What should I expect of my 18 year old living at home?

[LizzyJ11]

My 18 year old lives at home and is currently on a gap year.
She works part time and doesn’t yet contribute to the home financially.
My partner thinks she needs to work full time now, and contribute financially, but her friends are telling her that none of them are expected to do either of these things at their age, and have told her that we must want her out of the house and that’s the only reason for us expecting these things of her.
Are we being unreasonable? Are these things no longer expected of 18 year olds living at home?
Just looking for opinions from others who are in a similar situation, or have recently been in situations like this.
Thank you :)

DSD is working part time and planning to move out with one of her friends in October (starting art college other side of the city). She doesn't pay keep, but she is responsible for all her own clothes, phone bill, going out etc. She's supposed to keep her room to her dad's standard and do the dishwasher, bins and kitchen floor the days she's not at her boyfriend's. That's a bit hit and miss, really.

If she was working full-time we would want her to be paying what we'd ask in keep into an ISA, as we don't need the money, but want her to be in the habit of saving properly.

My DD is pretty good at adulting anyway (responsible job/apprenticeship, and is constantly on the go doing quite a lot of travelling, obvs just UK at the moment, and going to festivals), but I also think that the freedom to enjoy yourself that you have at this age is for such a short period and may not come again at all or until retirement that I want her to make the most of it. Only you can judge though really whether you think it will cause issues down the line because she hasn't learned useful life skills.

Why are you buying her clothes at 18??

I'd worry less about rent , but get her to pay for her own things.

You've over indulged her

I'd want ds to save as much as he could for uni during a gap year.

My dc did not become a fully fledged adult at the age of 18, and I didn’t foregoing my parenting duties then either. You’ve done nothing wrong, and the comment by your dp has made you re-assess the situation.

If dc is going to uni in a year, then you’ve got 12 months to slowly ease her into adult hood. Make a plan as to what you want her to accomplish - cooking meals once a week, washing once a week etc. Similar, get her to book and pay for her driving lessons, etc. Encourage her to buy her own clothes.

I don’t she is over indulged or entitled, but just continued her life as it always has been. Now you’ve got the opportunity to help transform her into the next stage.

@LizzyJ11 what was the reason/ thinking behind taking a gap year - was it planned or thrust on you by circumstances / results? Whilst I’d agree that for a period a bit of decompression is great, from what you’ve said there doesn’t seem to be a plan as such beyond working a few shifts at something. Some focus (guided by you if necessary) will help to plan out how the year will be spent in a way useful to future study and/or work and/or take advantage of this unique time to travel or have other adventures. The worst outcome is if she gets to this time next year and realises she’s wasted her time and has nothing to show for it

19 y/o dd here, she's holding fire on uni / travelling until the world has settled down a bit. In the mean time she's working 4 days / week, & has 2 hour driving lesson the non-working weekday. She also does a couple of voluntary things which I guess amount to about half a day a week on average.

Financially I don't ask her for rent, but she pays for all her own stuff & also often does household shopping (we get classier food when she shops!), & she's saving lots for potential travelling and/or uni in the future which I'm happy with. If I were broke I'd definitely feel it was reasonable to ask for more contribution, but I'm in the lucky position that it's not necessary.

Practical stuff, she cooks several times a week, bit crap at housework (aren't most teens/20 somethings!) but does general odd jobs as & when asked, plus helps out with my elderly DF a fair bit.

@Standrewsschool

My dc did not become a fully fledged adult at the age of 18, and I didn’t foregoing my parenting duties then either. You’ve done nothing wrong, and the comment by your dp has made you re-assess the situation.

If dc is going to uni in a year, then you’ve got 12 months to slowly ease her into adult hood. Make a plan as to what you want her to accomplish - cooking meals once a week, washing once a week etc. Similar, get her to book and pay for her driving lessons, etc. Encourage her to buy her own clothes.

I don’t she is over indulged or entitled, but just continued her life as it always has been. Now you’ve got the opportunity to help transform her into the next stage.

Thank you for this @Standrewsschool This is exactly the situation - just carried on as we were when she was 17, and gave it no thought until a conversation with my dp. When I say I've bought her clothes, I've literally only bought her 2 skirts and tops for work. She did offer to pay after I'd told her, but I didn't see the point. I've not bought her any other clothing, and neither do I intend to. I really appreciate your reply, thank you

[quote VanCleefArpels]@LizzyJ11 what was the reason/ thinking behind taking a gap year - was it planned or thrust on you by circumstances / results? Whilst I’d agree that for a period a bit of decompression is great, from what you’ve said there doesn’t seem to be a plan as such beyond working a few shifts at something. Some focus (guided by you if necessary) will help to plan out how the year will be spent in a way useful to future study and/or work and/or take advantage of this unique time to travel or have other adventures. The worst outcome is if she gets to this time next year and realises she’s wasted her time and has nothing to show for it[/quote]
I agree, thanks @VanCleefArpels

I'm in a similar situation, DS, 19, on gap year. He is working full time in a warehouse. He does his own washing, enjoys cooking with me but hasn't yet transitioned to cooking for the family (partly because of his shifts/sleeping patterns when not at work). I give him a lift to his early morning shift.

He is saving (currently for festivals, later for travel and university). I've also asked for a contribution of £180/month towards family costs once he was established in his job. I'm a single mum, maintenance has stopped, I can manage without it, but he spends far more on his social life/travel than I can possibly afford to on myself. So I think its only fair he contributes a bit to the family costs. This wasn't an easy conversation, nor was it with his older sister when she was at home, and it isn't proving straightforward (currently paying in installments). But I think it is important, certainly in my situaiton, and for his own expectations. He is about to take over paying for his phone, and pays for his clothes/social life (though I plan to help towards bigger purchases like winter coats).

I've found it helpful to see what others are saying on the thread. The shift to getting him to do more communal jobs round the house, and to doing them regularly and reliably rather than when pushed is my next challenge. What language or triggers do others use for this? Son has ADHD, so remembering to do own stuff is a challenge...

@redmapleleaves1

I'm in a similar situation, DS, 19, on gap year. He is working full time in a warehouse. He does his own washing, enjoys cooking with me but hasn't yet transitioned to cooking for the family (partly because of his shifts/sleeping patterns when not at work). I give him a lift to his early morning shift.

He is saving (currently for festivals, later for travel and university). I've also asked for a contribution of £180/month towards family costs once he was established in his job. I'm a single mum, maintenance has stopped, I can manage without it, but he spends far more on his social life/travel than I can possibly afford to on myself. So I think its only fair he contributes a bit to the family costs. This wasn't an easy conversation, nor was it with his older sister when she was at home, and it isn't proving straightforward (currently paying in installments). But I think it is important, certainly in my situaiton, and for his own expectations. He is about to take over paying for his phone, and pays for his clothes/social life (though I plan to help towards bigger purchases like winter coats).

I've found it helpful to see what others are saying on the thread. The shift to getting him to do more communal jobs round the house, and to doing them regularly and reliably rather than when pushed is my next challenge. What language or triggers do others use for this? Son has ADHD, so remembering to do own stuff is a challenge...

@redmapleleaves1 Thank you for your comment. I have also found it interesting hearing what others are doing in this situation. I don't think there's any right or wrong answer - we all parent in our own way, but it's very helpful to find out how other people are dealing with what is essentially a difficult time - transitioning from child to adult! I plan to show my Dd this thread, just so she can see that there are different viewpoints, and to help her see that this is a conversation that is taking place in other households, not just ours! I wish everyone the best of luck, whichever route you're taking with your young adults