What should I expect of my 18 year old living at home?

[LizzyJ11]

My 18 year old lives at home and is currently on a gap year.
She works part time and doesn’t yet contribute to the home financially.
My partner thinks she needs to work full time now, and contribute financially, but her friends are telling her that none of them are expected to do either of these things at their age, and have told her that we must want her out of the house and that’s the only reason for us expecting these things of her.
Are we being unreasonable? Are these things no longer expected of 18 year olds living at home?
Just looking for opinions from others who are in a similar situation, or have recently been in situations like this.
Thank you :)

@SnarkyBag

I thought a gap year was for travel or to get a bit of life experience/savings going? I would not be ok with an 18 year old stalling their education or career for a year just to sit around doing a couple of shifts a week.

They can't exactly travel the world in covid and a lot of work opportunities may be on hold too. That might be the best she can get right now.

She's not planning on doing anything in particular during the gap year (it was a bit of an enforced gap year thanks to covid).
Learning to drive is the only real plan so far.
Work is currently 3 days a week, 8 hour shifts.
She does pay for her tv subscriptions, and pays for herself when she goes out with her friends.
We pay for phone, clothes, toiletries etc. So she's saving a fair bit of her earnings, which is great. University is currently the plan for next year, so we feel that this year is a great opportunity to earn while she has so much free time.
I've not really managed to cut the apron strings as yet, so I'm probably still doing too much for her around the home (washing etc).

@ActonSquirrel
So maybe not the best time to take a gap year then?

@LizzyJ11

She's not planning on doing anything in particular during the gap year (it was a bit of an enforced gap year thanks to covid). Learning to drive is the only real plan so far. Work is currently 3 days a week, 8 hour shifts. She does pay for her tv subscriptions, and pays for herself when she goes out with her friends. We pay for phone, clothes, toiletries etc. So she's saving a fair bit of her earnings, which is great. University is currently the plan for next year, so we feel that this year is a great opportunity to earn while she has so much free time. I've not really managed to cut the apron strings as yet, so I'm probably still doing too much for her around the home (washing etc).

Wow, you are generous to her. You pay for her phone, clothes and toiletries and she pays what £6 for Netflix and the odd meal out? Wow...you definitely haven't cut the apron strings and are not preparing her for the real world.

DS is 18, off to Uni in a few weeks. He works full time £9 an hour and gives us £150 a month (bit silly really as we are probably going to give it straight back to him in September but hey ho).

He washes up, does his own laundry, walks the dogs.

DD meanwhile is not in college or work and does fuck all except make a mess and steal stuff from us.

Sounds like you're enabling her to be honest.

Your husband is right, she needs to be full time. Is there a reason she's only part time?

My 19yo ds has dithered a bit about what he wants to do, and so he started an art portfolio course last year but it just wasn't for him, and so he got a pt job as a home care assistant. He's loved it and is applying to do nursing, but that won't be for another year.

He's increased his hours at work to almost full time, he cooks one day a week, helps out around the house a good bit, though his room is a state. He's saving loads of his pay (if he wasn't, we'd charge board and save it for him) and loves showing me his balance on his phone!! He buys all his own clothes and shoes (the shoes!!), still has enough money to socialise with his friends and girlfriend. He's overnight at his girlfriends house a couple of times a week and I checked he was pitching in there with chores and food etc and he is.

The last couple of years of school weren't very good for him and he was under Camhs for a good bit, ran away and was brought home by the police a few times. So to see him settled in a good job and looking forward to his future is just wonderful.

Oh, and sometimes he brings me flowers!

It sounds like a perfect time to cut some of those strings then OP. I think rather than making her work more/charging her rent it’s more realistic/less conflict inducing to make her cover more of her own costs and transition to adulthood more gradually. If she is earning £160 a week and finds herself spending £80 of it she might take on more shifts off her own bat.

I've never bought into the MN concept that a child turns 18 and suddenly should be paying rent. And certainly, I think my parents were quite generous overall in that I didn't pay any household expenses when living with them and I received a small allowance while I was at uni and they met my living expenses.... And I expect to be similar with DC.

Having said that, the arrangement with your DD is ridiculous. Yes, I got a small allowance and living expenses met, but that covered only the bare necessities (student accommodation, basic food) and I had to pay for entertainment, meals out, drinking, clothing etc. Similarly, when I was at home, I was 100% expected to help out and did my share of the cooking/washing/cleaning up. As teenagers in fact, my parents never ever cleaned up after a meal - that was the job of whatever teenagers were in the house, including friends/extended family etc.

I can't get my head around her earning money and saving, albeit part time, while you're paying for all her luxuries AND running around cooking, cleaning and washing for her. Bizarre. There's being supportive and helpful to your almost-adult children and then there's letting them take the piss.

My inclination would be that you stop paying for things that are specifically her choice: phone, subscription services, clothes, shoes, toiletries, travel, holidays, alcohol etc.

You continue to put a roof over her head, cover the utilities, put food in her belly at mealtimes. Do not ask her to stump up for the overall household pot at this stage or in the coming years as a student.

In the meantime she absolutely should help out with general household chores and jobs. Whether that's only what affects her directly (her laundry, her bedroom, her meals that aren't shared with you) or all the shared work: dishwasher/washing up, hoovering, dusting, bathrooms, gardening, bins etc, well that's what you'll need to discuss and negotiate. Good luck 🤞🏻

If she continues to live with you after university, with a full time job, then would be the time to discuss a financial contribution.

Does/did her father contribute or pay maintenance? Has that stopped? Is it going directly to her? I'm assuming DP is not her father.

In a gap year, working PT I would expect my child to cook for the family at least once a week, do a main housekeeping job once a week, such as hoovering throughout the house or cleaning the family bathroom as well as doing own laundry and keeping own room clean and tidy, changing own bedding and towels etc.

I wouldn't ask an 18 year old for money towards family bills unless i was really hard up. But I would discuss budgeting and expect her to set aside a reasonable amount for clothes and going out, then put the rest into savings for when she starts uni or needs a deposit for her own place. If she has lots of hours left in the week because the job is very PT I'd expect her to develop a skill - definitely learning to drive if she can't already or doing an online course, and keeping fit.

@Susannahmoody

Sounds like you're enabling her to be honest.

Your husband is right, she needs to be full time. Is there a reason she's only part time?

Yes, this is my worry. I don't want to enable, and I plan to get that sorted. I know my Dh is right, but what I don't know is to what point? How many hours a week should we expect her to work at her age? And how much of a contribution is 'normal' for someone of her age? I think her phone contract/toiletries etc is the first thing we'll get sorted. Do we leave it there? Or should we suggest a minimal contribution? I really don't know 🤷🏼‍♀️ She is my eldest, and I don't know what's expected these days. When I was her age, before I left home I paid £15pw towards the house, paid for my phone and clothes. We just want to try to teach a bit of responsibility, and also ensure that she doesn't waste this year

Didn't ask my DS to contribute while in gap year. He worked, did a language course then travelled and used the language. All
V useful.
You say it's your partner suggesting the contribution... I take it your partner don't your child's father?

Sorry my question sounds judgy! It's not - it's more to assess whether the fact he's not your child's father might colour his opinions

It depends really whether you’re trying to teach her more about money or responsibility. If it’s money then charge her a set sum (although £15 is a very low sum, just enough to annoy without being much practical help?). If it’s responsibility then on top of making her cover more of her own costs, she needs to start contributing practically. You haven’t responded to these suggestions at all - are you averse to it?

@FrDamo

My inclination would be that you stop paying for things that are specifically her choice: phone, subscription services, clothes, shoes, toiletries, travel, holidays, alcohol etc.

You continue to put a roof over her head, cover the utilities, put food in her belly at mealtimes. Do not ask her to stump up for the overall household pot at this stage or in the coming years as a student.

In the meantime she absolutely should help out with general household chores and jobs. Whether that's only what affects her directly (her laundry, her bedroom, her meals that aren't shared with you) or all the shared work: dishwasher/washing up, hoovering, dusting, bathrooms, gardening, bins etc, well that's what you'll need to discuss and negotiate. Good luck 🤞🏻

If she continues to live with you after university, with a full time job, then would be the time to discuss a financial contribution.

Does/did her father contribute or pay maintenance? Has that stopped? Is it going directly to her? I'm assuming DP is not her father.

Thank you for this. No maintenance. Dh has supported, and will continue to support. It's more about learning responsibility, and making good use of this year at this stage. Just wondered if expecting her to work full time is asking too much or not. Considering she is doing little else with her time at the moment. The financial contribution is not so important- was just curious what others are doing really

Perhaps if you start by expecting her to pay her own way with clothes, toiletries, phone etc she might naturally choose to work more hours?

I think give her the financial responsibility first and then if she chooses not to earn more money or work more then she has the natural consequence of not being able to afford as much stuff?

I'd say the first thing to get sorted is her contribution to the actual work rather than the money. I think 3 days at 8 hours isn't that bad for someone on a gap year. But working 24 hours a week and then sleeping for 60 hours a week, and partying the rest while you sort her life out, pay for her extras etc is not okay.

She should be preparing a meal weekly, helping with any washing up/dishwasher/general tidying. Keeping her room clean and tidy. taking a turn at cleaning of communal areas/vacuuming and either doing her share of washing/hanging up/folding up or, at the very least, sorting her own clothes.

And I'd stop paying for non-essentials - she should be earning enough to pay for her own phone, trips out, clothing etc.

I’d be encouraging a definite plan for the gap year (which I know is more difficult due to travel restrictions etc). If you can Afford not to a token £10 a week is really neither here nor there for you - but saving something out of their wages will definitely help when it comes to going to Uni so maybe discuss setting up a standing order into a savings account. And I’d be encouraging looking at proper work experience (paid or voluntary) or an organised scheme ideally related to whatever they plan to study because this is exceptionally important when it comes to Serling graduate positions later

@FoxgloveSummers

It depends really whether you’re trying to teach her more about money or responsibility. If it’s money then charge her a set sum (although £15 is a very low sum, just enough to annoy without being much practical help?). If it’s responsibility then on top of making her cover more of her own costs, she needs to start contributing practically. You haven’t responded to these suggestions at all - are you averse to it?

Sorry - new to this and struggling to keep up!😬 It's more about responsibility than money. And filling some of her free time with something a bit more useful than sleep. Got no problem with her catching a few extra hour's sleep, but feel she should then get up and be a bit more productive than she currently is.

*Thanks to all - these comments are all very helpful

Weejiemum. Wow. Well done to your DS for sorting himself out and I am really pleased for him to have found something that he enjoys.
Also massive well done to you. I know you said he had a couple of difficult years, but with your care and support he appears to have turned into an amazing young man. So be proud of both of you. 💐

If she's not planning on doing anything then yea I would ask her to contribute something, certainly pay her own phone. Save it and give it back to her if you can afford it at the end of the year. A year to dock about for free won't teach her anything at all.

Dick!

Got no problem with her catching a few extra hour's sleep, but feel she should then get up and be a bit more productive than she currently is

Why?
She's just finished college and is enjoying a bit of freedom. Personally I think she'd need to pay for her own phone, clothes, drinking money but rent - seems unnecessarily punitive.

@sillysmiles

Got no problem with her catching a few extra hour's sleep, but feel she should then get up and be a bit more productive than she currently is

Why?
She's just finished college and is enjoying a bit of freedom. Personally I think she'd need to pay for her own phone, clothes, drinking money but rent - seems unnecessarily punitive.

Partly because I'm not sure it's so great for her, mentally, to get up at lunchtime, sit in front of a computer gaming until mid night, and repeat that 4 days a week. I just feel it's a bit of a waste. A couple of days a week, no problem, but surely this year would be better spent earning a little more (1 or 2 extra shifts max), and learning how to 'adult' just a bit. I'm not suggesting she work 7 days a week and hand all her earnings over to her parents - far from it. I'm just interested to learn what others feel/felt was the way forward with their 18yo's. Part of me feels that she's now a young adult and she now needs to take the reins and begin to learn the game of life, and part of me feels that she's still so young and needs to enjoy freedom while she can. So I'm thinking of a happy medium somewhere... hence my interest in the route others have taken, or plan to take.