Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

I think that I'm being stalked, but the police say it's not enough to help

75 replies

Youarestillintherunning · 23/08/2021 16:15

Sorry I started to post this, and pressed create before I was ready!

For the past 10 years, someone that I was friends with has been harassing me and potentially stalking me. When we were friends I was in a relationship, he kept asking me to go to his house and didn't understand why I felt this was disrespectful to my partner, he also kept making comments about my body, so I eventually said to him that I didn't feel we could be friends anymore.

At this point, his behaviour completely switched. He started sending me abusive messages, about how I would never make it to my 60s, how amazing my breasts were and other vile stuff. I blocked him, updated my privacy settings but over the past 10 years he has made a multitude of different Facebook accounts which he messages me from, and then blocks me before I can block him. He then unblocks me a couple of months later, sends more messages and blocks again. I've even changed my name on Facebook to not my real name, and he still finds me.

I was out a few months ago, and noticed him watching me from across a road while I was waiting for a taxi. When he saw me looking, he ran down an alleyway. 5 minutes later he reappeared, and ran off again. He has sent me messages on multiple occasions asking if I had a nice time with my mum (when I have seen her that day) and commenting on my outfit, which leaves me to believe that he must be stalking me in real life. The messages he sends, he talks in third person about himself and how amazing he is, and how weird it is that I keep dating losers when I could have someone like him etc...

I have reported him to the police on 4 different occasions after I discovered that he has previously been to prison for stalking another young woman. He has also been sending messages to my mum, a friend that I used to go to school with and seems to know all of my exes. The police have said, that because he leaves a 3 month gap in-between communications with me, it's not enough to amount to harassment, and therefore there is nothing they can do as he hasn't sent me any direct threats.

Out of desperation, I sent a message to his sister (as she is the only person related to him that I know) and told her what has been happening. She apologised (I told her she didn't need to, it's not her fault!) and said that this isn't the first time that women have messaged her, her sisters or her mum about his behaviour, and that he has autism and she is sure he would never actually do anything to harm me.

But the truth is that I'm really scared, and the police have made it clear that there is nothing they will do. I don't know what to do anymore, and would really appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
Tee20x · 23/08/2021 16:17

You mention that he has been to prison - was this recently?

If so he may still be on licence and I would contact his probation office to report this behaviour.

Original poster
Youarestillintherunning · 23/08/2021 16:18

@Tee20x he went to prison around 3 years ago, so I'm not sure if he will still be under their supervision, but definitely worth checking, thank you!

OP posts:
NeilBuchananisBanksy · 23/08/2021 16:19

I'd pursue this with the police- there is a clear established pattern of behaviour here plus his previous conviction. Complain and go higher. It's not on they are dismissing you.

covetingthepreciousthings · 23/08/2021 16:20

Keep pushing with the police, I always wish things like this would be taken more seriously and I'm sorry that you're going through this.
In the meantime I wonder whether a charity like this may be able to help as it says it gives practical advice ?

www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

endofthelinefinally · 23/08/2021 16:21

Contact your MP. They can raise it with the police on your behalf. IMO the police response is very poor.

Galassia · 23/08/2021 16:22

I have been stalked and on those three occasions the police took it very seriously so I think you need to report again and make a complaint about their lack of interest.

gardeninggirl68 · 23/08/2021 16:22

what did he go to prison for?

Tee20x · 23/08/2021 16:23

No worries! Obviously they wouldn't be able to give you any personal details but it's worth a try as it signals offence paralleling behaviour and is quite concerning.

I'm sorry that the police are not taking your complaints seriously completely ridiculous. It's making me wonder whether he knows about this 3 month gap thing as a loophole so that he isn't prosecuted? In any case like PP have said escalate the complaint.

Are there any measures you can take to make yourself feel more secure? Obviously the onus should be on authorities to act accordingly but in the meantime have you got a secure home, security system etc?

gardeninggirl68 · 23/08/2021 16:24

i know you said he was in prison for stalking...but what did he do that was different to what he's doing to you? how did it escalate to the point of a prison sentence?

Original poster
Youarestillintherunning · 23/08/2021 16:33

Unfortunately I don't know the details of his prison sentence. He didn't message me for about a year and a half/2 years, then he suddenly contacted me again, I mentioned this to a mutual friend, and the friend told me that the reason I hadn't heard from him for a while was because he had been in prison for stalking, and warned me to be careful about what I say to him. I feel so let down by the police, as I know that this kind of behaviour tends to escalate. I agree that I have wondered if he does KNOW about the three month thing, and that's why he leaves it a few months before messaging again. I think that I will try to make a formal complaint to the police to try to escalate it. Thank you for the links, and in the meantime I will work on making sure that my house is secure, I do have a doorbell cam already, but will look into other precautions

OP posts:
Galassia · 23/08/2021 16:36

Make sure you tell the police that the sister may have the info of other concerned women so they know there are more victims.

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 23/08/2021 17:34

Contact Paladin, I think it is, OP, a charity for stalking victims. I'm sure they will be able to advise you on how to proceed.

For what it's worth, I am so so sorry that you are having to push so hard to get help here. You deserve better from our police force (I know most of the time the majority of them do a fantastic job, but in this case they are massively failing).

tootiredtobother · 23/08/2021 17:43

why is there even a three month ' get out clause ' for gods sake who makes these asinine rules
so sorry this is happening to you

Alternista · 23/08/2021 17:45

Dear god. I’d lodge a formal police complaint, thats awful.

Original poster
Youarestillintherunning · 24/08/2021 06:15

Thank you all for your supportive comments. Before I posted this, I was worried in case I was being overly anxious which is what stopped me from being more persistent with the police. But this has confirmed to me that there is definitely more that the police should be doing, especially as it's clear that I am not a "one off" situation. Good idea about letting the police know what his sister said too, and hopefully she is willing to share the infomation that she has on other women he has done this to.

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 24/08/2021 06:20

www.helpforvictims.co.uk/content/G80.htm

Randommother · 24/08/2021 06:21

Contact the Suzy Lamplugh trust, they should be able to advise you. The police need to take this seriously, especially has he has already been to prison for stalking! Flowers

SandwichDistraction · 24/08/2021 06:28

Please get back in touch with the police and ask to see a different officer. There is no such things as a 3 month gap for this kind of behaviour not being harassment. Any pattern of behaviour (e.g. just sending an abusive card once a year on a birthday) can constitute harassment. I am a police officer/detective so speaking from direct knowledge.

Olympiadreamer · 24/08/2021 06:38

Contact this charity for advice:
www.alicerugglestrust.org/

SimonJT · 24/08/2021 06:43

You can set your facebook so that only friends can message you by changing your privacy settings. This of course won’t stop his behaviour, but it is one less thing he has access to, but frustratingly the negative to that is you essentially lose evidence of your behaviour.

SimonJT · 24/08/2021 06:44
  • your stalkers behaviour
lannistunut · 24/08/2021 06:46

You need support with the police. I know they underfunded and it is not their fault, and there are good officers, but speaking generally they are pretty shit at protecting women.

If you have any money, I would see a lawyer who can advise, or a charity who specialises, and do NOT see the police alone. Make everything formal. Tell them specifically you feel threatened, make them aware you are recording details of who is deciding to leave you in danger.

Flowers you are not over reacting.

Lessthanaballpark · 24/08/2021 06:46

OP I have nothing to add in terms of advice but I just wanted to wish you luck and reiterate that you must complain and escalate with the police because their response is unacceptable.

I was stalked a while ago and it is so unsettling and anxiety-inducing, precisely because you are not sure what it will lead to. It is a low-scale terror campaign.

Please let us know how you get on with the police Flowers

Queenoftheashes · 24/08/2021 06:49

Disgusting attitude from the police
I remember when they fined a woman for wasting their time reporting the man who went on to kill her
I second pp saying write to your MP about it. If there’s a three month loophole there shouldn’t be.

Jemand · 24/08/2021 06:50

If the police still won't act, escalate it to more senior officers. If you can, give them a dossier of every contact to show the long pattern of harassment.