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Original poster

Oh heck. DS has just asked if GF can stay Saturday night

71 replies

CampaignToo · 27/08/2021 12:44

What (if any) ground rules do I need to set?

We're going out for a curry for a family occasion, I'm pleased she agreed to come. I plan to drive and had offered to drop her home so there's no "need" for her to stay.

DS is 20, but basically had no social life because of lockdown for the first 18 months of his adulthood so I haven't faced this before. GF is only 17yo.

So I've asked if it's OK with her parents. I highly doubt that he's checked but that's his /her problem, right? No need for me to check?

I've asked where he expects she will sleep and (obviously) he's thinking in his room. He only has a single bed.

I've suggested he sets up a camp bed, but apparently that's not necessary. In my head it makes things more proper to at least offer her a separate bed, even if it's not used but I understand that's ridiculous

I know absolutely my parents wouldn't have allowed it, either having a BF in my room or staying over at a BF's when I was 17yo, but they weren't necessarily right.

I'm quite pleased that he wants to bring her here TBH. However, his room is next to mine and I absolutely don't want to hear any goings on!

In a start as you mean to go in basis, what rules do I need to set?

Also, usually with overnight guests I'd get something nice in for breakfast. But this is DS's guest and doewn to him? I don't mind doing it, but don't want to be OTT either.

OP posts:

doodleygirl · 27/08/2021 15:05

Buy him a double bed, 20 yr olds really need bigger beds anyway

Bryterlayter1 · 27/08/2021 15:07

@FoxesAtDawn

I’d be doing separate bedrooms until they’re engaged as I’m old fashioned and pearl clutching. If they didn’t like it tough cheddar.

That’s a very specific requirement. What if the relationship was like mine - together 14 years with a child but no desire to get married?

My mother made my sister and her now husband (then partner) sleep in different rooms when they came to visit her. They already lived together and were 31 and 37! I did grow up in a fundamentalist Christian household though. My wife (I'm a lesbian) and I have never stayed with my mum and we've been married 13 years. It's not a great feeling TBH. Much prefer the OPs approach.

ApolloandDaphne · 27/08/2021 15:11

@ManifestDestinee

She is an adult at 17!

She's not though.
Adult literally means over 18, there is no ambiguity.

Well it depends where you live really. In Scotland 16 is considered adult.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

ApolloandDaphne · 27/08/2021 15:12

@SnipSnipMrBurgess

I agree with the previous poster, what does a uni student have in common with a 17 year old kid.

And she is a kid lets face it.

17 year olds can be at uni. She is hardly a kid!

ManifestDestinee · 27/08/2021 15:29

Well it depends where you live really. In Scotland 16 is considered adult

No, legal age of majority is still 18 in Scotland. Under 18's are not legally adults

GameSetMatch · 27/08/2021 15:39

Put the camp bed up so they have options but leave them to it, they will be having sex anyway weather you put obstacles in the way or not.she won’t want a fancy breakfast I’m sure toast will do.

It’s really nice she want to stay with you and he wants her to stay with you guys.

Auntienumber8 · 27/08/2021 15:44

DS GF is a year younger than him. Her parents did not let her stay over till she was 18. I was quite glad really as it meant they had been together 18 months.

I would w at to know if her parents were ok with it

ApolloandDaphne · 27/08/2021 16:11

@ManifestDestinee

Well it depends where you live really. In Scotland 16 is considered adult

No, legal age of majority is still 18 in Scotland. Under 18's are not legally adults

It really isn't

fra.europa.eu/en/publication/2017/mapping-minimum-age-requirements/age-majority

ManifestDestinee · 27/08/2021 16:22

Ok, I got that wrong. Interestingly though in Scotland in 2003 the law on making or distributing indecent images of children was changed to raise the legal definition of a child from 16 to 18.
So you could say that Scotland recognises that they are children when it comes to sex until 18.

SirVixofVixHall · 27/08/2021 16:38

I slept in separate bedrooms from DH , whenever we stayed at my parents, for five years before we married. I was 39 when I got married, but my (lovely) parents would not budge on this. Their house, their rules.

RacistAngst · 27/08/2021 16:53

So he has stayed at hers and I imagine they slept in the same room (bed)?

In that case, let them crack on with it.
I’d say to ask your ds to let you know if he needs anything (eg a single bed might not be great to finish the night. Does he want a camp bed? Or anything else)
Then let HIM get organised. This is one area where he shouldn’t be mothered really.

If you have an issue re ‘hearing’ stuff, let him know! You can mention you expect them to be chatting away and you don’t want to be disturbed by noise

iklboo · 27/08/2021 16:58

FIL expected DH & i to sleep in separate rooms when we stayed there once. We'd been married 11 years by that point and had DS.

MaMelon · 27/08/2021 17:07

Your house, your rules. DD sleeps in a separate room when she stays at her BFs house (he's 23, she's 22). They both know that's what his parents want (they're Catholic if that makes a difference) so it's no big deal. I have no problems with them sharing a bed here, but like most people, don't want to hear anything - just as they wouldn't want to hear anything from our bedroom.

The only 'rules' I have are no noise, properly dressed, and they must have known each other for a good while - I'm not having one night stands or short term relationships sharing a bed, but that's because I want to feel comfortable in my own home with people I've known for a while.

It's completely up to you though - don't feel pressurised into doing something you're not comfortable with at this stage.

Travielkapelka · 27/08/2021 17:13

@Bagelsandbrie
I’ll be in the minority here but nope I don’t want people staying over in my house, boyfriends / girlfriends / whatever. Just no. If he wants people staying over he can move out and rent his own place. We have an 18 year old dd and that’s how we do things. She’s off to university next month and I’m sure she can have a wild time there! I think it encourages them to want to live independently which is good for everyone. Expecting to get flamed and told my dd will never want a relationship with me blah blah but that’s just how I feel. I like my house to myself, I don’t want to wake up with people I don’t know in my house and I don’t need dcs partners etc staying over in order to get to know them.

I totally agree. I can't see any need for sleepover, they can have a shag and then go home. Sleepovers are for when they move in together.

Snozzlemaid · 27/08/2021 17:13

If he's stayed at hers before then you know her parents are okay with it, so I would allow it.
Both my dc's (23 & 19) have had their partners to stay over and I have never heard anything. They're both respectful and know how to behave when sharing a house with us.

WTF99 · 27/08/2021 17:25

They're both old enough to be sleeping together. I don't think the age gap is concerning.
I wouldn't be happy about casual sleeping overs but if they are a thing then that would be OK with me.
My rules would be that I don't want to see or hear anything, and I would have the 'please don't get her pregnant' conversation very clearly.
Definitely no special breakfast. Just be kind and let her muck in with the family.

kaleidoscopeheartless · 27/08/2021 17:26

I'd let her. No one is doing anything wrong or illegal.

Screwyoularry · 27/08/2021 17:31

I would just make it very clear I expect them to respect other family members & make sure no-one hears anything. You don't want to be eating breakfast having to turn up the radio & sing along to take that. ' Come, come come into my arms

irregularegular · 27/08/2021 17:41

I think once your son/daughter is over 18 and their boy/girlfriend is over the age of consent then it is appropriate to leave them to it. Your son is an adult, and what they are asking is perfectly legal so I don't think it is really your place to interfere unless they are causing problems for anyone else. If the girlfriend's parents want to impose restrictions, that's up to them, not you. You might have a minimum relationship length rule i.e., you wouldn't want to be playing host to one night stands.

Once over 18 would apply the same rules as to any other adults (siblings, friends etc) who may be unmarried but stay over as a guest with a partner.

I very much doubt they want you to hear them!!

katienana · 27/08/2021 19:38

I had a 20 Yr old bf at 17. His mum was a health visitor and she supplied him with a shoebox of condoms! I was supposed to sleep alone but never did. We wouldn't have done it when she was home

AnnaDyne · 27/08/2021 19:42

hmm. When she was 17 my dd stayed at her boyfriends overnight before they stayed at mine. I would have appreciated his parents just checking with me first. But if they've already stayed at her parents' place, then presumably they're ok with it.

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