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Original poster

Would it be hasty to throw in the towel if we don’t have sex this weekend?

63 replies

Freesssh · 27/08/2021 14:26

5 months in me and DP hadnt had sex. It really bothered me and I told him this. He said he wanted sex but he was stressed with work, now it had become ‘a thing’ and he just needed a bit of time. For context he’s 42 and the last time he had sex he was 34.

I haven’t been happy about this but as work stress has lessened, we’ve been a lot more active in the bedroom. It’s almost like it’s leading up to sex again. I feel like if it doesn’t happen next time we see each other then that’s it for me, but would that be hasty? He said himself last time after a lot of intimacy and oral that he felt we were moving forwards with it all. He’s a bit reclusive and quiet so this isn’t an out of character observation for him to make even though it probably sounds strange to most people.

I love him. Would it be hasty to throw in the towel if we don’t have sex this weekend?

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 27/08/2021 15:11

If I had never had sex with someone I wouldn't call them DP. It sounds a bit odd to me. Have you asked him outright?
Yes I think I would throw in the towel. You have been quite patient.

TR888 · 27/08/2021 15:11

These things can happen in log-term relationships. It's not great even then, but when they happen at the start is a certain sign of a problem. He should still be wanting to rip your clothes of at this stage, especially if you don't see each other that often.

Please respect your own body and it's needs by leaving someone who'll never be compatible.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/08/2021 15:12

There's clearly something else going on beside the "work stress" excuse.

A number of possible explanations:
Lack of confidence due to being out of practice
Insecure about size of penis or ability to satisfy you through PIV
Performance anxiety: Inability to maintain erection/reach orgasm - then anxiety about it happening again... so it happens again...
Subconscious terror of pregnancy
Fear of falling in love with you due to oxytocin bonding after orgasm
Unresolved loathing of sex due to parental/religious upbringing
Unresolved sexual trauma

There are probably loads more I haven't thought of.

I think what I'd do is set a specific timeframe in my mind, e.g. if we haven't had "full" sex by the end of September, then I'm out. I would not tell him this deadline, but I would start having a serious discussion, which should be started when you're NOT in bed, and relaxed but not drunk. I'd ask him initially "You said the other day you thought things were moving in the right direction in bed. How do you see things progressing? What can I do to help? You can tell me anything you need to about your worries or your needs and I promise I won't ever judge you [be really really sure about this before you say it] and whatever I can do to help, I will. Having PIV sex is really important to me, it's a key part of being intimate within a relationship. I want you to experience that with me."

If he was then able to open up and be honest about his fears/reluctance - then great. Because most of this stuff can be fixed, with work.

If he couldn't/wouldn't open up, or refused to take any action (eg can't sustain erection but wouldn't see the GP) then I'd have to let him go, if PIV was a dealbreaker. (TBH I'd be happy with a sex life that didn't include it as long as I was getting good oral, but clearly it's important to you, and I expect it is to the majority of people.)

Hemingwaycat · 27/08/2021 15:13

Meh, I’d personally have sacked him off about 3/4 months ago. I can’t understand why people wait months to have sex with someone, I just don’t think you could possibly be that into them if you don’t want to tear their clothes off ASAP.

Tempusfudgeit · 27/08/2021 15:15

Is he avoiding an unwanted pregnancy?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 27/08/2021 15:21

Death grip?
Porn addiction?

JuneOsborne · 27/08/2021 15:24

Well, I'd say this isn't typical at all for a new relationship. And it looks like sex is going to be an issue longer term based on what you've said so far. Are you in for the long haul, with a man that just doesn't seem that bothered by sex? Because, if after 5 months it's like this, what will it be like in 5 years?

CaMePlaitPas · 27/08/2021 15:27

I had a "relationship" with someone like this. I ended it because I couldn't picture myself being with a man who wasn't confident enough to take me down occasionally.

MoirasWigStand · 27/08/2021 15:29

You've posted about this many, many times before. What new advice are you hoping for this time?

HappyWipings · 27/08/2021 15:37

This is what your relationship is like. You're either happy with that or you want out. Which is it?

Parky04 · 27/08/2021 15:48

@PandoraP

People generally don’t stop having sex because they are busy at work.
In fact the opposite, it relieves stress IMO.
MancMum2000 · 27/08/2021 15:49

For whatever reason he doesn’t want to have sex. He doesn’t really sound like relationship material tbh, I’d ditch him personally.

GiveMeAUserName123 · 27/08/2021 15:53

Wouldn’t sex help relive stress that acutes from work?

Does he have erection problems when having full sexual or is he scared his going to come in 3 seconds flat?

It’s the only thing I can think off, there must be an actual reason.

Sanddown · 27/08/2021 15:58

@Freesssh we had a brief moment of it very early on but not properly, he didn’t finish

Was this piv sex? Or has he not even tried that yet?

ItsSnowJokes · 27/08/2021 16:16

Nope, get rid now! It's such a waste of your time. I'm sure he does love oral all the time.....sigh you are being a mug and you need to get shot ASAP.

Triffid1 · 27/08/2021 16:33

I think this is a problem and no, you would not be too hasty to bin him off.

It sounds to me that either he's actually gay but in denial or that he has significant performance anxieties or that he has other issues with sex that lead to performance anxiety.

I have a male friend who grew up in a very religious environment. He is no longer religious. Theoretically, he has no problem with sex before marriage. But.... he actually finds it quite difficult to get his head around casual sex and in a relationship he's quite happy to do everything but actual PIV until at least a couple of months in. This has been a problem for previous girlfriends who think he is being hypocritical in being willing to basically have sex without actual sex. He concedes this, and has been working on it, but finds it v hard.

You can't and shouldn't force him to do things he's not comfortable with. But you have every right to say you're not interested in continuing a relationship under these conditions.

SewingBees · 27/08/2021 16:33

@WhatsAppening

Oh this has disaster written all over it.

He obviously has a whole mess of issues. Life’s too short. Leave him and have lots of lovely sex with someone who appreciates you.

This
MrsMiddleMother · 27/08/2021 16:43

Yanbu If sex is important to you and not him then there's no point carrying on this relationship. If he's not going to want sex everytime he gets a bit stressed or busy which realistically is often as an adult, and you will still want sex then it has disaster written all over it. Cut ties now so you can both find someone more sexually compatible.

mewkins · 27/08/2021 16:43

I don't think this will suddenly become a 'normal ' sexual relationship. I couldn't be with someone who stopped having sex as soon as work got busy. I would cut my losses now.

Original poster
Freesssh · 27/08/2021 16:47

I don’t know whether to give it one more weekend? The alternative is asking him upfront if he intends on us having sex? Which feels like a shit way to approach it given the background?

OP posts:
JustGiveMeGin · 27/08/2021 16:47

Nope, wouldn't have lasted this long at all. Massively generalising (and I'll get a lot of people's backs up on here saying it more than likely) but most men are the exact opposite of this guy, even the nice ones usually want to get in your pants ASAP if they fancy you!
I have never, ever, known a man use work stress as an excuse with a new partner, long term relationship maybe but at this point definitely not.
I'd say this guy has more issues than Vogue and I wouldn't be hanging around to find out what they are.

SukonthaM · 27/08/2021 16:52

Oh fuck this!! He clearly has serious issues. My hours were through the roof when I met my oh, his were even worse. We were still at it like rabbits. It’s normally all you want to do it a new relationship. But you’re nearly half a year in and you’re literally begging for him to have sex with you just once? I think this is as good as it’s going to get in your relationship. Wtf are you waiting for?

Original poster
Freesssh · 27/08/2021 16:54

I’ve asked if there’s a problem and been really understanding. He assures me there isn’t and he wants this to be part of the relationship

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/08/2021 16:55

So... assuming you are both home I assume you are heading for the bedroom right now...

Catsatdawn · 27/08/2021 16:56

@Freesssh has he tried piv sex with you op? When you say he didn't finish was this piv or oral? How did he react after? How did you react? Maybe he's worried it will happen again?