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Original poster

What should I expect of my 18 year old living at home?

61 replies

LizzyJ11 · 26/08/2021 14:34

My 18 year old lives at home and is currently on a gap year.
She works part time and doesn’t yet contribute to the home financially.
My partner thinks she needs to work full time now, and contribute financially, but her friends are telling her that none of them are expected to do either of these things at their age, and have told her that we must want her out of the house and that’s the only reason for us expecting these things of her.
Are we being unreasonable? Are these things no longer expected of 18 year olds living at home?
Just looking for opinions from others who are in a similar situation, or have recently been in situations like this.
Thank you :)

OP posts:

ActonSquirrel · 26/08/2021 14:37

I thought it was a bit mercenary of my mum. As soon as I was 18 and still doing a levels she told me she no longer for benefits for me.

Sorry but that isn't my fault. She'd had about 55 years to get herself sorted before I turned 18. I was 18 and still at school what did she want me to do about that?

Do you need the money? Its August I'm assuming the gap year only just started?

LadyDanburysHat · 26/08/2021 14:42

DS1 is on a gap year, also 18. He currently works part time, but is getting more hours. He is expected to pay a small amount and help out around the house as another adult. He doesn't get to sit on his arse only working a few hours a week and not contributing anything. He has chosen to not study and work, so he needs to step up as one.

TabbyStar · 26/08/2021 14:42

My DD is 18 and doing an apprenticeship. I did think I'd ask her to contribute, but she has high car costs (to get to work) and is good at saving so I decided to leave it. I want her to enjoy herself too whilst she's young. If I needed the money I would ask her, I'm aware that it does imply a certain amount of privilege not to need the money (though I am single and on an average wage so not rich!) I am transferring across her phone etc. as contracts end though.

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Foxmylife · 26/08/2021 14:44

If you can afford it, let her work part time and enjoy her gap year!

SnarkyBag · 26/08/2021 14:45

I wouldn’t expect rent per se but I would expect her to be funding herself in terms of clothes, phone, car and going out etc.

SukonthaM · 26/08/2021 14:45

What is she planning on doing with her gap year? If she’s staying at home then I would expect her to get a job and contribute at least a bit.

Original poster

LizzyJ11 · 26/08/2021 14:47

@ActonSquirrel It's more a case of whether it's generally the norm for an 18 year old to be expected to do certain things.
I, like you, was forced to get a full time job once my education ended, and to be honest, it was probably good for me. I was also expected to contribute a small amount of money every week, as a way of learning that that is all part of growing up - paying rent and becoming a bit more responsible for myself.
My daughter finished college in May, and I wonder if it's a bit harsh to expect these things of her, or not.
I'm torn, and just wondered what others are doing these days

OP posts:

FoxgloveSummers · 26/08/2021 14:47

Is she saving up for something? I worked on my gap year and saved the money for a project I was working on, parents didn’t charge rent but I paid for petrol/clothes/trips/phone basically everything but bills.

SheliasBroomIsLonger · 26/08/2021 14:47

I would expect her to pull her weight, cooking family meals, laundry, housework etc. Welcome to adulthood, it sucks.

She should pay something toward her use of utilities. Have a look on Spareroom.co.uk and see what it would be if she lived elsewhere. She will soon realise that she has it very nice at home. So what if her friend's parents don't charge them? They are not you.

FoxgloveSummers · 26/08/2021 14:48

She should also play an equal role in household stuff with the other adults, so food planning, shopping, cooking, bins, hoovering etc

memberofthewedding · 26/08/2021 14:50

I began work (full time) at 16 and was expected to tip up for "my keep" and also to do my own washing and ironing plus tidy my room etc. I was actually costing my mother less than when I was at school as obviously I was buying my own clothes and having my lunches out (either eating at work or making my own packed meals). Unfortunately she simply saw me as a cash machine. Press a button and out pops money. I was paid by bank transfer and had all my statements sent to an accommodation address so my parents never found out how much I earned.

Original poster

LizzyJ11 · 26/08/2021 14:52

Great opinions for far - thank you.
When I say pay rent, I don't mean anywhere near that amount.. £10-£15 a week maybe? Just a contribution.
She currently doesn't pay for her phone, or anything in fact.
She works 3 shifts a week, but my partner thinks she should work a full week now, rather than sleeping until lunchtime etc.

OP posts:

Xdecd · 26/08/2021 14:52

I think if she's planning to go on to further study I'd give her a year's grace but encourage her to save. If she doesn't end up studying then I think asking for a contribution would be fair. At 18 it's okay to have a year where your money is your own IMO.

madamy · 26/08/2021 14:53

DD has decided to take a gap year and apply to Uni for next year as she got better grades but couldn't get the course she wanted through adjustment/clearing this year.
She has a part time job, has been doing 8 hours/week but can do up to 30 hours if the shifts are available.
We don't expect her to contribute financially, but she's expected to do household stuff, her own washing and cook a meal at least once a week. She pays for all of her own expenses - phone, going out etc.
She's going to do some volunteer/work experience in the field she wants to do her degree in to support her application, and that plus her part time work should keep her busy!
We're not 'pushing' her to do any of these until her friends go off to Uni as they're currently camping etc to make the most of the summer together.
However, we are lucky enough to be able to support her and not need any financial input from her.

SnarkyBag · 26/08/2021 14:56

Hmm she really needs to be funding some of her own stuff. DS is 16 and just started a part time job. We’ve agreed he will fund his own gym membership (£20 a month) and Spotify (£10)

RubyGoat · 26/08/2021 14:56

My parents didn't charge me any rent when I took a gap year, but didn't support me financially at university either. I was expected to save up my earnings and support myself.

BarbaraofSeville · 26/08/2021 14:57

Working part time and not doing anything else is a bit of a waste of her time though. Would she have gone travelling/working abroad/volunteering if it wasn't for covid?

Is she planning to go to university next year? Have you worked out the financials in terms of what money she'll need and what you can give her? If she's off to university, it's a bit of a wasted opportunity not to work full time this year to really put some money behind her for that, if she can't go travelling or whatever.

You're not unreasonable to expect her to work or study full time, save some of her earnings and contribute to the household, both financially and practically. Can she cook, use the washing machine, understand bills etc? She'll need to be on top of all that when she's on her own, so also good to make sure she's up to speed with this.

PotteringAlong · 26/08/2021 14:57

What’s she doing with her gap year?

D1ngledanglers · 26/08/2021 14:58

DS 18 started his gap year & working 35 hpw in hospitality. He's not around much to help with chores at home, either working, gym, out with friends.
He pays for himself as an adult would - car, phone, memberships, clothes, particular food. It does no favours to treat like a child. He is learning to budget & save and generally get by in the real world - makes me proud!

TooWicked · 26/08/2021 14:58

It depends how part time her part time job is.

E.g. If she’s working 3 days a week 1pm till 4pm then she’s taking the piss and I’d expect her to be doing more both at paid work and around the house.

Standrewsschool · 26/08/2021 15:01

I have a 19 and we’re about to start charging rent (from September) after a rent-free period. He works 24 hours over four days, so we’re considering £100, plus the car insurance us up for renewal soon, so I want him to pay towards that also.

How many hours is your dd working? If it’s three shifts of four hours, then that’s not many hours. However, if she’s doing 3x8 hour days, then that’s not so bad, although she probably could do another shift.

I don’t think sleeping is a problem - she’s an adult know and can dictate her own hours.

18 is an awkward age. She’s an adult officially but it can them a while to transition to adult responsibilities and ways of doing things.

Also, if she’s planning to live at home for the next year, she should be contributing to household chores. Cooking once a week etc.

SnarkyBag · 26/08/2021 15:02

I thought a gap year was for travel or to get a bit of life experience/savings going? I would not be ok with an 18 year old stalling their education or career for a year just to sit around doing a couple of shifts a week.

StiggyZardust · 26/08/2021 15:03

My DS is finishing his gap year. He had a lot of plans including a job in Europe. Of course, all these fell through.

He has managed to find part time work throughout in some form or another. I've been very proud of him.

We haven't taken any money from him, in fact we've subsidised him. I think it's a bit mean at this age to expect a contribution unless you are desparate for the money.

ActonSquirrel · 26/08/2021 15:07

[quote LizzyJ11]@ActonSquirrel It's more a case of whether it's generally the norm for an 18 year old to be expected to do certain things.
I, like you, was forced to get a full time job once my education ended, and to be honest, it was probably good for me. I was also expected to contribute a small amount of money every week, as a way of learning that that is all part of growing up - paying rent and becoming a bit more responsible for myself.
My daughter finished college in May, and I wonder if it's a bit harsh to expect these things of her, or not.
I'm torn, and just wondered what others are doing these days [/quote]
I went to uni at 18. Paid my hall fees and my own food and had no support from mum financially. It isn't hard to budget, it is simple mathematics to work out what you have and what you can spend.

I returned home in holidays and mum wanted a cut of my summer job.

There is no should and shouldn't. If you don't need the money, don't charge her. But she should be responsible for herself. Buys own clothes, toiletries, make up, etc. You should be funding her either. If she wants that she can work.

FoxgloveSummers · 26/08/2021 15:07

She currently doesn't pay for her phone, or anything in fact

Well that’s where you start then, either transferring these things over to her or asking for a sum per week to cover them. Is she quite coddled do you think? If you’re worried about being “mean” think of it as preparing her to live independently which I imagine she will be doing in a year or less. No more cruel than making her dress herself or feed herself was back when she was little.

It’s the kids whose parents do everything for them that I sort of feel sorry for.

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