🤷‍♀️
Kids want to be different things all the time so take it with a pinch of salt.

Dressing up box full of all sorts of costumes, hats, scarves, shoes , animal costumes etc. Nothing more is needed.

Thanks everyone. You've confirmed what I was thinking. I just didn't want to downplay it if it was a serious 'issue'. He wears dresses when he's at friends houses and raids their wardrobes, but I'll take him shopping and let him choose a few bits.

My son had dolls. Big deal.

@LitCrit

Gender isn’t more fluid. Gender is actually more rigid. That’s why, when little boys like dresses, people tell them they are a girl.

Spot on.

Why does he have to ask repeatedly if you will buy him dresses and make-up? Do you have rigid ideas about gender which this somehow sits outside of? If he were a girl would you have bought him the dresses and make-up? If so then the issue may be your internalised stereotypes. There really is no difference between girls and boys other than biology, which can't be changed, and rigid societal norms, which should be changed.

@SpindleWhorl Mine has dolls and prams too. I love it! Hands on parenting from a young age!!

A dressing up box would be great, @Bellabelloo. You could have dresses, kimonos, kilts, saris, wrap-arounds, culottes, whatever.

I think that’s a really sensible question from a 4 year old, can I be a girl when I grow up? I’d be answering no, you have a penis so you are a boy, but you can do everything girls can do, wear what you want etc. Some people think some things are not for boys, but I think they are wrong, etc.

@Feelingmardy No. it's got nothing to do with that! I just don't buy him stuff whenever he asks for it! The odd treat yes, but most things will be birthday or Christmas presents. I certainly wouldn't buy him what would be considered typical boy stuff just because he asked for it either.

Mine went through this phase at 3/4. Wore “girls” clothes sometimes (although not dresses) and talked a lot about being a girl or a Mummy. I just said for now he was a boy, he could like pink or sequinned things or dolls or whatever and still be a boy, but if when he was much much older he still thought he wanted to be a girl we could talk about it then. One day into reception class and he was adamant he was a boy, he liked being a boy and never again was he wearing anything “girl coloured”. He’s still sad he can’t be pregnant though.

Out of interest, you haven't got a raging homophobe in the family, have you? It puts a lot of pressure on.

He is a boy. He can no more be a girl than he can be a t-rex or a duck. Just treat it in the same way for now.

There's going to be so much more of this when they start teaching gender ideology in primary schools.

Ds1 was the same at that age. He loved princess dresses and those awful plastic shoes and hair slides. This is not much more than a decade ago but “gender” was something to be smashed back then. It was seen as a normal thing to be non conforming, not something that needed to be corrected by either changing the behaviour or changing the body. Girls and boys could play with whatever they liked and choose haircuts and clothes and toys without anyone trying to psychoanalyse or medicalise them. Gender is a tucking prison for kids now. It’s not fluid at all. We’ve gone so far back in so little time.
Kids go through LOADS of phases with what they like and don’t like. One minute it’s loom bands and the next it’s roller skating or wearing black lip liner or baby dolls or remote controlled cars. Role play games are king at 4 years old. He might want hot wheels for Christmas or a kitchen. If he loved train sets and blue jeans would you be posting if it was a phase and if it should be encouraged or ignored? If he was a girl who loved train sets would you worry?

@SpindleWhorl Yes!!! My father-in-law. But I quite like rebelling against him as he is SO homophobic and misogynistic. He didn't like the fact that my son has dolls and prams, until I pointed out that his DAD who is a MAN pushed him around in a pram (quite rightly so) - so boys should absolutely be able to play babies if they want to.

@LitCrit

Gender isn’t more fluid. Gender is actually more rigid. That’s why, when little boys like dresses, people tell them they are a girl.

I agree. People aren't automatically "more male" if they like jeans and trains, or female if they like pink dresses and dolls.