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Original poster

Oh heck. DS has just asked if GF can stay Saturday night

71 replies

CampaignToo · 27/08/2021 12:44

What (if any) ground rules do I need to set?

We're going out for a curry for a family occasion, I'm pleased she agreed to come. I plan to drive and had offered to drop her home so there's no "need" for her to stay.

DS is 20, but basically had no social life because of lockdown for the first 18 months of his adulthood so I haven't faced this before. GF is only 17yo.

So I've asked if it's OK with her parents. I highly doubt that he's checked but that's his /her problem, right? No need for me to check?

I've asked where he expects she will sleep and (obviously) he's thinking in his room. He only has a single bed.

I've suggested he sets up a camp bed, but apparently that's not necessary. In my head it makes things more proper to at least offer her a separate bed, even if it's not used but I understand that's ridiculous

I know absolutely my parents wouldn't have allowed it, either having a BF in my room or staying over at a BF's when I was 17yo, but they weren't necessarily right.

I'm quite pleased that he wants to bring her here TBH. However, his room is next to mine and I absolutely don't want to hear any goings on!

In a start as you mean to go in basis, what rules do I need to set?

Also, usually with overnight guests I'd get something nice in for breakfast. But this is DS's guest and doewn to him? I don't mind doing it, but don't want to be OTT either.

OP posts:

BrilloPaddy · 27/08/2021 13:17

Our DD's have had BF's stay over. One now lives with us.

We had 3 rules: contraception; discretion and no walking naked/barely clothed even if just to the bathroom.

Toomuchis · 27/08/2021 13:23

Me to ds: "do you want to know about your dad and I's sex life?"

"No? Cool, I don't want to know about yours either so keep the noise down. Be safe, use condoms. I'm too young to be a granny and you're too immature to be a dad. Do you want me to get anything for Sunday breakfast?"

SlamLikeAGuitar · 27/08/2021 13:28

They are both over the age of consent, so I’d just say that a little mention of contraception and courtesy to everyone else in the house will suffice.
I was 16 when I met my now-DH, and 19 when we got married! Both of our parents did exactly what I’ve said above when it came to overnights before we moved in together

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skippy67 · 27/08/2021 13:33

@Bagelsandbrie

I’ll be in the minority here but nope I don’t want people staying over in my house, boyfriends / girlfriends / whatever. Just no. If he wants people staying over he can move out and rent his own place. We have an 18 year old dd and that’s how we do things. She’s off to university next month and I’m sure she can have a wild time there! I think it encourages them to want to live independently which is good for everyone. Expecting to get flamed and told my dd will never want a relationship with me blah blah but that’s just how I feel. I like my house to myself, I don’t want to wake up with people I don’t know in my house and I don’t need dcs partners etc staying over in order to get to know them.

I agree with you. My DC are 23 and 20, and they've never had their BF or GF to stay while we've been home. The one and only time it happened, me and DH were away. DS had bought a double bed 3 days prior, DD still has a single and her BF kipped on, DS's old mattress in her room.

Elieza · 27/08/2021 13:34

Your house your rules.

I’d be doing separate bedrooms until they’re engaged as I’m old fashioned and pearl clutching. If they didn’t like it tough cheddar.

Do you know the sleeping arrangements in her house? It could be her parents have them in different rooms or whatever and your son is just wanting a chance to sleep in the same room at yours as he’s a chancer?

Imagine the mother phone you up to scream that her daughter is an immature 17 year old and now pregnant. In hindsight would you be ok with the choices you are making for them now?

While I know your answer would be that they are adults etc in your heart what would you wish you had done differently?

There’s nothing wrong with being old fashioned. Or wearing last seasons clothes, shoes and handbag. Or being a sahm. You’re allowed to like what you like.

If you choose to let them spend the night in a single bed I’d be saying as pp have said re contraception and no noise or nudity around the house.

It would be nice if your son did breakfast for them. If he’s mature enough to practice fertilising eggs I’m sure he can cook some eggs in a pan! And wash his own sheets too

cultkid · 27/08/2021 13:35

I was engaged when I was 20!

I'm still married to that man and I am 29 now

ManifestDestinee · 27/08/2021 13:35

@Hen2018

Rules?!

My son is 20. He lives with his girlfriend.

In their own place? Then that is totally different. Obviously.

ManifestDestinee · 27/08/2021 13:36

She is an adult at 17!

She's not though.
Adult literally means over 18, there is no ambiguity.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 27/08/2021 13:38

Short term let him have his GF round. Long term he needs to get his own place.

Hadalifeonce · 27/08/2021 13:41

I was always (in theory) not under my roof, until DD asked if I would help her organise contraception!!!!!
We had a long heart to heart, she had been with the same boy for about 8 months.
I realised they were both approaching the next stage of their relationship with maturity and, she was being honest with me.
They have now been sharing a room here and at his house; it just seemed the right thing to do, despite what I had always said.

FoxesAtDawn · 27/08/2021 13:44

I’d be doing separate bedrooms until they’re engaged as I’m old fashioned and pearl clutching. If they didn’t like it tough cheddar.

That’s a very specific requirement. What if the relationship was like mine - together 14 years with a child but no desire to get married?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 27/08/2021 13:53

@FoxesAtDawn

I’d be doing separate bedrooms until they’re engaged as I’m old fashioned and pearl clutching. If they didn’t like it tough cheddar.

That’s a very specific requirement. What if the relationship was like mine - together 14 years with a child but no desire to get married?

You’d still be sleeping in a separate room to your partner, presumably!

Kezzie200 · 27/08/2021 14:02

Consent and contraception.

Be delighted he feels confident in approaching you. It'll be lovely if they find the time to spend some if with you , maybe at dinner, so you can get to know her.

Original poster

CampaignToo · 27/08/2021 14:11

Thanks all, I know most of what you've said, but it helps to have others' views.

I had the consent/contraception/grandma conversation before they went on holiday.

I've suggested many times he might like to upgrade his childhood bedroom, but I'm not doing it, paying for it or organising it for him.

Yes, to the PP who asked, it does seem like a big age gap to me, but when I posted here about that when their relationship was first becoming serious, I was basically ridiculed for having any concerns at all. It's also true that he's "behind" a year or two having not got out at all during lockdown. He's working FT, she's at college.

Those who've said Ok provided her parents are happy, surely it's not my job to check with them?

OP posts:

Eralos · 27/08/2021 14:17

You’re being overbearing. At 20 he should be able to have overnight guests as long as they are respectful. She’s over the age of legal consent so make sure you speak to him about contraception and no means no and leave them to it.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 27/08/2021 14:20

I agree with the previous poster, what does a uni student have in common with a 17 year old kid.

And she is a kid lets face it.

FizziWater · 27/08/2021 14:20

I had a rule that once over 16 and in a long-term relationship they could have GF stay. I did the maximum embarrassing contraception/ STD talks and I don't think it's my place to have contact with a gfs patents.
In the end DS was 18 and his gf was 18 when she first stayed over. We also took her on holidays.
As to practicalities I tried to make sure she felt at home and welcome as possible. Left clean towels out for her, asked about food preferences. They had music / tv in the bedroom and had a nice time I think.
I don't know whether they got up to anything but if they did it was quiet.
It was important to me that any friend or partner of my DC was welcome.

JudgeRindersMinder · 27/08/2021 14:22

One of my ground rules has always been “I don’t want to be embarrassed in my own home”

KingdomScrolls · 27/08/2021 14:30

Her parents let him stay and helped them organise a holiday where presumably they shared a bed, so the implication is they're fine with it. It's a relationship not a fling they clearly care about each other and are involved in each others family lives. This is what we want early relationship experiences to be surely? I would just mention walls being thin so no one ends up embarrassed.
FWIW I was about the after of the girl when I had my first serious relationship, my parents were ok with him staying but when I decided I needed a double bed I bought it, I wouldn't have dreamed of asking them to make me sleeping with my boyfriend more comfortable. He was 3 years older than me so same age gap, we met at work and looking back I was definitely the more mature one!

Original poster

CampaignToo · 27/08/2021 14:30

@Eralos

What exactly have I done that's overbearing? All I've done is ask him if her parents are Ok with it and offered to get something in for breakfast.

OP posts:

Original poster

CampaignToo · 27/08/2021 14:33

@SnipSnipMrBurgess

I agree with the previous poster, what does a uni student have in common with a 17 year old kid.

And she is a kid lets face it.

He's not a UnI student, but I agree, it doesn't seem a perfect match, but there's nothing I can do about that. They're going to see each other whether I approve or not, I'd like to stay on friendly terms with my DS.

I do know enough to know that there's nothing to be gained by me voicing concerns and quite a lot to lose

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 27/08/2021 14:35

@SnipSnipMrBurgess

I agree with the previous poster, what does a uni student have in common with a 17 year old kid.

And she is a kid lets face it.

There are 3 years between them. I'd assume that's a smaller age gap than the majority of people in relationships commenting on this thread.

SirVixofVixHall · 27/08/2021 14:40

20 is one thing 17 is another. I would put her in another room. Everyone seems to assume that at 17 someone with a boyfriend will be having sex but not everyone wants to rush into it. At 17 I didn’t want to have sex with my twenty something boyfriend and ended the relationship when he kept pressuring me.
My dd will be 17 in a few months, there have been no boyfriends yet but when she does have one, they will not be in the same room until they are both in a serious relationship and properly adult.

missnevermind · 27/08/2021 14:50

My rules have been no overnight guests without previous warning preferably me having met them before as well.
Once here she is to be 'appropriately dressed' while moving about the house 😅 and they must be aware that his siblings are sleeping in the other rooms on that floor too.

Ikeatears · 27/08/2021 15:00

I have a 19 year old Ds with an 18 year old gf. They've been together two years. She first stayed when he was 17 and she was 16 (about 6 months in). She'd left school but I had a conversation with her parents first about whether they were happy and we agreed he'd be on the sofa and her in the bedroom. About 6 months later they wanted to share a room and I again had a conversation with her parents. Ds was 18 by then but she wasn't so I felt it was still down to her parents to make the decision on what they were comfortable with.
It helped reassure them that I was considerate of their feelings and I know they appreciated it.
She actually lived with us during the last lockdown for a variety of reasons and her parents have always been clear with her that she should show us respect and gratitude for what we do for her which makes for easy communication and relationships all round.

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