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Original poster

Oh heck. DS has just asked if GF can stay Saturday night

71 replies

CampaignToo · 27/08/2021 12:44

What (if any) ground rules do I need to set?

We're going out for a curry for a family occasion, I'm pleased she agreed to come. I plan to drive and had offered to drop her home so there's no "need" for her to stay.

DS is 20, but basically had no social life because of lockdown for the first 18 months of his adulthood so I haven't faced this before. GF is only 17yo.

So I've asked if it's OK with her parents. I highly doubt that he's checked but that's his /her problem, right? No need for me to check?

I've asked where he expects she will sleep and (obviously) he's thinking in his room. He only has a single bed.

I've suggested he sets up a camp bed, but apparently that's not necessary. In my head it makes things more proper to at least offer her a separate bed, even if it's not used but I understand that's ridiculous Grin

I know absolutely my parents wouldn't have allowed it, either having a BF in my room or staying over at a BF's when I was 17yo, but they weren't necessarily right.

I'm quite pleased that he wants to bring her here TBH. However, his room is next to mine and I absolutely don't want to hear any goings on!

In a start as you mean to go in basis, what rules do I need to set?

Also, usually with overnight guests I'd get something nice in for breakfast. But this is DS's guest and doewn to him? I don't mind doing it, but don't want to be OTT either.

OP posts:
Original poster
CampaignToo · 27/08/2021 12:46

FWIW her parents helped them organise a holiday together and have had him stay at theirs a number of times, so I'm not concerned they'll be horrified at the whole idea.

OP posts:
SingleHandSue · 27/08/2021 12:48

He’s an adult! Why on earth can’t his girlfriend stop over in his bed?

bluejelly · 27/08/2021 12:48

He's 20, she's 17. I'd talk to him about contraception (condoms) and consent, and let them crack on.

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GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 27/08/2021 12:48

As the eldest child, it would have been a massive no if I'd asked my parents if my BF could stay over...however, for my subsequent siblings they chilled considerably and all of them were allowed their BFs/GFs over to stay. My mum always set up a camp bed in the room (under no illusion it would be completely unused) and she would always get some nice breakfast in. She's a good'un 😄

Hoppinggreen · 27/08/2021 12:49

At the end of the day it’s your house so it’s whatever you feel comfortable with.
DD is 16 and so is her BF, he stays here and she stays there but in different rooms. At some point he may sleep in her room but this is what we have all agreed.
As for breakfast you can get some nice things in and he can make for her

Original poster
CampaignToo · 27/08/2021 12:50

@SingleHandSue

He’s an adult! Why on earth can’t his girlfriend stop over in his bed?
I'm not saying she can't (but she's not an adult). I'm saying this is all new to me and it wouldn't have been allowed by my parents so I have no "normal" to gauge it against.

Plus, I don't want to hear!

OP posts:
Hen2018 · 27/08/2021 12:50

Rules?!

My son is 20. He lives with his girlfriend.

PotteringAlong · 27/08/2021 12:52

Plus, I don't want to hear!

Then that’s your ground rule : do whatever you like but I don’t want to know about it.

peachgreen · 27/08/2021 12:52

It's fine. Make sure he's using contraception and tell him to keep things discreet because you don't want to hear!

LordOfTheThings · 27/08/2021 12:54

You'll have people on here telling you you're being ridiculous but 'firsts' are always a bit odd, and no, I wouldn't want to hear my DCs shagging either. Just remind him that the walls are thin. 😁

LazyYogi · 27/08/2021 12:55

Definitely point out that your rooms are right next to each other in some subtle way. Tell him that you're trusting him to be safe and something about consent. But then let them be. Get something nice for breakfast and have the radio on loud in the morning if you want to avoid a Gavin and Stacey situation!

Delphigirl · 27/08/2021 12:55

“Yes fine as long as her parents are happy”

That’s it!

Imtoooldforallthis · 27/08/2021 12:55

Yes l agree with the I definately don't want to hear anything rule.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/08/2021 12:55

Might be worth getting him a double bed at some point if he is planning on living there longer.

mcnervous · 27/08/2021 12:58

Hear what exactly?! If they have an ounce of respect they are not going to be screaming the house down!

At most you might hear a few creaky springs! Unclutch your pearls madam. He's is a consensual relationship and at home with his girlfriend.

I'm saying that I'm am grateful I am many years away from this and also that my kids are the opposite end of the hall so I'm also telling this to my future self Grin

As for breakfast I wouldn't go to any big trouble as it's likely this will become a regular occurrence until he moves out!

Lockdownpudding · 27/08/2021 13:02

Yeah your ground rules need to be around what you don't want to hear. Respect their privacy, and expect to respect yours.

Lockdownpudding · 27/08/2021 13:02

Expect *them to respect yours

Lockdownpudding · 27/08/2021 13:03

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Might be worth getting him a double bed at some point if he is planning on living there longer.
He's 20. He can get his own double bed!
Empressofthemundane · 27/08/2021 13:05

I have a 17 year DD. In her case, she has never had a BF, or even kissed someone as far as I know. I think lockdowns have slowed down life experience for some DC.

I appreciate your gut instinct to want to make sure it is okay with her parents, but I cannot think how you could possibly do it without seeming overbearing.

All in all, as a parent I would be pleased that the children are making connections and that my DD was involved with a young man with a caring family who were thoughtful about her. The fact your son knows her family is another good thing.

In these circumstances I don’t think you can make a mistake. Let him decide the sleeping arrangements for them and have something in the fridge for him to handle when they wake up.

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 27/08/2021 13:07

Does 20 and 17 feel like a bit of a gap to you ?

Is your DS working / at uni and she's at school?

I know it's all legal etc, but there is quite a difference between a school girl and uni student.

Bagelsandbrie · 27/08/2021 13:09

I’ll be in the minority here but nope I don’t want people staying over in my house, boyfriends / girlfriends / whatever. Just no. If he wants people staying over he can move out and rent his own place. We have an 18 year old dd and that’s how we do things. She’s off to university next month and I’m sure she can have a wild time there! I think it encourages them to want to live independently which is good for everyone. Expecting to get flamed and told my dd will never want a relationship with me blah blah but that’s just how I feel. I like my house to myself, I don’t want to wake up with people I don’t know in my house and I don’t need dcs partners etc staying over in order to get to know them.

Mummasdiary2021 · 27/08/2021 13:10

She is an adult at 17! I had my own house and worked in a nightclub at 17 :) even if you don't consider her an adult she's legally old enough to have sex and the reality is, if there not doing it safe at home in their bedroom they are probably doing it at the park or in a field or god knows where else. I totally get that you don't want to hear but I'd say give them a chance and go and say something if they get to noisey. I'd make her breakfast or something in the morning (if I was doing it for the family too) that way you will build a good relationship with her and she will respect you. Life will be alot easier x

234Pepperplant · 27/08/2021 13:13

They’re over the age of consent, they go on holiday together, her parents are happy, she’s coming to family occasions… this is where you start treating him as a twenty year old adult. If he still needs telling about contraception at this point something has gone wrong.

I think you should expect basic respect (no swinging from chandeliers or screaming the house down) and in return you give them respect back (privacy in his room, no pearl clutching about separate beds). I wouldn’t be making breakfast etc, that’s your son’s job. Basically, make as little fuss as possible.

GreyCarpet · 27/08/2021 13:14

@Delphigirl

“Yes fine as long as her parents are happy”

That’s it!

Absolutely agree.

When my son was 19, his 20 year old girlfriend stayed over. In his room. In his single bed.

Her parents will presumably know where she will be if they know she's seeing him that evening.

I left it to my son and his gf tbh. I made her feel welcome and I liked her but she was his guest, not mine and it wasn't like a younger child having a sleepover where its a 'treat' so no need for special breakfasts etc.

girlmom21 · 27/08/2021 13:15

My only rules would be that I don't want to hear any funny business and that you'd like them fully clothed when walking around the house etc.