Do people really get it

[Wish21]

I'm just wondering if people truly get it sometimes. For example if someone has been lucky enough to have been bought up in a home that was loving supportive was lucky enough to get a good education. Which enabled them to get a well paid job . Which means they can afford a nice home put food on the table afford nice holidays and nice things in general.

Then there are people who did not have that up bringing or a good childhood. They were sexually abused nothing was done about it. They went to a special needs school due to learning difficulties. They never even got to sit an exam. They do not have a standard education there for they will always be in a low paid job. If They are lucky enough to get one . Will always have to rely on some sort of benefit. They will never be able to have a proper home . There's always a risk of Them loosing their home due to landlord selling up or simlar they can't find another home as they rely on housing benefit or UC. So they end up homless in some type of hostel.

@Arsebucket

I hated that school /life so much back then. I never had any friends. Never really spoke to anyone. I used to take mini over doses of paracetamol I would write in my diary T15p today bla bla. Which meant took 15 paracetamol today . I used to end up bring really sick. The school knew what I was doing. But no one ever done anything. Looking back now I think WTF.

I was the same. I also used to self harm and would go in to school with huge cuts on my arms. No one batted an eye lid.

The only time I was spoken to was when I was didn’t bother to hand in homework, i would be humiliated in front of the class - the reason was usually that i’d spent the past few days trying to stop my dad from jumping out of a window - Maths homework didn’t really seem as important as keeping my only living relative alive.

I was careful though. I realised that if I kicked up a stink i’d probably be taken into care and I really didn’t want that so I just got on with things.

I’d love to go back and find those teachers and ask them why they had no care or compassion.

That must have been awful for you. I'm sorry you went through such a hard time with your dad as well. It must have been awful for him ti have that mindset. But awful for you as well having to cope with it and no adult to look after you . Weather that was at home or at school there should have been at least someone looking out for you. There's what 6 hours of school A-day. And there was no one there for you. I really hope that your life is better as an adult

@Wish21 thank you.

And no, my whole life has been a shitshow. And now my dad is in his late 80s with a whole host of problems and only me to sort them out, I’ve never been free of him for a second.

@wonderstuff

I've been a teacher since 2002 and SEN specialist since 2007. Things have changed a lot since the 80s/90s, there has been an attempt to keep as many children in mainstream schools as possible, whether that is a good thing or not has been debated, we don't have the same facilities in mainstream schools and our classes are much bigger. All the special schools in my county are full and we have children not in education or struggling with mainstream who would like to have a special schools place. I have a friend my age (mid-40s) who was put into special school just because she was in care, that would never happen now.

Those of us working in special or additional needs education are trying really hard to meet the needs of children, but it is an uphill battle, there's never enough money, the mainstream curriculum has not been designed with inclusion in mind and there is still to much discrimination, even teachers and parents of children with disabilities can be incredibly ignorant.

There are wonderful people out there in schools People that work with SEN children. My son had a 121 at school every morning. She's actually retired and went in the school as a volunteer. And works with my son every morning. Now she does not have to do that. She's not paid shes giving her time. My son really likes her. She even buys gives him things that he can learn from and books that he will enjoy. She sends little note card to say how he's doing and the things he's working on .

And yes I can definitely be ignorant. But I don't mean to be though and I hope to think my ignorance would not lead to causing people upset. I actually thought my son did not understand that he was behinde other children. He does not express any upset or worries. But actually he does its justvits all bottled up and he does not have the words to express how he feels. And my ignorant side thought he was happy just plodding along but he's not it was only when I asked the volunteer SEN that I realised this.

[quote Arsebucket]@Wish21 thank you.

And no, my whole life has been a shitshow. And now my dad is in his late 80s with a whole host of problems and only me to sort them out, I’ve never been free of him for a second.[/quote]
I'm so sorry your still going through such a hard time. Please remember that your a wonderful strong person with a kind heart ❤

There are the occasional extreme circumstances when it doesn't happen, but a good education is on offer to almost everyone

Wrong. There are many far from extreme circumstances where children don't have access to a good education. Even if you set aside the issue with patchy provision of mainstream schooling and how even in a single council area there are great schools and really poor ones, there are thousands of children missing education because of a lack of specialist support for disabled children. Many of them are not children with learning disabilities, but simply those who cannot cope in a mainstream setting without support. Those kids are ignored and left up to the parents to provide an educaiton.

I'm not sure what it is that I am supposed to 'get' but I had a decent childhood/upbringing/education and I am aware not everyone had the same with me.

I'm so sorry you've had such a shitty time and for so long. My life has been a shitshow from start to the present day (I'm 60) and the results of the neglect and poverty throughout childhood have rippled down through the decades into an abusive marriage, homelessness and debt and rippled down to my DD and DGC. The person in my life who gets it completely is one of my DBs. Other than him no one else does because every crappy situation is unique I think. I have wonderful friends who accept me for who I am, are very tactful around money (ie when we meet meals out are rarely suggested and as a group we meet up for meals/picnics where everyone brings something and we all share.
We sometimes go out for a cup of tea and a chat which is much cheaper than a meal. But their lives are so different to mine they are incomparable. Beautiful homes, lots of holidays, theatre trips, weekend breaks, family get togethers and holidays, no worries about bills. I'm happy for them I really am but also so envious of their close families, grown up kids who are always in touch, the choices they have and access to things like private health care. I feel I am on a different planet at times.

My dp grew up in care due to neglect from his mum, except his foster family turned out to be abusers, he then had to live with his dad and step mum which was hell for him as his step mum was an abuser.
Although he enjoyed school as it was a haven from his hellish home life, he left school with no qualifications

He ended up doing an access course, completed a degree, started a business and then went from strength to strength from there

People that have a poor start in life are not destined to have poor lives. It is much harder to do well with a shit start but people can still achieve and do well

@SuzyDaarling I’m sorry

I had to cut ties with old school friends a few years ago. I realised that there was and always had been low level bullying going on. And our lives were so different.

I’m 41 now, I was mid 30s then and the differences of a good upbringing with parental and school support that gave them the confidence and choices in life were stark.

I find it hard to make friends as we’ve rented in areas which are quite affluent in parts - west london do a mixed bag (with the help of benefits top ups even when we are both working full time), and I could never afford to keep up with friends either.

Yours sound considerate - but I always seemed to meet people who didn’t understand that being skint meant you had 2p in the bank until payday next week, not just that you couldn’t go out for dinner twice in a week without dipping into your holiday fund.

I’ve made sure my children’s experience is vastly different though. I support them to the ends of the earth in everything they want to do and in their education. I’ve had my times of depression but they don’t know. My eldest is 19 and he would tell you i’m happy and positive. I’m so far from that! I hide it from them all. It’s hard but I will never lean on them like my dad did to me.

Eveyone in the UK should get a good education

Key word there is should.

There are the occasional extreme circumstances when it doesn't happen, but a good education is on offer to almost everyone

An education, but a good one? My DD had a shit show of a secondary school until year 10, and then another board took over, they honestly worked miracles to get the kids as good a grades as they did in such a short time, but we were warned that they had missed so much, in the time left they were limited to what they could do.

Of course, not everyone engages in it

No, they don't, but then even the most driven student can't engage with something that's not there. The new board offered before and after school sessions in all subjects at yr 10 and 11, my DD went to every single one, she got an award for it. But the failings in her earlier education and the fact that they couldn't cram 5 years education into 1 and a half is having an effect still now going into second year a levels and missing knowledge from school.
It's the only school available, I was refused a place in a different catchment area that was better, I can't afford private education (as in I don't earn enough to even just pay the fees, not that I prioritised different things) I couldn't afford to live in the catchment area of the better school.

So my DD had an education on offer, and she engaged with it, but ultimately if that board hadn't changed when it did and she had the opportunity to engage then she'd likely not even be doing the courses she is now to try for university, because she wouldn't have had the grades.
And she had the advantage of a supportive family and a laptop, WiFi and resources, and being able to study. Many children she went to school alongside didn't have that.

[quote Arsebucket]@SuzyDaarling I’m sorry

I had to cut ties with old school friends a few years ago. I realised that there was and always had been low level bullying going on. And our lives were so different.

I’m 41 now, I was mid 30s then and the differences of a good upbringing with parental and school support that gave them the confidence and choices in life were stark.

I find it hard to make friends as we’ve rented in areas which are quite affluent in parts - west london do a mixed bag (with the help of benefits top ups even when we are both working full time), and I could never afford to keep up with friends either.

Yours sound considerate - but I always seemed to meet people who didn’t understand that being skint meant you had 2p in the bank until payday next week, not just that you couldn’t go out for dinner twice in a week without dipping into your holiday fund.

I’ve made sure my children’s experience is vastly different though. I support them to the ends of the earth in everything they want to do and in their education. I’ve had my times of depression but they don’t know. My eldest is 19 and he would tell you i’m happy and positive. I’m so far from that! I hide it from them all. It’s hard but I will never lean on them like my dad did to me.[/quote]
That makes alot of sense. I can't help my children academically. But im always there for them and my kids /young adults. Talk to me all the time. They are not afraid of reaching out to me. And that's so important. I just hope that my own life experience has helped me to understand other people and to see things are not black and white.

@bananamushy

God *@54321nought* posts are depressing

Don't worry too much, previous posts have said they've managed to fit in 15 years as a scientist, years teaching abroad and they're not quite at retirement age yet. Which means they've been in multiple schools per year - which sounds very much like agency work because they can't get or keep a permanent teaching post, rather than agency work because it fits in with caring responsibilities.

@Wish21 I certainly didn't mean to say you were ignorant, you sound like a great mum. I was thinking of a few of our parents (most are amazing and lovely) who themselves are prejudiced against disability and difference. Thankfully it is a small minority, but it's very difficult to deal with.

Really glad your son is getting good support.

[quote wonderstuff]@Wish21 I certainly didn't mean to say you were ignorant, you sound like a great mum. I was thinking of a few of our parents (most are amazing and lovely) who themselves are prejudiced against disability and difference. Thankfully it is a small minority, but it's very difficult to deal with.

Really glad your son is getting good support.[/quote]
It's OK. I was not 100% sure if the word ignorant was just a way of describing that the person does not understand. Or if its boarding on a put down type word.

There is so much I don't understand about my sons autism. I'm just guessing we will learn as we go and I will just accept how he is and how he develops. And always encourage his strong points and always make him feel good about himself. I go onto autism support groups and lots of people have a very deep understanding. But I just don't. I just tend to accept people as they are

@SuzyDaarling

I'm so sorry you've had such a shitty time and for so long. My life has been a shitshow from start to the present day (I'm 60) and the results of the neglect and poverty throughout childhood have rippled down through the decades into an abusive marriage, homelessness and debt and rippled down to my DD and DGC. The person in my life who gets it completely is one of my DBs. Other than him no one else does because every crappy situation is unique I think. I have wonderful friends who accept me for who I am, are very tactful around money (ie when we meet meals out are rarely suggested and as a group we meet up for meals/picnics where everyone brings something and we all share. We sometimes go out for a cup of tea and a chat which is much cheaper than a meal. But their lives are so different to mine they are incomparable. Beautiful homes, lots of holidays, theatre trips, weekend breaks, family get togethers and holidays, no worries about bills. I'm happy for them I really am but also so envious of their close families, grown up kids who are always in touch, the choices they have and access to things like private health care. I feel I am on a different planet at times.

Ah yes it effects so much doesn't it. I went through an eviction as a teenager. That was through my mum walking out on us . And leaving my dad. And that meant less money coming in which led to eviction. It we went from a large ish family to just me and my dad. I has 2 evictions myself. And I'm still in temporary accommodation now. I think if I had not had learning difficulties had a better education maybe things would have been different. Probably would not be seen as a waste of space. I don't actually feel I'm a waste of space as I have given lots in different ways. But im sure that's how im seen by other people. I just wish that I was in a situation where I don't have to worry about having a roof over our heads.

It is great that you have understanding friends and they make sure you can do things as a group that is affordable to you all. I think its more about being in the company of friends rather than what you actually do. I think a picnic sounds quite nice in the summer and a nice chat.

It definitely feels like a different world sometimes. And i do sometimes wounder if we could swap lives for 1 year how would each of us cope.