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Original poster

I think that I'm being stalked, but the police say it's not enough to help

75 replies

Youarestillintherunning · 23/08/2021 16:15

Sorry I started to post this, and pressed create before I was ready!

For the past 10 years, someone that I was friends with has been harassing me and potentially stalking me. When we were friends I was in a relationship, he kept asking me to go to his house and didn't understand why I felt this was disrespectful to my partner, he also kept making comments about my body, so I eventually said to him that I didn't feel we could be friends anymore.

At this point, his behaviour completely switched. He started sending me abusive messages, about how I would never make it to my 60s, how amazing my breasts were and other vile stuff. I blocked him, updated my privacy settings but over the past 10 years he has made a multitude of different Facebook accounts which he messages me from, and then blocks me before I can block him. He then unblocks me a couple of months later, sends more messages and blocks again. I've even changed my name on Facebook to not my real name, and he still finds me.

I was out a few months ago, and noticed him watching me from across a road while I was waiting for a taxi. When he saw me looking, he ran down an alleyway. 5 minutes later he reappeared, and ran off again. He has sent me messages on multiple occasions asking if I had a nice time with my mum (when I have seen her that day) and commenting on my outfit, which leaves me to believe that he must be stalking me in real life. The messages he sends, he talks in third person about himself and how amazing he is, and how weird it is that I keep dating losers when I could have someone like him etc...

I have reported him to the police on 4 different occasions after I discovered that he has previously been to prison for stalking another young woman. He has also been sending messages to my mum, a friend that I used to go to school with and seems to know all of my exes. The police have said, that because he leaves a 3 month gap in-between communications with me, it's not enough to amount to harassment, and therefore there is nothing they can do as he hasn't sent me any direct threats.

Out of desperation, I sent a message to his sister (as she is the only person related to him that I know) and told her what has been happening. She apologised (I told her she didn't need to, it's not her fault!) and said that this isn't the first time that women have messaged her, her sisters or her mum about his behaviour, and that he has autism and she is sure he would never actually do anything to harm me.

But the truth is that I'm really scared, and the police have made it clear that there is nothing they will do. I don't know what to do anymore, and would really appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
Motnight · 24/08/2021 06:51

This is awful, Op.

Hopefully some of the advice you have been given is helpful. You shouldn't have to put up with this.

Original poster
Youarestillintherunning · 24/08/2021 06:54

@SandwichDistraction, thank you, the police also said that as he hasn't sent me any direct threats, there's nothing they can do. His messages are normally just rambling and him listing my exes and saying "I don't know why you do it to yourself, you think you're a clever girl and you said you loved him (ex) but you broke up so it's bullcrap, you will always be a mummy's girl. Sir 'his name' has done really well for himself, why do you keep dating these losers, you have a good body ill give you that. You look so lovely in green (when I have been wearing green that day) goodbye for now." In your experience, is that message not "threatening" enough? All of his messages are along similar lines, with him repeating himself all of the time

OP posts:
HollyGrail · 24/08/2021 07:00

I wonder if there isn't enough evidence to prosecute him, no direct threats etc, and that is why the police can't go after him. But they can still warn him off surely, visit him which might be enough for him to stop.

Original poster
Youarestillintherunning · 24/08/2021 07:01

Thank you all again, so much. I will look into my Facebook settings again and see if I can block messages from outside my friends list. And I will definitely update on here later today once I have spoken to the police again. The last message that I received from him was yesterday, congratulating me on the birth of my daughter and him listing random names of people that he knows that he has done "better" than financially. And him again listing all of my exes and why he's better than them!

OP posts:
Hopeisnotastrategy · 24/08/2021 07:01

@SandwichDistraction

Please get back in touch with the police and ask to see a different officer. There is no such things as a 3 month gap for this kind of behaviour not being harassment. Any pattern of behaviour (e.g. just sending an abusive card once a year on a birthday) can constitute harassment. I am a police officer/detective so speaking from direct knowledge.
As somebody who has had to take out private legal action for stalking in the past (and won), I second this. There is no legal basis for this three month "rule". What there does need to be is a clear pattern of behaviour, which in theory could be on as little as two occasions. In practice the amount of abuse victims have to suck up before they are taken seriously is appalling. Go back to the police and if they won't take it seriously put in an official complaint and contact your MP.

Good luck. 💐

lannistunut · 24/08/2021 07:04

@Youarestillintherunning

It is harassment. Harassment is a crime. It is not only direct threats that constitute harassment.

Oblomov21 · 24/08/2021 07:06

This is so poor by the police isn't it. Please complain.

LeavesOffTheCactus · 24/08/2021 07:08

I can’t remember who it was - either the police or victim support - but after I reported a crime I was sent lots of window and door alarms and a rape alarm. Could you ask the police how you arrange this? Point out to them if something happens to you and it is revealed that they turned you away FOUR TIMES it will not look good for them.

So sorry youre experiencing this

sixswans · 24/08/2021 07:10

He's already harmed you; even if he never lays a finger on you, stalking is violence.

AlexaShutUp · 24/08/2021 07:17

I'm so sorry, OP, this sounds awful. I hope that you can get the police to take it seriously.

SandwichDistraction · 24/08/2021 07:19

There don’t have to be threats for it to be harassment. You are getting sustained unwanted contact from this man who appears to have previous for similar behaviour. I’m sorry but the police officer you saw (did they even send someone out?) either doesn’t know what they are talking about or doesn’t want to deal with it.

Original poster
Youarestillintherunning · 24/08/2021 07:27

@SandwichDistraction I never saw anyone, I called 111 each time and they asked me questions about what he had said, what had happened, what I knew about him etc. They never even asked to see all of the screenshots I have of his messages. The first time I reported, I replied to him saying "leave me alone or I will report you to the police," the police said that as I had messaged him back, I was effectively encouraging communication (even though I was telling him to leave me alone). They told me not to reply to him, and just keep a record. When I called again about 6 months later, that's when they said that he hasn't said any direct threats. When I reported the 3rd time, they said that as he leaves 3 months in between communication, it's not often enough to be classed as harassment. Then the 4th time, they took all of the infomation, and said they would speak to him, but that they can't do anything else. Since that 4th time, I haven't heard from them again, and he has messaged me on three occasions since, so if they did speak to him, it hasn't worked!

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 24/08/2021 07:29

According to the CPS guidelines on stalking and harassment, there isn’t a definitive time between incidents. All that needs to be proved is that there’s a ‘course of conduct’.
A Course of Conduct
Section 7 defines a course of conduct as being on at least two occasions. Harassment is not defined but includes conduct causing alarm or distress. It is confirmed as including speech.
The PHA does not specify what period of time should elapse between occasions. Arguably, therefore, so long as the behaviour complained of ceased, even for a short period of time, and then resumed either in the same or a different form, this can form a course of conduct. Acts might be some distance apart, and yet still constitute a course of conduct. Each case will fall to be determined on its own facts.
Section 7(3A) provides that conduct by one person shall also be taken to be conduct by another if the other has aided, abetted, counselled or procured the conduct. It makes it clear that a campaign of collective harassment by two or more people can amount to a "course of conduct". It also confirms that one person can pursue a course of conduct by committing one act personally and arranging for another person to commit another act

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/stalking-and-harassment

If there are only two incidents and a long period between them, the less likely it is that they will be accepted by a court as amounting to a course of conduct. In the case of Pratt v DPP [2001] EWHC 483, the Administrative Court held that two incidents almost 3 months apart were "close to the line" but nevertheless sufficient to establish a course of conduct.

However, the courts have ruled that it is not just the number of incidents which make up a course of conduct, but whether those incidents could be said to be so connected in type and context as to justify the conclusion that they could amount to a course of conduct (see Lau v DPP [2000] Crim. L.R. 580 and R v Patel [2005] 1 Cr. App. 27).

AlexaShutUp · 24/08/2021 07:29

The police response isn't good enough. I think involving your MP is a good suggestion. Or at least asking to speak to someone more senior.

Original poster
Youarestillintherunning · 24/08/2021 07:46

@Soontobe60 thank you for this link! Good for me to have to reference if they are still unwilling to help me!

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 24/08/2021 07:47

The Derbyshire Police have had to refer themselves to the IOCP (?) after the murder of Gracie Spinks who was murdered by her stalker. There is a petition but I can't link it from my phone. Keep reporting and complaining.

Eddielzzard · 24/08/2021 07:47

TEN YEARS! Good god WTF are the police on about!

I would make a complaint.

HeyDuddy · 24/08/2021 07:49

I need to be a little vague with my experience of this but I had far longer than 3 months between incidents and the perpetrator was successfully prosecuted nearly two years ago. I have never heard of a three month limit- if you can put the contacts together into a document that will be helpful. You want to show that the contact makes you feel threatened and is sustained- which it is regardless of the three month gaps. If the police aren’t taking it seriously ask for a superior to review it and put your complaint in writing. Ultimately you can also ask the IOPC to investigate too. Initially my case wasn’t taken seriously but that was due to them not seeing the threat I did. He was successfully prosecuted though.

SilverTimpani · 24/08/2021 07:50

Ridiculous response from the police!

I agree you should raise it with your MP, they can have some clout.

BigGreen · 24/08/2021 07:53

This article in police failures was in the news today, maybe you can cite the report when you next contact the police? You could also get in touch with the centre for women's justice as well. So sorry this is happening to you Thanks

FAQs · 24/08/2021 07:56

What!! Crazy, you can go direct to a police station or report online.

KingdomScrolls · 24/08/2021 07:57

Walk into a police station take all of the evidence of his contact etc, I work in this field and there is no three month limit. Also definitely contact local probation if he is still on licence they can help. Make sure to tell both what the sister said about there being other women he's done this to.

JudyGemstone · 24/08/2021 08:03

Every police force in England and Wales must have a stalking SPOC (single point of contact). Can you call back and ask to speak to them directly?

I have had to do this on a clients behalf, they were very helpful and reviewed all the notes on the polices actions to ensure it was all in order.

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